Testimonials
Add yours here


vicky
6:17 AM
Wed 7th Apr, 2021

Karen & Heinrich - My ex asp was also very good looking (I am embarrassed to say that is possibly why I put up with him for so long) and appeared normal but quiet to others. I left after 20 years and really wish I would have listened to my gut and left much earlier. The toll these relationships take on our self worth is devastating. I think what shocks me the most after leaving the situation is the constant thoughts I had in defending his behavior with "he is a nice guy". However, in reality he was not a nice guy. He was selfish, neglectful and emotionally destructive. I like the explanation I heard on why we still linger/ruminate with these relationships, because we are trying to make sense of years of nonsense. Our brains just can't fathom how a person can act this way yet look so normal and appear normal at times. It is mental anguish. I hope one day he doesn't even cross my mind, then I know I am healed.


Annette
4:39 AM
Wed 7th Apr, 2021

I lived with an asperges man for 14 years diagnosed 5 years ago..always knew something wasnt right...perfectly fine for 6 months then cracks began to show. I even put on my then relationship status on Facebook...its complicated..only one difference to the testimonials I've read on here...I had a chemical imbalance and was on lithium to keep it controlled..not so with the asperges man..I had two breakdowns...our relationship became very toxic as the years went on. We are now separated for 9 months and he endeavours to drag me in to court to force me out of the home..whilst he lives comfortably in a nice house with his Son..I'm in need of 2 billateral knee replacements and can barely walk..let alone move house . A.


Karin
4:06 AM
Wed 7th Apr, 2021

As so many have said, thank God for this site! I can't verbalize how sad I feel for those so beaten down that the only escape option they can envision is getting hit by a bus. I hear you and I've been there. I'm only 1/3 of the way through these testimonials, but I wanted to add mine from the perspective of a woman married for 31 years to what I believe is an undiagnosed HFA man. We have two nearly grown children and from the outside, a great marriage. He retired early from a well-paying good job, we have a lovely home, and are financially stable. He is not physically abuse, messy, or has poor hygiene. He is handsome, intelligent, and athletic. He is fun at parties and clever. But he has always had quirks, even from the time we started dating. They bugged me, but they were also sorta funny. These include - and still include - mimicry (mimicking sounds, repeating short lyrics, adopting different ways of speaking and laughing after spending time with people from different regions or with different speaking styles) and rocking (must have rocking char everywhere he goes!). But as he's gotten older (or maybe now that our children are older and I'm more in tune with his behaviors), the not-cute behaviors are intensifying. He never apologizes cuz somehow it's usually my fault and besides, apologies mean nothing; he doesn't listen well and complains I'm too sensitive; he's angrier and more black & white in discussions; his hand movements while talking are increasing; and he shuts down completely when a conversation gets too intense...with the added "You better be careful what you say. Are you sure you want to go down that path?" to boot! ("What path," I ask. "What path? The yellow brick road?" And no I don't actually say that.) There's more, but you get the point. My message to those in the early stages of a relationship with a potential HFA individual: CAREFULLY consider whether to enter a long-term relationship or marriage with a man or woman who has any ASD symptoms. On the day we married, I was questioning whether this was the right thing to do. We broke up many times while dating and I always took him back, doubting my own gut instinct. His verbal abuse is subtle, like water torture as someone mentioned. I am constantly reminded what a great guy he is. But he does say, "If you ever leave me, I will hunt you down." He says like a joke, even in front of other people. It creeps me out. The phrase "It's always about you, isn't it?" has been a constant in our relationship. This is especially hurtful because I do so much for him - other people see it - but he lives and acts like the sun revolves around him. I do not know what I will do going forward. I'm only at the beginning stages of this ASD discovery journey. The glory part for me is that I'm now the one with the good paying steady job. He retired early, so I feel financially stable. That in itself is a powerful ego trip for a battered soul. But it's little comfort when what I want is a loving, healthy, nurturing relationship. The loneliness is awful and has increased the more I realize how incapable he is of making long-term sustained change. He is what is. But I am what I am. Peace and love to all.


Heinrich
9:13 AM
Mon 5th Apr, 2021

Hi, I am back at this site again. It has been a year since the contact ended with him ... one year and some months since we saw another the very last time. I thought I was over him. But I saw a picture of him today. And I got flashbacks. He was really, really, really attractive. We had some good times. I just don't get why he mistreated me so badly. Like, we had good moments. And all of a sudden he is just angry. It was like he was manipulating me. All of his exes ended with depression. I don't think I have depression, though. But that was what he told me the very first time we met: that all of his exes got depression. He joked that it was hopefully not because of him. At one point he told me that he was sure that I would be annoyed with him. I don't know, I don't get it. It is like he played with me. I don't know the difference between psychopathy and autism to be honest. I mean, he looked so normal but treated me so terrible. I don't know. I just needed a place to write this. Thank you for listening.


Eliza
2:30 AM
Sun 4th Apr, 2021

Hi everyone, thanks so much for responding @Kitty and @ghostinashell, I’m taking your comments to heart. Another thing someone said is we fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist, and that comment helps a lot too—for closure and knowing that there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, it would never get better only worse, and no we aren’t wrong or missing something for not going back. Like others have said: to other people they are caring, kind, and sometimes even thoughtful. But to their significant other they aren’t. Tasks and other people always come before their significant other—and ironically the person they should try hardest for and treat the best gets the dregs of whatever is left over. As long as they aren’t too tired, emotionally drained from masking for others, and it’s the right time with the right lighting, temperature, etc. I also found the verbal abuse was from wrong conclusions they drew out of things that didn’t even make sense. Assuming ill intentions for no reason, thinking a facial expression like a smile is a smirk or sneer when that expression wouldn’t make sense for the situation—and I don’t really smirk and NEVER sneer. It’s the assumption of a negative expression or negative outcome when those aren’t the case at all. I think those accusations regarding intentions hurt the most. When I don’t think any of us would have stayed without having the best intentions—trying to emphasize with someone we thought was a partner.


Mrs. G
4:28 AM
Sat 3rd Apr, 2021

I have clearly now identified that both my husband, his father, and his sister are on the Autism Spectrum. For many years, I thought his dad and sister were psychopaths or sociopaths but now I understand that they have very limited empathy and Theory of Mind due to their Autism. I am realizing how much this has really affected me over the years with being married into this family. I have often felt very angry with all three of them perceiving that they are unkind, selfish, spiteful, or cruel to me. I see now that they often view others as irritants or ones to manipulate in order to get what they need and this is very hurtful to the human on the receiving end of this. I see that they all three self medicate their anxiety, low moods, and over stimulation from being out in the world with various things. Father in law was an alcoholic but had a very successful career as a medical professional. I see now that they are all three rather negative, low mood and interpret and perceive people, life in this way. People annoy and irritate them mostly. They are happiest in their insular routines at the computer, tv, or alone working on left brained tasks which their self medicating substances. My husband is really not fun to be around as he does not get much enjoyment from being with me or getting out and doing things. He becomes overstimulated and annoyed easily by people and situations. He is best in the house by himself within his routine. I see now that parts of me have diminished and become hurt by associating with these people that are so different from how I naturally think, function, view the world. My inner emotional life has become diminished and stunted as their reactions to me are off. They are not able to perceive my inner emotional, psychological states and so I feel hurt, let down, unheard, invisible, and ignored as if I have been talking to a brick wall. This is painful when this happens time and again and over time it is very psychologically damaging and emotionally stunting. You must conform and change in order to interact and communicate with them which is not healthy. I think my world has gone from colorful, bright, sunny to grey, black and white due to being in this family now for years. It's all very strange. Even when my father in law passed, it was a very strange pragmatic, cut and dry, unemotional event for his Autistic family. There was no real emotion, meaning, depth, warmth, reliving family memories or anything when he passed away. Even he was very cut and dry and pragmatic about his own impending death. This was very traumatic to me because I am naturally a very emotional, communicative person who likes to process and talk about the inner emotional meaning and aspect of life. Birthdays, marriage proposal, anniversaries, holidays are all just really irritants to my husband who sees no real purpose in these inconvenient life events. He has no desire or need for shared experiences with me. We move often and he is fine with me house hunting alone and picking out the new home without ever seeing it. He has no desire to travel or go out to eat. These are just irritants pulling him from his rigid routine. When we lived cross country from each other for two year, I recall going out to see him every few months and being struck by how flat and emotionless he appeared. Dinner out that night was flat and mundane and he just wanted to rush back to his temp apartment to his insular routine. There was no joyful reunion of two who loved and missed each other and were so happy to be back together. He can mimic what he should say and how to behave if needed but just wants to get back to his solitary routine. It is really hard on me living like this. feel pulled into a very grey colorless world and miss being with a partner with a very rich, nuanced inner life. I now understand why my husband constantly flips me off, sticks out his tongue, makes childish funny faces at me. He is just filling in the silence as he doesn't know what to say. Also, I see now why he married much later in life at almost 40. He had no real desire to have a mate. I see why he married me with step kids, my kids. He had no desire or impetus to have his own children as he only views kids as irritants. Their are not thoughts in his mind of a happy bonded family life with wife and children. This does not exist in his mindscape. He views my kids who he has known for 16 years as irritants. He has not bonded with them and does not know them or their inner worlds. He makes statements about them and others that are inaccurate misperceptions due to his Theory of Mind weaknesses and empathy deficiencies. He doesn't know people or sense, intuit them on a deeper level whatsoever. He forms very simplistic, odd, inaccurate opinions about them. I believe my own emotional intelligence and verbal ability has decreased and weakened due to being with him for 16 years. I feel my own reasoning has weakened and become impaired due to having to do mental acrobatics in order to get along with and communicate with my spouse. Metal sharpens metal and I am not getting that from someone with very weak and deficient Theory of Mind and empathy who misperceives so much. Arguments are pointless as he goes off on strange tangents and has poor reasoning. It's like talking to an immature frustrating kid or young teen who has an unsophisticated, half baked view of life. He is an asexual and now I understand that he simply has very different wiring that caused him to not feel the need or desire to be intimate with another. It's a pointless waste of time to him and a tedious irritant. He's very uncreative, highly routine, and passionless in the sack. No emotions, no communications, no empathy, no real deeper bonding or connection. He lied to me at the beginning of the relationship about lots of things and now I see that is because he has no real empathy for how I would feel about being lied to. No big deal in his mind as he can't perceive the real inner me and feel deep love and empathy for her. I was very depressed a few weeks ago and his solution was to research supplements and then make sure I take them everyday. There was no insight or attending to the emotional, psychological aspects underlying my depression. He said he got the supplements so he would no longer have to deal with my depression. So you see, it was done to make his life easier and there was no real empathy for me. My depression was an inconvenience and irritant to him. It'e really hard. I'm not sure what I am going to do. I now understand his condition and all the strange nuances and their effects on me. That's been half the battle. If I think of him as a roommate and focus on the positives he brings to the table like fixing things around the house and financial security then it makes it easier. I am not sure if I want to live this way forever, however. I do feel much better now knowing that this family I married into has significant impairments and it is not me. I have had every right and reason to feel very down, confused, depressed, invisible, ignored, and angry. I just have not been able to get my social emotional, psychological, and human love/warmth needs met in this family and they have damaged, confused, numbed, weakened, and hurt me. His sister constantly misperceives and misunderstands people, situations, events and then she becomes spiteful, vindictive, and angry based on her misperceptions. It is like talking to a brick wall trying to get her to understand the most basic and obvious of dynamics. I have been on the receiving end of her fits now for years and it's just been awful as she cannot accept blame or responsibility. The matriarch of this family was neurotypical but she was severely damaged and depressed, angry, hopeless, jaded from many years of having to conform and adapt to her Autistic husband and children. She surrounded herself with numerous dogs in her final years and these pets became her best friends and companions and helped sooth her autistic family members who bonded with them as well. The dogs lightened the odd atmosphere in the house and made her final years much happier.


Roisin
4:20 AM
Sat 3rd Apr, 2021

The lyrics to "Catch the Wind" always remind me of my six year relationship with an Aspergers partner. "When sundown pales the sky I want to hide a while, behind your smile And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find For me to love you now Would be the sweetest thing That would make me sing Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind When rain has hung the leaves with tears I want you near, to kill my fears To help me to leave all my blues behind For standin' in your heart Is where I want to be, and I long to be Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind" In my opinion, the relationship between an emotional, caring NT person and an Aspie is very likely to lead to a great deal of pain for both parties, but particularly for the NT who typically invests heart and soul into the relationship, expecting love and validation in return. Wishing everyone posting on this site new faith in themselves and the courage to forge a new, happier and more peaceful path in life!


Kitty
4:18 PM
Fri 2nd Apr, 2021

Denise, please don't be hard on yourself. Having therapy is a natural reaction. Had I stayed in my situation, I too would have ended up spending money in that direction. The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. It's impossible to 100 per cent get over these relationships; they mask and love-bomb to reel us in. Hence the confusion. Had they acted like arseholes to begin with, I doubt if any of us would have fallen for them. I was emotionally abused, ridiculed and gaslighted, once the honeymoon period had ended. And he did it with an innocent smile on his face. I spent months researching 'his needs', not once thinking about my own. I then read a post by 'David' on here. He said, forget whether the person is an aspie, narc, psychopath. It doesn't matter. If you're being treated badly then leave. Stop analysing them and move on. It was a lightbulb moment. Ultimately, it is a boundary issue, and I had no boundaries in place. My brain is wired to put up with shitty behaviour, and this realisation has been enlightening. Fortunately I have two very close friends that I trust and they convinced me that I needed to get out. Now I've put healthy boundaries up with EVERYONE in my life, including my awful mother, and this has been incredible. My self-respect has soared and I feel invincible. I feel like I can achieve anything I want now. I am even going to create some rules for my current relationship, even though my new man is a sweet and loving guy. I'm aiming for clarity, positive direction, empathy, communication, good reasoning, critical thinking, and progression now. The relationship with aspie ex taught me to set boundaries, and I'm grateful for that learning process, painful though it was. My aspie ex treated me like a commodity. I was to provide whatever he wanted with no expectations from him. And I was met with shouting and abuse if I objected to this treatment, which shut me up because I couldn't deal with his anger. Just 4 months of this abuse was enough to affect my mental health badly. I now can't imagine what it must be like to be married to him. I last spoke to him on the phone last November and he told me that his current girlfriend screams back at him. She's clinging on because physically he is very hot. Urgh. What a twisted exchange. After that I blocked his phone number, although I doubt he would call me anyway. He never bothered with me after we had split up. I was immediately discarded once I was no use to him. I'm very grateful for this site and these testimonials. It saved my sanity during lockdown and also saved me money from seeing a therapist, who may not have even understood the problem anyway.


Kathleen
11:47 AM
Fri 2nd Apr, 2021

I still feel so angry. I dated this aspie man for three years on and off as he constantly ghosted me, flipped out over nothing, and felt nothing. One day he just told me over the phone he did not love me and that was it. I feel rage. I thought I was doing okay but coming on the one-year anniversary of our breakup I wish I could get a little revenge. Does anyone feel angry about the time they wasted on such losers? What really gets to me is how I blamed myself for the problems, always trying to fix everything while he felt nothing. I have all of this pain and abandonment to process and yet I know he has just gone on and is perfectly fine. Love in a void. I was his company when his mom was sick, then she died and he left. And his sisters, who never lifted a finger to help are now coming down every few months to work on their mom's house to sell it. And he is such a moron-they have used him for years and now they show up, to sell the house and reap the money. HE was always so attached to his mother and now his sisters, who wanted him to stay single and care for them. I feel so stupid.


Denise
7:18 AM
Fri 2nd Apr, 2021

You’re so right Kitty. What I struggle with is that I was only with mine for 7 mos but it was still 7 mos. I’m 4 mos post my breaking it off and I’m still struggling. In therapy trying to understand what the hell just happened. I wanted to break it off. Like you, I realized there was no empathy or reciprocal feelings emotionally. Said all the right things but I couldn’t ignore the disconnect. I’m sure he has moved on. Probably shortly after. He targets older women too. Thinking we are all sex deprived. That is his ‘hook’. I’m looking forward to meeting my person one day.


Kitty
4:25 AM
Fri 2nd Apr, 2021

Hi Eliza, your situation is very similar to mine. My relationship lasted 4 months. When it ended my aspie ex moved on immediately. He needed to be looked after like a child and no longer had any use for me. He had met an older woman who fell in love with him and immediately became The doormat of his dreams. Someone by the name of David used to post regularly on here. What he said completely changed the way I saw my relationship. He said that ultimately it wasn’t important if your partner is on the spectrum; what’s important is how you want and expect to be treated. Once I realised that I had the right not to be treated badly, then the decision to end my relationship was easy to make. Although it was hard, as my ex is very good looking confident and charming, he had zero empathy and simply did not care. There are people on this site who have been married for decades to aspies and some of them have severe mental health problems because they are financially dependent on their aspies or because they don’t want to divorce because of children. I had no ties to my ex, therefore I cut my losses and walked away. I’ve now met someone who is smart, caring and loves me. It took me 6 months to recover from aspie ex but after the pain the clouds in my head finally cleared and I could see the situation objectively, and I am relieved that my ex is with someone else. My feelings are now indifference to him and sympathy for his current partner. I’m sorry you’ve been on the rollercoaster, but one day you’ll realise for the good of your mental health your future self will be thanking you for not renewing contact with your ex.


ghostinashell
1:06 AM
Fri 2nd Apr, 2021

@Eliza I think that a good way to get over it is to focus on yourself and what you need. Every relationship requires a bit of compromise from both sides, but this should not include giving up your well-being for the sake of the other person. We all need to understand that a relationship is working just as long as both people involved benefit from it. It's something that makes us more than we are by ourselves and adds more meaning to our lives. But if it becomes detrimental and it cannot be fixed with a shared effort, than you have to do what's best for you, even if it's nobody's fault. That's not being selfish, it's just taking care of yourself.


Eliza
9:16 AM
Wed 31st Mar, 2021

Hey everyone, I’ve been reading your statements and came to realize I’ve been in a similar situation. Thank you all so much for your bravery and willingness to talk about these experiences that are so confusing. Without your statements I would still be confused and now I can finally put what happened in context. The man I’ve been dating is a little over 40, and we got along because we both like hiking, dogs, travel, etc. He’s quieter than anyone I’ve dated before, has eccentricities that I found cute, and while he is knowledgeable about many things there was an innocence there that I found endearing—even though it was something I couldn’t quite understand. The first month was great and then a flip switched and it was like he didn’t trust me, treated me with apprehension, and he kept saying he “got scared” because all other girlfriends had left him, and many had treated him poorly. So—knowing some things can be proven in time I was patient. Also I didn’t do anything to trigger this switch that would lead to a lack of trust or wariness. Over the past year we were together almost every day—him always calling me to get together for dinner, go hiking, go on weekend trips, and I even met his family and friends. He was very weird about giving us a label though, and we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend. He also was not affectionate in the least, gave me no compliments, and rarely asked about anything related to my interests, my day, and never feelings. He also has about 5 prominent stimming methods. He had a few meltdowns when I wanted to talk about feelings, where I basically said hey it’s been about a year, if you don’t want to be together that’s fine but it’s time to make a choice. And he kept saying he didn’t know and he never once told me how he felt about me—instead deflecting to “I’m hanging out with you aren’t I?” Which... really only lasts for so long because for me as an NT I need that verbal affirmation once in awhile. Anyway fast forward to a week ago tonight, we had dinner at a restaurant and discussed things that weren’t initially topics I’d consider heavy but it turned into a diatribe of insults, and on the drive home when I pushed back on those insults, he said he was done. Dropped me off and drove away, haven’t heard from him since. To be honest I’m worried he will contact me again, just call out of the blue likely upset I didn’t contact him, which has happened in the past. Or he may never contact me. I’m worried if he contacts me I’ll get roped in again, do any of you have advice for sticking to your choice to leave if they want you back? I think what makes this hard is it’s easy for me to say it’s not his fault, it’s his condition. Because if an NT treated me this way I wouldn’t put up with any of this stuff. I think it’s harder because I feel sorry for him for having these difficulties. Also, I would describe this experience like “chasing the dragon” to a drug addict: in that the whole time I was hoping he would return to the same person he was in that first month, who I thought was really great. At this point I haven’t seen that person for over a year. Is it safe to say he doesn’t exist and it was all masking?


Janet
8:52 PM
Sat 27th Mar, 2021

@Kayla I agree with @Vicky I think your ex’s partner will eventually meet the same fate. What happened sounds a lot like what happened with my ex aspire and me. He seemed to completely change for me at the beginning-doing things that I loved, hanging out with my friends, talking about marriage etc. He was completely obsessed as I guess I was his special interest. And this lasted a year and then slowly the mask started slipping off. It was slow and gradual at first. It might take longer but I’m sure the same thing will happen with your ex. And the shock will be that much greater for their poor partner.


cassandra
12:25 PM
Fri 26th Mar, 2021

hey guys, it hurt me deeply when my son left our entire family for the sake of his love. For the last three years, he has stopped communicating with everyone...I put the effort to reach out to him and every time the response is at a snail pace, I feel rejected. I imagine him prioritizing his girlfriend over the world and I keep asking what did i not right for the last 27 years that she had done to him. I literally lived my life for him, tending to every one of his needs. he was the apple of my eyes, he appeared kind, respectful, loving...When i realized ASD, i understood everything. He was masking all along, never wanted to talk to anyone, never interested in anyone, and he has taken this opportunity of misunderstanding to shun everyone. Probably he love bombs her, may be the true color will come out...after all, i lived with my ASD husband for 27 years not knowing about ASD and having so many assumptions that he loved me, he is innocent, he didn't mean to hurt, he is busy at work that he has no time for me, etc...NOw i am torn between treating this as a mental disorder and be kind and protecting my mental health. These NT sites really help me...I cant heal as i interact with them everyday...so i heal and get hurt, heal little and get hurt more...this is a vicious cycle


Vicky
9:46 PM
Thu 25th Mar, 2021

@kayla - we feel your pain. I had to come to the realization that we are completely insignificant to them. We are a means to an end and we will be replaced as if we didn’t matter because we don’t. Their new interest will go through the same torment eventually that we did and to me I wouldn’t want to go back to that relationship if I was paid to do so. It really sucks that we were so negatively affected in our self-worth and self-esteem by the end but we truly are so much better off without them. I really hate when people ask me if I am dating as if the nightmare of that relationship is something I can just shrug off and do a rebound. We need a lot of self-care and I don’t care how long it takes before I am capable of seeing someone else. My daily meditations and exercises and Bible study has helped me in so many ways. Unfortunately I still ruminate over the nightmare and I keep praying and hoping that eventually he will be a distant memory and I am extremely indifferent to him. Fortunately I am getting a little bit of satisfaction in the fact that the people around him are disgusted by him getting engaged 9 months after our divorce so I did get a bit of validation. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand any of it because he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to know how awful he really is but the sympathy I am getting is very touching.


Kayla
8:37 AM
Thu 25th Mar, 2021

So it appears that aspies can change if they think you’re worth it. My aspie ex completely changed himself for his current gf. He used to wear his hair long, no beard, glasses and lots of heavy metal memorabilia shirts. Now he wears his hair short, with beard, and no glasses. He used to make fun of people who had tattoos and now he’s obsessed with tattoos because she likes them. She comes from a wealthy family like his ex wife and is basically living the life. He committed to her and moved in with her super fast. He posts photos of them together with heart emojis and loves showing her off. He never posted any of his other exes including me. They’ve been together for a year and I think they will probably end up married. I come back to this testimonial site to remind me who he really is. He treated me like trash, thrown away and forgotten without a care in the world. Then seeing him have a thriving successful relationship immediately after with his perfect match that he completely changed for. Meanwhile I basically lost my self worth, my self esteem took a huge hit and had to pick myself up for way longer than it should have. I haven’t even wanted to date since him because I’m so scared of attracting someone like that again. He seemed so genuine, innocent, and sweet. I truly believed that he would never hurt me the way he did. I don’t want to feel jealous because I saw that dark side of him, it was the most cold empty feeling that I’ve ever felt in another person’s presence. It’s hard not to compare and think wow this gf was worth him changing over, but it’s all for his benefit in the long run. He even admitted to using his ex wife’s family to get ahead in life and would do it over again. Once he got what he wanted he divorced her after a year of marriage. I just wish people like this came with a warning sign because it felt so similar to dealing with a narcissist with a couple of components missing.


Janet
7:55 AM
Tue 23rd Mar, 2021

I cannot thank you all enough for your responses. And as usual, so many things hit home. @Victoria I also think I stayed as long as I did because of his faithfulness. And oh my goodness the collections and trinkets. His entire closet was filled up with tiny identical boxes with labels from his label maker. Filled with collections of found stuff. He also had 5 large tupperwares of Bop Its (that game from the 80s). He had hundreds of them. And when I wanted him to move in with me he said there was no room for his stuff and wouldn't get rid of any of it. And @Elodie yes yes yes! I have heard that from sooooo many people. "He's just a guy." "Guys are just like that". Thank you for your post. Honestly, it wasn't even those behaviours to me that were abusive (they were shitty, sure) but for me, the abuse came from the gaslighting. When I tried to talk to him about how I felt (or anything) he would deny and or stonewall me. Nothing ever got resolved and I constantly felt confused and crazy. Never a sorry, never a thank you. Even memories from our first year were denied which I'm still so confused about but I remember someone on here posting about a connection between memory loss and masking which would help it make sense. Once I tried to show him how much he had changed by showing him old texts and he said "well I guess you beat that guy out of me". That is the abusive part. And I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone. I did everything and anything for him. I tried SO HARD to understand and make him comfortable and ok in every situation. He was my everything and I thought my heart was safe with him (because of the way he presented himself to me when we met-completely fake). @Alex absolutely the same. At the end I became terrified of him also. He seemed to become more rigid and cold with each passing day. My anxiety was through the roof. Hands down the most heartbreaking experience of my entire life (and I have been through some SHIT). It's incredibly hard to not be able to find comfort with friends or the rest of the internet but I'm so grateful that I have this site and all of you. Thank you so much for your insights.


Time to talk
12:25 AM
Tue 23rd Mar, 2021

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you're screaming for help but no sound comes out your mouth or you're calling out but no-one can hear you? That's what it feels like to live with my (soon to be ex) partner. No matter what techniques I try, he simply cannot hear me. He just can't grasp what I'm saying. I say X but he hears Y. If I tell him he's misunderstood me, he gets deeply offended ('Are you calling me stupid?') and becomes immediately hostile and defensive. This is where his energy goes, he puts no effort into getting to the root of the issue at hand. Trying to get him to hear me is like trying to get a baby to understand Shakespeare. Impossible. It's a lonely place to be when the person you share your life with can't hear you when you call out. But he doesn't even understand that.


Alex
11:22 PM
Mon 22nd Mar, 2021

Hi all, I also want to add something to this issue of not being recognized by others. I have found a great resistance to accept that I was living what i could say "unfair" situation even by therapists. Now I don't talk about what really happened to anyone except some of my closest friends, who really know what I went through. It is really too painful to finally look for help and find nothing but indifference. Not even being allowed to explain my experience and perception of it. As I explained before I ended up with traumatic bond, an indescribable anxiety that made me loss more than twenty pounds of weight in a few months, and eventually when the relationship was over but still working together, I dealt with panic attacks when I had to meet her. Really weird situation where I was terrified of her. The only certainty I had was that she was going to hurt me somehow. But still felt the trauma bond and all this love like emotions about her. I must say that I feel much better now, but it has been a difficult road. When I was looking for help, the only concern of some of the therapists I tried to work with was not to "label" my ex. Ignoring that I was talking about emotional abuse situations. Do not label please, everyone has the right of being who she is. Of course, but I also have the right of not being abused! The label is not to blame, is just important information. But nobody really cared about that. The intention is not to label, even now i have a great respect for the person my ex is and the struggles she faces. But it is important also to recognize that a relationship with her or someone like her, is not from equal to equal. On the other side there is the absolute ignorance about trauma bond, I also found a therapist that urged me to delete my ex contact in front of her, to never again have any further contact. I never went back for a second session… Luckily I finally found someone to work with. And of course the work is about me and my co-dependency and attachment style. But i also feel listened and recognized. So in fact what has actually helped me is to talk to the very few persons that I have found that can recognize my experience with a compassionate perspective and completely ignore the rest. And also online resources, like this space, and to read a lot about aspergers, narcissism, trauma bond, and the many online resources posted here by many people, Dr. Kathy J. Marshack blog. And also EMDR therapy. I don’t know why is so difficult to recognize that while the no neurotypical persons for sure need to be protected and respected, people living around them also need a lot of information, care and protection. And many times need to heal really profound wounds. She broke my heart and my soul, I felt completely devastated. I know it is difficult for one that has not lived it to know how it feels to be treated without empathy, but it feels so cruel and so cold that sometimes is hard to believe. To see how the most sweet and caring person, to who you have opened your heart, set your trust and helped to extenuation, turns into a complete uncaring and disrespectful stranger is a complete nightmare, is hell. Mostly when that person is showing the perfect mask to the world. Because now she is with a new partner, I wish some common friends could at least ask him from time to time how he is doing. As I wish people that really know my ex would have had some words for me. Because for me is been something more than a bad breakup. Anyway, healing takes time but is possible. I still have a lot of work ahead, but I have recovered my peace, mental space and capacity to enjoy life. So keep strong, dont blame yourself too much because is not an easy situation and listen to your guts and needs.


Vicky
8:57 PM
Mon 22nd Mar, 2021

@bella & Janet - both of you are spot on with the challenges in healing. Since no one other than those of us that went through this understand, it can feel very confusing and lonely. I agree that sites like these have been the only validation I have gotten. I consider my past relationship a death by a thousand paper cuts. The empty and lonely feeling was devastating. I now feel a sense of urgency to “get over it” since he got engaged 9 months after our divorce. If I could erase my past with him mentally I would do it in a second. I unfortunately keep having thoughts that trigger me into ruminating about the unfairness of it all. I will continue to meditate and try to retrain my brain to be in the moment and have a positive thought with the hopes that in time those experiences will be a distant and vague memory. Good luck to all of us on this difficult journey, I know the effort will be worth it in the end. Peace


Elodie
7:44 PM
Mon 22nd Mar, 2021

@Janet @Bella... I absolutely relate to your comments. I ended a 6 year relationship last year with my partner with strong suspected Aspergers (he doesn't think he has it). I too have only chosen to tell some close friends and family the reason why, because as you have said, your words are often met with disbelief or the kind of 'aren't most men like that?' comment. There is a good blog on this topic by Carol Grigg which I will post below. Like you Janet, I wrestled for a long time with the comments/looks and questioned whether they meant something/was I imagining them? I too felt I was in an abusive relationship but not in the typical way that we think of abusive relationships. It was only through intensive reading on the topic of being an NT partner in an aspie relationship that I understood what I was feeling was real. I still had my doubts that he was an aspie when I ended things, even though the 'evidence' for it was overwhelmingly there. In the end, I went with my gut and trusted my instinct and voted for a happier future for me. I haven't looked back. Here is the blog: "We all have our stereotypes for “all men …” (or “all women …” for that matter), but what are we really meaning when we utter this throw-away line? Demeaning towards men I would say, but what I’d really like to suggest is how dismissive this may seem to a woman who with weary and aching heart is seeking an ear to hear and a soul to trust; daring to attempt to put words around something she can’t really describe; hoping you might have some clues to help her. “Oh, all men are like that!” She slips silently back into her world of confusion and isolation; self-doubt gripping her again. Disbelieved, treated with skepticism, judged as malicious; because after all, “He’s so intelligent …”, “He’s a good provider …”, “He’s so helpful …”, “He has friends …”, she hears “What is your problem?” She’s been asking herself this for years, altering, adapting and adjusting herself till she barely recognises herself any longer. The problems persist, as does the self-blame. So hard to put in a nutshell. Nobody sees. Words and meaning misconstrued; nothing resolved; prescribed ways of doing things; one way; interests and obsessions; his agenda; unusual priorities; social gaffs; unintentionally hurtful words; emotional disconnect; constant need for prompts; change or challenge creates catastrophe; oblivious to another’s state; mechanical sex; innocent comments seen as attack; her love cannot win; her preferences disregarded; she parents alone; complies with rules; carries the load; co-operates with correction; loses touch with her friends; sees the world going by, while silently and compliantly she continues dutifully on, searching for something to make sense; “he’s not a bad man”".


Victoria
5:54 PM
Mon 22nd Mar, 2021

Replying to Janet's post, Mar 21: Oh Janet, yes, I know exactly what you mean! Your post resonated completely with me, and just as you were asking if anyone else knows what you mean, I was experiencing that finally!! Someone else knows my experience too, by reading your post. So thank you for sharing what you did. I've been recovering from the relationship with my ex-aspie bf for two years. He truly destroyed parts of myself I've had to completely rebuild, my self esteem, my nervous system, etc. You mentioned reading about trauma bonding and perhaps I should look into that as well. I've been reading consistently here on this website, as well as a few others, have ordered a few books on aspie/nt relationships to try and understand what happened to me. I'm a very nurturing person and a great girlfriend, as I'm sure we all are! I've definitely had my heart broken before, but nothing like this. This was..... different. I too, have a very hard time articulating why to my friends. Even my very closest friends who I know are on my side, sometimes I feel like they're listening to me but not really believing it was so bad. It's important that someone knows how bad it was, so that I know for sure I'm not crazy and stumbled into something really pathological. Some of the things I experienced in that relationship were.... When we met, he love bombed me for the first few months. He called me his "wife" to strangers on our second date. He introduced me really quickly to his kids, although they were older teenagers then. He said, I found them the best step mom. He gave all the signs that I was the one, he finally found me, and he was planning our future. All along the way though, looking back now, there were sour notes, like a violin hit a note really off during a beautiful piece. This thing happened where sometimes I looked at him and wasn't sure what he looked like, he seemed like a boy, but a troubled boy. Then the next time I would see him, he'd have his game face back on and my mind would register him as handsome. Now I know that was his struggle to keep his mask on and the act going. He asked me to do things for him, for his business, for his kids school trip, etc and I was honored he trusted me. Then those things became my job, and then he began criticizing everything I did. I cannot overstate the constant criticism. It was shredding. He was turning me into his nanny, his caretaker, his life manager. So weird looking back on it now, how subtly that happened and how I slipped into the role because I loved him and wanted to make him happy. Early on in the first few months, some odd things were... I came to his house for a date night, and all of a sudden he had to find a star wars poster. He became completely obsessed, saying it was worth alot of money, went out into the garage, came back into the house, garage, house, kind of working himself up into a panic. I felt he was accusing ME of taking it. A 50 yr old man freaking out over not finding a star wars poster, when he has a new, hot girlfriend who made the trip to see him. WTF. Wearing clothes multiple days in a row. Poor hygiene, except when he wanted to show off. Going to dinner was an extreme getting ready routine, long shower, shaving, combing, cologne, and always eye drops in his eyes so the whites would look whiter. Putting on jewelry.It's like he was trying to emulate a character from the Jersey Shore reality show. Had such a cluttered home, with the most bizarre things on display for a 50 yr old man... a paper crown, little bottles of ketchup, stuffed animals in his bedroom, toy cars, etc. He also had a freak out when he couldn't find a book of stamps. Stamps!! Turns out when he was young, he collected stamps and put them into big binders. He had 4 huge binders full of stamps and couldn't find the last one. That turned into hours of looking, instead of spending time with me and planning a lovely day. So many, many dates/days were ruined like that. I would come over expecting to do something fun, or just enjoy being together, and he would all of a sudden have to get all the coupons together. There's so much more to the story, this is a handful of cringe-worthy moments in two years and dozens of them every day. The effect his neglect, ocd behaviors and constant criticism had on me was deeply damaging. I can't believe i tried to have a relationship with someone like that. I'm mortified looking back on these things now. I knew he was a little odd, but thought, who doesn't have their little quirks? And he seemed so solid otherwise, like someone who would never cheat on me, which has been a trauma in the past. So I hung onto that one thing, and overlooked all the other bizarre behaviors. Trauma bonding. I need to read about that. Does anyone have any good book recommends on the subject?


Nikki
12:46 PM
Mon 22nd Mar, 2021

I want to grab this guys computer and chuck it across the room. I can't even bring myself to refer to him as my husband anymore. I feel like I want to find a lover and just stay for the kids but every night I'm reminded of who he is and I feel rage. The only thing that keeps me from completely blaming myself, asking what is it about me thats so unlovable is the fact that his grandma and mom, who are amazing selfless women, are literally dying and he doesn't care to check on them at all. His reasoning is "it hurts him too much". I despise him on top of feeling repulsed. Hygiene is horrible, doesn't ask our kids how they are, gives the best parts of him to his gamer friends. And he wonders why his entire family thought he was gay until we were married! I STILL wonder this same thing. I kick myself that I focused on being a mom and not finding a career. If I had the financial stability I would've been gone. Were separated but in the same house for the time being but I can see myself getting to a point of blind rage and beating the shit out of him. Any respect I may have had is GONE. I'm losing my shit


Bella
8:37 AM
Mon 22nd Mar, 2021

@janet I totally relate to your post. What I learned is to only share my story with others who have gone through a relationship with an aspie. No one else will understand, and as you say, will think you are being trivial and even unfair about your ex. The micro-heartbreaks add up. They seem not worth making a fuss over at the time, so we bury the hurt. We take on the responsibility of them. We end up with a shredded self-esteem. We struggle trying to reconcile an inner knowing of ourselves that doesn't match the way our aspie sees us. We start to see ourselves as they see us. We, the victims, become the victimizers. And that is how people who haven't experienced this, see us too.


Janet
12:55 AM
Sun 21st Mar, 2021

It's been four months since the most recent (and final) breakup with my ex aspie. And I am finally starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel of madness. I feel as if I've been recovering from an abusive relationship and had to figure out who I am all over again. Rebuild my self esteem etc. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done which only made sense to me once I read about trauma bonding (thanks to many of your testimonials on here). It WAS an emotionally abusive relationship. The funny thing is, I have a very hard time articulating why. Does anyone else experience this? I feel like when I talk about him to my friends they are almost giving me a look that says "that doesn't sound so bad." Like I am nitpicking him or something (and for the longest time in our relationship I thought this about myself). But I was only able to fully heal once I trusted my gut and recognized the trauma. It was like a hundred tiny micro aggressions every day, some hard to explain without sounding needy. Like tiny little forms of neglect each day, comments, looks etc. It's so hard to describe! But it was real. And it was the worst experience of my life. Once I FINALLY realized that the man I dated in our first year was never coming back, I felt like I had to choose between getting little bits of my heart broken every day for the rest of my life, or enduring one giant heartbreak and getting free. I am SO happy that I chose the latter. I'm just wondering if anyone else knows what I mean or experiences this phenomenon of having a hard time articulating why exactly the relationship was so toxic.


Ness
11:19 PM
Sat 20th Mar, 2021

Hey all. Its been a minute.. I had a silent win today with my aspie ex who I'm co parenting with and I was reminded of all the times I would feel defeated in the past and come to the site. After my failed relationship I was inspired to look into my self healing and figure out all the things I would need to have peace and move forward in life while still maintaining a good relationship with my ex for the sake of our child. I feel like I've came far but I still have a long way to go to get back to myself like many of you; I'm very optimistic. For so many years my mind was on a repeated cycle of "Why", so much so I started to doubt everything even myself at some point. Let me tell you now, STOP confusing yourself trying to understand people. You never will and you will drive yourself crazy in the process. Through soul searching and therapy I realized that narcissistic abuse can get so confusing you don't even realize you've probably been there before and you've grown accustomed to it. After growing up with two manipulative, emotionally stunted control freaks for parents I grew to have a few unfufilling relationships that warped my view and need for validation from others. Especially with my ex. Everyday I'm unlearning these unhealthy attachment styles and I feel better than ever. Focusing on me and what's most important on my journey is my priority right now. The hardest part is accepting he is who he is and it's not changing, but I refuse to be bitter about it and it's actually strengthened our relationship as friends. Ultimately I hope it brings me closer to who is for me and who I'm supposed to be as my highest self. I know alignment is not biased. You can be aligned to negativity or positivity. You get the opportunity daily to choose which one you prefer yourself to be aligned with. If it's one thing I can say my ex gave me is a lot of Self check moments.. have a great day. ❤✌🏻


Faithnomore
9:10 PM
Sat 20th Mar, 2021

@Seeking Help,looks like we had the same boyfriend... Everybody says that every aspie is different. Completely disagree! I went through all the testimonials, one by one and I can see the pattern, like they were made in one factory! After all, I was thrown out like garbage, without explanation, just out of the blue. It broke me completely because he seemed to be happy with me. I feel like trash and don't even deserve to be answered, don't deserve even one text with closure. Looks like everything I knew about him was a lie! Big lie! Why they can't date people like them? Oh, I forgot, two self-centered, egoistic people can't create anything, especially relationship!


Lina
8:23 AM
Sat 20th Mar, 2021

The horror show has returned to my life. My ex-aspie returned the contact after 5 months without talking to me, after a 2-year long distance relationship. And guess what? He didn't mention any apologies, he didn't mention anything from the past except a robotic phrase about "So, what do you tell me good after all this time?".Obviously, he would never care about me and that doesn't mean he misses. How much bitterness to understand, to digest, to understand again, to understand nothing, to die or to be killed by a damned syndrome like that of another person!


Roisin
2:19 AM
Fri 19th Mar, 2021

I just needed to comment upon "Seeking Help's" recent testimonial. As I have stated before, your experience is nearly completely a reflection of mine with my Aspie ex-partner, down to the hanging of the art! Incredible!! I have felt so fortunate to have been able to extricate myself from that excruciatingly painful and difficult relationship - the gaslighting was very harmful, and constantly caused me to question my perceptions and basic needs as a healthy human being. Again, my advice to those suffering would be to muster up all of the courage and savings that you can, and get out! It will take some time to heal and to recover, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! I put myself and two pets through such a great deal of torture, and regret only that I did not escape the situation earlier. Best of luck, love and prayers to all posting on this site.


ghostinashell
1:37 AM
Thu 18th Mar, 2021

@Giulia I thought A LOT about it and the explanation I came up with is that there are loads of idealization and projection in the aspie way of falling in love. I think this is true to different degrees for every person but, in the case of aspies, as for many other things, it tends to become very extreme, to the point where their partner doesn't really exist for them as an autonomous person outside of the fantasy they've made of them. For this reason, they don't seem capable of moving from infatuation to love as we may conceive it, that is actually caring about someone for whom they are and placing their well-being quite high in your list of priorities. As they don't perceive other people's inner world with the same intensity as we do - or they don't perceive it at all - the experiences they have with others may impact them to a much lesser degree on an emotional level, hence the easiness with which they are able to move on. Their form of attachment seems to be grounded much more on habit than on emotional connection. They also seem to be attracted to people they perceive to be socially "successful", or more advanced than they are in terms of social skills, so the relationship and their partner become an instrument to navigate social norms in a way they wouldn't be capable of by themselves. This means that the person they're with may matter less as an individual and more as someone who can fulfill a function. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't claim this to be the definitive truth for everybody, but it's what I was able to conclude based on my own and other people's experiences, and on the things I've read over time. It's something very hard to swallow and I'm still struggling to accept that what meant the world to me could hardly be acknowledged by the person I loved so much, let alone reciprocated. As for why they keep investing energy in draining, unstable relationships, I have no answer for that. They seem to be perfectly content by themselves most of the time, still they're desperate to fit in and engage in relationships that often turn destructive and disfunctional because of wrong premises. Maybe some things they do are bound to appear as completely illogical from our perspective and some questions are likely to remain unanswered.


Seeking Help
12:26 AM
Thu 18th Mar, 2021

The gaslighting is the worst. We need to be accommodating to their different brains. Make sure the lighting is right. Make sure the perfume doesn’t smell. Clean the dishes twice. Make sure the skin is soft. No makeup but make sure the bags under the eyes aren’t seen. Make sure not to pressure or appear too desirous. Play coy. Play uninterested. Be content with crumbs. Be open and willing and grateful when the love and affection does come. They don’t do eye-contact, so let’s get over our silly need. They don’t do wet kisses. So stop with that grossness. Frequent, passionate sex? How about occasional, early morning, masturbatory sex without kissing or eye-contact? Cuddling after sex? How about jumping up afterwards and showering immediately. Desires for pillow talk? What’s the point in that? Can’t we just go watch the news now? That should be enough. Oh, having conversations with conflict resolution where you can bring up your fears and desires and feel that they’ll be received and worked on? Why would you need that? It's just a bunch of nonsense. Why would you feel the need to be told words of affection like how beautiful you are, how kind and passionate you are, how much they love you? Forget the need for words and focus on the fact that they aren’t sleeping with someone else. Well, they did come over and hang some art for you, isn’t that enough? And your need for them to control their temper is just too much to ask. Shouldn’t they be allowed to ruin any and all occasions based on their feelings if they choose to? Shouldn’t you be happy with their presence even if they’re miserable, rude, loud, repetitive and hostile? Shouldn’t you deal with their profound negativity and be excited about their mundane, pedantic stories? Shouldn’t you be content with one-sided conversations or monologues about their exes or other stories that bore you to no end? Shouldn’t you be happy that they’re even talking to you? Shouldn’t you be content with their neglect? Shouldn’t you be content with their obsession with work or whatever task they need to get done that day? Why aren’t you accommodating to the fact that the most basic adult task is draining for them emotionally and they will need you to take care of them? Why aren’t you fulfilled with this nonexistent sex life and the fact that they at least call you or see you with their free time? Why are you so demanding to have your way when they hang your art on the walls? Why are you so needy for affection and intimacy? Why must someone look at you and touch you for you to feel loved? Why do you want them to desire you like they did the first six months? Why do you expect them to be the same person they were when you met and they were wearing a mask? Shouldn't you feel honored that they feel comfortable enough to let down their mask and reveal the truth of who they are? Shouldn't you be content with the fact that they haven't left you? Why must someone actually listen to you and care about how you feel? Why do you ask so much from a partner? Can’t you just be content with the fact that they’re in your life at all? The gaslighting can drive you mad. You start to wonder if maybe you are asking too much and being too needy or insecure. But when you write it down you can see that you’re asking for the bare minimum.


Vicky
8:37 PM
Wed 17th Mar, 2021

@guilia - On YouTube I listened to “why some men with aspergers and HFA fall out of love - seemingly overnight by Mark Hutten. It is only 5 minutes but it clicked with me and I hope helps you understand. I find the more I learn about this condition the less my past relationship hurts. I get a lot of ah ha moments and it helps with healing.


Nana T.
4:01 AM
Wed 17th Mar, 2021

Hey,all. I know aspies are known for literal and black and white thinking. Can you give me examples of literalness from adults with aspergers or autism that you know. Share examples from your aspie significant others or former significant others


Giulia
12:20 AM
Wed 17th Mar, 2021

I read a lot of testimonials with some patterns of behavior of the aspies partners.. It is usually about their quick movement in finding another person for almost immediate or simultaneous replacement. As if the ex-partner were erased like dust. Could someone explain to me why they do this or why it happens so often? Do they not reflect on the tiredness and energy in masking for a new relationship? It is usually the problem for them, but they keep investing in it! It's so bizarre and painful. :(


Vicky
8:41 PM
Mon 15th Mar, 2021

David - thank you for your reply. I am healing more each day but I do realize that the trauma bond was pretty intense and I avoided acknowledging that due to my pride. I just have to accept the fact that love means different things to neurotypical‘s versus people with autism. i also spent many years protecting him from his childish impulses so I think I have to let go of those habits. He has a lot to lose if this doesn’t work out. I also want it known that I do feel concerned for his new woman, I know what the future will hold for her when she is no longer being loved bombed and that is something I would not wish on anyone. That pain is extreme and unfair but I realize it is no longer my concern. I feel completely different today than I did when I wrote that post. I do have hobbies by the way, many of them😊. The only thing lacking in my life right now is employment since I retired last year so once I get back on track I think things will definitely be much smoother in the healing process. I really need to be productive and purposeful and Covid has definitely affected that ability.


David
7:37 AM
Mon 15th Mar, 2021

Vicky - It seems like you are suffering from Cognitive Dissonance. I commend you for moving on and divorcing but you also say his new relationship is exhausting for you. Let us not forget what they do, love bomb. That could be the reason for his short courtship OR he could truly be in love. Either way, 21 years is a long time to be with someone. I don't think it is appropriate to put a timeline on when someone should move on. There is a right way you can tell others you no longer want to be informed of his situation any longer. Pictures can tell a story about a person but can also be telling of the picture taker. Take care with this information, but I think in your situation it is best to ignore especially if you feel like it's with malice intent from sender. You've expressed wasting countless years, now that you have both moved on don't continue to sow toxic seeds. If you haven't already, now is the time to find new hobbies, passions, and joys in life. Like you said yourself, Her problem not yours. Make the best of this new beginning.


Vicky
5:18 AM
Sun 14th Mar, 2021

Well I found out today my ex asp is engaged after only 9 months from our divorce. She looks like someone that was at family functions in our past. I am not shocked based on all the research I have done about them but it still feels crazy. I was sent photos by well meaning people (eye roll) and he literally looks unstable in them. I know what she has ahead for her future so I feel sorry for her. I just needed to share because their ways just keep feeling like a slap in the face. My 21 years with him seem so senseless and wasteful of my life. A positive in this situation is he is now her problem and maybe I can no longer be affiliated with him. Fingers crossed that people stop telling me what is going on with him. It is such a struggle to not let my ego get tripped or feel like I have to compete in relationship status to appear as if I am moved on when I am truly happy alone right now. It is so exhausting!


Giulia
9:35 PM
Sat 13th Mar, 2021

Can you imagine or explain how an aspie's head works with the memories of a loving relationship? My ex said to me after the end of the relationship: "I want to KEEP you in my life", referring to me as if it were an object to be kept. I thought how emotional it was to be about great memories, but also terrifying at the same time. That's because when I turned my back on being terribly hurt, he made no move to reach me ... it wasn't true that he wanted it. I'm sure we both had irreplaceable and incomparable moments together, but does he realize it that way? I'm so upset that there is nothing left and he shows no regret. Where do these memories go in the aspie brain? :(


Vicky
9:30 PM
Sat 13th Mar, 2021

@vivilouise - I related to your post. The challenge I have faced is when I hear from him it disrupts my peace. The only reason I have heard from him is due to residual business so it unfortunately has to happen. It does take me a bit to get back on track because I minimized the impact that relationship had on me. The other issue I am concerned about and would like to hear how others have handled it is when people from your past (malicious gossipers) want to fill you in on your Ex’s relationship status. It angers me unreasonably for 2 reasons - he will do to another what he did to me and he acted like a bachelor for many years of our relationship but insists on getting involved with someone else. I can logically and intelligently come to terms that I will never understand him. However to be treated by others as if this was a typical divorce or relationship ending spins me to an unreasonable state of thinking. I don’t know how to convey to others that my need is to no longer be affiliated with him as an ex and that he just doesn’t exist. We live in a society where relationships are all we discuss as if that is our only purpose on this planet and it makes me anxious and irritated since I crawled out of that relationship by my fingernails. He does well in leaving me alone but others not so much and it is causing me to isolate when I really just want to move on and be myself without this past relationship.


Vivilouise
4:35 AM
Sat 13th Mar, 2021

I moved out four months ago after four years with my aspie bf. I’m sitting on my patio in the sun, listening to the birds, and finally feeling like myself again. While I’m not dating, I’ve been reading people’s profiles online. There are men out there with things to say, a sense of humor, who like affection and intimacy! I’m still processing a lot about the past four years and recovering my sense of sanity and self. I’m reviewing a lot of memories and healing what led me to be attracted to someone with Aspergers in the first place and then to stay in a relationship that was hurting me so badly. I can finally see that he isn’t a bad person. He lacks capacity in some crucial areas and lives in a world of fantasy and projection because he can’t process emotion “normally”. I have a lot of compassion for him, but am honoring that I want no further contact with him. I must protect my sanity at all costs. We are not crazy! Living in these relationships is crazy making. No one is really at fault, it’s a heartbreaking reality of two deeply incompatible people who speak entirely different languages. If you haven’t heard of her, check out Melanie Tonia Evans who deals with recovering from narcissistic abuse. A lot of what she offers has been extremely applicable, validating, and healing. Sending hugs to all of you still in it. I’m on the other side. Getting here was brutal, but so worth it! I feel hopeful again!


Miel
9:34 PM
Fri 12th Mar, 2021

@ghostinashell There is a phenomenon you might consider. Sometimes one very strong emotion like grief can fuse to another, like love. These AS people seem to instinctively know how to target people in that vulnerable state of emotional flux. When you dealt with this person, were you having strong emotions about anything else? It might seem unrelated but you may have suffered a “boosted” emotional reaction. Now it feels like intense love but it’s entirely chemical. The underlying emotion they boosted is actually feeding those feelings. If you deal with the original emotion (and exercise), the “love” feelings will likely disappear. @Meggie His parents did you a favour. If you want a life of growth and love, thank them kindly and run.


Anna
4:58 PM
Thu 11th Mar, 2021

Unfortunately @ghostinashell (Thu 11th Mar, 2021) answer to you questions is Yes, it is possible to feel strongly about that person. However what you are feeling (and I have felt for very long time) is not love but trauma bond (aka betreyal bond or Stockholm syndrome) that will keep you stuck for months or even years to come. To detoxify your mind and your body from that you need to completely block that person from any possible contact with you: on your phone, on your WhatsApp, in your social media and anywhere else it is possible, go full NO CONTACT. Plus educate yourself as much as it is possible, however resources are not searchable in easy way. For some twisted reason in public space abuse that comes from "relationships' with Aspergers people are being validated as perfectly fine, other person just have to suck it up and try even harder. Nope, ghostinashell search and read anything you can on narcissistic abuse, there are amazing Youtube videos, books, blogs, articles. All that knowledge is out there. Be kind and compassion for yourself for all that nightmare you went through. Don't beat yourself that despite all that abuse you still feel love to that person. Don't beat yourself if you break no contact and will contact your Aspergers because this is how trauma bond works against you.


ghostinashell
7:52 AM
Thu 11th Mar, 2021

Is it possible - after realizing that you will never be happy with someone, that you've been mistreated and deceived in several ways, after coming to accept that, given the occasion, you wouldn't want to be with that person anymore because you're aware it would never work - to still love that person intensely? That's how I feel right now, and it's a very strange, confusing place to be in.


Raina
2:56 AM
Thu 11th Mar, 2021

@Vicky -- thanks so much. This website provided a lot of help and clarity when I was trying to figure out my relationship with my AS ex. The feelings of confusion, exhaustion, the constant criticism that wasn't even based in reality, the maligning and misunderstanding of my character...this wasn't just a me thing or a him thing, but a more generalized thing.


jennyjo
1:10 AM
Thu 11th Mar, 2021

Hi all, next week I leave my husband. This has been the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. It has been only five weeks since I made this decision. I offered to move out until I could find somewhere to live, but my husband asked me stay. I did so, much against my better judgement. I expected meltdowns, anger and aggression. However, the opposite has happened…..it has been an emotional roller-coaster don’t get me wrong. Initially, my husband (who honestly can’t understand why I would want to leave) bombarded me with love, tried to change my mind….but I stayed strong. After 4 weeks of his concentrated affection, he suddenly stopped! I believe this effort literally became too much for him. But god love him he tried so hard. I became so aware of how difficult maintaining a healthy relationship is for him….and my heart went out to him. We have talked so much in these last few weeks, but he genuinely doesn’t see anything from my perspective …only his. This condition is so devastating for both of us. We have cried together, because it is so sad. But he has come to terms with the situation and is even helping me with moving arrangements. I am so grateful that I stayed and we had this opportunity to talk…..even if he just can’t understand the reasons for my decision to leave. This morning he received a confirmed diagnosis for autism, again we cried together, it is so heart breaking that a human being is unable to connect with another emotionally. However, I believe it is the neurotypical person that feels this acutely and the A typical person still doesn’t ‘get it’. This is so difficult for us both, but I can move on, although I will always feel guilty for leaving him…but he is left in this devasting world of autism. I have offered to remain friends, but he feels it would be too hurtful to see me; I will respect that. I have read how so many high functioning asperges ‘victims’ move on quickly following separation or divorce and I guess we know why, they need someone in their lives to guide them through social dilemmas. It has been a very difficult marriage, confusing, exhausting, frustrating etc. etc. And maybe I’m being too sentimental because I know the end is in sight, but I have learned a lot from him too and for that I am grateful.


Meggie
12:41 AM
Thu 11th Mar, 2021

So I've been with my aspie bf for almost a year now but we have known each other since grade school. We spent almost all of quarantine together and we had some moments but it wasn't bad at all. I've always knew he was a little off but his behavior and quirks never really bothered me Until last weekend! We have been looking for places to move in together and after he told his parents they suggested we come by for dinner. I was so excited because he doesn't talk about them at all and I've only seen them on zoom a couple times. Long story short mid meal his mom bust out are we sure we want to move together due to his asperger ways? I said what's that? He just stared at me!! They all stared at me for the answer but he never told me he was on the spectrum! Something on tv caught their attention and they continued on like this bombshell wasn't just dropped on me. I looked up what it was and was shocked why wouldn't he ever tell me this. When I asked him in the car he said it's not that bad you had no idea right. It was just silence and we haven't talked about it. Ever since he has been acting so off and I've been looking at articles around the disorder. I'm wondering if this is the mask I've been reading about. I wish we would of never went to his parents house or even talked to them because things were going so good beforehand. If we're not unhappy, why did she even need to comment that at all.. genuine concern or bitter unhappiness? I can't help but feel like she said it because she is some way not happy for our future. His dad seemed ok that we were. I don't want to break it off but now I'm concerned she brought this issue up especially with how he's been acting for a few days. Do you guys Really think they're not able to have a good relationship with Anyone? Someone has to be "their people" right. Torn between cutting them out, him or Both.


Vicky
8:17 AM
Wed 10th Mar, 2021

@raina - your example #254 was the funniest thing I have ever read in regards to comments we have all made about our asps. You make me wish I would have kept a running tally of wanting to bash my head against a brick wall. I am truly interested in what that number would be after 21 years. Thanks for the laugh, having a sense of humor is so important when dealing with their nonsense.


Raina
2:36 AM
Wed 10th Mar, 2021

I felt chronically confused, drained, exhausted, and frustrated dating my ex with Asperger's. We still occasionally communicate, and this past week is example #254 of why he was so frustrating. Everyone else in my life was capable of communicating normally--whether that was responding or not responding, it was clear either way. With him, it felt like this frustrating back-and-forth, push-and-pull in which he thinks he's doing a perfectly adequate job of showing care when in reality his communication style is so annoying that it's just easier getting it done without soliciting his advice. When I have an emergency in my life, talking to him generates extra stress because he just doesn't have the empathy to understand what I need or why this even matters, because it's happening to someone else, and not to him. It's distracting and it's frustrating, and I know that if I were bring this point up to him, the best case scenario would be my patiently explaining to him why this isn't OK, and then him apologizing. Worst case would be him lashing out at me and saying this is just my being needy and entitled, when in reality, everyone else in my life was capable of communicating smoothly. He just generates extra stress in my life through his stunted understanding of human behavior, human dynamics, and communication. Sometimes, while I was dating him, I would figuratively want to bash my head into a wall. It was just very frustrating.


Time to talk
11:28 PM
Mon 8th Mar, 2021

@jennyjo You said it best yourself: "following extensive research and therapy, I realise he can’t change". This is exactly what I'm coming to accept. No wishing, hoping, short-lived efforts or well-worded promises from them will ever be enough. They are simply incapable of changing in the ways we need and I don't see how anyone (NT) could be happy or satisfied in such an unfulfilling relationship. They will never be emotionally available or empathetic as they're simply not wired to be. I now see it's impossible for me to reason or truly connect with my partner as he is seemingly unable to put himself in my shoes - to add to the head f*ck, he actually thinks he's great at empathy! There is freedom in acceptance and I no longer expect him to change. Any change in our situation is going to have to come from me and I've just given him his marching orders. As for your hubby's recently improved behaviour, I recognise this pattern all too well. My partner always brings his A game (love-bombing) immediately after bad spells but it's an act and always short-lived. I've been guilty of falling for it myself but now I see it for what it is.


Vicky
2:30 AM
Sat 6th Mar, 2021

@jennyjo - I finally divorced my asp last June (married 16 years, 2nd marriage, I will be 53) and he is love bombing the hell out of a new woman. Your ex will move on so fast you will be shocked. They are so good at pulling the Hail Mary when you go to leave and all your doing is delaying your happiness. I played the game for 4 years and I am still recovering physically and emotionally. The roller coaster of BS is not worth the ride. I am in my own condo now and it is so peaceful not dealing with him any more. I always have moments of doubt but I am focusing on myself and getting happier everyday.


Juju
2:28 AM
Fri 5th Mar, 2021

I need to get out. In the past year he has become increasingly violent and crazy. I literally the gas stove last night the wrong way and he has a massive meltdown. He un p ugged the stove, shut puff the wifi, threw my phone in the sink and threw my shoes outside. Then continued a violent rampage that ended with him breaking his foot kicking things. This is insanity. Constant crazy making. This man needs everything around him perfectly controlled to his liking or he loses it. I have to get out. Like I am bawling quietly that this has become my life. This man is a monster.


Suz
4:48 PM
Thu 4th Mar, 2021

Hi! Almost eighteen years now and I am really just now learning that I’m not crazy. Other folks have this disconnect as well? I am not wrong for craving affection or a reprieve from constant criticism? Wow. I fell somewhat validated. I miss passion and connecting with a partner. I cringe when our daughter is hurt by the obvious lack of empathy. I don’t know what to do.


Vicky
4:35 AM
Mon 1st Mar, 2021

I want to share what my ex-asp did in the past week. I already wrote how we had an odd encounter and this eventually (over a week of back and forth nonsense) led to him acknowledging he was a bad husband and wasted many years of my life and apologized. Needless to say I was shocked and wondered if a therapist gave him this script because how else could he have after all this time recognize what he did? He was never good at apologizing. I know he now has a girlfriend and maybe she helped because he always listened to others early on in the relationship. I really don’t know but I was grateful but also as it always is with him, extremely confusing. I did ask if he knew why he treated me this way, he stated he was just selfish. I want to find peace but for some reason he brought up so much anger due to my emotional health being jerked around and he knew it but continued doing it until the point of me getting sick and becoming disgustingly insecure. He said he feels guilty because he saw the toll it took on me (I lost so much weight I didn’t recognize myself) but he still drug it out over 4 years. It really bugs me that after 10 months he can still cause my anxiety to be triggered. I am moving into a lovely condo tomorrow March 1 and I want to officially put him in the past and lock it away. I really hope I succeed in doing so. 🤞🏻


Time to talk
10:13 PM
Sun 28th Feb, 2021

What a huge relief to find this site. When I met my partner, he was kind, funny and very intelligent. He love-bombed me and I fell for it. He drank a bit too much and this got worse over time and eventually turned into a very serious drug problem. I realise now that he used alcohol and drugs to mask his HFA traits. Now completely sober, these traits are plentiful and impossible to ignore. Stimming, special interests, bouncy walk, socially awkward, virtually no eye contact, no friends, delayed response to questions, classically 'nerdy' into sci fi and computers etc. (he completely hid this side of his character from me in the first 6 months!), literally incapable of putting himself into someone else's shoes, zero concern for the welfare of others, sullen, rude, pedantic, black and white thinking, impervious to social norms, the list goes on and on and on... He shows no empathy and, when I'm sad, he either walks out, lectures me, stares blankly at me or tells me all the reasons why I'm wrong to feel upset. He's never once read the social cues that I might simply appreciate a kind word or a hug. Even though I know what he's like, this crushes me every single time. He is adamant that he is not on the spectrum. Sadly for me, I know the signs all too well as my brother and (abusive & neglectful) mother are both on the spectrum. When I first met him, in a lot of ways, he reminded me of my NT dad, who is sensitive and kind. I know realise it was all a front and that he is actually much more like my mother. I have to get out.


jennyjo
4:52 PM
Fri 26th Feb, 2021

HELP ME: To those that have actually left their high functioning asperges partner ….I need your help right now. I have been married to my husband for 12 years, my story is on these posts somewhere, the same issues as everyone else, constant criticism, micro management, no confidence in my ability to do the simplest things, low level constant control, no love or affection, no intimacy doesn’t listen, ……..you all know the issues. To add to that story, this is my second marriage, and I am 61 years old now. I have left multiple times during my marriage, usually following one of his meltdowns. But each time I have returned after several weeks as my husband has promised to change, its only recently, following extensive research and therapy that I realise he can’t change. My life in this last year has become intolerable for me. Increased anxiety and all the symptoms that go with that. I called my doctor hoping for medication and her advice was that I should leave as she was concerned for my safety. I explained he had never actually hit me, but her strong advice was to leave. Anyway, I have finally rented somewhere and can move in in a couple of weeks. My husband took this news with grace…..a real surprise to me, I expected a meltdown. We are sleeping in separate beds since I told him I want a divorce. But now he is loving, attentive, emotional….constantly cuddling me. He lays next to me each evening and we cry together…..its killing me. I feel so sorry for him. I wanted so desperately for my marriage to work, I feel I have done all I can to help him to understand the effect his behaviour has on me but nothing ever improves for more than a couple of days. So to those who have left their partner, or those that are thinking about it….help me….I can feel myself relenting out of pity and I suppose love for him. I know I should leave…..I’m almost there but I think he is using these last couple of weeks to bombard me with love and affection…he is so bloody convincing I am so god dammed torn I can’t bear it.


Faye
4:09 AM
Fri 26th Feb, 2021

Came back to this site again to read through everyone’s testimonial. I broke up with my aspie ex around a year ago but it’s interesting to me read up about aspie partners still. I’m in a new relationship now and there really is no comparison with the affection and understanding that you get with a NT partner. It finally feels like I have a boyfriend instead of a whiny roommate. I am so glad I ended things with my ex before it became too late. The first day I agreed to go out with him, he told his parents about it and renewed his lease for another year (he was about to move away in a couple months). This was all on day 1. I did think it was really weird but I thought he was just really naive and it kinda endeared me a bit. He never had a girlfriend before me. Thinking back, these were all red flags but I had no idea. I already wanted to leave around 2 months in, but I decided to stick around for another 2 years because I was trying to be understanding. Because, I know he actually loved me, but he’s so clueless about it. Sex was almost nonexistent and I wasn’t looking forward to them anyways because they were passionless and horrible. I was so sexually frustrated I go on tinder when he’s not around, but I never saw anyone in the end because I felt so guilty. He was so fussy with the little things like the texture of his sock it drove me crazy. I found this site and realized it was gonna be like that forever. I decided I did not want that and that my happiness comes first. People say we are evil because we say dating aspies are a nightmare. Well it was a nightmare. Call me evil I don’t care. I’m not gonna sacrifice my own happiness to babysit a grown man. I was truly miserable during my 2 years relationship with my AS ex. He was handsome and rich and brought me traveling often which sounds like the dream boyfriend but I was the unhappiest I’ve ever been. I only have one life and it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. A lot of you here are in this for way longer than me. Wishing you all strength.


Flávia
11:15 PM
Sun 21st Feb, 2021

This week I had a moment of confusion and I would like to share it with you and ask for suggestions. I haven't spoken to my ex-boyfriend for 4 months because I blocked him from my whatsapp after moments of him wearing me out a lot, without respect and being rude all the time. We did not meet either because we are from different countries: me in South America and he in Europe. I wanted to experience the mourning of my relationship, but he always made me confused and in his strict terms, making it difficult for me. In other social networks he has access to everything in my life, in case he wants to search or want to know. I allowed him to come to me, but only when he was in decent condition (obviously, he still hasn't made a move). As I explained in the forum, I was abandoned in Europe, alone and with no one because he left me for a doctorate in Canada. I did not have any support, help or empathy... and because I was really depressed, without conditions, I returned to my country and started to remake my life with my degrees. After much effort and pain, in January I got an excellent position as a director at the city hall of my city and posted on Linkedin with a text. My ex viewed my post and entered my profile - I was notified about it, but he did not interact and did not react at all. He remained ghostly! Could anyone tell me why he did this? If he is not interested in the person himself and does not speak to me, why the curiosity about my life yet? Is this related to my professional life, a possible single focus of his interest? Does he care more about my status than myself? Does he hate the fact that I don't write to him and finally start to get on with my life? I know that he is in prison in Europe because of the Pandemic and has not been going to the Doctorate in the other country for 7 months (this is karma ironically, isn't it?). I would like any suggestions, please!


Seek Help
3:43 AM
Sun 21st Feb, 2021

I found this website months ago in hopes to better understand my asp boyfriend of 4 years. So many stories resonated with me and his askew behavior bizarrely made sense. We have since broken up and I moved cities for work but we still keep in contact. I will always have love for him. I enjoyed coming to this site to read passages even after our break up until I told my psychotic, clingy, obsessed , no life roommate about these "testimonials" (she is a psych major) and she has became so enthralled with my life and Aspergers disorder that shes constantly giving me advice as if she was in a similar situation with an asp. She has been single for years and did not know anything about autism. I've caught myself casually telling her me and him were texting again (as friends) and she went so far as to reading passages aloud to me telling me why it relates and we shouldn't be in contact. It's pathetic. You will never know the damage these people can do until you personally deal with asp long-term. No one can tell you how you should go about your specific situation. After recently starting to see a therapist i realized NT really need better resources to deal with their aspergers partners. Even after the breakup. Seek professional help. Be vocal about your needs in therapy so you can get advice and real guidance from someone who knows their stuff and has your best interest at heart. You can move on and heal. No one can convince you of that but YOU. And don't be convinced after healing from your relationship that you can't maintain a friendship with your asp. Most times they love you they just can't do it right. In some instances friendship is best. Stay strong.


Vicky
11:14 PM
Sat 20th Feb, 2021

Thank you Alex for your insightful feedback. I was listening to Robert Spira on his “what is love” podcast and he said something profound to me. He said something to the effect “as a child your openness with love must have been violated”. My mother had an abusive childhood, ran away at 15 and got married to my father an alcoholic. I was neglected by my mother & my father was never around and killed himself when I was 9. It seems so simple now looking back that being with my ex was familiar due to his neglectful ways. Also, when I opened up to him completely and allowed my vulnerability (which is hard for me) and he did not give anything in return it once again caused a huge impenetrable wall of defenses to come up. I love finding ways to evolve and when I am my healthiest emotional self I will then pursue a healthy relationship. The growth from all of this has been amazing and I look forward to a more peaceful present and future. Take care and I am grateful for everyone on this site and once again Alex thank you for taking the to time to reply to my post.🙏🏻💕


Dee
1:34 AM
Sat 20th Feb, 2021

@Lina. Wow thank you for your simple yet profound explanation. It has resonated with me. Comfort vs love. You’re so correct. Hence why they do move on so quickly. It’s not a narcissist but just how they’re wired. I’ve been struggling with the differences. I was involved with a man who I very much believe is on the Spectrum and highly functional. Great job etc. After 7 mos of accepting all of my ‘amazing ness’, but not getting much in return, actually nothing in return, I finally asked. I asked for a little appreciation and he returned the favor by completely cutting me out of his life. He explained via text that he wasn’t going to change for me and I needed to find someone who I’d be happy with but that was not going to be him. Poof, I was dead to him. I wish I had researched ASD prior to my pathetic emails and texts begging him to re engage. I could have at least walked away with my dignity. That’s what I’m most upset about. I realize now that you’re right Lina, he viewed this relationship as a failure, mask off, I ‘outed him’ and next. He love bombed me and hooked me then relaxed and was revealed. I know now that although he professed his love for me, it was just comfort in how amazing I made him feel. His father was on the spectrum and his son. When I asked him if he was, that’s when the cut off happened. Thank you for putting this in real perspective. It helps to move on. Knowledge is power. I’ve been struggling with this for 3 mos. This will be part of my healing. Comfort vs love.


Alex
6:24 AM
Thu 18th Feb, 2021

Well @Vicky, at the end its always about frustration. But its not your head slamming a wall, for me it feels like seeing someone hitting over and over a wall. It would be so simple to do or say the right thing… but it’s just impossible. That’s why is so hurtful, and besides pain creates doubts and guilt. But it just has to be accepted as it is. It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do to change it, common sense doesn’t apply much. I also think that as they understand the relationship as something quite fix, with not real connection to the partner, is very difficult reshape it. If the relationship itself doesn’t grow or go deeper, it seems a world to transform it into friendship. Anyway I’m not sure they consider of real interest to maintain a friendship with someone that have ignored even as a partner. But every person is a world, of course. I also made myself many times the question that @SeekingHelp posts. I’m sure they experience love as a warm feeling, I also felt her love as a warm spring from her heart. But I’m not sure that that feeling is really connected to the other person. Its difficult to love someone, as we understand, when you don`t truly care about that person. One situation that made me reflect about this was when one day she was wondering why one person she knew was taking care of someone in particular, when it was something that no one would expect. From the situation it was quite obvious that the reason was: because that person loves and cares about the other, that’s why is helping even if its not her duty, to say. She was totally confused about that and when I said: “I think it’s because she loves and cares about that person”, she abruptly changed subject. And believe me, it was quite clear why that person was helping the other. That’s when I think that love without empathy is just a personal feeling. Maybe comfort, as you say, maybe something deeper, I don’t know. But in any case without a real connection to the other person. Because as soon as there is a real need or issue, this comfort/love is over. For me is strange to love someone and not have the need of relieving her pain if anything happens. I find this coldness quite incompatible with love, at least as it is for me. Maybe is just my experience, but I always thought that she really loved some members of her family, and showed a real compromise with them. But I think she never really loved anyone else. Not me and not any of the partners she had before. But I’m confused about this, I am not completely sure. And I think is also confusing for them. It’s difficult to say that there is love when you mostly don’t care about the other person wellbeing if it doesn’t affect you or has direct benefit for you. If you have to make any kind of effort, love is over. That’s basically my experience.


Lina
8:22 PM
Sun 14th Feb, 2021

I would like to make some contributions to the "Seeking help" comment. Before my relationship ended, I was already suspecting the existence of autism in our relationship (with my psychologist). And when I found out, I took some steps to understand what was going on in my ex-boyfriend's mind and how he experienced his own life. Obviously, my whole interpretation is based on my point of view, biased on an NT head and that are just assumptions. In fact, when my ex was supposed to describe some emotional significance of himself and the other, it was totally chaos and contradictory all the time. The love speech with reality was incompatible. He treated love as a theory identical to math books, in which the sum of two people should never go wrong. And if that went wrong, he should soon change all factors (person, circumstance, country) so that the result was as expected. It did not mean that he saw the importance of the components of the equation and that the whole dynamic was beyond his control, unpredictable. He could make very logical assumptions about things, but NEVER with an emotional lens. This is sad because I saw how "raw" and non-existent his idea of ​​"emotional connection" - for him it was a great nonsense we wasted time caring for others. Virtually every question I asked, he had no idea how to answer. I rarely noticed that emotion was applied to his experiences, except for some that favored what he expected in his controlled life. I believe he said "love", but it doesn't exactly mean the way he experiences someone else's inner world. No personal motivation or tool he had corresponded to love in practical life, the one that works and changes the dynamics as needed. So, I agree with you that what we call "love", simply for him could be "comfort". When that comfort broke with the end of our relationship and I didn't accept any manipulation, it didn't take long for him to seek a new comfort - a person opposite me, with very different characteristics and even physically incompatible. A new person does not represent a barrier as long as the mask works and he does not have to work hard as a relationship that becomes complex. This new person could contribute with comfortable aspects about: traveling to a new country of which he has a hyper focus. In other words, effectively there is not the notion of the emotional world in the experiences, but the practical and useful questions, which demonstrate that they can control and be successful (for a while) in the investment they make. That is why when the relationship ends, there is no effort to save or reshape it - this versatile option does not exist, the result is already a failure. And "love", in the frank and pure sense, means "to break and fix" constantly when we are adults. We have a responsibility to ourselves and what we do to others. And with aspies, this responsibility is only one way, in which the partner is responsible for everything and must be perfectly compatible with their inner illusory idea of ​​relationship (characterizing the typical perpetual failure). We must not accept these relationships because they do not have an honest core of reciprocity, companionship and mutual support. They are not healthy relationships and, in my view, they rarely will be. We were lucky to escape, but it is normal that this is not clear to many of us who still suffer from the sweet and false memories of a "love" of deception. Strong empathic hugs for you! :*


Lostboy
5:22 PM
Sun 14th Feb, 2021

I have never been abused with such tender loving care. For nearly three years I knew I was going mad but I couldn't work out why.. even though I knew she was autistic, even though I was the first person in her life to tell her that she was autistic I still couldn't get my head around what that actually meant. I have ADHD so technically I'm not neurotypical either but even that was not enough to prepared me for her. I can't even really remember who was before all this. It will take a long time before I am able to write anything out properly but many of the posts here have been so helpful. This place feels safe.


Sabrina
7:10 AM
Sun 14th Feb, 2021

Hi all. I've been reading these testimols for months now. I can relate to Cherie a lot. I've known a guy for quite a while now but only got super friendly with him Feb 2020, by Aug I was googling Autism which lead me to this site. The guy in question is very attractive, has a gsoh, messages me everyday, FaceTime, phone calls, meet ups (when we can) & has a good memory. He still lives with his mum ( he's 45 ), never had a gf, he's only ever kissed me in his life, he's sweet and funny, but I know my future path with him is frustration & hurt. I feel frustrated already! I know we'll never live together, he'll miss his routines him and his mum have, he never includes me in his future plans. He has a lot of routines. He does not show any affection (unless I initiate it), no compliments, no spur of the moment, no interest in my life, looks bored as hell when I start talking, stands away from me in public like I've got lurgy (that hurts a lot), has super sensitive spots on his body, tells the same joke over and over, I'm now faking the laugh at the joke, he's obsessed with watching the same tv series repeatedly, his dress sense is bad, he wears the same outfits over and over, day after day, year after year ( proof in old photo's ), his hygenie is terrible (sweat and urine), his balance is bad (I think he has dyspraxia) Yet, all I want to do is to be with him!! It's so frustrating, at times I wished he was a normal guy. I know that I can't change him whatsoever, I have to adapt to him and his ways. I'm so confused really. Do I take the plunge or forget him, after reading testimonials I should forget him, but now I'm addictive to him.


Seeking Help
3:39 AM
Sun 14th Feb, 2021

I've come to the conclusion that they can't really love. Or can they? Do we ever know? Without empathy how can they care about our experience? Without the desire to understand how can they possibly feel love inside? Is it love they even feel? I wonder because sometimes I see this affection in his eyes when he looks at me. It's like a warmth, or softness that springs forth from deep within. But is this even love? I understand how I believed it was love all these years, but I can't presume to know what his experience is because whatever he communicates comes from a brain that interprets the world very differently than mine. The word he chooses, for instance, may mean something very different for him. Like, he doesn't know what empathy even means. He thinks neurotypical people are just making up a construct when they use the word. He thinks that perspective-taking is truly an impossible feat that we pretend to succeed in. Does he feel strange about the word love? Does he use this language as a way to get by but deep down have no clue what we're talking about? I can't assume that it's love at all. Maybe it's comfort. Maybe it's the peace he feels when he can go home and control his environment. When he feels "love" for me maybe it's that he's relieved that I love him and I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes when he makes love to me I think it's more about him pleasuring me, not for my enjoyment but for proof that I won't leave. If he can pleasure me I won't leave. I'll be hooked into his controlled, weird world. And if they can't really love, then what the hell are we all doing in these relationships? If we aren't truly being loved here no wonder we suffer so amazingly. I'm curious, do you believe that they can and do experience love? Or is it something else?


Vicky
4:51 AM
Sat 13th Feb, 2021

I need any feedback that you guys on this site can give me. I went to pick up my taxes today and the lady tells me my ex-asp paid them and he told her how much he misses me and what he should have done to keep me. She looked like she felt so sorry for him. I reacted by saying it wasn't appropriate for him to pay and she just continued to look sad. I contacted him once I left because I did not believe him paying was appropriate. He gave me what I believe is a BS reason for paying and that he actually owed me since I was overcharged for his overtime when the taxes were divided. Anyway, I did ask him if he told the tax lady he missed me and he said "no and I am not saying anything further". I said we spent 21 years together and you can't admit to me you miss me but have no qualms telling a stranger. We then proceeded to move on in the conversation and I let it go. He then texted me after we hung up apologizing for upsetting me and that he noticed my tone changed. He then said "even a year later I say something and it comes off the wrong way". WTF?? Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated. My head feels like it was slammed against a wall and I just feel confused and weird. I only wanted to be genuine friends and comfortably admit if I missed him due to a long history but I have no intentions of it becoming anything more. It seems like it should be simple, we didn't work out as a couple but we still like each other so why not friends?


Awake
8:27 PM
Fri 12th Feb, 2021

Finally, after 5 years of back and forth I’m truly DONE. I started distancing myself last year..not responding to his txts and turning down invites to participate in HIS favorite activities. I can’t explain why I’ve held on for so long. I guess deep down, i kept hoping our relationship would deepen and grow. Not happening. So, I’ve let go knowing that the memories were sweet but our time is done. The last and final thing I must do is block him from texting me and I am as soon as I get the opportunity. We cannot let allow someone to stand in the doorway..they’re blocking the way of true, healthy reciprocal love. Move in and heal. I wish you all peace


Cheri
7:10 AM
Fri 12th Feb, 2021

I just found this site today. I have been searching and searching for a reason that I don't feel connected to my husband anymore. He has so many of the qualities that are describe by others. He acts like a child, I cringe at the way he talks to coworkers - he has zero knowledge of work etiquette. He forgets EVERYTHING I tell him. He remembers every detail about things from his past and repeats the same stories everyday. He does not know how to be passionate anymore. He pets me like a dog instead of caressing me. I cry almost daily because I feel like I am loosing my mind. His children have issues with him. He is not emotionally supportive at all. The one difference is - he is sweet. He never yells or cuts me down. He tells me daily how much he loves me, but yet I don't feel it. I know he loves me as much as he possibly can, but it is not the way I need to be loved. I am not going to leave him because I love him. I adore him. He just makes me sad. I miss having someone to share life with. He tries to do the things I like but he hates my interests. He won't watch TV with me, he watches the same series from start to finish (all six seasons) over and over. He laughs at the exact same jokes. It is as if it is the first time he has heard it. I don't know if he has Asperger's or is on the Autism spectrum, but it is too similar to not explore. I know he won't go to therapy, so I will go and try to figure this out. Reading the other testimonies has completely deflated me. I sent this link to my stepdaughter so we could try to sort this out together. We are overwhelmed to say the least. Does anyone know if there are different levels to Asperger's? Like I mentioned, he has so many of the characteristics, but he is so loving (in his own way). He is not mean or condescending. I do not walk on eggshells around him. If anything he walks on them around me because I am so upset all of the time. Anyway, thank you for reading this if you did. And I wish the best of luck to all of you. Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship sucks!


ghostinashell
1:16 PM
Thu 11th Feb, 2021

I'm ashamed to say this, but I often find myself literally craving for her. I feel restless throughout the day and I end up staying up late at night in order to be tired enought to get to sleep. It feels like there's something missing, something essential, constantly. In my mind, I know this is not healthy and that I should get over it for my own well-being, but my heart says otherwise, it says that I won't never love so much again and that I'm lost without her. Then I want my mind to shut up and my heart to be finally satisfied, to the point where I can break down in tears and let go all of this tension. I feel that losing her will be the greatest regret of my life. I wish I could just hear from her again, and I fool myself into thinking that it's going to happen eventually, that she still cares. I know it's unlikely, but I still can't accept the idea that she's completely gone from my life, not like that. It's just too painful to bear.


Vicky
7:19 AM
Thu 11th Feb, 2021

@alex - good to hear from you and your coming out of the fog of trauma bonding. I have been hiking lately which is something we used to do early on so it triggered nostalgia. However I have grown so much in the past year that I didn’t let myself fall back into wondering what went wrong or if there was anything I could have done differently. I have realized I was married to a grown man that responded emotionally like a 5 year old child. I can remember certain incidents and his response was child like but I could not rationalize how this grown man could be that clueless so I kept believing I was not making things clear or I was being too needy. I now look back and focus on me and wonder how I missed the obvious signs and why did I stay so long when I was clearly unhappy. I feel stronger everyday and capable of seeing the past more accurately since my feelings are no longer raw. Time is the ultimate healer and life is so much sweeter. I wish everyone the same.


Denise
5:25 AM
Thu 11th Feb, 2021

Has anyone experienced this? Dated a great guy for 7 mos. The love inning was in the form of sex and lots of it. Sexting for two mos then abruptly stopped. When confronted, he just laughed it off with I never try to figure out why I do things. Ok fast forward it’s going great. Apparently I’m amazing and he’s never had a woman make him feel this amazing, great sex, cooking for him non stop etc. I received nothing in return. I can spare you the details bc you’re all aware. Uncomfortable with affection, socially awkward and more. I had reached my boiling point and after 7 mos was starting to feel unappreciated, devalued and taken for granted. I shared me feelings and his response was, I’m not changing for you or anyone. Not, hey you make me feel amazing and really, flowers a card a hug? Nothing!!! His father had Aspergers and his son has it. When I asked him if he had it, he completely cut me out of my life. Poof. Blocked everything and simply said I could never be happy with him. Like all of you, this has been a horrible process of accepting. I am embarrassed of the texts and emails I’ve sent to him pretty much begging him to just engage. Nothing. I’m a strong independent woman but he had a hold on me. I believe in time I will believe that I dodged a bullet. I was his third GF in 3 yrs. I’m pretty sure my replacement is there already. The relationship was all about him and the break up was too. My question to all of you survivors is, your aspies, did they have parents who had it? Does it skip generations?


Alex
12:27 AM
Thu 11th Feb, 2021

Hi, i also still come back regulary to this site, after “my aspie” left me many months ago, almost a year. I have experienced the harshness of trauma bond. Is real and is out of one control. How can it possible to be in love with someone that has treated you in the cruellest way? Well, it is possible. And worst of it, most people don’t know about it, so will just tell you to get over it, leave the relationship, just forget that person. Well, that’s not possible. In my case I even avoided some friends that constantly urged me to cut any kind of contact with that woman. I was not able to do that, so instead I stopped my communication with them. The good news is that with time and professional help, is possible to weaken the bond, little by little. After all this months, I feel much much better. I feel calm, the overwhelming anxiety I felt last year has gone. Sometimes I still feel sad, guilty or things like that. Then I come here and it helps. My life has expanded, it no longer centres only around one person. I don't feel afraid when I communicate with people, I don't have to measure every word I say. In my case I work with her, and obviously she is not neutral to me. But I am not in horrible pain anymore. Like has happened to some of you, she is already into another relationship. And also asked me for help to make this new relationship work. But you know what, this new relationship is as poor as it was with me. And if it works is just because the other person is completely ignoring his needs. Now I know from “outside” how it is. I hear her talking in a very raw way about the relationship. Her partner needs are not important. Have that clear, if you ex is into another relationship, is not going to be better. And also has explained me some things that clarify some aspects, she was completely aware that in some cases she was making me suffer and she was being completely selfish, just using me for her benefit knowing that I would not get a return. She told me that she was completely aware of that, that it was unfair, only that she ignored it because “she was in need”. So don’t punish you too much, trauma bond exists and takes time to heal. Ignore those who urge to get over it. Is just not possible. For everyone will take a different time. But also don’t fool yourselves, the new relationship of your ex won’t be better than with you. Is just not possible, no matter how much they mask, is just a mask. And also as @Seeking Help says, have clear that they always decide how to behave, are completely mental and logical. And they often decide that hurting you is worth it, that their need is more important. Knowing that won’t break the trauma bond, but it surely helps to have a clear map of the situation.


Lina
8:44 PM
Sun 7th Feb, 2021

Eventually I return to this site to read the testimonials and strengthen my journey forward and no further back. But it is very difficult to realize that when I'm distant from my new job or people, I feel sick again, rethinking in all the episodes lived two years ago. Obviously I haven't had any sign of his life since. Really, this trauma is not a small thing, but an extreme density for a mind to tolerate... I just wish I had more strength to separate myself from this story in an impersonal way, but I feel that it is extremely difficult to achieve. I still think like an NT and am not able to make efforts to project myself to an ASD head. If I could understand 1% of how it works, I would be more at peace and free from this story. But I can't and I never can. My life slowly begins to show signs of improvement after months. After being abandoned by my ex in another country, alone, in the pandemic, I returned to my country and finally got a job using my diplomas - which would be extremely difficult being stuck in Europe. The financial loss caused by my ex starts to be recovered by the new very good salary I receive. The contact with people has fueled my interactions in everyday life and this is very positive! Unfortunately, the pandemic and prison are too strict for a better scenario than this. But I already consider it a miracle what happened after declaring myself dead in another country. On the other hand, I know that he is extremely distressed/depressed because he has not yet traveled to the country of his doctorate (Canada) and because he is imprisoned in France without any mobility to fulfill his life's dream. He abandoned me for that and now I know he has nothing. I can say that the Universe has not abandoned me on the issues that everything we do has a reflection and transformation... unfortunately, he won't understand something of this magnitude, nor even be able to have time to think about things like these. But I don't care anymore, now I feel like I'm around the corner. I send my embrace to all of you who are struggling to leave or to stay. You deserve the best in this life (and always)! <3


Roisin
1:42 AM
Sun 7th Feb, 2021

"Seeking Help", your testimony mirrors mine to an exact "T" with the addition, in my case, of occasional meltdown violence thrown in. And you are one hundred percent correct, based on my six year experience - an Aspie partner will never be able to provide the emotional support that an NT requires -- all of the terms, in my relationship, were his, and I tailored myself to meet all of his unusual and very selfish (to me) needs-- and please, everyone, ask yourselves-- is this what you want for the rest of your lives? My answer, after a LONG six years, was a resounding "NO!" Stay strong, and make a good plan, all people posting here who are looking to leave, and know that your life will be immeasurably better if you are able to get out.


jennyjo
12:52 AM
Sat 6th Feb, 2021

Ok, so I have been married to my ASP husband for just over 12years. We both have grown up children form previous marriages. My story is typical of others. We met, I experienced what I now know to be the ‘love bombing’. I found that slightly uncomfortable, I wished I had trusted my instincts. During our courtship he said a few inappropriate things to me and I would ask him to leave, but he simply wouldn’t. He would profusely apologise, and I would forgive him. I almost felt sorry for him and his awkwardness. My family including my children did not approve of him. Describing him as strange. But in the beginning I felt safe and secure with him. I agreed to marry him as I thought it would help him to feel more secure and less anxious about us. I find it almost impossible to describe how bizarre our relationship has become. He has gone from being so loving, attentive, complementary and kind to being almost dismissive of me. He never compliments now; he hardly notices me at all. He literally never listens to what I have to say. All decisions are down to him. He comments constantly on what I eat and drink. He shows no confidence in my ability to do the simplest things. He watches over me as I cook telling me how to do things better. He picks me up on the simple of things daily. It infuriates me. He talks about the future but only from his perspective and his picture of the future depresses me. He doesn’t want to talk about travelling and the good things in life. He is obsessed with money and saving….for what??? I tell him how his behaviour makes me feel, lonely, sad and very unhappy. Only when I’m at the point of walking out does he ‘appear’ to understand where I’m coming from and promises things will change. But we have been at that point so many times and things never change or improve for more that a few days. We are definitely on that ‘roundabout of communication’. Oh, I’ve done my research. I’ve tried to understand asperges, what I can do to make our life together good, but despite my increased knowledge on the subject it seems it can only ever be good for him…not me. I can understand asperges, but he won’t or can’t understand how his behaviour negatively affects me. To him I am ridiculous, never happy, always making a mountain out of a molehill! We’ve had therapy, months of it. He was an excellent therapist, experienced with A typical and typical couples. My husband attended gladly and I had such hope. But eventually I noticed he wasn’t really listening to me or the therapist…nothing changed. I think he went along with it so that I would feel better, so that I would feel sorry for him and stop complaining about his oppressive behaviour. I did for a while, but no one can sustain this soul destroying way of living forever. He has medication to suppress his meltdowns, which is positive. What has made me stay thus far is his almost boyish, naive behaviour that he throws into the mix now and again to make me doubt myself and how I perceive him….so confusing. But I’ve fallen for that so many times before and I can see this behaviour for what it is now….a dangled carrot when he knows he’s gone too far. But what I really can’t come to terms with his total lack of emotional support. I could be breaking my heart, crying and sobbing and he offers no comfort at all. I am constantly dreaming of leaving, looking at places to rent. I just need the courage to make that leap.


Hopeless Now Healing
1:45 AM
Fri 5th Feb, 2021

I can honestly tell you with all my heart that I know what it feels like to be broken from an ASP. I need to say…not all ASP are the same as my experience. My heart feels it multiple times during a day. I am very loving, caring and giving person. I look for the positive in everything, and joy and love are fundamentals of life. Never did I know that the love I was sharing was going to break me, take me to my knees and almost destroy me. I have never in my life met someone like him or experiences the devastation and then how everything ended. I was totally taken advantage from an ASP man. I was just another girl in is many, many before me. Everything started out so amazing in the beginning, he swept me off my feet, he said all the right things and made me feel incredible. He told me a story about his life that had me intrigued, but it was polished and not facts, but I didn’t realize till weeks into the relationship. I was all in by then and we had this intense connection, I loved him. I felt like he really understood me and got me. That we go each other. The attention he gave me was like nothing I ever thought existed. I felt like I was the most important women in the world, and he and I were so connected. I know now that it was all false and security for him. I stayed way to long in this relationship and I ignored all the red flags in the early days and I ignored them. The flags were on fire even and I thought I was going to be able to make a difference in his life. I didn’t know he was autistic until 6 months into the relationship when he was diagnosed. I have just gone through one of the most painful experiences of my life, my nervous system couldn’t take anymore. In January I had what would be close to a breakdown. The adrenaline rushing through my body for weeks was something I can’t even put into words: all I knew was I was in danger and my body was telling me we were done fighting. Surrender had to happen. Accept the loss and give up fighting the fight that wasn’t mine to fight. The endless gaslighting, narcissistic behavior, the constant pushing and pulling away, me needing to change to be in his world and in a relationship, do things his way, and him triggering every wound of my past. I was officially broken. He has moved onto a new girlfriend (days after breaking up with me) and he told me he had found his life partner. Proceeded to tell me all the changes he was going to make in his life for the relationship, so he could be his best self. He broke my heart with every word because he wouldn’t do any of that for me or us. He watched it happen to me. After all I had done for him, it was unreal. I have learned so much about never doing this again. I had helped him in so many ways and even financially and then he tossed me like yesterday’s trash. He didn’t have any interest in bettering himself to help us. Instead, I spent months in counselling and researching how to be the best I could be to adapt to his ASP world. So that I could understand what he needed, the sensory challenges, communication styles, and how to even accept the lack of intimacy that was something he couldn’t get. He was a big talker and made himself sound like a real loving, giving man, but the issues were me. All my fault. That was why intimacy was a problem. In the end, I was the one that paid the ultimate price. Let me tell you, if you have the chance to get out, run as fast as you can, run like hell. If I had a wish it would be to have never met him. Some ASP people have narcissistic tendencies….and I was living in the hell of it for months. I thought once he got into a better place things would be better for us. He just left me instead. Its either you or the ASP but you both don’t survive, when thing are bad and the flags are exploding….someone will end up in pain and hurting and it will likely be you. You play with fire, your soul and your life staying in something so toxic. I was at my end in December and January, I could barely breath, my body has severe anxiety, and I was so close to needing to go to the hospital. I lost me while I was trying to save his life and the relationship. Now, I am working hard to heal from the TRAUMA BONDING, (It is a thing, and it is absolute hell), for the crying to stop and the triggers to be manageable. It is confusing and somedays I just can’t even manage. I struggle with missing him….and then I think to myself…”what is wrong with me” and then the shame overwhelms me. Missing him is part of the trauma bond…..it takes time and self love to get to the other side of this. It has become my only mission to no longer be a victim but to be a survivor of this. Anyone who has been a toxic relationship has strength they didn’t even know they had. I have to remember that I am one of many women he has done this to, I am a piece of his messed-up puzzle. The sad part is that the women who have been through this before me and are still recovering…..and those that come after me…..I can’t save them from the devastation they are going to experience. I can only hope and pray that his new so called “life partner” is stronger and wiser than I am, and has more love, giving, and caring because my tank was empty. I hope that she has tools that will help him and together they can be happy. You can have him. As I pick up my pieces, I am enough, and I am not changing me for anyone ever! My daughter said to me yesterday…the saddest part for him is he never really got to know you Mom, he was so busy trying to change the amazing person you are”. Be strong, know you are amazing and ROAR and SOAR! No more being silent and being told how to live. Live a beautiful and strong life. Choose YOU! Be aggressive in your healing…..we have life to live. Experience joy and never let anyone dim your light. Shine brightly!


Seeking Help
4:39 AM
Thu 4th Feb, 2021

Here’s what this relationship will offer you: You’ll be alone. You’ll feel lonely and deprived most of the time, with the occasional, surprising bit of love coming your way. It’s like being single and going to the grocery store wearing sweats and not really looking at people, when the cashier tells you that your haircut is pretty. You like it, you feel good about it, but it’s not enough now, is it? It’s worse than being single because every day and every night you’re sharing your life with someone. You can’t help but want to be loved by them because their mere presence excludes the presence of others. They are your Significant other but treat you as though you’re insignificant. You won’t get your needs met but you’ll be expected to meet theirs. They will need space. They will need you to be patient and listen while they have meltdowns. They will be particular about how the house looks or in their need for routine and won’t be accepting of your ideas that may disrupt this. They will have to control. For instance, my partner needed to control all physical contact. I could touch his hair or the back of his neck. I could scratch his itches. But all touch had to be initiated by him. When I would try to initiate a kiss I could physically feel him tense up and hold his breath. I’m a highly affectionate and physically demonstrative person so I had to forgo my need to initiate. He expects this degree of cooperation. Don’t expect sex if he’s stressed. Don’t expect sex if we argued yesterday. Don’t expect kissing because it’s too overwhelming. The kind of patience that’s required of you is that of being a mother to a toddler. You act because you love them. You don’t act because they spend time loving you. The relationship is about patience and unconditional support (on your end only). Do you want this? And if you’ve decided you can forgo your needs for the relationship, realize that you will never be respected or appreciated for your sacrifices. They will never grasp the extent of your compromises and will NEVER be able to do the same for you. They won’t wake up one day and suddenly capitulate and love you the way you want. But remember something else, that I think about often these days; in the beginning they would pretend. They knew how to get you. They knew how to be kind and affectionate and somewhat attentive. You wouldn’t be here if they didn’t do something like this. So yes, they do know HOW to love you, they just don’t want to. They just don’t care enough about pleasing you to give you what you need to be satisfied. They recruited you as a caregiver to make this difficult life of theirs more manageable. That’s what love means to them. Notions of romantic love will make their eyes roll. If you think they aren’t carrying secrets like this you are wrong. If you always suspected that they weren’t telling you the whole truth, you are right. They play along a lot of the time to keep their interests protected. It isn’t just naivete and it isn’t cute. My partner can alter his tone of voice to fit the need. He will be monotonous when I’m desperately craving some empathy. He will express empathy and concern in his voice when I’m checked out and eyeing the door. They do know what they’re doing. They just don’t care. One time he told me, “I do have empathy. I just don’t care the way other people do.” Isn’t that all we need to know? I really appreciate this site for helping me through this.


Rose
7:09 AM
Wed 3rd Feb, 2021

I agree with Lily. My relationship was long and I gave everything to help and be understanding.The lonely feeling I was always carrying, the constant arguing, the feeling of mistrust, because I caught him in many lies. We stopped being imtimate,That was another thing he was trying to work out too. I became like a mother or a sister looking up all the infomation I could to help him/us. It's like I don't exist anymore, but he does not want to let me go. My stomach started having constant pain from not understanding where this was really going? I had to end it for my health


Anna-Jane
10:54 PM
Mon 1st Feb, 2021

Is there any research or articles on the impact of growing up with either HFA siblings or a HFA parent (or both siblings and parents?) I've posted here before about growing up with a HFA sibling and how I learned to almost think and react in 2 entirely different ways. It left me so unsure of myself and so torn between the 'comfort zone' of family and the way I saw NT friends and colleagues treating one another with far more empathy and respect, that for a while, I even wondered if I was autistic myself! In many ways I couldn't have wished for a nicer or more fun family, but there were incidents that left me in my teens and early 20s, feeling ashamed and humiliated because the way 'we' did things at home was just different. A few examples! Dad used to insist I rang at the same time every day to give an account of my day! He was almost obsessive about knowing where I was and what I was up to - so much so that one day when I was in my late 20s, he actually sent mum to the hairdresser's to see what was taking so long (I was having a cut, colour and blow-dry) My brother has a routine and as long as it is working for him - everyone else can just adapt and get over it!!! We are working together at the moment to look after mum, who has PCA dementia. He will check on her in the morning before going to work at the appointed time. He has several times propped her up in bed and given her a hot drink, knowing full well that the sheets are sodden because she's had an accident in the bed BUT....it would be illogical for him to make he effort to get her at least out of the wet bed and nightie, wrap her in a warm dressing gown and take her to her armchair because this would make HIM late for work and by the time he'd done it, I would have arrived to get her up, washed and dressed anyway! His parenting skills are also questionable. He will literally give in to his child's every demand provided it does not cause him any unacceptable inconvenience, but if his day risks being compromised, he comes down on him like a ton of bricks! Top of the 'inconvenient' list is tantrums and arguments, so he does all he can to avoid them and subsequently, has a child who orders him around and has zero respect for him, but also mimics his scornful attitude towards his partner, who he considers 'hysterical' and 'mad' because she 'keeps going on at him and blows everything out of proportion'. I keep wondering now, if his (ex) partner was actually ever as deluded and unstable as he suggested, or was she just showing the signs of the stress of living with him and feeling that none of her feelings and opinions were validated? Likewise, their son is apparently on the spectrum, but looking at a lot of his behaviours from my standpoint, I would question whether they are not more learned behaviour in order to make sense of his world? Now, I know I am not the spouse of an Aspie, but I hope this makes it to the Testimonials board. Family members deserve a voice too!


Lilly
4:01 AM
Mon 1st Feb, 2021

@ B you ask in a past post if you can actually have a relationship/make it work w your aspie. No not really. Cassandra syndrome is real and it’s people who have endless understanding and want so much to make it work. Those of us that thought they were strong enough and were willing to or maybe did not understand our own needs, and therefore did not have the emotional intelligence to realize that it won’t work out. We all have needs. What I suggest is that you take an honest look at your needs. When exploring yourself, do so with the perspective that you aren’t with your aspie partner- that way you don’t kid yourself or short change yourself of understanding your needs. At the end of the day, I say no, it will deplete and destroy you. You have to take care of yourself first. You have one life and it’s meant to be lived and for you to be the best person you can, NOT to be unhappy, depressed, and depleted. Don’t feel guilty. This is to anyone else on this forum that wonders, but you own nothing to anyone except yourself first. You owe yourself. You feel guilty of you run a person over or steal lie or cheat. You don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself. I wish I had never met the aspie or at least had run when I noticed that I was feeling drained insecure and stressed. Btw, the aspie I was with is now with someone new. She does a bunch of his paper work for him while she sits in a room while he’s at work. When he gets back from work or if she’s with him on the weekend, it’s mostly him going on and on about his special interest (work) and barely even giving her food to eat. Several people have heard him and her fighting already and I get the sense that they are in an on off relationship, she seems frustrated and coworkers hear them swearing at eachother on the phone and yelling. It’s only been 4 proper months or so of them being together. I think they are already living together. So my point to tell you this is that the aspie isn’t going to change for anyone. They CANT. period. It’s a mix of narcissism because that’s what autism is partly - within themselves only. My advice- run and intend that you find someone that’s as crazy in love with you as you are of him, be bold enough to realize that there’s better out there and you deserve it!!


Vicky
3:03 AM
Mon 1st Feb, 2021

@janet & seeking help - Of course all of us understand your plight. I feel when I miss him and focus on the good times and even the bad times my ego is in charge of my mind. When I focus on myself and enjoy being single, my true self is in charge. We are intelligent, realistic beings but we were so conditioned for so long that the constant problem solving of an impossible relationship warped our logic. How I am handling the duality with my thoughts (missing him vs being relieved we are done) is just being aware of them and deciding which are serving me and which are keeping me stuck. This constant state of awareness is helping me to stay focused on the joy I feel at times. I also realized by being in that type of relationship for so long I actually got used to being numb emotionally and my light dimmed. I now see glimpses of my light and that is what keeps me focused on me. We all have a need for love but when we are in an emotionally deprived type of relationship it is worse than no love at all, for me anyway. I am reminding myself to be patient with the process. I wish you both the ability to find you are worthy of a much better relationship. However, I am finding my relationship with myself is the best course I have taken for me in my entire life. I have always allowed relationships to take so much out of me, I give up too much of my needs for theirs. Therefore, I know I don't have enough love for myself in order to be in a healthy relationship with someone else. I wish you both peace and happiness.


Janet
9:48 AM
Sun 31st Jan, 2021

It's been 4 months since breaking up with my Aspie and I use this site whenever I feel the urge to reach out to him. Thank you all for sharing your stories, they have helped me immensely and I can relate to every single one of them. I thought it was about time I contribute myself. Maybe it could help someone else. Someone below asked if anyone's Aspie partner seemed annoyed with them all of the time and yes, yes, yes! That became us. And whenever I tried to ask him about it or point it out to him when he was being rude or mean he would say that he wasn't. Whenever I tried to talk to him about anything he would stonewall me or gaslight me. Our relationship became a hell for me. I felt so alone and crazy. The best way to describe it was that he acted as if he resented me for something. It was like underneath it all he hated me. That's how he treated me. And then he would deny everything and anything I ever brought up. I lived on scraps of affection that seemed inauthentic and inappropriate. He didn't include me in his life or tell me anything about it never mind ask me anything about mine. I felt no love from him. So, you'd think leaving him would be easy? Right? I mean what a horrible boyfriend! But that's the strangest thing of all that I can't understand. I think I still love him. Our first year was unbelievable. I had never been with someone like that before. He was the perfect man, and we were so close. Then, I don't know what happened but he completely changed. The person who once treated me like gold now seemed irritated by me constantly. He stopped making plans, stopped texting, he needed weekends alone, he even seemed to lose his memory and when I would bring up stuff from our past he would say "that never happened." It was so upsetting and I kept thinking I was going crazy because that's how he made me feel. I tried everything to make it work and I was left exhausted as he seemed more distant and cold by the day. When I finally couldn't take it anymore he just said "yeah we don't work" and wanted to be friends like we hadn't just spent the last 5 years together. It was nothing to him and he never once, not a single time, apologized for anything, ever in our entire relationship. I cut off all communication and blocked him on everything and am rebuilding myself slowly but surely. It's really hard because we live in the same neighborhood and he works just down the street from me. I have days where I feel amazing and liberated and happier than ever and am so grateful to have broken free. And then I have days like today where it takes all of my strength not to reach out to him as my heart still thinks of that first year we had together and has a hard time realizing that it wasn't real. There are reminders of him everywhere. I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me! He treated me like garbage, why on earth would I waste even one minute thinking about him when I KNOW he doesn't give a crap about me and has moved on just fine. I feel defeated right now, and scared that I will never get over him. I'm also scared to ever date again as I feel completely used and duped. I'm scared something is wrong with me to even still love him like I have no self worth or something. Thank you all again for your support, you are all helping to keep me strong and remind me not to try to go back. I would not have made it this long without you.


Seeking help
4:21 AM
Sat 30th Jan, 2021

I don't know why it's so hard to leave him. I spend most of my time in affective deprivation. I spend 80% of my time in a state of ambivalence and dread about having to leave and feeling guilty about going, while also feeling angry about never getting my needs met consistently. When I do decide to leave, he will come in and sweep me off my feet. He suddenly has the attention, eye-contact (although always minimal), affection, sexual desire, and even tears. His tears make me think, he loves me. Don't hurt him. He loves me, we can make this work. I love him. But within two to three days he's back to his preoccupation and his special interest. He's self-absorbed in his conversations and he seems oblivious to my feelings or inner world. I've been playing out this pattern with him for so long it's embarrassing that I haven't committed to leaving. I'm tortured by my own inability to follow-through with the end. What keeps me involved? I just can't figure it out. What keeps him involved? Due to his mind blindness he has a way of forgetting the troubles of our relationship and just staying the course. He has the ability to ignore me for the greater cause (his work schedule) without an inkling of guilt about my pain and feelings of neglect. Then, when he's ready, he wants to have someone who will listen to his stories and rub his back. He doesn't have needs (sex, touch, passion, intimacy, deep connectedness) the way I do so it doesn't bother him when it's missing. But why do I stay? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. Does anyone else struggle terribly to leave and feel guilty about staying or going? It's a torturous limbo I'm in.


Nana T.
2:35 PM
Fri 29th Jan, 2021

@So Tired, you're onto something about the farting thing. One friend of mine dated one aspie guy for a couple of months last spring. She told me and his new girlfriend this 'That he burps n farts a lot' She said that whenever they videochated, after the burp or fart he’d say what he thinks it is. Like he would say "I had broccoli today that’s a broccoli fart."' She sent him gifts such as rings and a box full of snacks(cost $20 to send). She says all HE sent HER was cards that he made himself.


Lilian
8:20 PM
Sun 24th Jan, 2021

@Heinrich, I understand and share your despair and your sadness about these memories. It's the most difficult thing about these relationships with them... The confusion is so monstrous that there is no discernment of what was true, if we are genuinely involved and if our memories are really valid in a story. I loved the moments I had with my ex-boyfriend and thought it was a very strong and connected partnership. He was a lot of fun, completely incompatible with our end! It's simply unbearable and painful to reflect that it was a mist of deception, an illusion created successfully. I avoid looking at the photos or recovering any memories of the two of us together. I feel cheated and this is too much to face.


Michelle
6:46 AM
Sun 24th Jan, 2021

Being in a relationship with an aspiring is without a doubt the most intense torture imaginable. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. He moved in about 6 months ago amd we have a business together... Our “bond” is eroding , he is shutting down and literally not talking to me. He says we spend too much time together so when we have work projects that require hours in a car getting to the work destination he won’t talk to me. Total silence in the car. When we get to our destination he comes to life and is super talkative and engaged with clients. Then... back in the car and total silence. I thought with enough understanding of this condition I could manage the situation. I have been reading books for years as well as seeing a special Thearpist for 2 years that specializes in autism spectrum “mixed” relationships. The challenge it seems isn’t my lack of trying and patience. It’s his. Everything is one sided ... I’m the one putting in the work, time as effort. I am devastated and really tired right now. I’m heartbroken and depleted. I was told today that he sees me too often amd would rather spend hours helping strangers than be with me. He thinks my need for positive words of affirmation are a weakness . He has never said I’m pretty, good at anything, fun.... has never said I love you, only introduces me by my name and not girlfriemd, doesn’t say we or is just I. Has never held or snuggled me. Is highly critical ... I feel So trapped. I feel like if this falls Apart I am worthless and the worst of all words needy. Thank you for listening...


Vicky
6:24 AM
Sun 24th Jan, 2021

@ghostinashell - I look back on my 21 year relationship and believe I stayed due to many variables. We both worked shift work and they were opposite shifts so I had minimal opportunities to see the full extent of his asp tendencies. Also, I am a very independent career focused person and wasn’t overly concerned with relationship frivolities. He was my Prince Charming in the beginning and I had a prior marriage that was pretty bad so he seemed perfect. Due to our lifestyle it was a slow reveal that I just couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was missing. We were well matched sexually, financially and on issues of life. I have no I’ll will toward my ex and absolutely want the best for him. I could not believe how lonely my life became and he just progressively got more distant and obsessive with his hobbies and making money. I have no regrets about the relationship and am grateful it is over for both of us.


Sotired
6:17 AM
Sun 24th Jan, 2021

@Laurie My ex does the same burping thing. Not in the first couple of years, of course. He burps then verbalises it as he breathes out, almost sounding like a vomit. It's outrageous. And totally controllable. I'm glad to hear you're making a plan to leave. As with all abusive relationships, it's safer to have a strong plan with support if possible and don't tell him until you're completely gone. My ex created SO much trauma that a couple of times i left i actually went back to make it stop. There are many different types of people on the spectrum with varying developed coping strategies. Mine unfortunately is extremely narcissistic. Don't underestimate the chaos and mind games that can be created if they know you are leaving. As I'm sure you know this is not a normal break up. The sad thing is, they don't want you to leave because of Love...it's because you are an interpreter for them to the world and the world to them. Your empathetic, compassionate, social, kind, funny self is a host for them. Its too much to ask one person to do with very litte in return. Good luck! I hope you experience true freedom soon.


Laurie
12:25 AM
Sun 24th Jan, 2021

When I do leave and feel safe he is going to go into a rage he may never come out of. I am sort of laughing at the scene and yet completely broken as I can't be honest with him and have to operate in a passive aggressive sick sort of way all of the time around him. We all want to appear normal and he has no regard for me yet we live in a small rural area where image is everything.


Laurie
12:21 AM
Sun 24th Jan, 2021

Oh, and the ridicule, blame and rage have crippled me emotionally! There is no reasoning ability in him. My marriage has been a complete waste of my time, energy and all other resources. He contradicts everything out of my mouth as if he doesn't have the mental capacity to even see something from another person's perspective only his myopic view. His mom has been in a 65 year marriage with his dad who has Asperger's written all over him! It is comical yet a tragedy to watch their interactions. It will be a miracle for me to physically get out of my situation. However, I do have a plan that is unfolding with each passing day! I am not sure what reality looks like anymore and I am not sure I can integrate back into society but I have faith and put one foot in front of the other...


Laurie
11:23 PM
Sat 23rd Jan, 2021

When my husband burps he has this odd sounding routine and it sounds like a whole symphony performance. Very odd and he does it many times a day. Never seen anything like it in my life. He is undiagnosed HFA. Very unfulfilling to live with him. Never any conflict resolution skills as he gets a headache immediately if I confront him about the most minute thi that in the real world would be resolved with a real quick mutual understanding and agreement. Then move on to living and enjoying life and progressing and growing as a person. Not with this guy. Constant frustration about trivial things that are irrelevant. Always majoring in the minor. Always! I can't believe how what I read in the posts completely resonates with the Dynamics of my "marriage." He is just plain weird at the end of the day. We have no spiritual, physical or emotional intimacy. None! I say nothing as he doesn't have the capability of seeing or hearing me. He is a rancher so lives in an empirical world across the board. All about attempting to stuff himself with lots of material things excessive work, gambling, alcohol and "showing well" as they say in the animal world.


mel
12:05 PM
Sat 23rd Jan, 2021

Does anyone elses aspie seem annoyed at you a lot? Especially over small things. Some days I feel like I cant do anything right. He also denies it when I say he sounds annoyed at me. Its quite infuriating. I miss how he was in the beginning


Sotired
8:14 AM
Sat 23rd Jan, 2021

@B Oh my gosh...your description of that interaction with your husband has been my everyday for almost 16 years. Interactions that should have been tiny nuanced understandings turn into these soul crushing distressing word salad nightmares. No matter What level of organisation or eons of explaining i would do, very little would be understood by him. I personally just became more and more exhausted, unhinged, and so so empty. It's not how any of us should be spending our time. As the years went on, the more it was all "My fault" the more abusive he became, the further away I became to the functional, strong, confident, joyful person I once was. Give me something real to fight about, give me someone who can have conflict (however hard) but come to a resolution, an understanding. This is like screaming into mud and drowning, over nothing.


Sotired
8:00 AM
Sat 23rd Jan, 2021

@ghostinashell Regarding why we stay for a long time. The answer is complicated and I'm sure different for everyone yet with some common parrallels. I've found that my ex HFA partner had a range of coping mechanisms which were supported by his mother. These included deeply narcissistic traits, abusive tactics and developing truly endearing character traits (ones that work particularly well with younger women). A great book to read is "Look what you made me do" to describe the often covert behaviours of abusive people which lead to an onslaught of debilitating issues with the receiver. Ranging from physical sickness to cognitive issues etc. For me personally, my ex had this seemingly really compassionate creative side. He's a musician and so uses that as a really easy way to pull people in without having to verbally communicate, he could be a whole character without having to make eye contact or speak to anyone and would cover particular songs to portray a personality he didn't have. He could only sustain this for brief times so the outside world would see him as social, sexy, connected, emotional etc. But then take that person home and you have a moody, controlling, pedantic, silent, distant awful person. It took around 6-12months for this mask to drop. And by that stage so many covertly abusive tactics have been used that your brain just doesn't quite work the way it once did (There's a lot of science behind this, but too much to explain here). I tried to leave about 3 times in total over 15 years, and when I left he said he would change, started counselling (But never addressing autism) became the person at home that everyone sees outside etc. A person can only live a character for so long though, so the mask would slip eventually. The cycle would just go on and on, and what is common also is that being with someone like this means you are usually isolated and often dealing with a lot of shame. Which ultimately makes it hard to leave for many reasons. Don't discount the powerful coping tactics that HFA folk develop from birth to find a sense of place and power in a really confusing world. I'm in no way saying all Autistic people are like this, but mine was.


Heinrich
10:58 PM
Wed 20th Jan, 2021

I hate all the good moments we had. They were so, so nice. I still know how he looked at me and smiled. But it was all a play. But it is so hard to forget the good moments. I wish I had never met him.


ghostinashell
5:58 AM
Wed 20th Jan, 2021

I have a question. Many people here seem to have stayed with their Aspie partners for a *very* long time, sometimes even decades. If the relationship is so excruciating as you say - and I believe it is -, why have you stayed so long? Why have you even started a family with such difficult individuals? I am genuinely curious.


Brenda Hynes
5:42 AM
Wed 20th Jan, 2021

Thank you for your responses. I sincerely appreciate it. I know people here have experienced similar things. It's nice to know someone is listening. I understand exactly what you mean about the loneliness and lack of emotional connection. I am living with it as well. All the best to you all.


flawedplan
5:31 AM
Wed 20th Jan, 2021

@Fla, yes to all of what you say and then some. The silencing feels almost conspiratorial, but it's more that this is all new and overwhelming and easily dismissible in the face of the militant efforts of the ND movement to sanitize the autistic identity. I have a fledgling blog about my troubled relationship that I sometimes think I stay in just to keep publishing what's going on in it. Secret facebook groups have their place, but above-ground public access sites are slim pickens. This makes me crazy. Hard to believe feminists don't even know we exist, on any grand scale, but that day will come. We are the underpinnings of a movement yet to be born. I hope you feel free to keep us posted on your academic endeavors. It is past time for this. xoxo


Flá
9:30 PM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

Dear @mouse, thank you very much for following some comments I make and for offering me a lot of support <3. Your message was a great motivation for me to continue towards this study journey, even if it's personally painful and irritating to sometimes enter this world many times even after the end of a relationship. I'm very saddened by the damage that aspies can cause and reading so many of these testimonies hurts my heart.. I think one of the reasons that my aspie banished me from his life is that I'm very stubborn and I just don't accept things as they are, I'm angry when people impose things on me. Life with an aspie looks like a complete slavery contract, in which any right to exist is taken away. My dream is to return here to help all of us in the future, without having to suffer so much to convince about all of this! A loving hug. :*


Aussie
12:44 PM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

Dear *B*.... I have no answers but plenty of empathy for what you described. Your experience was mine many times. It’s really difficult. And yes some people or most people probably can’t understand. Don’t doubt yourself though.... it’s likely that no matter how differently you do things something will go wrong in the process of trying to deal with what should have been a simple thing. There’s something about those states and anger that are very disturbing. If you just back off when they make you feel like crying they can think you are being difficult or even that you * realised you were wrong but were too proud or stubborn etc to apologise.* if you try to sort it out the anger can escalate. He really needs a qualified professional to plainly let him know HE has the problem. In my case that never happened... I had no idea he had “ autistic tendencies” till fairly recently after over 30 years of a sometimes very difficult marriage. Looking back I think the stares and anger were because of a sort of paranoia... my diagnosis... in which he temporarily at least viewed me as an enemy. It’s not easy. Knowing that you are right helps. When one child was in their midterms they actually confronted their Dad about his treatment of me. That was brave. I don’t think it was believed or accepted. ((((Hugs!)))))


Anon123
9:26 AM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

I'm here again, I thought It'd be months at least since I'd have the need to be back but unfortunately having an autistic husband is a daily battle. I can't thank God enough that I ended up getting my period and not a.positive pregnancy test, that's for starters. @ B I literally can relate to you so much! My husband is the exact same, I tell him things on the day and even very shortly prior and he seems baffled that I didn't tell him, its like he is deaf. My young son is on the spectrum and he seems to 'get it' more than his father. I honestly can't believe a grown man needs assistance and reminding with so much. My young daughter is starting to realise her dad is different and difficult, she hasn't said anything but I can tell with the way she constantly has to articulate herself and the way she explains things in minute detail for her father to understand. I'm so sorry for my children the most. I'm glad school holidays are going to be over soon so they can spend time in school around normalcy and not an overbearing father.I do the most I can to encourage my children and shower them with all the love, attention and guidance in their life but having a father on the spectrum overpowers my presence. Its soulcrushing. My life consists of walking on eggshells to keeps this manchild happy. Nothing i do or say is ever good enough, he criticises the children so much! I've tried explaining that children so young do not need so much criticism, positive reinforcement is what they require in order to grow up with healthy minds but he says i need to shut my mouth when he is disciplining the kids and that he knows better. Yeah right, pyshco. I love my children at this young beautiful age, but for the sake of their own sanity and mental health I can't wait for them to grow up, have independence and fight against their father and his controlling attitude. I hate him so much, and wish everyday I could leave him.


B
8:55 AM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

Anyone think it's possible for me to have a fulfilling relationship with my husband with aspergers? Eleven years in I realize he has aspergers. Finally, it makes sense. At the stage now where I am trying to adjust to him to hopefully change the dynamics. Am I kidding myself that I can make it work? Thoughts anyone?


Vicky
6:43 AM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

@B - I would recommend a white board, calendar or some other type of item that you can list appointments, chores, activities, etc. Obviously listing the date, time and subject. Another option is a reminder app on his phone. The circular confusing communication struggle will be an ongoing battle. I was in your shoes where there were many positive aspects of the relationship but the deal breaker for me was lack of emotional connection and an ease of interacting. My ex is a gorgeous and kind man but I felt so lonely and unloved. I am a very compassionate person and was always so protective of him but I lost me along the way. I do not have children so I was able to leave after 21 years. However, it sounds like you want to know how to interact with him without crying or the confusion. I am not sure that is realistic, maybe accept his limitations and find ways that work. This incident you mentioned has given you an idea on how to handle it when/if it occurs in the future. I hope your continued research helps you learn different ways to communicate and you stumble on one that clicks for your specific relationship.


mouse
3:02 AM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

@Flá. I think most people won't be able to understand, why these relationsships can be so soulcrushing, but maybe a few. In my experience, people who tried something similar, usually recognize the pain, and strain... Luckily there is at least some research out there, that put the negative mental and physical effects of this type of relationsship on the nt partners into numbers. Maybe thats the way..? And yes, probably not an easy project to do...! But the more knowledge/research the better maybe..? Always believe ur self, make it a rule<3


B
12:55 AM
Tue 19th Jan, 2021

Hi everyone, I wanted to share my experiences in the hopes of letting it out. I also hoped some of you may have helpful tips or insight that may help me along. First, let me introduce myself. I am a Mom of two and have been married for almost 12 years. About a year ago my son was diagnosed with aspergers. Over the next 6-7 months I read alot of information hoping to find a way to support my son. Through all of this research I came to realize that my husband also has aspergers. Looking through the lens of aspergers our married life suddenly made sense. It explained so many interactions that have occurred over the years. Now, I am only 4-5 months into this realization and I have been trying to improve our relationship. I spent years talking and talking, just trying to reach him. It has resulted in very little change and me feeling even more frustrated because I am trying so hard. At this point I am trying to change how I interact in the hopes this may foster some positive changes. There are many good things about the life we've made together but I feel isolated in the relationship. That the reciprocal interaction you look for from your partner is just not there. So, I miss that emotional connection and emotional support. Let me share an interaction that just happened today. Some small, minor thing creates a conflict. I had told my husband I had an appointment several times over the previous days ( he does not remember and it is as if I have never mentioned it). I have also said I am going out today a short time before. He comes and asks if I am going out in such a way that I think he means right now. I say no, I'm not going out now. He looks confused and even slightly irritated. So I say I'm going out later. I'm going to my appointment. He is standing with a very strange look on his face as if he is wanting me to say something. I don't know what he wants me to say, in my mind I have answered his question. But he is still standing there looking at me. So, I say, What? You're looking at me like I have ten heads. He says, don't you have to go out? I say, yes, I've told you, I'm going later. He seems very frustrated now. I say, I'm going at 3:30. He says something like I knew you had to go out. Why wouldn't you just tell me where and when? I'm shocked because I had already told him several times and he never actually asked me. So I say, I didn't realize That's what you were asking, you never actually asked "What time are you going?". At this he storms off clearly very pissed off. He's very angry at me and I have no idea why. I get up and call out to him so we can talk face to face and clear up the confusion. I have to keep asking him to come talk. He says it's always my fault. I can't even talk to you because by the end of the conversation You're telling me I've done something wrong. By now I am crying. I have no idea what I did or why he is so angry. And all I was doing was explaining I didn't understand what he was getting at. To me, it's just a normal interaction, people misunderstand each other all the time. So I would just say why I misunderstood. Then the other person would say, oh, I see, I just meant this. You'd both kinda chuckle and move on. But this small interaction turns into how critical I am and he is extremely angry. I have to practically force him into talking it through. I end up in tears and painstakingly explaining every detail and trying to get him to understand. These interactions make both of us deterred from interacting alot. We do things as a family But very few things just the two of us. These incidents happen almost daily. I feel hurt, frustrated and wondering how to change it. Eventually he says I need to work on it. He seems to understand. But this is not new, many times I think "he gets it" but he just never seems to be able to apply it in the next situation. Anyone have any thoughts or insight? I'm in a strange place where we have too much good to leave the relationship but yet I feel I am missing the most important piece in a relationship. So, I am just stuck somewhere in the middle. Anyone out there relate? Thanks for the ear. I find most people don't really want to hear about it so hard to talk it through with anyone. I appreciate it. Thanks


Kitten
5:13 AM
Mon 18th Jan, 2021

I finally had the courage to tell my husband after 3 years of dealing with his ASD I want a divorce. As difficult as this was for me, I am not capable to the level of empathy that he needs. I have received little empathy in return over the years. Looking at him, or being a friend, people can not understand. I did not understand. I can no longer sacrifice myself to understand. I was charmed by him in the beginning, as a love interest you become the obsession. You will find they have an array of special interests, and for anyone they can be charmed by the Aspie especially in the beginning— I was. I noticed as time went on how quickly he emotionally unraveled. He would abuse alcohol, drugs, I believe he has been addicted to cocaine throughout most of our relationship. He has not worked in a year, and he has gotten worse. Violent outbursts of diabolical proportion, followed by hollowed apologies. It is emotionally abusive. When he did get physically violent with me I called the police in the past. I am only listing the bad traits, but the reasons I stayed in the past was due to his charm, albeit superficial. He is intelligent, and funny at his best. Yet he can sit around all day smoking weed, and watching videos and he is contented with that. His hygiene is horrific. He did not understand in the beginning of our relationship I told him the importance of washing his hands. Something we all learn in Kinder! He is emotionally very immature for his age, like that of a teenager. We had almost no social life, I had almost no support system. There were times even his mother was in disbelief with how he would treat me. The brain of an aspie is hardwired. As a neurotypical woman, I want love and affection. I want friends and a social life. Being with him as long as I have I feel like he has socially retarded me. I had already dealt with depression and anxiety before. I’m now coming out of the fog and I have finally began to see me again. It is a refreshing feeling. I believe normal men are out there, but I advise to be wary of the charming, love bombing.


Kayla
5:44 AM
Sat 16th Jan, 2021

I had a short term relationship (6 months) with a young divorced guy I believe had HFA. I didn’t realize until after. He masked heavily in the beginning. On our first date he told me how he went on a bad date with someone who gave him too much eye contact and it made him uncomfortable. He also mentioned that his brother had severe autism and was non-verbal. He was divorced from his high school sweetheart after a 10 year relationship because she cheated multiple times. I couldn’t understand why anyone would cheat on such a handsome, shy, intelligent guy who had a good job. I guess I have a bit of the wounded bird syndrome and wanted to love him back to life. He seemed really into me in the beginning, he even brought me to a work event super early in the relationship. I asked him if it was too soon but he said it’s okay to bring a date. Looking back I think he did that to appear like a regular social dude. I mistook it for genuine interest. He also introduced me to family early on as well. I noticed that he wasn’t very generous or thoughtful. He complained of having to pay on dates with women he dated in the past, so I made sure to pitch in or pay for him sometimes. I bought him nice thoughtful gifts for his bday and he bought me terrible gifts for mine. He was extremely passive. I noticed stimming behaviours such as rocking, echolalia. He talked about how he gets triggered easily. he criticized everyone all the time. He wouldnt cuddle after sex or in bed he would turn his back and be as far as possible. It felt horrible but I didn’t say anything, I thought maybe he just wanted his space. I now understand it was probably sensory issues. Towards the end he stopped putting in effort. He was super anxious about ever becoming a dad, he said that he was afraid of passing on bad genetics (which at the time I didn’t understand at all because he was tall, good looking, intelligent, financially stable) I had no clue what he meant. The way it ended was pretty horrible, we were out with someone his friends and he walked ahead of me, ignored me, acted like we weren’t together. It felt like he was embarrassed or ashamed to be with me, super passive aggressive. He was trying to get me to end the relationship (I found out later it was because he met someone else he was interested in). I knew at that point I had to let him go. I was having a hard time with it, I cried and he showed no empathy. I kept looking at him to see some kind of emotion or warmth from him. There was nothing, he just stared at the ground and was trying to force a sad face. This was right before the pandemic, I thought he would have reached out at some point to see if I was doing okay, but I never heard from him again he didn’t even care if I was alive and breathing. Went from texting everyday to dead silence nothing. He posted a bunch of happy selfies of himself on social media it was like he was celebrating. I couldn’t believe that this sweet shy guy could turn out to be so heartless and cold. He didn’t last very long with the woman he left me for but he has since met someone else and I guess she is perfect enough for him because he’s committed to her long term. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s for the best, but it was still shocking how he discards people so easily and doesn’t give af about anyone’s feelings. It felt like being with a narcissist without the emotional abuse. He was too passive to be abusive.


Flá
3:41 AM
Fri 15th Jan, 2021

I don't know why I still insist on trying to convince people about autism? I had the ability to get into serious discussions for months, using data from neuroscience and psychology to claim that autism is not just about genius and kindness. I am tired of walking in the mental blindness of others, in addition to the ASD themselves. Should therapists, friends, family and strangers be convinced about our experiences? This is a boring joke and it tired me. What the justifications did with autism was a miserable service to the world and education on the subject in an irreversible way. People are freely advocating abuse (I don't say about everyone on the spectrum), as if they are giving permission to act for narcissists or psychopaths. Are they aware of this? I doubt that people want to abandon the connected autism of iconic figures in history like Newton, Darwin, Michelangelo, Woody Allen, etc. Nobody lived with them one day to know that great intellect does not mean, proportionally, a big and deep heart. I want to work on this in my master's degree, but I realize how much I will have to face people's denialism. That's just why I feel so exhausted from these months of hell. Unfortunately, just living with an autistic person the world expands painfully. Does everyone seem to need this experience?


Mrs. Pedley
12:20 AM
Wed 13th Jan, 2021

I've been reading all morning and I'm still in January's post and its only Jan. 12, 2021! I am so glad to read that I am NOT alone in having these awful feelings about my husband of almost 3yrs. I am a very loving, generously giving,spiritual, kindhearted, thoughtful, loyal person but my husband makes me feel ugly inside and out. I along with alot of you are sad, lonely, depressed, tored and scared but have to change that by giving up on this so called marriage so that I can get back to my spiritual self. My heart is breaking with grief everyday and the resentment, anger, loneliness, and frustration is just to much for ANYONE to have to bare. Its simply unsustainable for too long before irreparable psychological damage takes a toll, which is what happened to his family nucleus of over 20 years, with children, before me suffered. I pray that there is more research done on these neurodiverse relationships to help both the ASD and NT in better understanding each other to meet each others needs. Its simply a tragedy for everyone in these relationships and the outcome of the unsuspecting children in these families are devastating mostly. There needs to be more done in understanding ASD,acceptance of this syndrome, and education on diagnosis and prognosis. I too started to think my husband was a narcissist until a year into my marriage learning about someone else with Asperger's. Unfortunately this knowledge doesn't help much with knowing how to live with it. It seems impossible for them to love us NTs about as much as it is for us to love them. We may just be incompatible and need to stick to a traditional compatible relationship of like mindedness. I believe my husband's 3rd marriage lasted for over 25 years because she was either narcissistic or also Asperger's. I am praying for healing and am grateful for everyone on this forum, including myself!


idontknow
8:31 PM
Mon 11th Jan, 2021

I think the people we all describe here in this testimonials are not the ones who necessarily portray the "high functioning autism person". As among neurotypical there are person with higher or lesser ability to be empathetic, respectful or simply kind, is the same also among HFA people. I think the type we all describe here, that a lot of time KNOWINGLY persevere abuse and they know what they are doing, are different than the typical atypical. Being rude or aloof or not picking up social cues does not equal to the plain abuse I see described here. My partner told me he has being diagnosed with HFA. He can lie, manipulate people and mask himself, he understand what people are feeling and he PURPOSELY act in a way to make them uncomfortable. He is a cheater and don't play by the rules. With some people he can be empathetic and show understanding, if you piss him off he will not even glance at you if you are bailing your eyes out, he is able to bring medicine at home to someone he want to impress, but will not give you the same attention if you are sick at home. Now, all these behavior feels like are NOT following at all the diagnosis for a high functioning autist, nor what autism community spread around. They claim they don't know how to manipulate people nor lie, that they follow rules so they don't cheat or betray, that they don't do things to hurt other people in purpose. Well I think that maybe we can say that among NTs there are good and bad people, but also among HFA there are good and bad people? I have another friend that is in the spectrum and she totally dislike my partner and doesn't understand why he act in this way and she even doubt he has HFA. I am very confused.


Truth Serum
8:07 AM
Mon 11th Jan, 2021

@MaryAnne; Like you and many others here, I also have unrequited love for my AS spouse, and I have felt that he most likely is frustrated at not being enough. Then I realized that I was kidding myself (empathy trap), because in order for him to come to that realization, he would have to have an awareness of my feelings. Therein lies the problem; he is mindblind. Regardless of what the AS is experiencing, the litmus test for our love relationship with them is their ability to meet our emotional needs, so that we reciprocate appropriately; this is the whole reason for the adult love relationship in the first place. The high cost of the NT being involved with someone who is mindblind is loss of self, which is why treating our feelings like a third person in the relationship and removing ourselves from this one-sided dynamic is not only paramount for our health and well-being, it is the antidote, and self love heals the wound.


Amber
9:08 AM
Sun 10th Jan, 2021

Response to Lina...... Don't be too hard on yourself. In previous posts I explained I live with my husband and his father who is a HFA who shows all the typical traits. Yes I have felt that I have had to come to terms with my reactions to him. I started off wanting to care for him but his lack of response & gratitude, OCD,total reliance etc etc wore me down. I became angry , said awful things, shouted in total frustration and cried but nothing made a difference, his reaction was the same to every different emotion I presented to him, he is like a selfish robot. I feel that I let myself down and have to come to terms with my behaviour. But I do know it was the frustration of not being able to change anything and that he doesn't seem to feel enough guilt to change one tiny thing that led me to my impatience. It feels like daily water torture, drip drip drip and eventually one reacts. Remember you are human with human responses unlike them!!


Melanie
12:18 PM
Sat 9th Jan, 2021

@truth serum that was one of the best things I have read. Hit the nail on the head, spot on! I will save your words to my head and heart.


ghostinashell
3:24 AM
Sat 9th Jan, 2021

As much as I find personally painful how some Aspies refuse to acknowledge and validate the suffering and abuse NT partners may endure in unbalanced and disfunctional relationships, of which the cognitive difference between NTs and Aspies is a major cause, I've also decided to avoid as much generalization as possible from now on. Some people seem to be happy with their Aspie husband or wife, so maybe it is possible for both partners to compromise in a fruitful way, at least in some cases. It wasn't in my experience, but that's just something I have to accept, I can't speak for anybody else. Regardless of how fleeting her attachment towards me may have been, I never thought that the person I loved was empty or uncapable of feeling. Just because you can't put your finger on what you feel and you can't hold onto it, it doesn't mean that there's nothing going on inside you. I also dislike 'the us vs. them' rhetoric, it's dehumanizing and divisive. It shouldn't be forgotten that their mindblindness is also our own: they can't understand us just as much as we can't understand them. That's where the tragedy lies, as I've said before, but it's up to us how we react to it, and it's up to us to choose what kind of person we want to be, whether we're Aspies or NTs. I'm not saying this in an attempt to sound pc, I couldn't care less about that. To me, switching from love to hatred is just another form of dependence, and self-love is different from pride. I'm not seeking for that kind of tribal, negative validation. What I want is to heal and move on, and in order to do that I need to achieve acceptance and understanding. That's what I wish for all of us.


Lina
10:18 PM
Fri 8th Jan, 2021

It has been a few months since the cut in communication with my ex-aspie. Or rather saying: that I was forced to "kill him" before I killed myself by being sucked into him with his selfishness and one-sided way of talking. Making someone disappear from my existence like the dead is extremely against my nature and I feel like I have no choice. I never did that and I would never do it with anyone in my life! But each day I had to learn to kill the love that remains in me through brute force, emotional violence against myself. This love is useless and becomes toxic every time I feel it in my heart... I feel that I have made very little progress to get out of our memories, from the expectations that are still preserved within me. Why do I do this if I am entirely rational about the situation and professionally trained to understand a serious disability like this? Unfortunately, hope is hard to kill and, with aspies, we have to reduce that to zero without hesitation. We cannot give hope or hope for this lost case. As @Ghostinashell wrote, the loss of war exists for both sides and there is not much to do outside of moral judgment. Although I disagree, in a way, when we started to regret their situation and how they're leading to failure in their interactions or personal difficulties. This is a dangerous trap of our extreme empathy that is of no value to them, again resulting in a one-sided process. Differently from that point of view, I don't see aspies as fragile, depressed, or so incapacitated, deserving great universal empathy or our extreme common sense. I see that many of them know when they can choose something, when they need something specific or understand the ways to obtain it. At this point, I see that they're people of high intelligence and are able to make choices, although these are only persecuted if they're in their interest. I see that there is comfort and it's simply a matter of not evolving and choosing to do so, attacking the people who are orbiting their existences so much. And all of this in a simpler way that we can imagine. My ex was not unhappy or sad about his negative situations and that is why he never went to get a diagnosis. In reality, he was confident that this was not his fault and lived well without his crises or the crises of others. He was just happy with the math, "et voilà". After realizing this, I'm trying to abandon my role as his sinner and punisher. He was always better than me - so why would I make so much effort, all the time, to bend over to understand his ways of thinking and feeling? He doesn't do any work on it. Naturally, this guilt persists and persists. I still redo many memories about the monster I was in this relationship - I screamed a lot and got out of control, I felt abusive and out of my spirit. I experienced situations of shame publicly and with the family he never wanted to consider me. I was seen as hysterical and I never had that role in anyone's life. It's just so contradictory and painful. I occupy a place that isn't mine! I have no idea how he thinks about these episodes, but when I remember myself and the way I acted, it's so painful and shameful. I saw a form of me so deplorable, dirty... I'm afraid to relate again and see myself without patience, screaming to be heard in the street or at home. But it was just inevitable: I didn't see a way that it wouldn't. I didn't know how to react anymore to be able to talk without exploding... to ask for things without having to chase or almost kill. Did you also feel like the worst version of yourself? In addition to all the pain they cause over our feelings, they also make our worst sides appear. They leave a devastating emotional chaos, with the wounds so that we have all the work to resolve. There isn't therapy that resolves so much of what has been experienced and even suffocated in the subconscious itself. I feel like I'm going to take these horrible pains and experiences with me to the coffin.


Lina
9:53 PM
Fri 8th Jan, 2021

Hello, C! Thanks for your comment! It was really useful for me. I didn't know that they could process emotional information after months. I just imagined that it could process information for a few days, like you said. After months it's really strange, for me. In the end, I think he hasn't processed anything and is completely blind? We never know if they care, if they think about or regret it and don't show it. Sending hugs for you. <3


Truth Serum
1:40 PM
Fri 8th Jan, 2021

@Ghostinashell; Real adult love is about mutual caring, kindness, and respect, and from what I am understanding in your message, this person sounds so much like my ASH, who actually created a trauma bond, instead. I had no idea what I was getting into, as I thought surely nothing horrific could come from this amazing person (at the onset). Because of the initial love bombing, it is almost impossible for us to see them for who they really are. They are unable to think like us, so the biggest trap is in thinking they do (empathy trap). The hollow inside we feel at the first mask slip is the emptiness in them that is projected onto us, which is why we feel the pain; they are not even aware of it, and we are seeing the shallowness behind the facade. The neediness we feel for them is theirs projected onto us, until we realize that what is really happening is we are abandoning ourselves by accepting their chronic disregard of us for not being able to fill their endless void. These people cannot change, no matter how much we try to "fix" things. A one-sided relationship does not need to be fixed; it needs to be ended. The only love that cures all is self love (self respect), the same love we willingly give them and instead, give it to ourselves; that is when our pain stops. We then no longer tolerate the abuse and ultimately end the relationship. I read sometime ago that feeling guilt and shame for the love/hate relationship toward one's parent is the hallmark of a son or daughter of a BPD mother or father. My ASH happens to be BPD as well as my mother, which I had no idea until I began studying at length the characteristics of this and repercussions thereof on the non-BPD person in the relationship. Anything other than caring, kindness, and respect in an adult relationship is not love. If they did not know what they were doing, they would not be able to manipulate the relationship. One thing I have noticed as I have healed is that I went from adoring this person to loathing him, as an emotionally healthy person will not tolerate abuse. Now I know I was deliberately abused for his benefit alone, and through self love/respect, I have found renewed strength for rebuilding my life.


Vicky
11:14 PM
Thu 7th Jan, 2021

@ghostinashell. I have started interacting a bit with my ex and I will always love him but the realization of the damage of being with someone without the ability for emotional connection is something I dismissed for 21 years. I completely agree with your descriptions of the impenetrable wall. I can list so many wonderful things about my ex but the one huge missing piece really ramped up my anxiety and that is why I am extremely focused on repairing myself. I myself have sent a few posts in the past and after reading them I cringed because I was obviously in a negative, insecure state when I wrote so I get you. I truly believe in time we will be even more wonderful people having had these experiences with these very unique people. I am grateful for many things that I learned about myself along this path. Maybe one day we will give love to someone that reciprocates and it will be a sweet and beautiful experience. Take care of yourself.


C
8:55 PM
Thu 7th Jan, 2021

@lina The slow processing of emotions is a thing called Alexythymia. This can be complete emotional blindness OR delayed emotional processing. I see it often and my husband takes about 3 days to emotionally process average things. 2 days when it is a major upset.


Elise
7:05 PM
Thu 7th Jan, 2021

@Edwina Thank you for your reponse. Yes I agree, it impossible to know what they care about. It is also impossible to know if they do care and just can't express it or that they just simply don't. I, too have my own bedroom and whenever I ask my husband if he is happy with the situation his reply is 'are you?'. It's almost as if he is trying to avoid answering the quesion. I liken it to trying to communicate with someone who speaks a different language except that in those situations there is usually some reciprocity of understanding the other person's difficulty in understanding. This is totally lacking in my husband and I think that this is what makes it so difficult to have any kind of close relationship with him. After my last internal metldown I wrote him an email. I did find he was more willing to take time to read it and at the moment he is trying to behave more kindly towards me. However, I know this won't last so am constantly in an alert state waiting for the nasty rebuke or full on meltdown. I never had the desire to have children but now feel that I have an unpredictable child. And then I feel guiltly for saying all this (as I suppose one might with a child). We are in full lockdown now. I wonder how long it will take before the nasty behaviour reemerges. I apologise for this very negative post. I just want you to know that I fully empathise with you and am sending you good thoughts.


Idem
4:18 PM
Thu 7th Jan, 2021

I was reading somewhere that in the relation Aspie/NT - it is beneficial for Aspies as they are permanently supported and helped to read social signs and behave properly in Society. On the other hand this relation has mainly toxic affects on NT person Firstly they have to adjust to Aspie needs secondly it is permanent loneliness and abandonment.


Miranda
10:52 AM
Thu 7th Jan, 2021

Sue, I have felt the unfeelingness of their gaze when you are explaining your very need of being affirmed with a loving intuitive understanding. They will look at you blankly, and the onus feels more than ever in those moments on you. The gaze does not shift away from you- as when conflict arises from aspies not being able to emotionally fathom or intuit like us NT's. They will stare blankly, and their eyes look empty. You will empty your heart, maybe feel some relief to finally speak the truth of your aches and pains of the relationship but nothing you say will cut through. I left my relationship over a month ago, we lived together and I became only the parts of me that he understood. So, my humour had no place in our love or connection. My empathy and compassion for people from all walks of life were not appreciated in our relationship. I became a couple of things that were apart of me, and hid every other aspect of me that confused him. I believe that yes, like Nadia, has said on this forum- it is the gestures that are missing from our partner too, not only the actions that are explicit from aspies. Now, if we have missing actions of affirmations, an intuitive connection from our partner, we must also in turn switch a light off within us - in order to survive this conquest. We self-deny, and then we seek validation, recognition a blip of life and a will to change from our partner. At the same time as we deny ourself to be happy and fulfil the many aspects of us that aren't appreciated by our aspie partners. What a confusing, disorder to live within. A relationship with an NT and aspie, is a continual conquest. They are our conquest to be heard, loved, affirmed. It's a conquest with no end. And the process of this affair de-rails your potential. Your potential to be a loving friend, a present daughter, an aware person. It will not only de-rail you. But diminish you. And that is why, toward the end of a relationship with an aspie, you feel both drained and helpless but feel enamoured by your efforts to sustain an incompatible relationship, so it is painful and feels almost impossible to leave. Anyone reading this, you are strong enough to leave. Have your own heart and the precarity of the future in your mind. Be gentle with yourself and have compassion for the parts of you who have been exhausted by this dance. Speak to yourself gently, for you are learning to hold yourself during painful moments. xxx all my love.


MaryAnne
1:19 AM
Thu 7th Jan, 2021

@ghostinashell Yes the experience of trying to connect and inevitably failing is truly heartbreaking. Loving or at least having affection for someone you cannot reach. As you say, it's a no-win situation for either party. It seems to me that the impact on the person with Aspergers in the relationship is perhaps not as damaging as they don't have the same need, or expectation of, connection? But I would say they do suffer frustration at not being 'enough' for their partner. Tragic whichever way you look at it. At age 65, am trying to come to terms with a lifetime of being in close relationships with 'Aspies', since finding out about autism 3 years ago. Knowing about it now at least makes sense of my experience, but there is a lot of trauma to heal/process/manage. My way of coping is lots and lots of self care.


Sue
11:23 AM
Wed 6th Jan, 2021

Darcey: Thanks so much for the supportive words. I am just now starting to realize that I have been fighting a losing battle in my attempts at trying to make him understand me. I have gone so far as to tell him that our relationship is in peril and will not last if he continues disregarding me and my feelings. It literally has no effect on him. He stares at me until he comes up with some cold, unfeeling comment that lets me know that I am the reason he is not warm or loving towards me. I'm relieved that I have finally figured out that he will never change. My focus in the new year is to take care of myself.


ghostinashell
10:37 AM
Wed 6th Jan, 2021

@Vicky, I was rather upset when I wrote my fist post and I regretted how I had formulated my thoughts right after clicking on 'send'. After cursorily reading many other posts, I can understand why people with Asperger's may be offended or even hurt by some of them. They feel blamed for their condition and the pain they cause without even being able to acknowledge it, most of the times. Imagine how painful it must feel when your only chance of having a relationship is preteding to be someone you're not, because you're fully aware that if you were to behave like you normally do, nobody would ever accept you. You know it's doomed, but you don't have a choice. I know they wouldn't be as empathetic towards me as I am (or as I try to be, when I can) towards them, but should that stop me from giving what I was lucky enough to be born with? Should I just look the other way and don't be bothered? The truth is that, when the blame game is over, no one wins. I am aware that I also need to protect and love myself, though. Nevertheless, I still love her, I can't pretend that's not true. She would never be able to feel how much I love her anyway, and this thought - coupled with her inability to reciprocate or share any emotion with me - is what breaks me. It's like watching someone you love behind a thick wall of glass. You desperately want to reach them, you shout and bang the wall, but they cannot hear nor see you. It's just heartbreaking, and I can't understand why something so cruel should ever happen. She wasn't as cruel as I depicted her in my previous post, not all the time. She sort of gave me a way out at various times, but because of her initial masking and misinformation about ASD on the internet, I underestimated how serious the situation was, how thick the wall was. One thing I know: I was never as happy as when I could love her. Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you found the strenght to get better, hopefully I'll also be able to seize my chance to make the change I need for myself. Take care.


KatTX
12:55 AM
Wed 6th Jan, 2021

I was lucky and realized there was something a little off about my guy real early in our new-found relationship (we met when I was in High School-40 years ago) which started 4 years ago. I was just out of a 30+ year marriage. I have a wonderful network of friends and when I described some of the oddities (stimming, delay in answering me, etc, etc. One of them said it sounds like HFA. I began to read everything I could find as I found him charming and whimsical, almost child like, which was a nice change from uptight. He had a really difficult life in the 40 years we were out of touch and I felt for him. He is undiagnosed and would not accept the diagnosis, so no point in me telling him or his family. I do make concessions and have resigned to keeping him out of my social circle, which he does not mind at all. I go on trips with my girlfriends and go visit my kids, and leave him at home. He has met all my friends and my family. The comment I get the most is that he only talks about his job. He is a truck driver and is used to being alone until I came around. He is also an alcoholic. I believe that is his way of feeling normal. He actually does talk about more personal stuff when he is inebriated. It lowers his inhibitions, like it does for everyone else. He does say embarrassing things and I do not make excuses for him, I just say he is who he is. We have couple friends that are from his work friends. It is a safe place since they already know him. It is not easy, but the one thing I have found refreshing is that he is not demanding of my time. He is content doing his own thing and letting me do mine. I do not fight or argue with him, or express displeasure because it is pointless. I may tell him something he said is mean, and 30 minutes later after processing it, he will say he is sorry or he did not want to hurt my feelings. The most frustrating thing is asking a question, and being met with silence. I usually just make up the conversation so he can hear it, changing my voice to mimic him. He usually laughs and says "I would not say that". Sometimes he will say "See, you got your answer" I know I make a lot of concessions for him, but I am happy with my Aspie Man.


Edwina Preston
8:14 PM
Tue 5th Jan, 2021

@Elise Isn't that just the worst thing of all? That if you left they wouldn't really even care. After nearly 20 years I am sleeping in my own room - my partner keeps our room in a disgusting pig sty state, but also he is so over sensitive to being woken up (insomnia) that I am barely allowed to EXIST in the bed... Anyway, tonight I said: 'Shall we sleep in the same bed tonight?' He said: 'yes, if you want to'. I said, 'Well, but do YOU want to?' Uh-oh. Apparently that was not ok, he had already said yes, which meant that he wanted to, I was splitting hairs and trying to control him blah blah. I was totally nastily berated until I stuck my fingers in my ears like a child so I didn't have to hear him. What is WRONG with him? I t was a perfectly reasonable question. All I wanted was to clarify, did I really need to be hauled over the coals?? And he totally rewrites what happened in retrospect... I mean, really? Can I continue to put up with this? By the end, I was devastated, in tears, angry, hurt, but he just holds on to his pride in his refusal to ever 'back down'. I would leave if I had the money, in spite of loving him. Except i know he wouldn't even give much of a shit beside being maybe temporarily 'sad'. I have wasted so much of my life and energy on this man. HE REFUSES to contemplate that he might be ASD but I have NO DOUBT about it


Darcey
8:50 AM
Tue 5th Jan, 2021

Sue, on Jan 2nd, For the record you don’t sound cruel at all. He described what many of us experience regularly. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s very hard to be an adult person in a relationship where you’re ignored, invisible, and if you have a need the person you’re with cannot recognize it. When you explain your need they become impatient or angry or just ignore you telling you they don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything you wrote is true and correct. Don’t feel bad about it.


Tracy
8:14 AM
Tue 5th Jan, 2021

Mandy, thank you for your testimonial. I am about to leave but feel hopeless about my future. Your message gives me hope....


Vicky
6:24 AM
Tue 5th Jan, 2021

Ghostinashell - I found your response to Joe very well said but was wondering if you noticed how you can confront others about generalizations and not your own? I was very disturbed and sad when you wrote - "I'm left with nothing concrete to cling on to or look forward to in my life". This is your anxiety and depression talking. The logical person that replied to Joe knows this is not true, this is pure emotional fixation on a relationship you wanted despite the unfairness in treatment toward you. I also suffer from anxiety and know when I feel as you stated it is being driven by my ego that is triggered by rejection. The logical part of me knows the relationship was not healthy, fulfilling or fair to me. I bent over backwards to make him happy and help him acquire every goal/want/obsession he desired and I was left behind. I chose to stay way too long and it just kept getting worse, when there is no progress or improvement it is best for us to go. Looking back I cannot regret ending it, there was no growing or nurturing ability in this relationship and accepting that has helped me move on and embrace my new life. I still have anxiety but I feel joy everyday, I no longer have to deal with the oppressive energy of that relationship. I love myself more each day because I had the strength to finally make myself a priority, I wish the same for you.


R
5:54 AM
Tue 5th Jan, 2021

@Truth Serum thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I am so happy I found this site. To anyone, as I have problems with breaking up with people is it easer or harder to break up with someone with aspergers? If that makes sense to anyone. I have mentioned it before and he was sad about it, but obviously doesn’t see why i feel that way. Am I just a “thing” to them?


Revecca
4:31 AM
Tue 5th Jan, 2021

I’m so relieved to find this site. I’ve been married for 4 years and I am constantly so desperate and depressed. The only reason I’m still here is that I can’t afford to be on my own. Hopefully that changes soon. My husband was so wonderful while we were dating. Never a single issue. As soon as we got married and moved in together, everything changed. He’s controlling, and angry all the time. He was physically abusive for a time, but then he stopped. The emotional abuse never stops, though, because it doesn’t fit into his black and white world view. I have to spell out instructions for him on every single social interaction with me, and I’m so tired. It never sticks, and he always goes back to bad behavior. I get yelled at every single day at least once for not following his rules. When I try to talk to him, he just sits there silently. When I start crying that he’s not responding to me, he always says “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say”. I realized recently after a lot of googling that this is what is wrong with him. All of your stories sound so similar to me. I wish I wasn’t so scared to leave, because I know I will never be happy until I’m out of this. I feel so much relief on the rare occasions that I see other people and spend time with them, because I remember what it’s like to have a normal conversation with someone else. I just thought he was quiet when we were dating. Now all I get is silence or rage. I don’t know if there’s any way to cope with this, but I want to know if there is.


Truth Serum
12:42 PM
Mon 4th Jan, 2021

@R: Lucky you that you are in your twenties and this relationship is but a year. Since I cannot go back in time, I hope my experience and wisdom thereof might be helpful. I grew up in a household that today would be termed narcisstic with a borderline/schizophrenic mother. There was no way I could identify those traits or implications then, I just knew I didn't fit in, and was often made the scapegoat or golden child (splitting), depending on what was going on in my parents' lives. What this did was set me up for a disastrous life ahead (I am 62). I had almost zero boundaries, and this is where I hope my message rings true. It isn't up to someone else for us to feel valued or loved; our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we will ever have, and once that unconditional love (self respect) is well rooted, we will not settle for anyone, ANYONE who will violate our trust or disrespect us, particularly on an intimate level. Once the die is cast, the blueprint forms and shapes all of our future decisions. It took me a lifetime to get this, because most of this information was not readily available, especially to a child victim of emotional abuse. Plus, one has to have the ability to internalize it. A learning tool I have come across is the meditations and affirmations found on You Tube; there are several good ones. I hope this helps, as a beautiful life is a terrible thing to waste. Love and light to you on your journey, and remember that if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't.


Ann
11:46 AM
Mon 4th Jan, 2021

It took me 46 years to realize my husband has HFD. I couldn't figure out why I was never truly happy with the marriage but always thought it was me. My father died when I was 3, my mother was depressed and emotionally absent. On the other hand, my husband came from a two parent family. I thought his idea of marriage must be right as I had never seen one growing up. He refused to tolerate " negative emotion." He shouted and walked out the door during any"unpleasantness" and came back 5 minutes later like nothing had happened, leaving me stunned. Nothing was ever resolved. I've endured his rages, depression. And tried to make his life good and now have quit trying. I've tried to discuss HFD with him but he doesn't believe he has it. He has no ability to understand other people's emotion but he thinks he does, which is a huge problem. I think I'm rambling but I just don't even know where to start. This is the first time I've put this out there and there is so much and I'm so sad.


ghostinashell
7:20 AM
Mon 4th Jan, 2021

@Joe, 28th Dec As a person that suffers from anxiety and depression and was also in an abusive relationship with an ASD partner, I can't even begin to describe how awful what you wrote is. To put it bluntly, arguing that many people with mental issues 'don't want help, they just want to take out their problems out' or that they 'refuse to try to get better' isn't just rude, is also bs. Let's not forget we're talking about suffering, shall we? While no one should use their issues as a pass to mistreat others or avoid becoming a better person, it's also true that 'normal society' is what brings about these issues in the first place. Nobody brings it onto themselves, nobody should just be fixed and don't bother the rest of us with their unwanted problems, we're not machinery. I'm sorry, this kind of argument always gets me worked up. Recognizing abuse in relationships with mentally ill/neurodiverse people and victim blaming in a sweeping generalization are two very distinct things. I understand that resentment and pain can bring to excessive conclusions - it happens to me as well - but sensible distinctions have to be made at least on a rational level, if we don't want to encourage people to superficially dismiss this kind of places as 'hate groups'. I hope you can agree with me.


ghostinashell
3:55 AM
Mon 4th Jan, 2021

The more I think and read about it, the more I believe that most aspies aren't capable of loving, if by loving one means genuinely caring about someone else. If you're totally unable to conceive another person's inner world, if you can't simulate their feelings through your own, how are you supposed to love to begin with? It's something I totally fail to grasp. All they can do is being obsessed with someone for a while and then forget about it as soon as the novelty wears out. Their idea of a relationship is purely instrumental: most of us just want to love and be loved, but once we find someone we grow fond of that particular person and their presence in our life becomes special and meaningful; to an aspie, a partner just seems to be a means to and end, that is to fit in, to reassure themselves that they are socially apt. The partner as a specific individual is utterly irrelevant. That's why you become so easily disposable, there's no attachment. To me it's not a different way of loving, it's just absence of love. Yet, this is the most difficult thing to take in for me. It's been months, and I can't get her out of my head. I've been deeply in love before, but I had never loved someone so much in my life, and realizing that I was just projecting all the time is devastating, but then again that's what she wanted, isn't it? She camouflaged, lied, hid things, played along, love-bombed me, manipulated me, just as long as the situation served her before an easier alternative turned up and she was able to discard me without a word. I kept finding excuses for her, feeling inadequate and guilty, trying to adapt and accomodate things, just because recognizing that my love was misplaced and groundless was too much to bear, and it still is to some extent. It doesn't help that this was the peak of a series of disastrous, traumatic relationships (about which she had been knowing all along, although this didn't stop her), that last year was a shambles in itself, and that I'm left with nothing concrete to cling on to or look forward to in my life. I wish I could just forget all about it, as if it never happened.


Bianca
12:56 PM
Sun 3rd Jan, 2021

My ex fiancé has Aspergers/ADHD/Clinical depression and he just went back on his meds so his a freaking walking zombie. Back and forth crap between us for several months with him not knowing if he wants a relationship but also says he doesn’t want to lose me and he loves me. ANYWAYS we had a tiff last week cause I told him how his acting is making me take it personal but then I said just contact me when you want to talk (the meds have made him a zombie and not wanna do anything (worse then his usual aspie self) ..... it’s been 4 days with no contact and I haven’t contacted him .... do aspies/depressed completely just disappear from the face of the planet for days/weeks on end without any contact? First time it’s happened, normally it’s 2 days and then I hear from him but the meds have really fried his brain?


Mandy
8:54 AM
Sun 3rd Jan, 2021

It’s nearly 2 years since I left my aspie husband . After a 32 year long relationship with this man I had the courage to leave. I’m so proud of myself. To all those wives/husbands/partners of aspies please think of yourselves for once . When you’re in a relationship with a non neurotypical person EVERYTHING is about them . Love does NOT conquer all. You will not be truely seen by your partner. Your needs will always be secondary . There is nothing more soul destroying than feeling invisible . Like other writers here I felt like I was the one holding the relationship together. I felt embarrassed out in public as he came across as surly , with cruel comments that he thought were funny. His hobbies took up so much room in our house that there was no space for me. He was unable to articulate emotions except for anger( of which he freely expressed, often over minor day to day irritations, cursing and swearing etc) When I left him there was no acknowledgement of his part in the breakdown of our marriage. Instead, he wrote nasty letters to my family saying I left because I was under the bad influence of my friends...friends who kept me sane during my marriage and beyond . Needless to say he has very few friends as most people find him odd, cranky and rude. He could also be somewhat inappropriate with younger women. When I brought this matter up for discussion on one occasion he flew into such a rage I had to lock myself in a room , fearing for my safety. The peace and tranquility I experience since leaving is beyond words. Yes, it has been extremely tough to leave but so so worth it. You all deserve so much more . Remind yourselves of your true worth and that happiness can be found within you.You are not responsible for your aspie partner’s life.


R
8:25 AM
Sun 3rd Jan, 2021

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years in March and it has not been easy especially once covid hit. We are in our twenties. In the beginning everything was magical and amazing until things started to unfold. I believe he has asbergers quite recently and now everything I have went through with him makes sense. He has a lot of the symptoms and I was starting to think he was a narcissist, but I believe it is asbergers now. He is very kind and caring, but doesn’t seem to fully understand me. One of his parents doesn’t believe he has it and that it’s just anxiety; that he can’t take other people’s problems well and it makes his anxiety worse. My boyfriend is kinda excepting the possibility that he might have it, but thinks there’s no way he can get diagnosed. He has no money and one of his parents said it could take years for a diagnosis. I have felt unheard, unloved, depressed, anxious for months, almost a whole year. We are not intimate anymore for months on my part, and now I’m realizing it’s due to not being understood. I feel no connection at all like I did in the beginning. I am attracted to him and I do find him very attractive, but he thinks I am repulsed by him. He believes I am punishing him by not having sex with him. He says he could just go back to being normal, happy in the relationship just like that and doesn’t realize why I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much, but it’s been one tough year.


Sue
2:22 PM
Sat 2nd Jan, 2021

I am so totally frustrated, resentful and lonely in dealing with my Aspie husband. We have been married for almost 12 years and I'm at the point where I treat him with little to no respect. This is not me! I am just worn down by his lack of empathy, attention or concern for me.I am tired of trying to communicate with someone who will never really understand me. I'm tired of being glared at when I am desperately trying to let him know how I feel and getting no reaction from him. I'm tired of doing for him, being taken for granted and protecting him from people who have mistreated or misunderstood him. I am tired of being the leader, the idea person in our relationship. I'm tired of managing his life, his relationships with his adult children, co-workers and anyone else that does not understand him. The hardest part for me is that he is a good person and generally liked by those that take the time to get to know him. I'm exhausted when we are around other people who sit and listen to him go on and on about things that they could care less about, but interest only him! I'm tired of feeling embarrassed when he launches into a long drawn out explanation about something that requires only a quick answer or response. I am tired of feeling as though. He makes me feel as though I am disposable because of his inability to recognize me as the devoted, loving wife that I have been for almost 12 years. I am no more special to him than the girl that cuts his hair, his facebook friends, or anyone else that listens to and validates him and his interests. I know that I sound cruel. I never used to be.I wish that I had the guts to leave, but for some reason, I still love him. I'm tired of being the heavy, the thinker, the problme solver, etc. He would do nothing if I left. He would be sad, but would move forward without trying to fix or resolve our issues because he does not know how too. Thanks for listening to me.I just needed to vent.


Truth Serum
5:26 PM
Fri 1st Jan, 2021

@Jenny....There was a song decades ago that said, "I'm not in love, your picture on the wall hides a messy stain lying there...I'm not in love! That is this creature. The love they have is equivalent to a 3 yr old's love for a doll; once the novelty wears off, the doll is replaced with another toy. It took me over a decade to learn and wrap my head around this trauma...I had never heard of such a thing as this, and especially in my situation with an adhd/asd husband. It was eight yrs before he told me he had adhd, and then all the monsters could no longer keep me confused. I read voraciously and it took even longer to objectively view the trauma and to learn and practice self care as though a lone soldier on a battlefield. Once I did, things started to turn around...For me. I began feeling my inner strength return, and soon, my emotional shield became the protector against the monster that Donald describes. Now, I not only have a plan for escape, I am actually implementing it, which is no easy task for someone in her early 60's. What helps me get through the days and nights is meditation/affirmations from You Tube star Jason Stephenson, and I've read countless books on emotional manipulation and pathological narcissism. There is nothing more intimidating to an abuser than an educated empath, for once we are emotionally detached, all the pain they cause us is suddenly mirrored back to them; we no longer take it in, and the love we give them is reserved for us, instead. The deep pain inside we feel is the invalidation of who we are as beautiful, loving human beings. The joy through this trauma though, is in coming home to ourselves, rather than seeking love from others. This is where real and lasting healing begins, and soon you won't wonder how you can live without this other person; you will wonder instead how fast can you get them out of your life.


Flá
10:38 PM
Thu 31st Dec, 2020

My mental looping doesn't leave me for months. I want to behead my head for a few days, months at least. I have not seen my foreign ex-boyfriend for almost a year, but his presence is very strong and painful even if he is absent from my real life. I feel like a slave to that person and I no longer understand what I must do to detox. Sometimes I have the impression that this relationship made me go into a drug addiction injected directly into my gut, it is so difficult and painful that it is to leave and finally, "break free". I need a rehabilitation clinic to be able to get out saved and without committing suicide in pain, because alone it is so painful. I hate him deeply for so many losses in my life! I'm having trouble recreating more and more energy to overcome this pain and it's all the fault of this damned insane person. Please, for the people who left your relationships, do you consider yourself lucky and free at last after discovering the problem? Is there life after this misfortune of suffering? Where's the end, please? I see no signs of healing! :(


KT
3:32 PM
Thu 31st Dec, 2020

@Kim. What is it that is keeping you married to your husband? I assume he doesn't work; right? Btw, my question earlier that I directed to 'Lynn' was supposed to be for you, Kim. I don't know why I put 'Lynn' instead of 'Kim' lol.


SoTired
2:07 PM
Wed 30th Dec, 2020

Me and my HFA ex have lived apart since March (after I found out he had an unprotected affair, and the woman he was with had the cancerous form of HPV and he didn't tell me) but ( I think because my brain is fried after 15 years, and I am very very messed up from all these years with him...I was once confident, social, strong and a clear thinker with great self advocacy skills) we still function together as a couple. I have made the decision to really end it but he has a lot of narcissism and violence and so leaving him is not easy as it normally gets really bad (he will always try and start relationships with single Mothers of our children friends) and reigns havoc, stupidity and insanity everywhere. It is not a normal breakup. I have been reading these testimonials for months and they are just so so helpful to alleviate the sense that you are so alone in a world that can't even be grappled with...the "No sense" of everything. Ive realised one of the most profound way we exist as social beings is that when we share our lives with someone, there's constant moments where that person reflects back our experiences with empathy, compassion, care, understanding all the blessings of true Theory of Mind. But HFA people leave you feeling bewildered, abandoned, numb. But because for so many of them they have picked people who are dynamic, creative, compassionate and empathetic to be with, often their emptiness is camouflaged. For us its a lonely nightmare, but for others looking in our partner might seem childlike, kooky, alternative and even passionate about certain things. On Christmas Eve I found out my sister had cancer all through her body and only has a week or two to live. in the last 12 years I have lost both parents also. I had to tell my HFA partner over a text as I needed to book flights to care for her (as she wanted to die at home because of covid not allowing any family to be with her in hospital) His text back said "Im getting some custard, and what else do you want for lunch tomorrow, Sory to hear about your Sister, and what about some cake, and any drinks, Im thinking of getting a lobster?".......... Even though he has been shocking at all deaths, births, birthdays, anything important, I was still shocked. I felt sick that a man I'd spent 15 years with would offer nothing to me. Not even to pretend to care. I said his response was pretty unfeeling, and he said he didnt think her dying would bother me. This is from someone who refuses to believe he has autism and believes he is the worlds most compassionate person. He has a whole persona of being the most emotional and connected person on earth. Someone earlier had a post about their partner being super dumb but always berating them. My partner is like this, I am bewildered at the combination of stupidity, confidence, abuse and chaos. If you have the chance to get away from your Autistic partner, please save yourself!!


mouse
5:28 PM
Tue 29th Dec, 2020

@Vicky. Will give the spiritual take on this issue a shot! Really good to know its possible to find peace and acceptance in a relatively short amount of time🙏


Frazzled
12:19 PM
Tue 29th Dec, 2020

Into the second year of marriage,5 years together, I’m at my wits end.My Aspie husband is really driving me crazy, I I just needed to get my emotions out and share with others that know what I’m going through, rather than trying to explain how hard it is to others that just can’t comprehend what it’s like . It’s his complete lack of understanding of what I need love affection understanding. But also listening to me and hearing some kind of response from him rather than hearing I don’t understand I don’t know what to say..... It’s his lack of thought for our future.as a couple which he can’t grasp, it’s his lack of understanding of knowing that we are not just living together we’re maried and a couple. His untidiness and lack of thought to try to be more organised. Yet the washing always gets done..l I always say to him the washing machine is his other woman. My ornaments arranged as I like them, he told me I should buy more to make the shelf look more balanced, he’s not a clue that’s how I like it. I guess I feel so mean and insensitive to say of all this when I’m so caring trying to help others,, but I’m so lost with him. I’m also firightened when he looses his temper and is rude to others when things haven’t gone his way,, I feel like I’m living on egg shells but how much do I put up with...I love this man I know he loves me in his own way... But I’m also frightened what happens to him when I just can’t do it any more... He relys on me, 2020 a rotten year for all ...,but also another year I’d like to forget... not just because of Covid. Thanks for listening,


KT
3:24 AM
Tue 29th Dec, 2020

@Lynn. Very interesting. How exactly does he abuse you, at home? What is it that's keeping you in this marriage?


Elise
7:53 PM
Mon 28th Dec, 2020

Well, here we go again. After several months of my husband gradually reverting to type I have endured being snapped at for no reason, being totally taken for granted, having to constantly fit in with what he decides to do at any given moment, and being in a constant state of severe anxiety trying to second guess what he is going to do next. His idea of hygiene is to come into the house, contaminate all the doors through to the bathroom where he then washes his hands. Covid has been an absolute nightmare with his attitude of he will deal with it if he gets it (Covid). He is in his 70's and I am in my late 60's. I have stopped caring if he gets Covid due to his own stupidity but it has an impact on me. I finally snapped this morning after him calling me stupid and his response is you are always shouting at me when I have been holding my tongue for months. He is now sitting like a sulking child and I am very sure he is only thinking of himself and not the effect his behaviour has on me. I am on antidepressant medication which I truly believe is because of this relationship. In his mind I am always the one to blame, never him so, of course his behavioiur never changes. I have truly had enough of being treated like an object he has no respect for. Other people in his life get the best of him, I get the worst. I cannot take any more of this abuse. I would have left years ago if I had been younger but now I am thinking that whatever age I am I deserve better than this. We do have the financial resources to live separately. I am now making plans for when we are vaccinated to put our house on the market and separate. I will talk to him about this later. However, I know that his response with be a shrug of the shoulders and and OK then. I apologise for the rant but I really have had enough of this abuse. It has affected my mental health to the point of contemplating suicide over the years. If I am to save myself we have to separate. I simply cannot go on feeling I am being destroyed. Thank you to anyone reading this, I appreciate the space to express myself and to be understood, which is sadly lacking in my life. With understanding to you all who are navigating a relationship which is full of self sacrifice and disappointment.


Joe
4:36 AM
Mon 28th Dec, 2020

My advice is to be careful being around people that have mental health problems or disorders. You will end up with their problems and become mentally unwell yourself by being forced to witness disturbing behavior every single day or become their punching bag. If you've lived with or have family members or spouses with disorders like ASD or mental health problems like depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. then you will share in these problems. I've found that many people with these problems are frustrated with their lives and take these issues out on the closest people to them to the point where it is abusive. You are not allowed to call this out because for some reason if someone has a disorder or mental problem they are not allowed to be criticized which makes them become entitled and many of them really don't want help, they just want to take out their problems out. Every special occasion or even every single day will be purposely ruined by them because they feel if they feel bad then so should everyone else around them. I have life experience with trying to help people with these issues and all I've learned is that you can't. If you don't like being abused or sharing in people's misery or problems then you will want to take my advice. In my opinion the person suffering from these problems has the responsibility to seek out profession help so they can function in a normal NT society and not the other way around where everyone is made miserable by them because they're miserable themselves and refuse to try to get better or at least not take out their frustrations on everyone around them.


Heinrich
11:49 AM
Sun 27th Dec, 2020

Dear Lina, you are talking about regretting. While I cannot see into the head of an HFA I can tell you about my personal experience as an NT. He told me he did regret how he treated me. Or the words he used were bad conscious. But the way I see it, he didn’t feel bad for how he treated me, he felt bad for himself instead. After month of verbal abuse and mistreatment I pointed out that it wasn’t ok how he treated me. He then said that he felt remorse. A week later he felt angry at me for pointing it out and said I wasn’t nice to him. By the way, he took me to a date we he ran with a boner through a sauna and asking me after that date if I we were a couple now. Honestly, that was the worst date in my entire life and I was really creeped out. It was just so embarrassing and disgusting.


Lina
9:29 AM
Sun 27th Dec, 2020

According to you, can aspies ever feel regret or guilt? A year ago I read a lot about autism after a failed relationship with my ex and also a lot of people / couples stories, but I am not able to answer this question. We know that aspies have blindness of mind and awareness of themselves and others is practically nil. But in some cases, after dramatic separations between some partners, I see the story that some aspies truly regret and try to do the job of recovering the partnership after realizing and accepting the diagnosis. Sometimes, only after months of breaking up. In rare cases, when this is not the mask, I must say. In many places I read that this is the fact that they have a slower processing of emotions, sometimes requiring twice the time to realize their mistakes compared to a neurotypical individual. That is, there is a processing, but different. Can anyone explain to me how this happens? Thank you very much and a big hug to everyone.


Helpless
2:46 AM
Sun 27th Dec, 2020

@Bella - Thank you so much for your words. I feel so discarded. There isn't a thing that is helping to take away the pain I am in. I am an intelligent women, I have a great life and for some reason I can't shake the overwhelming emotional state I am in. I helped him with so many things in his life, and dedicated hours to making things better for him financially and in so many ways. I am now feeling physically sick. He has a new girlfriend this week now and his text messages to me are even different in the way he texts. Passive Aggressive with his consoling way that makes him sound like a therapist. He cares but not really and has moved on. Its my road out now that he has a new girlfriend....he says. It makes perfect sense and I should be running but my heart and soul are aching from what I have been through. I pray that this goes away. I so desperately need to feel better.


Lily
1:49 AM
Sun 27th Dec, 2020

@Bianca...leave. It’s all excuses. I wasted two years and was left with anguish. I’m a lot better but it doesn’t just go away like that. If a man wants to be with you then nothing will stop him. And if a man w aspergers wants to be with you, well he might not because he adheres to unbendable rules in his brain because AS brains are wired different. The AS that I was with- I know he loved me and still does but he’s convinced I left him (after months - a year actually of waiting on the same kind of bs excuses you are). I left because I was invisible and disrespected. My weak self went back to him after ONE day but his AS brain is wired that a woman who leaves him once will leave him again so he could never get over the hangup. Please leave. If you research physical pain and rejection...the body uses the same neural pathways for the pain of rejection as physical pain...so be careful because the common theme in all the testimonials I’ve read on this site, are the themes of feeling rejected, rebuffed and invisible. I bet there are people on this site who maybe don’t even realize their physical pain is linked to their emotional state. I have to work w the AS ex until around June. Then I will leave that work place and be done w him for good.


Vicky
1:00 AM
Sat 26th Dec, 2020

Hello all that are struggling to make sense of your relationships. I really want to help all of you get to where I am after only 8 months out of a 21 year relationship with my asp. We met up the other day and it was so easy to interact with him because I clearly see who he is and he isn’t what I want in a partner. He feels like a brother to me now. I give all the credit for my transformation to various meditation and spiritual growth avenues I have been exploring. Listening to Mooji and Rupert Spira and Michael Sealey on YouTube has literally saved my life. I am able to be aware when my habits start torturing me through repetitive thoughts and I am able to disassociate and get back to my true self of peace. I wish all of you peace, kindness and compassion for yourselves.🙏🏻


Kim
11:15 AM
Fri 25th Dec, 2020

I'm sitting here in a room with my parents who are doing all of the happy festive memories with my kids. All the while my aspie husband sits there on the couch looking as awkward as usual. He sits there with his legs crisscrossed like a child would sit on a couch except he's 230lbs and 6ft tall. He looks like a man trying to look like a child all the while completely oblivious that that is not how a 33 year old man sits on his in-laws couch. He has barely looked up from his phone. He plays games on it for HOURS and hours a day. Sometimes he'll say something he thinks is funny but is just cringe worthy. My parents will try and laugh and I think it's to mostly make me feel less embarrassed. I feel so ashamed at what I married. I know that sounds absolutely awful. As a parent myself, I know the dreams I have for my daughter to find a smart, kind, and capable man to love and take care of her. I want to apologize a million times to my parents for this Forest Gump of a "man" I brought home 15 years ago. I thought I could handle it but it's so hard to sit here and take the abuse he dishes at me when at the same time he canmot function at a kindergarten level on so many things. It's so hard to bite my tongue all the time. It's so hard to say "it's okay" when he breaks everything, totals our cars, and says the most inappropriate or down right ignorant things. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for all these years =(


Bella
8:43 AM
Fri 25th Dec, 2020

@Helpless, so much of what you described happened to me. Your self esteem is shattered. It sounds like this happened recently? For me it was the end of April when I was immediately replaced with another woman also. I didn’t realize he was ASD at the time, though intuitively I knew it was him, not me, that had issues. Even so, I was a mess. I have since healed quite a bit and you will too in time. The feeling of being replaced still hurts, but then I think of the other woman, and that she is being messed up just like I was. I pray she figures it out soon and runs as fast as she can. The sense that you don’t trust your ability to judge character will improve too, though I am very gun-shy still. Hold on to your inner self perception - who you are! That will start to come to the surface again more and more. We have been kidnapped in a way. Look in the mirror. See the love and life in your beautiful eyes. It’s in there!


Flá
5:34 AM
Fri 25th Dec, 2020

The nostalgic Christmas atmosphere is the worst. I remember with great mental vivacity our trips through France and Brazil together. When I went to visit my ex's family for the first time in France and how much fun it was, magical, with so much hope for an incredible romance.. The atmosphere was passionate about Christmas in the winter! I am so sorry to still have so many false memories with a person who never existed, who was a mask at that time. How do I delete it? Impossible and cruel. And obviously, today he showed no signs of life because he doesn't really care about my existence... Merry Christmas to all of you, dear friends. I hope that your heart and mind are light to receive the Christmas atmosphere of this year so difficult for all of us. Strength for those who wish to leave their relationships and strength for those who remain in this struggle...


Helpless
12:55 AM
Fri 25th Dec, 2020

Feeling overwhelmed with anxiety that runs through my entire body. I am not able to sleep and wake up thinking of him ASD multiple times in the night. We were in a very confusing relationship/friendship, he loved me and then he didn't love me. I was attractive and then he wasn't attracted to me. He was ready to be in a relationship and then thought he would try. I would say or do something and he would break up with me. It takes two people and time to figure things out when things didn't work. I didn't get the chance. He said I was crazy and that I needed to admit it. I am not crazy but I do now have Complex PTSD from all the trauma from the emotional rollercoaster, the name calling, the yelling, the mind games. I am not sure how to move from this. I have been crying for two weeks, I feel like I am in a daze. I can barely breath at times, I can't go outside, I am afraid to even consider moving on. He has moved on to a new girlfriend. Only days after ending the so called relationship. Date sites are my enemy....they were the hugest issue....he was always looking for someone better. Crying.....I am a really great person. I am broken and my whole life feels like its upside down and confused. From now, date sites go immediately or its a hard stop deal breaker. Two people need to figure out each other. I am not used car that can be test drove until you find the corvette! There needs to be a way to snap out of this, to feel better....I need something to help take this pain away. I'm desperate to feel better. Never try and fix a person, because while I was trying to help and make things better......I destroyed myself in the mean time. I am forever changed. Oh, if I could turn back time. I feel like a vase shattered in pieces and slowing I glue the pieces together. But its not fast enough....I want my old life, my old ME....and I cant seem to get there fast enough.....and some days it terrifies me.


ViLo
8:06 AM
Thu 24th Dec, 2020

I work in mental health, considered myself to be a really good communicator, and had been is YEARS of therapy before I got into a relationship with my boyfriend of four years. As so many have said, I thought I had met the man of my dreams...until I started to feel subtly put down, controlled, anxious as hell, unable to speak up, a shadow of my former self. I found myself in a world of projections, jealousy, negativity, paranoia, no laughter, rigidity, and lack of coherence. I became reactive and looked like I had an attachment or personality disorder. I started to believe that it WAS ME, that I wasn't as healed from my past as I thought. I tried more therapy and couple's therapy, which made me feel like I was even crazier. I tried anti-depressants and those worked for awhile until I got sick with Covid. Even as sick as I was (which was REALLY sick), I felt like I was invisible and that his interests came first. I exploded again and moved out. Somewhere in there I caught on to HFA and studied and researched and tried so hard (again) to be understanding and more patient...all the negativity, the lack of, the subtle control, the feeling invisible builds until I exploded and look crazy AGAIN. Retaliation too - I always had this feeling that if I didn't go along with something he wanted, I would be punished. But it was me, right? I'm the one who is too controlling, too jealous, too paranoid. Someone wrote how everything they say about us is actually THEM. God, it's crazy making. Now I sit here alone knowing that he is a good man and that we both tried as hard as we could. He really did try so hard and that is what makes leaving so painful. I know he would do anything he could to keep me, but he can't fake feeling, hugs, cuddles, eye contact, real empathy, consistency, wisdom, laughter...all the things my soul needs to thrive. I'm going to need a lot of time to heal and process and to trust myself and my judgement again. I hope the more and more I am with neurotypicals I will find myself again and find reality. Hugs to all of you. I hear you and I believe you.


Heinrich
6:45 PM
Wed 23rd Dec, 2020

It has been a year (plus some weeks) since everything ended with the Autist I dated. At some point, I thought that I was finally over it. But I am not. I didn't meet with many men this year because of the corona, but I did find two men where things got more serious - but I always ended it at the very beginning because I am not able to start a relationship at the very moment. I am just broken inside. The good moments we had were so wonderful. Like something, I have never experienced before. And the bad moments were so horrible. He really mistreated me. How do I stop being so broken inside? I have googled how it is to be in a relationship with a psychopath. And I actually don't see any difference to how I am feeling and how a victim of a psychopath feels.


mouse
3:58 PM
Tue 22nd Dec, 2020

@PhD. I agreee, bc of their brain wiring, I also believe they don't really experience empathy in the way NT's do. Intuitively, and with fleksibility. I(NT) care how i affect other people, bc the emotional state of people arround me affects how I feel. That makes it a priority to me, to not harm people around me, or close to me, if possible, bc its not a great feeling... I don't think people with ASD get uncomfortable if people around them, or close to them aren't feeling great, bc they don't have that instant empathy.. but i do think thay have cognitive empathy. They r able to learn some rules about how to avoid harming other people. However, bc of the lack of emotional empathy, it will probably not be a natural priority to them, unless they r raised really well, or 'behaving well to others' somehow serves a purpose they find worth while... And i also believe some people with ASD work harder on making up for their shortcomings than others.. still, bc autistic (I think?) means 'being in ur own world' they will never really enter the 'emotional worlds' of others, and therefore it will be a lonely place to be their companion, while they won't see the problem, except, u, the lonely NT appears to have some problem. They just don't see it, and if u make a fuzz about it, they will find u annoying, maybe even mean... Ur not, but they r likely to see it that way. So, as I see it, no other way to stay sain around them, than to understand, there r things they just don't get. So yes, 'not doing harm' will probably not be a concept they will understand in the same way NT's with emotional empathy will understand it... Anyways, read somewhere, that the frontal lobe (empathy, impulse control, planning, personality, prioritizing and more...) is hard to differentiate from the temporal lobe (memory, hearing, taste, smell, processing visual inputs, emotional processes and more..) in individuals on the spectrum. Makes sense i think! They r simply working differently, and in my opinion, r not likely to change a lot.


Bianca
11:04 AM
Tue 22nd Dec, 2020

Hi All, I have written on here before and as usual I am still the same idiot that's staying around hoping for a change. My ex fiance aspie (diagnosed) and I have been keeping in contact/seeing each other since he ended things and doesn't want to be pressured into putting a title on us yet. We see each other a couple times a week and act like people in a relationship (don't leave the house as he doesn't like going anywhere). We were going good and it was looking promising but then he went back onto his anti depressants and his literally become a freaking shell again, always sleeping and feeling down, not be right mentally (all side effects from the medication) and its like FFS we were going good and then BAM its back to square one. I don't have any friends where I live and am quite lonely so its like I am holding onto him (because i have love for him) but because I don't want to be alone/comfort. Having Aspergers/Clinicial Depression & ADHD is hard on him but also extremely hard on me to deal with as it affects alot of the "relationship". He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but its like all his medications is making him a freaking zombie and his just gone back into his freaking shell. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!


Khey
4:10 AM
Tue 22nd Dec, 2020

@Misty "My bf who I ended the relationship with always pleads with me when he can tell I’m serious about leaving. In the beginning he can be harsh, rude, and very cold and when I don’t play into it he starts to open up and beg me to stay with him, tries to compromise and say what he will change... .... The alarming part for me is the timing because it only happens when I'm ready to leave and it seems like desperation to get me to stay. It seems like emotional manipulation" Same here. Just temporary change, same coldness at first reaction... Today I spend the day with 7 people and laughed again, and one guy took me home from work (2 hours drive) and remembered how it is to talk to a neurotipical guy, "look in the eye", laughs, answers to questions... and so on. I danced again in my bedroom, and feel kind of joy. It has been one week without contact tomorrow.( I asked him to contact me through mail, not whatsapp). @lina thank you for your words, the are rooting me with my decision and make me realise I am in the good path. This community give me so much validation and sense of evertything. I feel so grateful... Thanks.


Misty
7:54 AM
Mon 21st Dec, 2020

I want to add to my last submission and just say how happy I am to have this forum to know that I’m not alone in this or crazy and that others can relate. Aspires can go from warm and affectionate to hot and cold in a quick minute. My bf who I ended the relationship with always pleads with me when he can tell I’m serious about leaving. In the beginning he can be harsh, rude, and very cold and when I don’t play into it he starts to open up and beg me to stay with him, tries to compromise and say what he will change. After all the conversations arguments, why now?? It’s like a sick game and I’ve felt as though he sometimes got off on my frustration. The empath in me and the big heart in me feels bad and sorry that this exists, and that I cant help him, I’ve tried. I think everyone deserves to be loved how they need it and with that being said I can’t give up hope on getting reciprocity and the live I deserve from a partner. I want to be happy with someone. And like others have said I do sense jealousy from him in things that I’m passionate and good at that he cant do. It sad, why wouldn’t you want to see your partner doing well in something. I’ve often told him the things that he says about me are almost as if he’s looking at himself in the mirror and they’re all a reflection of him. When I voice my feelings and concerns he always dishes them back at me using the same verbiage, almost verbatim of what I say. The bad just outweighs the good and he’s making the break up uglier than it should be. It’s taking a lot of strength in me to get through this and get out. And to cut it off completely, I don’t want to fall for the guilt trip, I already have many times and not enough has changed. It’s not the love I desire for myself or think that I deserve and I refuse to settle.


Misty
3:51 AM
Mon 21st Dec, 2020

I've visited this site and read the testimonials periodically over the past 2 years and have found support and a lot of experiences I can relate to with my bf having aspergers. He never told me but I found out online from an old tweet. Even then I never said anything and did research and tried to educate myself on how to communicate with him and get him to be vulnerable and open up with me. I read so many sad posts and still had hope but I've tried everything and I decided to choose myself and move on. That's the sad part, I feel so bad because I can tell he has truly tried and for whatever reason, he just doesn't understand. I deserve the love I can give though. I agree with someone, it does feel like he has a checklist and just does things to get it out of the way, it doesn't seem natural. When I try to tell him about how I feel he doesn't make eye contact and plays games on his phone. Many times I've been called overly sensitive, too emotional, and an overthinker. Any time I try to talk to him about my concerns he immediately becomes critical of me. He never brings his reservations about me on his own. He says it's because he's anxious, and the only time he doesn't do that is when I'm ready to walk away. I've gotten to this point too many times, but this time I have to do what's best for me and my happiness. My last card to play was going to therapy together and he refused. Sex just feels like a routine, same with any kind of date. We always do more or less of the same thing. I pick where we eat all the time and find the things for us to do, he rarely takes initiative. A lot of times when I communicate my feelings he won't talk to me for two days because he gets upset and has to "cool off". I always hated that silent treatment, and now when I am finally over it and not paying it any mind it angered him and he has broken things and thrown my clothes. I tried to drive away today and he came to my car and knocked on the window which alarmed me and I refused to roll the window down and asked him several times to back away and leave me alone then he claimed I ran over his toe. It's just getting out of hand. After 2 years of being together and a constant struggle of getting him to open up, talk to me about his feelings so I can understand, dealt with the emotional cheating and lies, he now opens up to say he had depression and anxiety and counseling before dating me. The alarming part for me is the timing because it only happens when I'm ready to leave and it seems like desperation to get me to stay. It seems like emotional manipulation. Everything is very much routine with him and cold, I can't do it anymore. He also says no a lot to my ideas, or things I want to do. It;s not that much fun being with him.


Laurie
2:27 AM
Mon 21st Dec, 2020

This site has helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. I am still grieving and also trying to have some schema in my mind for understanding my HFA as only late in summer through counseling have I heard of HFA. I don't feel understood by a single living soul! Two weeks ago my husband's brother was in a motorcycle accident that has left him in a coma for now. The first day he went into some sort of rage at me for not taking out the right knife for butter and threw it across kitchen and made a mess in general. That evening I asked him if he needed a hug and he said no as he glared at me as if he was thinking why? So, I have lost two brothers through rather traumatic circumstances with NO support from him or his family. Knowing what I know I just stay silent and watch the swirl. He went on a drunk last night. This is after Mayo doctor begged him to stop drinking as he is compromised from another health issue. If I were to ask him how he is feeling I know the response would be how do you think I feel. He is on the live chats with family then gets off and total silence towards me. We went to look at semis yesterday and I got a tongue lashing bc I didn't want to hear in intricate detail why he picked the 2 out of the fleet above the others! Seriously! I haven't been touched in 14 years and I want to a diatribe about stuff? He very much lives in empirical world. When I used to protest or ask for any quality of life matters the first 2 years of our marriage his pat response was always oh for f#@$+ sake and I would be quickly put back on the reservation. I am a bundle of unmet needs. I have to outsource everything! I mean everything. Yet, the day of the accident I was told how messed up I am and my family as well and I should be more like his family. Saying this bc he can differentiate between what is good with his family and what was and is not so good. Alcoholic underfunctioning father. My body and mind physically hurt in this altered reality he believes to be living and nailing it!


Lina
9:17 PM
Sun 20th Dec, 2020

@khey, I'm sorry about your current situation. I know I can't offer you advice directly because I don't know your personal history, but... unfortunately your ex aspie's behavior isn't surprising amid so many other stories described on the forum about the same way of doing things. I include my "rescue"/self-indulgence/"abandonment" story. And I think you already know your answer and the future of the situation from the way you wrote your looping story with that person. Simply you, your mind and body are fed up with so many promises that aren't kept and that do not guarantee a real partner at your side, as you wish. Trust in him has ended and I know it is difficult to assume this for yourself with a heart hopeful for new promises. After a while, these consecutive failures rot everything in our life, contaminating our entire existence to very deep levels that are almost irreversible. Unlike them and the "bonds" they create with people, we all look for guarantees, validations, compatibility with people who are close to us. We have the concept of intimacy! He isn't even able to understand what all these concepts are. He is not even able to understand why he is modifying or promising this to you. He can not. And I'm sorry to say, but he will rarely understand all of that. Or rather, he can understand, but entirely on a cognitive level, never further or deeper. It's like asking you to turn off your empathy and not be more affective to survive a relationship - are you able? It's simply against your nature and your lifetime resources. Your mind doesn't process this simply because you aren't able to change your mental configuration with the power of choice. I cannot suggest that you abandon everything because I also didn't want to abandon it for a long time. But I suggest you see the facts very clearly because they are usually for life. The situation is practically unchanging with them... sometimes, with less effort from the mask, things will get worse and can make you even more of a prisoner in a lonely and rock-hard future. The disturbance is there and forever will be. What do you want for your life with a partner? Read the testimonials of this forum and walk towards the best FOR YOU. One foot in front of the other, with tolerance for yourself, total love for you and facing a long mourning. It's the life lesson that will make you even more loving and prepared for someone who will be reciprocal and equally loving to you. You deserve better than a prison and life as a coach/caregiver/teacher/mother for a boyfriend/son. Sending hugs to you! <3


Bridgette Elizabeth
5:02 AM
Sun 20th Dec, 2020

I just asked him, because I didn't want to deny my anger and then rage inside, "why do you dismiss something good that happened because of something I've done and give credit to something or someone else?" I continued, "what motivates you to do that?" This is a regular occurrence and it's really getting on my nerves. I don't want a party or pat on the back but to flat out deny it was a result of my doing this or that I just don't understand. It's like I'm living with someone who is a jealous peer not a person who is supposed to love me. He was trying to make an excuse of why it happened in this particular situation and I just responded that this happens often. I bet you all can guess his final response? Leaving the room. I shall not let this ruin the rest of my day. Merry Christmas to you all!


khey
3:37 AM
Sun 20th Dec, 2020

I wrote two months ago, after breaking up in october.. but it came to my parents place to promise me change - in communication, affection and intimacy - and kind of show up as a "normal person", which made me doubt about what I had seen the 2 years I spent with him. He kissed me, talked to me looking in the eye, and have sex with connection (just once). I got very very confused and gave a second opportunity to the relationship. After one week with him again, everything started again being as always, but with him trying to fulfill my needs in a way that only makes me cry. I feel like he has a checklist to do it everyday. - No communication (he asks "how are you" while looking to his youtube videos) -> he thinks this is what I need. - No affection (he gives me hugs and after 3 seconds he says in aloud voice "done" - No intimacy (he kisses me in the mouth Sticking out the tongue for one second)There is no feeling in this way of kissing. - No connection When I tried to explain about how I feel, he always says I'm over sensitive, he says "shhhhhhh" while I'm talking upset, or crying (if I show emotion of any kind)... and blames me for the lack of sex, and communication: "everything affects you sooo much" "You have such a mood swings"... "your vibration is very high and disturbs me.."Everything was my fault again. I started feeling again that there is a black cloud above my head everytime I arrived home, and falling in a deep black hole. I decided to definitively leave the house last week, I'm at my parents and found a new place for me. He promised again to have sex everyday, communication and affection, socialising (never happened in 2 years) and I dont trust anymore what he says. I read about rol playing and I think that is what he did to get me back in the relationship. It hurts, but I need to be strong not to fall again. Thank you for the support.


Kori
6:31 PM
Sat 19th Dec, 2020

Does anyone have an aspie husband who makes you cringe with everything they do? Like despite that they are seriously abusive, they are also dumb as rocks?? I swear to goodness we will never have a social life because of HIM! I hear about the stuff he says to people at work and I'm like "You REALLY said that to that person?!?". No wonder you have zero friends. He just doesn't understand basic, and I mean super basic common knowledge. Here I am taking an incredible amount of verbal abuse and he can't mentally process or hold knowledge that a basic 10 year old can. It's like I want to say "Who the hell do you think you are trying to call ME OUT on everything under the sun, and calling ME names when you can't even make a single friend or hold a conversation without saying something insulting or just down right creepy and weird?!" I want a life. I want a big social network. I want to have friends and family over but he is just so embarrassing and so hard to relate to. People only talk to me now. If we actually do get invited to something, it's usually just me who gets invited. I hate to be the one to say this but, how can a person be so damn confident in their abuse yet so, so damn dumb? How in the work can he not change?! You can teach a toddler to do some of the things he struggles with. I will never forgive myself for this lige5 I chose for myself.


Vicky
10:58 AM
Sat 19th Dec, 2020

Hi, this is the first time I have ever written on here but I have been reading the comments for many months. I instigated separation with my husband approx 7 months ago. We have 2 children , aged 6 and 8. I realised my husband had Aspergers about 6 months after my eldest was diagnosed with ASD. It was an unbelievable lightbulb moment and explained so much. I have lost a lot of confidence from the person I used to be and am slowly working my way back. I didn’t want my marriage to end but saw no other resolution. I am far from perfect and know that I was difficult for him to live with - I’m always late for things , fly by the seat of my pants and love socialising with friends. So how did I find myself in a 10 year relationship with someone who absolutely needs routine and order and who generally hates socialising ? Yet this is where I found myself. I have been on the end of verbal abuse for most of the relationship and have been called many many names. I have been ignored and blamed for most of the problems. I knew it was damaging me but worse still I knew I couldn’t let my kids think this was ok and knew it would shape their future choices of relationships. So I made the call and he was gone very quickly. He shows no sadness, no regret, no desire to reconcile/seek help from therapy. He doesn’t seem to miss us much at all and sees the kids just once a week. It hurts , it hurts a lot even though my rational brain knows it’s absolutely the right thing. I feel broken, sad and very tired. It’s amicable and ok between us. We will spend Xmas morning together with the kids and have managed birthdays and school events without drama. For the kids it is managed well but I find continuing a relationship different. He is funny and interesting and we have an ease with each other/the comfort you get from a long term relationship of knowing someone so well. But overall I know he is not good for me. I will keep reading these posts and keep reminding myself that I am on the right path and that things will get better with time - even though most of the time it feels just plain hard.


PhD
1:52 AM
Sat 19th Dec, 2020

@Mouse - You said : "They r roleplaying 'normal'. They had to do that their whole lifes, to appear 'normal', most times, probably not to harm other people". They are masking ("roleplaying "normal") in order to fit in, get what they want and not to get hurt. Not harming other people is a concept that is completely alien to them, something that does not exist in the autistic universe they live in. Not harming other people relates to empathy of which they are incapable of due to pathology in their brains.


mouse
3:10 AM
Thu 17th Dec, 2020

@Jenny. Yes, it sounds like a reaction to trauma. It will take time, but it can get better. Keep searching for knowledge about autism, and how it affects behaviour, and how that behaviour affects u. U r in love with a person that doesn't really exist. It is a very mind baffling thing to experience and process. But it is possible. I have no idea who the person i spend years with 'really' is? And neither does he, probably? I will never know, and it took years, but i no longer need to know how he 'really' felt about me, or why he didden't want to be close to me, or even talk to me that much, after the first couple of months.... He would keep putting on he's 'social' act though, when people came to our house, and then go straight back to distant when they left. I think he's simply having a fixed idea about how he's life should work out, and i was simply asking to many questions, and demanding more than he felt comfortably giving. Cause intimate talk etc. actually isn't pleasurable to him(!). So, feeling like the least interesting person ind the world, to the person who r supposed to love u, and probably says so to(??), is simply very painful, and confusing, and will make ur selfesteem hit rock bottom. U r worthy of respect and attention, he just can't give it to u. Its important to realise that. He's not capable of doing that. So yes, I also really hated myself, couldn't eat, drank to much (cause it made me feel 'normal'... not the day after though...!), made very bad decisions, and actually ended up in hospital for a couple of days, cause i forgot how to take care of my own basic needs...i felt that unimportant to myself(!). Its a struggle to get better...but its worth it. I think of the emotional reaction a little bit like this: If somebody told u of, forgot ur birthday, gave u a bill, or someone yelled at u in the street etc. u feel bad for a while, maybe an hour, maybe a day,maybe two, but then u shake it off, and move on. U got yelled at, belittled, and abused for years, its gonna take longer to shake off. But the more u understand what happened, that he is simply not able to do the normal things people do to make their loved ones feel important and loved, it will get easier to let him go. And u will have to grieve something that wasn't real. They r really good at representing like perfect people, thats why its so tempting to go back, its simply hard to understand they r not what they seem to be. They r roleplaying 'normal'. They had to do that their whole lifes, to appear 'normal', most times, probably not to harm other people. But they will do it to get what they need/want, because being autistic, means not really being above ur own needs..and that need might be, to appear to be the best person in the world.. in my experience.. so, u will have to learn all the basic ways to treat ur self well again, cause he probably made u think that was not important (the way he behaved around u..), and that voice might still be inside ur head somewhere... I had to learn to speak nicely to myself again, with understanding, tolerance, patience, and other things that makes living a lot more endurable...and yes,just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eat! There is always hope, even when u can't see it.


Red
1:47 AM
Thu 17th Dec, 2020

It is great that there is a site for US! I love that there is a diagnosis of an even more horrific form of PTSD - because that is exactly how life is with my aspie. He has mocked me, my words, my inflection, my accent, my pronunciation, gestures, etc.. anything to deflect the attention from him and his behavior and blame it all on me. I knew it was not me : ) all along, I am a strong women. I thought he was a narcissist or had a mental illness, it mirrors so many things. But autism fits. Even though they would call him high functioning, he is little more than a collection of abusive blaming memes to me the past 10 years. It took me 20 years to figure out that he was emotionally stunted at about age 2. I felt horrified when I finally realized that nothing he has said for 20 years had made sense, yet I continued to try to make sense of it! Reading this site and what the other spouses said was like coming home. I felt my old self rush back, all my charisma and magnetism. All my old social abilities are still there! Everything he said about me was a lie - he was puking onto me the things he hated about his own self. Every time he tried to emotionally batter me, he was battering his own demons. It had NOTHING to do with me! Such freedom : D in those true words; nothing has ever rung so true.


Donald
9:16 PM
Wed 16th Dec, 2020

@Jenny, one day people will look to - You, for advice. You are the brave and strong one right now. Do you know that? You have got out of the hell. Please don’t return to it. You are stronger than so many of us. Believe that. In the next six months, it will be me, coming to you for advice when I leave my autistic wife. I am so scared of that moment, but it is inevitable, the time is going to come. Her daily neglect/abuse is not taking the same toll on me as it did before. This site is helping me so much. I have been reading the testimonials for well over one year now. When I am feeling at my worst, I read all your words here, so many people, so many heartbreaking stories. To know that I am not alone, is like a warm blanket wrapped around me. One day she can be a little nice, the next, like today, the silent treatment is here again. And I have no idea why. It hurts when you love that person (my wife) so much. I will never get used to it or accept it, I want so much more that this from a relationship. I have stopped having my ‘talks’ with her. To help her/us. Almost one and a half years of talking has done no good. I gave up last month. And they would usually end in her saying she wants a divorce anyway. They can’t and won’t change. Most likely, it will just get worse as time passes. The cognitive dissonance, for me is incredibly difficult and confusing. I love her so much/I hate her so much. They are such real feelings. And they are the opposite of eachother. @Jenny, it might help for you to focus on the bad times you had, rather than the good times. When you think about him, think about the heartache you suffered while being with him.


Lina
12:27 PM
Wed 16th Dec, 2020

@Jenny, I know your intimate would love the photos to be for love. But they are probably not and represent other causes ... like his attachment to objects, contempt for changes. My ex didn't delete our photos either, but he just doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't know anything about me. What can I do? Nothing. I'm sorry like you every day and I know what it's like to live this sick hell in your head. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. Sometimes I want to hit my head hard on the wall so that I can be at peace for a moment.. But I know it would hurt again. I understand your pain, I'm on the same path as you. The only advice I can give you is what I do with myself and what @Donald also said. Observe the context, observe your release from an immensely dramatic future. Read all the testimonials of this site built by so much pain and disappointment. A marriage with him would kill you out of loneliness and madness, denial of what you are all about. The only nice things about him probably disappeared entirely. And there, again, you would be abandoned and alone. With only a few years to live, you can avoid the path of that dark future. I am also looking forward and healthy. It exists, believe me! Don't look at his things anymore because it will hurt you deeply. Be good to yourself, please.🌸


Donald
10:21 AM
Wed 16th Dec, 2020

@Jenny, if he is autistic, his love for you probably won’t be the same as your love for him. It is sad I know, and heartbreaking. I don’t have much advice sorry. I find that reading the testimonials really helps. Look at the bigger picture, not just today or tomorrow. But imagine how your life could improve now, new possibilities. Find someone to talk to. It was not your fault. Stay strong. If he still has a picture on the wall of you, I don’t think it will necessarily mean that he still loves you. His attachment to people will be a lot different to yours. Try and think of it like he has the emotional brain of a child. That is very different to the way you see and feel. Just put one foot in front or the other, and keep going. That is what you must do.


Vicky
9:43 AM
Wed 16th Dec, 2020

Jenny - you don’t say how long since the break up?? You checking on him on YouTube is something that will prevent you from detoxing and staying focused on finding yourself again. You sound like all of us right before we go back and start all over again and immediately the same things occur and we wonder why we returned. I know your frustration, confusion, hurt and ruminating but all of this is keeping you from grieving and eventually finding yourself again. When I waver on wanting to reach out to him, I write down all of the reasons why I needed to go. Neglect, no initiative on intimacy, little to no communication, no growth or nurturing as a couple, no help around the house, always working, no shared couple activities. The biggest single issue that made it final for me is he only gets worse as he ages and I could not imagine it getting worse. I would have died from an illness if I stayed, the physical symptoms I had were getting worse as each year ticked by. I know it is hard and I hope you find your way.


Donald
4:50 AM
Wed 16th Dec, 2020

@Alex, Thank you for your words. You sound like you have been through a lot with your relationship. I hope you will get to a place of peace and happiness inside you. Being with an autistic person, in a serious relationship. Many of us know how difficult it is to get away and move on. @Alex, you wrote a couple of things, quite important I think. "How can I love someone who treats me like a piece of wood? Just managing strange emotions I feel when I have to meet her for work. She really feels nothing for me. Total coldness and indifference. She asks me how I am in a total impersonal way. It's a mechanical act - no real interest in how I am". You also wrote "My friends told me to just block her and leave. But it was not possible for me to do that at the time, I know it sounds strange. It felt like my soul would break if I did that". These words are 100% true for me as well. There is nothing strange, this is reality for us NT people who end up with autistic people. We live in a reality that is - not reality. A mechanical act. I get asked the same four questions every day, in a totally mechanical way, with no real interest, and definitely no follow up questions. How are you, how was work, did you sleep well, and are you tired. For nearly three years, those are my standard mechanical impersonal questions. I have tried to talk to her and help her so many times with her social skills, but how do you help someone who has no interest in improving, or showing a bit more loving care. @HowdidInotseeit - I really hope you will be ok. You wrote something that is quite sad, but is the reality of being with an autistic person. I hope people read this and take it seriously, before getting married to an autistic. You wrote "To look back over 17 years and only have a handful of happy memories thanks to my own accomplishments says it all". I only have experience with one autistic person, so I don't know everything. I know everyone is different. But I read about people saying how intelligent they are. Is that true? Not in my experience. A total lack of common sense I find with her, in our relationship. One thing that disturbs me, is that I read people asking over and over. Can they change? Will it get better? Let's be clear - no, they can't and don't change. Their brains are wired that way. Please accept that. The way your relationship is now, is the way it will probably be in the future. No matter how many 'talks' you have with them, in a loving and caring way ofcourse, no matter how much you try and 'help them', they can not change. Any change you do see will be either very small, or just short term (days, maybe weeks). If you are still in the first two years of a relationship with an autistic person, then you have probably not seen the 'real person' yet. I am not saying to leave, I would never tell a person what to do. I would just encourage you to be very careful how deep, and how fast you move with your relationship. I think I read these words on this website somewhere "when you are in a relationship with an aspergers person, you have to really lower your expectations". I think you have to lower them so much, that sometimes it is like having no relationship at all. Ask yourself - Is that the kind of long term relationship I really want? Some people write in asking how do I know it it is aspergers/autism? Over time, you will just know. Look at the signs. Love bombing, eye contact (too intense, or lack of), natural back and forth in a conversation, lack of questions/interest in you, one dimensional, robotic, highly sensitive to any criticism, meltdowns (a childlike state), does not have many friends, very poor/no foreplay in the bedroom, sensory conditions (sound, smell, touch), poor social skills, has one special interest, prefers to be alone much of the time, does not talk about the past/future very much, arrogant, extreme selfishness, extreme self centredness, low empathy, controlling, passive aggressive behaviour, does not get attached to people/things, hurtful comments, workaholic, lack of intimacy, neglect, narcissism. These are just some of the things I can think of. When you live with an autistic person, it is like living with two people. The person you love, and a monster (To me, the monster is the narcissist in her. Defiant, no empathy, extremely oppositional, cold, unloving and uncaring). But they both live inside the person you love. To live with the person you love, you have to accept the monster as well. Can I do it? I battle with this question every hour of my life now. I love my wife so so much, it is like an addiction, I am very sorry to say. I just want the monster to go away, but I know it never will, and I would still be left with a neglectful, unhappy and totally unfulfilling relationship. I will take one day at a time. My plan is to distance myself emotionally, a little bit more. So the daily hurt is not so severe. How do we get so addicted to these people? Why? I have had relationships in the past, and I could walk away when it was necessary, but it is so much more difficult now. I should, but like @Alex said - my soul would break.


Jenny
9:13 PM
Tue 15th Dec, 2020

So following on from my last testimonial, I’ve left him and the abuse has really left an imprint on my perception of myself and life in general. Has anyone else that’s had an abusive autistic ex been struggling with what I have? I can’t eat, I can’t think, I hate myself, everyone feels like an enemy. I am acting so impulsively too, I’m unbelievably depressed and I blame myself entirely for what had been happening. I don’t know whether it was just because I’m an awful person to be around that he acted in those ways or if I was just misunderstanding his autism. Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. I saw he had posted some more YouTube videos of his guitar playing (one of his other obsessions other thank myself) and he had posted two songs on my birthday with names such as “heaven in her arms” etc. He also has not taken down my paintings or pictures of us on his walls that I could see in the video. Perhaps he did love me? Maybe he even misses me? Or perhaps he just hasn’t been bothered to take them down and can keep them as they mean nothing to him? I’m so confused. My sense of self has completely diminished, I have no idea who I am or what I want. Please any advice!


Flá
5:30 AM
Tue 15th Dec, 2020

I feel deeply depressed and nostalgic. I write many times for this forum and read as many horrible stories as mine. I am so sad for us that we love so much. He and I ended our two-year "relationship" a few months ago (7 months), but this toxic taste just doesn't get out of my mouth and stomach. I must fight my ego every day to accept an imposed situation of pathology and madness upon me, without my permission. I was not warned about anything and I was not prepared for it. I must feel offended at the same time as I must understand that everything will always be this way with this person. There is no way out. There is no mindset that supports this constant daily cognitive dissonance, without understanding and good sense of spirit. I feel that I owe energy to my life for having to dedicate excessive attention to this healing process to feel slightly better. My plans for existence, future and desires were simply undermined, exhausted by that person. I was not prepared to start from scratch and I never imagined in life to be abandoned in another country, where I was lonely and completely fragile by the unusual pandemic (simply to be exchanged for a doctorate in mathematics). It was all so traumatic that the scenes constantly replay in me with a horrible taste of bitterness. I have no desire for anything, although I make a huge effort with myself. When I feel like I'm being patient, understanding what the whole process was about, just the anger returns because I wish he could see me. The painful fact of this whole story is not the end, but the abandonment of the way it was... invisibility as the only final acknowledgment of all this tragedy that he once called "relationship". I hate him for not even trying to make the efforts that some aspies are able to make with minimal awareness. That idiot doesn't even see that. He knows extensively about mathematics and the theory of the two infinities, but ironically, he knows nothing about the thousands of infinite pains that a person can also feel from receiving immense emotional aggression. He doesn't know about me and he will never make a move towards me. How can I continue with all the support (friends, therapy and family) if I do not progress at all? I want the mental freedom I had before, I want to be able to feel positive things.. but my brain is always programmed for this damn looping hell, deceived by a mask I loved so much! How many more times should I repeat to myself that this person never existed and that he doesn't remember me anymore?


Alex
9:54 PM
Sun 13th Dec, 2020

It’s really shocking when you face zero empathy. I think we are not prepared to really process it. There is something inside that keeps telling oneself that it can’t be completely true. How can someone who is supposed to love you, watch your pain and remain completely cold and be cruel? I’m really sorry @Donald to hear about your suffering. In my case the biggest one (but of course there were many others) was when my mother died. I was expecting some hugs and nice sweet words. All I got was being yelled because my emotional state was spoiling a special interest event. And being mocked, she was laughing at me, every word I said. Then silent treatment and disappearing. But then one day, from nothing, she was sweet and nice again. My friends told me just to block her and leave. But it was not possible for me to do that at that time, I know it sounds strange. It felt like my soul would break if I did that. And I knew I had to get out from there, it was just not possible for me to do that. Some people couldn’t understand it, so I stopped talking to them about my situation. Of course in my case was easier because then was her to leave me, now I realize she couldn’t manage me constantly trying to talk to her and telling how her behaviour was not acceptable for me. What really has been helping me is to read about trauma bonding, so I can understand what happened to me, and not blame me too much about the “not leaving before” issue. Is not that simple. There are many online resources, also read the book “The human magnet syndrome”, it helped me to understand the wicked co-depency/narcissism game. And found a great therapist used to work with bonds and trauma. And I must say that with time everything is gets much much better. So let's stay strong and take care of ourselves step by step.


Donald
10:20 AM
Sun 13th Dec, 2020

@Alex, thanks for your words. That was very much appreciated. My first step is to get myself emotionally stronger again. And I can start by changing my thinking, so hopefully I can get to a point where I don’t need her validation every day. Some days she can be so nice, but I know now, that the niceness is paper thin. Underneath that, I can only describe as something like a psychopath. And the slightest thing can make her change from being nice to being so cold and heartless. If you hear the words “no empathy”, to truly understand what that means, you have to see it in a person, you have to experience it. That is the only way to understand how inhuman it is. The first time I experienced it, I was in shock and disbelief and confusion. The woman I loved, the woman I married. One night, she started saying very cruel and hurtful things to me. It carried on for a few hours, it was not provoked or anything. We were on holiday at the time, and I got the feeling she was trying to hurt me every day of that holiday. I don’t know why. But she just seemed to get some strange satisfaction from trying to hurt me emotionally. So that night, it took its toll on me, and yes, I broke down. After days of abuse, it caught up with me. I tried to run away that night, but she caught me. And physically pulled me back to where we were staying, but I was quite broken with all the abuse, that I collapsed on the ground outside. While I was lying on the ground in absolute emotional pain. She looked at me and just started singing to herself. I could see the satisfaction in her face. She did not try and hide it. She had finally broke me, I was on the ground. I did not see a human that night, I saw a monster. And that night will haunt me for the rest of my life. She did not try and help me, she just got enjoyment from watching me suffer. Why did I not leave her that night? I was going to. But by the time we got home, she was so nice, and I just thought it was a one off. But since then, I have seen that - no empathy in her, many times. I am just more numb to it now. But it still hurts. I will not be the only person with a story like this. We all suffer, while being in a relationship with a Asperger. If there is anyone out there who is wondering, will I marry him/her, knowing or even suspecting they may have Autism, or high levels of narcissism. The pain you will go through during that marriage can not be ignored or underestimated. If you are with someone with low levels of empathy, if they can not feel for you when you are in pain. If they can not comfort you when you need them to. Just don’t do it. But the way to see their levels of empathy, is when they have been hurt/slighted, if they are angry with you. Pay close attention to how they treat you, and how well they get on at managing any conflict between you two. And how quickly problems are solved. Sorry for going on and on. Just be careful if you end up with an autistic person. But I maybe I am being unfair on autistic people, I am sure they are not all like that. Everyone is different. Just think, how would it feel to be married to someone, who has the emotional capabilities of a five year old. Because that is a very real possibility. Stay strong everyone.


Lina
7:59 PM
Sat 12th Dec, 2020

Does anyone have experience blocking an ex aspie's contact and he shows up in other places to talk as if nothing has happened? Why do they return to our lives after months after not realizing our existence?!


Chrissy
10:08 AM
Sat 12th Dec, 2020

Hi everyone, I wrote on here a few months about my ex boyfriend. Umm, I'm finding things really hard right now. I'll try and keep it as brief as I can. We broke up in May because he decided to ghost me, I then checked his instagram, which is an account for his two dogs and he was following Camgirls, teenage ones who were 19, but looked around 15-17. My ex is 49, and very attractive, I'm pretty sure he uses fillers and botox too,I confronted him about the teenage camgirls back in June and he called me a spy, and he unfollowed them. We started getting close again in September after he started messaging me advice on art, and showing me my artwork hanging up in his house (we were long distance).I noticed he was always liking pictures of a young girl on Instagram who wasn't a cam girl, but early twenties, I gave him the benefit of a doubt, and well, he started popping heart emojis on her pics. When I'd send him saucy pics he'd just give me a thumbs up emoji, which left me feeling rejected every time. On Monday I had a look who he was following on instagram, and he was following the teenage cam girl from back in June again, so I looked at her account and the account was only 5 days old, so he'd been following her onlyfans and cam girl site the whole time he was trying to get back with me for this info. So I checked her site out, and one of the main contributors is someone with his dog's name. In anger and upset I screenshot her site pics, and tweeted on twitter that my ex was looking at these things and their ages, I then send him the replies of people being disgusted. He has blocked me now, but the whole year and a half of gaslighting, no emotional connection, and everything has led me to acting like a crazed woman, and I hate it. I study psychology, and I feel like I should know better, but I feel hurt. He never made love to me either, he could never manage it. I'm 13 years younger than him, and attractive, but I've never felt so old and ugly in my life. I'm so sorry for this, there's so much more I could add. I was a happy go lucky woman before I met him, but I've been left feeling insecure and broken :( I did love him so much.


HowdidInotseeit
12:43 AM
Fri 11th Dec, 2020

@Donald, your experience is so close to my own in the way you expressed feelings I feel each and every day. The fear of being alone had me ignoring all the flags over the years, funny how they're so glaring now in my memories. I thought his personal growth was possible before we married, then later found out about aspergers. I've only recently detached enough to really see and admit I got myself into this hell, but more importantly true, no one will save me but myself(terrifying). This past week I've realized there will be no change with or from him, the change he thinks he makes has never been nearly enough. I will be the one to make the hard decision to go. As soon as financially capable I'm going. I never thought I'd say that, I never actually considered divorce as an option before this year. I've lost my youth (20s) and will not surrender the rest of my life to hopeless despair. Before we got married I told him I wanted children one day, thinking we were on the same page. We wanted a house before kids, got the house, no kids. God is good. I am SO relieved I waited, the one time I heard and listened to my gut. Especially after spending so much of my time and energy giving him every possible opportunity to resolve something, ANYTHING, yet still nothing. He will undoubtedly wonder what happened when I leave, but that is not my problem when I've been telling and attempting to explain things the whole time. We, empaths, need to take care of ourselves, we deserve hope, love and happiness. I realized that the milestones with my husband held no joyous memories, only disappointment with no recourse. I'm realistic as far as never expecting or even desiring perfection, but to look back over 17 years and only have a handful of happy memories thanks to my own accomplishments, says it all. Time has told me, I cannot. I've suffered multiple ego deaths(I'm better for it, but still painful)and lost count of how many grief cycles I've been through already thanks to betrayal/masking/lies/realization of what my life has become. I've allowed myself to accept less than my worth for way too long. I deserve more than that, as I'm sure most people here deserve to be treated much better in this life. I pray for courage, strength, discernment and healing for all.


Bianca
6:42 AM
Thu 10th Dec, 2020

@Bella he say's he doesn't know what he wants at the moment but that he doesn't want to lose me and that he still loves me. So it's like I am holding out some hope that yes he can figure out his shit. He says due to Uni and the stress that comes with it, he can't think about what he wants at the moment which is true, people with Aspergers & ADHD (he has both) find it hard to focus on more than one thing so I am hoping that over summer he can spare some time. I have started therapy with a regular therapist and one who deals with Aspergers so fingers crossed that will help me! Its such a hard thing to just walk away its horrible cause theres just that little bit of hope and the whole break up and how sudden it was just wreaked havoc on my self esteem!


Alex
2:57 PM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

@Donald, mate, is not easy to accept that you are being mistreated by the one you love with all your heart. But loving her more will not make any difference and will keep further destroying your soul. I know is more easy to say than do, but don't be afraid of leaving this hell because the emptiness and loneliness you fear is what you already have now with her. Without her, the broken heart will slowly heal, and you will find peace again, and space, and friends, and joy and eventually real intimacy and love.


Bella
1:01 PM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

Bianca, you are so sweet and giving and patient! But if he truly wanted to make a future with you as his partner, nothing would stop him. His excuse is University now. What next? New job? People do what they want to do. Flip the situation - if you were the one in University, would you be putting him off? Being all wishy-washy? You deserve someone who would be excited to have a future with you!


Donald
8:48 AM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

Hello everyone. I have read so many heartbreaking stories here. And I feel for everyone, with their pain and hurt and frustration and anger I am a 44 year old male, and an empath. I met her at a very vulnerable time in my life, where I needed a friend, and someone to love. Very quickly, the love bombing was well under way. But at the time, I simply had no idea anything way wrong with that. She treated me like the most special and amazing man in the world. It was a dream for me. But thinking back, there were red flags, as we all know now. I married her 8 month after I met her. Everything was going so well. But it was a little different for me, I never lived with her at that point. We only saw eachother every week. One year after we met, things turned bad. She started making hurtful and inconsiderate comments. And she was incapable of empathy or compassion. So our conflicts never got handled in a loving and healthy way. Basically, I was left in pain most days. Waking up with an emotional hangover each day. That is when the trauma bonding began. And the intermittent reinforcement started. One day she would tell me how amazing and special I am, and she loves me so much. The next day, she would tell me she wants a divorce and other cruel things. It is such a painful existence living with a aspie, autistic. So painful. So painful. You give them your love, your heart, your whole life. And to them that is meaningless. As long as she has her special interest (mobile phone) she does not care about me. Some days she can be nice and try. But these days are becoming less and less. We have been married almost two years. And have lived together for one year. She changed about one and a half years into the relationship. The act, the mask started to come down. The hurtful words started more and more. The passives aggressive behaviour. The silent treatment was every few days, even though I have explained over and over how much that hurts. I have been studying narcissism and autism for over a year. I would encourage you to do the same. I read that the narcissism is a defence mechanism they use, because at a very young age, they knew that they were different. And they needed the narcissism as a defence. Learn as much as you can, but I bet you already have. I feel for you all, it is horrible. The trauma bonding keeps you there a lot of the time. It has for me. I am so lucky that we don’t have children. I told her we needed to wait, to make sure we can live happily together. Thank God I did that. I read a post a few weeks ago, it said “God forbid you ever have a child with one of these monsters “. I think there is truth in that. I think she only really wanted me, and kept the mask very firmly in place, because she wanted a child. As time has passed and the possible of a child is less for her. She has started being very disrespectful to me. The way she talks to me is very cruel. I have always been so good to her, loved her with all my heart. Been patient with her and tried to help her. I try to help explain her behaviour to her, as I know a great deal about Asperger now. But I am not allowed to say that word - autistic. She has never been diagnosed. But it is obvious now. Autistic with high levels of narcissism. That is what I am married to. Between an NT and an Asperger, the number one cause of the relationship ending is Empathy and Intimacy. Intimacy is a problem for her, I have tried hundreds of times to talk to her about things, things that adults do in privacy. She believes people don’t do these things. Her thinking, her brain is that of a young child. The defiant behaviour from her during conflict, always makes it painful and hurtful for me. I am highly sensitive. During conflict, her default setting is - divorce. Why? Because she can not handle it. Conflict is not resolved successfully. So the pain stays with me always. I was sure it was just narcissism or full NPD, until I read about sensory processing disorder. That opened up a whole new area for me. Autism. Autism and narcissism go hand in hand. I am wanting to leave. So much. But I love her with all my heart. And I am terrified of being alone. The psychological and emotional abuse I suffer on a daily basis is horrible. The neglect. I feel unwanted, unseen, unloved, invisible and unimportant. I just pray things will change, that she will go back to the way she was in the first year that I knew her. But I know that won’t happen. I am just so scared of the moment, the days I am not with her. Alone. I am scared so much of that. But I am good looking and muscular, I should not be scared at all. I just can’t believe this has happened to me. Like all of you out there, how did this happen to us. What did we do to deserve this emotional abuse. “Gifts of service”. She can buy me sixty five bananas, and boxes of other things. But she can’t come to me and do adult things, she can not sincerely have a deep and meaningful and loving talk with me. She is very robotic and one dimensional. Same four questions every day. Every single day. How are you? Etc No follow up questions, no interest in me. I made our wedding photo albums, and she would not even look at them. I have a thousand stories, like you all do. And ever one is like a thousand paper cuts. Our pain is not visible, like scars or bruises. It is all on the inside. And it feels so much worse that a bruise. How did I become this co dependant emotionally weak man. When did that happen. I was happily single for 7 years before I met her. If I could turn back time, I would wish I had never met her. Life goes on, and I will find a way. One of the worst things I have to live with is the constant invalidation, the denial of my feelings, the gaslighting, the no empathy. She will never say sorry. Not a proper sorry. She will always defend herself and her actions. For the first few weeks of the problems, I started blaming myself, and looking at myself, and thinking it was me that was the cause of the problems. I read a book, ‘the highly sensitive person in love’, and two words opened my eyes, and everything made more sense after that. The two words were “Narcissistic Abuse”, and how empaths are more at risk, and more vulnerable in falling for a narcissistic. I hope you all out there will be ok, I read about you in relationships for 5, 10, 20 years with an autistic person. My heart goes out to you. I am so lucky to have the internet, so I can understand and put words to my feelings and the horror that I am going through. It really helps me. And it helps me knowing that I am not alone. Your stories, your words have helped me so much. Thank you to you all. Please keep writing in. Take care


Bianca
6:56 AM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

@Bella - Thanks for your words. It's just so hard because when we are together its like it used to be. I just don't understand how he can say he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me but acts half ass'd about the situation and when I bring it up he just closes his mind off as he can't handle emotional conversations. Its like I can see that theres a bit in him that does want to be with me but its like his rational thinking/stress from uni is stopping him from doing so!


Flávia
5:09 AM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

@David, I have been learning deeply from you on this forum since I started logging in to read the testimonials a few months ago. Many of your words have been transcribed into a notebook of thoughts that I have with me and reread whenever I can. There are no books, no bibliographic sources that transmit better than the knowledge felt in the flesh and in pain. In fact, the essential point of your contributions is important and people should always access them while redoing their own codependency issues. Unfortunately the initial despair, the first searches on the subject, the friends or family themselves, as well as therapists automatically push the blame for us... it's difficult to access the truth behind the painful fact of a dysfunctional relationship, especially if we are in the codependent operating mechanism. After all, the answer is evident and we must think of it every day as a mantra to absorb slowly: we must never tolerate it again, accept any kind of abuse. And no pathology is our fault or should be forgiven for running over the best of us. I believe that his experience with an aspie woman, as well as that of our friend @Alex, opened the voices to other people on this forum. Although the forum has the greatest contribution of women who suffer in their relationships, I am sure that there are other men who are looking for the information that you have also experienced and even read about it. You are both very brave and deep for resolving to take this initiative. I really appreciate the fact that you are struggling to get out of the same pain and showing amazing and loving results with yourself and the process. The male and female soul are integrated in perfectly sensitive, supportive ways. I am very happy to see a NT that demonstrates this with such sensitivity here on the forum. All my admiration and affection for everything you have lived. I wish you the best for your journey with more love and empathy. Thanks for all!


Lud
4:54 AM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

Dear Nadia, you and your life experience go deeper than any text, book or video I can find on the topic. I felt really calm after reading a few times his words so distilled about a behavior that, for me - NT extreme, is so offensive and that it shook the structures. I know that I must prepare to see my ex-partner walking like a tractor forward... without even remembering my name or existence. I hate it when he said a phrase to me "- but now I don't know if I want a relationship with you, because I'm going to Canada and I need someone closer to me to hug". Detail: he never cared about hugs, maybe he wants to say that he needs someone to do the daily duties for him, no matter if it was me or anyone else. A red flag. Sometimes I make an attempt to put myself in his brain, to think as he thinks... but it makes me sick, it makes me panic. I can't mistreat myself like that. I cannot imagine the version of myself as an object or a utility. I thought that a trace of feeling could be inside him ... but apparently, that's not what there is. If he comes back, it will always be with the vision of utilitarianism. And who needs it in life? I hope I can get out of those arrests and offenses that he put me on the way. I feel that my spirit has been put under a very hard evolving test. I don't want to experience, in any life, giving my emotions to an aspie. Thank you for the words of support and for being who you are, a strong woman with a remarkable empathy. I wish the most beautiful in your life!


lila
12:59 AM
Wed 9th Dec, 2020

Does couples counselling help at all? I am thinking of getting back together with my aspie ex fiance but I am absolutely terrified at the possibility of signing up for a lifetime of unhappiness. In the past he has said rude comments at times and it is so bizarre. When I confront him about it, he sees no problem with what he's said. He usually eventually apologizes but if its brought up again he makes light of what bothers me as if to say "here she goes again." Like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Its very frustrating and condescending He is sweet and makes me happy a lot of the time but these odd occurences and behaviors are starting pile up and are the reason I broke up with him in the first place. Can he really learn to change ? Or acknowledge his rude behavior? I'm 26 and love him very much. He's the only person I have been in love with and he makes me laugh. I just don't know how it will be in the long run and if I would be more emotionally fulfilled in a different partnership.


David
8:44 PM
Tue 8th Dec, 2020

I see a lot of people focusing on Aspergers, even to the point of diagnosing it themselves, in an attempt to rationalize someone else's behavior. It is only natural to do this, because we like to understand what might be going wrong in our relationships, but as I've mentioned before, I think it is the wrong approach. By trying to understand someone else by applying a diagnostic label to them (and a label that we are largely unqualified to give), we are diverting ourselves from the real issues. The issue that binds all of these comments together is this: our partners didn't respect our needs, our feelings, and they lacked empathy and support. We were always the ones who were giving, expecting that with enough effort on our part, we would be reciprocated, but reciprocation never came. What does it matter whether the underlying reason is Aspergers, narcissism, BPD, or just an "NT" who is simply incapable of providing us what we need in life? It doesn't matter. When one sees these kinds of behaviors, and after making an earnest but failed attempt to communicate and address the issues in a mature and productive manner, it is time to leave. If you cannot do that, don't blame it on the other person, who is admittedly flawed and needs work. That is their problem. At some point, we must take responsibility for our unhappiness on ourselves, because although we saw the red flags, we lacked enough self-respect to leave a relationship that is causing us emotional pain. Aspies are nothing more than an extreme example of the kind of traits that we must avoid in any relationship, and as such they provide us with a useful "kick in the pants" (my term from a few posts ago) to move forward. Is this an easy process? Nope. Is it necessary, is it an opportunity for personal growth, is it a path towards happiness? YES! This will be my last post here, because I feel that I've done as much as I can to articulate my thoughts about this, and also because I'm feeling like this site has become too male-oriented, when in fact I see female aspies everyday, and the problems they create are equal to, if not greater than, those caused by male aspies. But I am grateful for this group and will check in from time to time without commenting further, because I suspect that I'll still see people trying to play therapist, when therapists themselves are, in my opinion, entirely unqualified to recognize Aspergers, to distinguish it from narcissistic personality disorder, or to help those partners who have been victimized by it (like us). Indeed, therapists usually cause more damage by invalidating our concerns. I will leave you all with one particular video that I believe is essential in giving us that "kick in the pants" that we all need- please check it out. It is a youtube video from the "School of Life" entitled: "The Capacity to Give Up on People." It is a very revealing and thoughtful window into our soul, and teaches us how to be more accountable for the choices that we make in our partners, and the actions that we take to move forward in life. Please take a look. I wish you all the best of luck.


Bella
10:31 AM
Tue 8th Dec, 2020

Bianca - telling you you’re an idiot because of your beliefs is abusive! He has you where he wants you - a twice a week girlfriend. He is so passive aggressive stringing you along like that. You’re only 30! Set yourself free! You will grieve for a while, so be ready for that. If you do it now, by the time this pandemic is over, you’ll be well on your way to being emotionally ready for a new and great relationship to happen! As for him being the perfect guy for someone else and not you, I am having that feeling now too. My Ex AS guy is with someone else. He is masking big time. I have to remember that he will do the same to her as me. Truly a perfect birthday gift to yourself would be to take action for a much better future for yourself.


Alex
3:02 AM
Tue 8th Dec, 2020

Hi, in my experience with an aspie woman, they are completely confused about wanting or not a relationship. I was completely lost for some months being told either that she wanted to enter into to some kind of relationship with me and the contrary. In a complete random way for me. Always making it clear that it would be a relationship with a lot of space between us. In fact the only thing that she was clear about was exposing that she was not sure about what she wanted. Started, ended without communicating to me, had to guess and ask… So finally told me that wanted nothing with me, but continued acting as if we were a couple, in fact. That kept me there expecting a final twist where she would decide to go fully back with me. That never happened, she finally told me that she wanted no relationship at all with me or no one else. But in one month she started a relationship with another person. As in the beginning she explained me a couple of things about this new relationship (which I didn’t want to hear, btw) I can say that she is completely blind and lost about what she wants. Of course I have a huge fear that she may have with him the kind of relationship that I wanted and couldn’t have. But deep inside me I know is not possible. Just listen to your guts, when someone wants to be with you, is with you. At the end, if someone doesn’t want to be fully compromised into a relationship, what’s the point into trying over and over? Be clear that what you understand by the word “relationship” is not the same that and aspie understands, wants, or is capable of achieving. Just don’t lose your mental sanity and health with someone who is not going to be there for you. Or at least have a clear view of where are you entering. Your needs won’t matter and you are going to be left in the lurch when they consider your needs or you to be a problem. I also had and an amazing connection, the best talks I ever had, she was fully committed to make me feel happy and special. Intelligent, cute, apparently social and caring. But it was just smoke, vanished as quickly as it came. Now I realize there was not a deep feeling behind. Really, protect yourself because “your aspie” is not going to do such thing for you. And @Bianca, greetings and be strong, not easy i know. You have a full life ahead to be with someone who loves you back and puts your bday on the top of priorities, as I'm sure you would do for him. 30y may seem a lot, but you have plenty of time to raise a family with someone who sees you, respects you, loves you and truly wants to be there with you. Just remember that you are special and you matter, don't expect less.


Jennifer
11:37 PM
Mon 7th Dec, 2020

Hi Everyone, I am learning about Aspergers and NT relationships. How do we recognize the difference between some one who has: 1. Apergers shyness vs a Neurotypical who is shy/reserved 2. Aspergers quietness vs a Neurotypical who is quiet 2. Aspergers adversity to affection or not knowing how to give affection vs a Neurotypical who is not affectionate (the NT who grew up not receiving affection from family and thus doesn't know how to show it) 3. Aspergers not understanding emotional needs vs Neurotypical guy who is perhaps insensitive to a woman's emotional needs (E.g, they have grown up without sisters and dont really understand girls) 4. Aspergers Special Interest Vs a Neurotypical who has a hobby 5. Aspergers Sensory issue with food vs Neurotypical who doesn't like a particular food. Would like your thoughts especially if you have lived with a diagnosed Aspie and notice very distinct differences as I am dating some one who I think may have Aspergers but not really sure. I get confused if the behaviour is really Aspergers or could be explained by something else... Also for those who are with undiagnosed Aspies, how did you come to the conclusion they had Aspergers? Did they have a lot of signs of Aspergers or only a few? Thank you heaps :)


Nadia
7:11 PM
Mon 7th Dec, 2020

Dear Lud, I wrote a long response to you and then lost it before sending, so I'm trying to remember exactly what I wrote. First, I fear you may have put too much confidence in me, but I'm honored to give you my thoughts, based on personal experience and lots of valid research and studies, having to do with ASD behaviors. I don't believe that ASP's cannot lie, but I do think your ex was truthful when he told you that he was looking for someone to help with his loneliness. I don't see it as a man looking for a woman, however. I actually see it as a little boy looking for someone, a mother or caretaker, to make him feel better. I doubt very much he is interested in the woman's interests and emotions, or in a relationship where two people share and are vulnerable with each other. The app makes perfect sense to me. It's not so different than the ASP's preference for pornography vs an intimate encounter with a partner. The need is met without any emotion or vulnerability. I also believe that having this disorder prohibits the understanding of the nuances in different types of relationships. For example, friend, acquaintance, intimate partner, treated similar by the ASP. Or worse, masking and doing more for a neighbor or acquaintance than for the partner. One reason we are so quickly replaced is because we are thought of not much differently than others. Another reason is because we are only there to serve a role. What we can offer and do for them. Decades long marriages and partnerships end, and the NT is replaced very quickly. Think for a moment about healthy relationships. They also can end, but the partners, although they still grieve, have a sense of gratitude for the growth they experienced in the relationship. I know how heartbreaking it is to feel as if you meant nothing, but you must realize that it has zero reflection on you as a person, or your inherent worth. You deserve better! Please, learn the tools that will enable you to rewire your thinking. Do self care, journaling, share your wonderful qualities with other NT's, and above all, love the child in you, so you can integrate that child with your adult self.


Bianca Needs A Kick In the Pants
12:57 PM
Mon 7th Dec, 2020

Hi All, I have written on here before re my ex fiance and I "seeing each other" for the last several months since he abruptly ended things with me (with no communication/warning/because the change to his life with getting married freaked him out etc). His been diagnosed so I know he has Aspergers. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me or anyone but he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He only see's me once or twice a week max but doesn't want to make an effort to see me on more days and/or make an effort to see if we can work out again "because he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone" even though I have shown him that we have pretty much been in a relationship without the title. I also told him that in order for him to know if he wants to be with me or anyone, wouldn't he make some sort of an effort with me to help figure it out? His doing a mechanical engineering degree so his focused on that but his just started summer holidays and I was hoping with him not having uni that he would at least just a little more just to see if we could work. His usual Aspergers - lack of communication, one sided conversation unless its about his special interest, neverrrrrrrr wants to leave his freaking house, has his quiet days where he needs to tune out. His said to me "he doesn't expect me to wait around until he sorts his shit out" yet he then says he doesn't want to lose me so his given me an out in a way but I DON'T KNOW WHATS HOLDING ME BACK. In our relationship he was masking majority of the time so I have only seen his true aspergers side really since we broke up. Do I feel that low about myself that I am willing to put my life on hold, trying to fight to get him back even though there is a strong possibility that he will either A) not want a relationship in the end OR B) he will be fine continuing what he have now with no "title" and not putting 100% in and I am still that dumbass girl who stays around. Its my 30th bday today and he finished his uni exams today and his so mentally exhausted that his now sleeping at home and said his zoning out without even a suggestion for a quick bite to eat to celebrate my birthday because he doesn't feel obligated to as we arent' in a relationship and he doesn't celebrate birthdays, christmas, easter etc so of course he won't celebrate for someone else. His tall, good looking, tattoo's, smart (so he looks good on paper) and the cons list is longer than the pro's list however I still want to keep trying but I see everyone's testimonies saying run for the hills but I am dumb enough to stay and keep trying?? I keep thinking that oh if I do stop trying then in a few months what if he does change his mind and wants to be with someone and then he does that and then that female gets the guy that I crave so much? Would he actually change his ways (when the mask comes off) or would it just be the same guy? He was ALWAYS against marriage and when we first got together I told him that I want marriage and kids and if he doesn't want that, then we should go our separate ways and his like no you make me want those things yet 12 months later with an engagement and a freaking unworn wedding dress hanging up in my wardrobe, he shits himself and is like I lost my mind I don't want those things! If I fight for us and things do go my way, would I end up getting my happily ever after or would it just be a life of me having to get used to staying at home and not having date nights/being told I am an idiot for believing in god/no date nights/one way conversations and sooo much more (his not abusive) and am I an idiot for trying to fix it or just desperate to not be alone because I am now 30 and my life is nothing like I expected it would be at this stage? Sorry for the rambling, being my birthday my emotions have just come out on a high!


Camille
9:12 AM
Mon 7th Dec, 2020

@timeforachange and @Anonymous who posted on 6th Dec, Sunday. How do you feel about your family not approving of your partner. Think about why they don't approve and how your partner has treated/disregarded your family. You need to reflect on this; I left my partner and my family didn't respect him either after the manipulation/gaslighting and rudeness directed at me and my family. Your family knows your values, your happiness and everything you bring into this world. Don't disregard their warning. They want you to be the fullest you, and with your current partners, you are making sacrifices and running away from being you. I wish you all the bravery, courage and safety in leaving. Love is not supposed to be this hard. I left my undiagnosed aspie partner 3 weeks ago, and the liberation and reclaiming on my identity is bliss and work. But mostly liberation. x


Time for a change
9:44 AM
Sun 6th Dec, 2020

I have been with a undiagnosed autistic for a decade. I'm wrung out. The chaps constantly miserable but won't pick himself up and stop feeling sorry for himself. I'm always always to be blamed and when he kicks off the amount of shite that comes out of him. He has me chasing my tail, stressed, upset. He used to take himself off sullenly to bed for days (to punish me to me, although he says differently) He's always in the right even when he's wrong. Last year he had a mental breakdown and I've had the worst year yet. He's home all the time but acts like everyone is personally trying to piss him off when they're just being kids or animals or ourselves. We had a massive bust up this evening. We've broken up and now I will be forced to live with him because he doesn't seem to be capable of taking himself off because of finances. I find despite him asking for forgiveness for 9 years of shit and blame on me (when all along it was him with the problem) and I just can't. I used to get so worried about him and self examined so much worried I was abusive. When it was him! Now I can't live a regular life. I'm so sick and tired of the stress from him. We have two young children and he's put me to hell and back one way or another and I've dealt with it as best I can without loosing my temper. The worst of it all is no one will help him neither with mental health or autism. They turned him down for a diagnosis because the poxy useless doctor couldn't see if he could make eye contact over zoom So back to me left supporting him. Yet he will not see what I do as supporting him even though its very hard work. I'm sick of being left to deal with him when he cannot control himself. He has no family because they're horrifically abusive and narcissistic. My family don't like him and I can't blame them he's been rude to them and isn't looking after their daughter in the way theyd like me looked after and cared for within a relationship. I'm a happy positive person who gets joy out of helping others. He's changing that into guilt and shame.


Lud
5:44 AM
Sun 6th Dec, 2020

I'm furious and deeply irritated by my ex's behavior! I never found explanations for this perverse behavior and I never saw any signs of it in my 2-year relationship. But I don't know why people say that an aspie can be faithful and be true to people, without filters. This is NOT true, as I have experienced only omissions and evasive responses. My ex left me in another country (I moved for him!!), I found out that he had installed a dating app as soon as we were done!!!! He was never interested in people, he was never interested in friends... and after a week of breaking up, he found another woman to talk to while ignoring me at all?! He told me that he wasn't interested in a relationship, that he wanted to talk to someone because of the loneliness he felt, etc. How is that possible? Throughout the relationship I encouraged him to make friends and he made no move. BUT JUST JUST IN THE FINAL, HE DID IT? My head after the breakup is disturbed wondering if I was betrayed by this unconscious idiot. He was unable to do anything right with me, but he had time to think about the concern to install an app and find PEOPLE! My psychologist calmed me by saying that he doesn't really know / don't want a relationship, but that he does it to get the benefits he wants. And apps are easy ways to gain an advantage. @Nadia, I would love your opinion on this because your testimony caught my attention and I agreed with everything that was written. If an Aspie is practically a child, why did he do such a thing as an adult man looking for women?! Does he have any idea what he's doing ?! He was naive most of the time, especially with women and was remarkably masking disinterested by the person himself. This worsened my trauma after the end and I would like to never think about this wickedness again!


Anonymous
5:44 AM
Sun 6th Dec, 2020

Hello, I have recently found this website and it has brought me a great deal of comfort to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Im stuck in limbo, damned if i do damned if i don't. I will try to explain although its such a long and complex story i find it hard to articulate. I have currently been separated from my partner for 5 months- this is not the first time we have separated and got back together, the last time i lost myself in depression, anxiety and a complete loss of self, however we ended up back together as we always do. I think of our relationship in 3 stages and i have often confused his actions for outright narcissism. The first stage (when we first got together) he idealised me... for a month showered me with gifts, but at the smallest infraction usually the fact i was having an off day or i wasn't energetic or happy enough or if i dared to criticse him he would rage at me, i made the decision to leave and i rebuilt my life. However, something was always missing, i felt flat, i missed the good things his child like enthusiasm, the funny dances he would do to cheer me up, it sounds silly but those things brought me great joy. I romanticised that we could just have the good times. I have always been so confused how he can be so perfect but also so horrible at the flip of a switch. He promised to change, and i believed him, he did change for a while however old habits crept back in, his controlling nature, picking a fight over the small things, we would always reach an ultimatum where i would say please fix this or i have to leave before i loose myself again, he would promise he would, promises he could never keep. So true to my word i left. However here i am in stage 3- he has reached out to me after a diagnosis of Aspergers and shown me proof of therapy, he says he has all the tools to help me now and he promises he wont ever let me down again, he says he loves me and he wouldn't go to all this trouble to get me back if he didn't mean it, hes promising me the world i just dont know if i can believe it. I want to believe it, i really do, because we have done so much together traveled the world, and i have had the best conversations with him, a connection i havent had with anyone else. Sorry for the monologue, im just so lost follow my head or my heart. Can he really change, or is it that he wants to change but he doesnt really know how? I feel as though its the boy who cried wolf, hes made promises one to many times and never carried through with them. But without him in my life, i feel flat and empty, i miss the good things. I want to know if he really can change the bad traits, his co dependency to me , his inability to understand how i feel. He says he knows how now but i just dont know anymore. If anyone has any words of wisdom it would be much appreciated. I cant speak to my friends of family they dont approve of him anymore . Thankyou.


M
1:04 AM
Sun 6th Dec, 2020

@Paul Your testimonial really resonated with me, it was like reading a message from my future self for I am in the same situation and often feel like I can't leave due to our financial situation. I often wonder if it is wise to leave even though I desperately want to, there are still things I am afraid to lose. I have lost most of my loved one early in life and it often feels like him and his family are the only family I have. I often ask myself if leaving this boring, disatisfying but stable life would do more harm than good, as I am afraid being alone will only make me more depressed. Reading this made me realise that I need to find a way to leave while there is still time and that I can have a better life away from this soul-sucking dead end relationship. And I believe you still can too. There's no required age to start a new chapter in life.


Nadia
11:59 PM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

Lewis, You deserve a standing ovation and our gratitude, for having our backs. Something most of us are woefully unaccustomed to! Thank you for the time and consideration your post took, and the beautiful way you articulated our situations. Peace and love to you, friend.


Vicky
8:55 PM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

Ludmilla - I am 7 months out of my 21 year relationship and I see growth when I sometimes don’t replay past issues. I also find I smile more often and am learning to enjoy things without considering if he is ok. The freedom of not being around his blah energy makes me remember how nice things can actually be when not trying to lift up someone else. I also started training myself to be aware if I started to think of him to stop and it has been working. I also pray and meditate daily to focus on me and it has been so peaceful. I hope you celebrate the small victories when you are enjoying a nice cup of tea, sunny day, etc without obsessing on a difficult relationship you had.


Mouse
4:50 PM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

Not sure there really is and 'end' to the healing process, and think everybodys way to healing is different. I started to feel better, when my anxiety let go, bc i realized what triggered it (before knowing about ASD). My anxiety was triggered by discussing anything emotional with my close relation with ASD, so i made a rule for myself, simply not to do that. I had no idea why it worked, but it did. I couldn't completely avoid him, so emotionally detaching was the only way. Whenever i discussed something emotional with him, it would all be my fault, and his view on things would be so far from my reality it would make my head spin and leave me in a restless state of unproductive apathy. Also i stopped wondering about his reasons for doing and saying things that i couldn't make sense of. I accepted that he would propably always 'surprise' me in some way, and decided to stop feeling surprised about it. If he said og did something that called for a strong emotional response (good or bad), i trained myself to respond with as little emotion as possible. Its not easy, but its possible to get it into ur spine over a couple of years. So, when dealing with him i never allow myself to even consider if he could be right about some of he's complaints, bc it simply takes to much time and energy to figure out. Im not gonna spend my life trying to figure out if he might be right about somethings sometimes. With other people in my life, i try to apply 'normal' rules for interacting, but when dealing with him, its a practical solution, to simply not think about whether he could be right. I used to spend so much time and energy doing that, that i couldn't do much else. So try to stop doing that, it will simply take time and energy from u, that u can spend in a possibly much more rewarding way. After cutting him out like that, my depression also started to let go, and i started to be able to feel 'normal' feelings again. This might sound like i was a strong person, but i really wasn't. I was a nervous wreck, and doing this, was the only way i could keep up with my daily chores. I'm still in a mild but constant state of panic from time to time, but have found ways to relax myself (chemical free...). I will probably never 'get back' to who i 'used to be'. And i no longer see that as my end goal. I have learned things, and know things i could not have known, if this had not happened in my life. And i'm okay with that. My life still isn't easy, but it makes sense again. And after years of feeling like nothing made sense, thats a feeling i really appreciate. But it did take years, and a lot of hard work. U do end up traumatized after these relationsships, and i believe there's a physical and a mental side to that. Ur nervous system has to recover, which might take a lot of time and patience... and when ur actually able to think straight again, u can do the mental work that can help u make sense of the experience. But it is possible to be happy about life again, and i believe SALVE is the cure. Whenever i feel someone saying something that makes me feel like my situation is understood and validated by someone else, i feel my body relaxing and my head clearing up. It might just be a very short sentence from someone, just feeling understood, makes a huge difference. Feeling understood really is a very basic human need. If not enything else, living without it, has made me realize the importance of it. I feel the effect of being understood, just in a short sentence, physically. So, lets grow understanding, maybe even for ASD people, once the anger has let go enough, so a conversation with one of them, won't awake the need to simply throw in a good punch...!:-O I'm sure they don't know what they r doing, cause they don't get the emotions we feel... but, i'm also sure, some feel 'superior', and think less of normal people. I try to remind myself, they don't really know better, and might need to feel superior to function... like toddlers... Anyway, in my experience, theres no 'magic pill' to healing, its hard work.. but its possible! Gratitude to everybody who shares there views and stories here!<3


Idem
3:23 PM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

Lewis@ - You hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you have written. You are right, there is some kind of twisted political correctness that deny to admit that there is something fundamentally wrong and 'irreparable' about Aspies. I guess it is caused by fear not to be accused of discrimination? I have also noticed that between 3 the most common psychological disorders: psychopaty, narcissism and HFA, there is general perception in the Society that first 2 are 'bad' but HFA are ok just not well adjusted so we should adjust ourselves to their needs. For me all 3 of them are quite toxic in similar level when in relation with NT person.


IHaveFinallyLeft
11:11 AM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

I've posted here under a few aliases as I want to keep my identity confidential. 2 weeks ago I decided to break up with my partner. I had imagined that if I were to stay any longer in this partnership I would become a shadow or an empty case. Only around to be there for my partner. What had I gained in this relationship? Suicidal ideations, disruption to my studies and decline in my physical and mental health. I am a young, 26-year-old woman with her whole life ahead of her. My family warned me of my partner, they didn't like him at all. Today we said our final good-bye. I asked him if he has thought further about getting tested for ASD. His psychologist floated it by him that he has ASD. He never followed through with an assessment even though his scoring was high for it. Even though the closest person to him (me) had experienced an upbringing with an undiagnosed father of ASD. I know what it looks like, sadly I know how lonely it feels. He said he had not given in one thought to get assessed (this was the reason for our split). How could someone who loves you ignore your plea. I want him to get assessed for his own future his workplace, future relationships. He asked me "Can't you get validation somewhere else" - as though my concern for his undiagnosed ASD was me trying to validate my childhood experience. I've had extensive years of therapy and an amazing cherished relationship with my father, and he still assumed I'm projecting. "What about if you're projecting". I've told him I am encouraging him to get this assessment for his own benefit, out of care and love. This final conversation only happened a few hours ago, it wasn't emotional, I don't have any emotion left for this relationship. And even though it was recent, I have trouble re-calling what was said and what I said. I think this is another symptom of being with someone with ASD, they gaslight you and are repetitive so confusion sets in when you attempt recollection. I am ready to reclaim myself, I am loveable and so loved by my family and friends. I didn't want to be like my mum who stayed with my abused ASD father for 19 years. Gosh, I almost feel like I've gone back in time and I'm my mother. Good-bye old me who thought she deserved to be treated like this, little connection, only cognitive empathy. Please, even if you have been with your partner for a long time, leave. This is your sign. Leave. Sending you all love, thankyou for encouraging me to leave. I come to this website every day to find validation and similar experience, looking forward to the days when I can self-validate that my experience happened and I'm not crazy. XX


Ludmilla
8:10 AM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

I have a question for people who have come out of a relationship with an Aspie and who "overcame" much of the trauma of living with them. Recovery is slow and detox seems to be just over the years... What are the signs that you slowly noticed the improvement and healing taking place? At what point did you feel freeing yourself from that past relationship? My foot is still in the mud almost a year later, but sometimes I go forward and sometimes I go back two steps... It's so confusing and exhausting. I'd love the positive view on the end as well. Thank you very much, dear friends. :*


Crushed
2:51 AM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

@howdidinotseeit: THIS! Stuck in a tragedy. Couldn't have said it better myself. Long time reader, first time writer. But I had to react to this. Working hard to get out but so difficult. But I am go I no to get there in no small part to the support I have found here. With gratitude and well wishes to you all.


Lewis
12:06 AM
Sat 5th Dec, 2020

@Charlotte, I’ve been reading testimonials from this site for a long time now and I have never written anything until now. I come here to get real information from people who actually have to live with “aspies,” as virtually no other site will allow them to voice their painful experiences due to some twisted form of political correctness in the psychology world. In my opinion, these people are the true experts and “professionals,” not some psychologist who only studies the disorder at work, then goes home to their normal lives. These people live with aspies 24/7, and should never be questioned about their individual traumas. The last thing they need is to be cross-examined by yet another aspie. People here need understanding, empathy, reassurance, and compassion; something that aspies can’t provide adequately enough for a normal relationship. Psychology Today, does not provide a significant amount of understanding for the tribulations of those suffering because of aspie parters; they provide merely clinical explanations of the disorder, and how these poor people must bend over backwards—even further—to meet the needs of the aspie partner. Unfortunately, your letter is what’s expected from a person with aspergers. Why is it that just one website cannot exist if it speaks negatively about your condition? All sources must only reflect your beliefs about “the truth?” You also unintentionally insulted some people here (I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt), telling them to seek “professional” direction from “experts” who supposedly know more about their heartbreak than they know themselves. If you’ve spent enough time here, you’ll find many have went to “experts” in the past, only to be told to essentially “suck it up,” or to cater to the needs of the aspie partner even more. As far as curiosity, you speak as if these folks have a twisted view of the situation, further insulting them by giving the impression that some of them are imagining their problems, or even you doubting that the perpetrators are even on the spectrum at all. Importantly, this site is nothing but “straight from the horses mouth,” not from an aspie standpoint, but from a normal one—something aspies are not used to because they generally have it their way almost always. Frankly, I’m tired of the patronizing attitude of aspies; the idea that at any moment in time they’re the most “intelligent person in the room.” Or, the belief that emotions are a sign of weakness, only because their “superior intellect” can’t understand normal cognition. In your defense, I will concede that these problems are more concentrated in males than in females, so maybe even you don’t understand the problem if you haven’t been with an aspie man, and most especially because you’re not a NT. Aspies are outstanding when it comes to their particular specialties and interests, because they become completely consumed with them to the point of obsession. All that is being said here is that aspies almost always make a poor partner for a NT—nothing else. “Professionals” won’t make this “assumption” as it would possibly hurt the feelings of someone on the spectrum; then, leave it to NTs to deal with the problems of aspie relationships even if it destroys the lives of those “neurotypicals.” It’s truly irresponsible and uncaring. Really, would you go to a historian for the truth about an event, or to a primary source? You can interview a primary source and make your own conclusions, rather than having the facts filtered through a possibly biased professor. We don’t ask historians about the horrors of war, we ask the the soldiers—the people on this site are the warriors in the NT/aspie world—and they don’t need to have their message degraded by people who question their experiences. They are here to help others and to help themselves; as aspies get most of the help and attention they need, while those who live with them suffer with little or no resources. Please do these folks a favor and let them have their space to express their troubles. Aspies make up approximately 0.5% of the population, yet they consistently feel like the normal 99.5% are either too emotional, and/or not intelligent enough to understand why aspies are always right, and NTs always wrong—that’s sarcasm. And while I’m on the subject, I find the term Neurotypical to be a bit condescending. There’s nothing typical about any of the people here except for the pain they all have encountered and endured. Each person here is as unique and special as you are Charlotte; all varying in their degrees of emotion, creativity, and intelligence. No one is “typical,” and no one deserves to be dismissed by a “professional psychologist” because they can’t deal with an extremely abnormal relationship.


HowdidInotseeit
12:11 PM
Fri 4th Dec, 2020

Grateful to have found this. I never thought I'd see so many others sharing similar experiences and feelings. Extremely validating and needed, thank you all. I am 35, been married 9 years after 7 years engaged. I find myself wondering why I have put up with it all for so long and I can now recognize it was my own ignorance and fear, but now unable to leave due to finances and fear. So much work to be done and I'm so tired. Worried about the prospect of ever having children, had wanted to have already started trying but surrounded by doubt since I found out that it isn't something that will ever change to meet my needs let alone a child's. I drove myself crazy verbally articulating what was happening as it was happening for years until I found that what I was describing and attempting to explain actually had definitions! I've experienced so many ego deaths and grief cycles, the fact that it is never intentional doesn't change the impact. I'm exhausted, unhappy, unfulfilled and like many here have become isolated, anxious and depressed. It crushed my soul when I found out about aspergers. I had been vocal the entire time about my expectations, the importance of honesty and my disdain for deception when here I was so easily deceived for YEARS. So many lies by omission, masking. I feel robbed. The circular arguments never brought solutions though he does apologize after less grief now after YEARS, but actions don't change (if they do it's temporary) and words just aren't there. I feel stuck in a tragedy. My family hasn't been well for a long time. Narc parents, sister w bpd who went undiagnosed 32 years. I only have superficial relations w inlaws and whenever there's an obligation I feel like I'm forced into acting/lying (which I HATE!) So there's usually dread and anxiety and every symptom of Cassandra's phenomenon. He is a good man, but I didn't marry with the understanding of being a caretaker and having more misery than joy to look back on. Praying for courage to leave.


Michelle
9:08 AM
Fri 4th Dec, 2020

Whenever I feel like I’m loosing my mind I come back to this sight for reassurance. My undiagnosed Aspie.... I’m not sure he is an aspie or just a huge selfish jerk or maybe one in the same. I went to a special Thearpist for over a year to be able to deal with my boyfriend. He is noncommittal except to say he is there which makes him obviously committed. That doesn’t make a lot of sense because anyone can stick around a situation when it’s advantageous to them finically. He NEVER touches me except for sex about every 10 days. Always in the afternoon. He is nice lover and very affectionate durning sex then he turns it off completely. When we are don’t he gets dressed and walks out of the room. Never any pillow talk. He is critical of me in a very cutting way. Cant give a compliment... he says compliments are just people manipulating amd that no compliments are real . Well, mine are! He doesn’t pick up a finger at home. He moved in with me and calls My home “ the place.” Because he says he’s not totally comfortable there. He has days when he hardly talks to me amd says the silence is him trying to relax but he gets a phone call and talks up a storm being Mr Awesome. I feel so angry with him sometimes I want to punch him in the stomach so he can see how it feels to have the wind knocked out of you.... I wonder if he has aspergers.... he has many of the signs but he is really social and charming too. Only one melt down in 4 years....


Paul
7:54 AM
Fri 4th Dec, 2020

Hi Nadia. Thank you so much for giving me your time and consideration. Your words and thoughts mean a great deal to me. Yes, it is time to put myself first which I aim to do. I don’t expect it to be easy but once I’m on the right path again, I won’t be looking back. I listened to one of Dr Carter’s clips and everything he said hit home. Thanks again .


Laurie
5:40 AM
Fri 4th Dec, 2020

Nadia you rock!


Nadia
12:53 AM
Fri 4th Dec, 2020

Paul, I'm concerned about the emotional pain you are experiencing. I feel I have experienced passive suicide ideation, which is lack of caring about one's life, but no active thoughts of actually committing the act of suicide. The issue is that we don't want to cross that line when there is another way to bring hope and peace back into our lives. I get you are between a rock and a hard place. I hear you, believe me. Many people can't see a resolution due to finances, children, businesses, etc. But,there is a solution and it's been with you this whole time. You are the solution, Paul. Even if you can't leave, you have the ability to take your power back and live your own truth. I didn't leave my husband immediately, but I did disengage emotionally from him. I put myself first, did a lot of self care, stopped using cognitive dissonance to keep me stuck living his life and his agenda. Realized my intrinsic worth and value. You have intrinsic value and worth Paul. There is not one person on this earth worth more than you. Think of your loved ones that have passed, that you mentioned. They want to see you honor that life you were blessed to have. If you can reach out to a professional to sort this out, please find one that has experience in trauma, because that is what it sounds like you have experienced. Most of the beautiful souls on this forum have C-PTSD, or complex post traumatic syndrome disorder. It's also referred to as OTRS, or Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. We experienced, and some still are, such as yourself, cycles of abuse. With some tools, you can feel healthier and live a better life. Yes, even if you stay. The knowledge of everything you are experiencing will be the catalyst for taking your life back. I was so drained after decades of living like this that I remember hoping that God would take me in my sleep. I never had plans to take my own life, but that's not to say that I never would have. When I think about those dark thoughts now, I can't believe how different I feel today. That was another person. Now, I just want to live and soak up any and all joy I can experience. It's all inside of you Paul. You are stronger than you know. Tap into that strength. There's a beautiful, kind, compassionate doctor on YouTube that focuses on narcissistic abuse, named Dr. Les Carter. He has helped me like no therapist ever could. Regardless of what others think regarding ASD vs NPD, I see narcissistic abuse in these relationships. At any rate, it's toxic, and that's what Dr. Carter addresses. His style will comfort you, friend.


Paul
7:28 AM
Thu 3rd Dec, 2020

I’m so tired...so very tired and worn out. I’ve been with my partner 20 years now. We are both 60 and no longer working. Looking back , I can’t recall a day of fun or enjoyment. Now, all I think about is him. At night in bed, I reflect on the past day and think about what lies ahead the next day. The meltdowns, the tantrums , the tears, the veiled threats have all happened over the years. All mainly to get his own way. My thoughts , opinions and wishes are all an inconvenient annoyance to him in achieving what HE wants....and must have..yes...MUST have. It’s like a battle which he has to win at all costs . He will not give in. When I first met his mother, she advised me that I must not let him have his way all the time. I have failed on that task. I’m forced to give in from his actions, mood, temperament, silences and tears. Now I feel he will put me into an early grave. I have health issues...maybe brought on from the stresses of living with him...but that might be unfair of me to blame him...who knows ? The other day, I attempted some DIY, and needed a couple of minutes of his time to help me. He snapped my head off. I wasn’t the only one being busy...he was busy too...as he sat there looking at his phone. Later, he attempted an apology saying I caught him at a bad time.. ..I enquired, ‘ what bad time ?’. He said he was having trouble leaving an online review of a product he bought which did not work. He doesn’t like it when I do things he cannot do such as DIY or decorating. He becomes very moody and finds excuses to go out. I know the only way for me to get any peace and relaxation is to leave him. But there is no easy way out, especially financially. I pray most nights that I can leave this world soon and be reunited with the family I have lost. I say to them up above.....’ See how he is ?....See how he treats me?... I hope that they do see it now.....no one alive apart from me knows just how impossible he can be. I’m between a rock and a hard place.


Alex
10:07 PM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

Thanks @David. I really appreciate yours words. You are talking about yourself and your experience, but I could subscribe every word you say. That’s exactly me and what happened to me. So its extremely helpful to know that others have been along the same road and have the chance to mirror myself, thanks for being so honest and clear. I’m sure that there are also other men in this situation that will also appreciate this (and women, as I believe that being gay is also quite common for asp people). As you say I also think that aspie women are quite more common, but their masking is just amazing. But also agree on the fact that at the end is a matter of self-respect, it doesn’t matter the label, at least in terms of a relationship. There are behaviours acceptable and other that are not acceptable, because the damage is the same and its real. And I don’t want that for me anymore, I want to be respected the same I respect others. I also know that I crossed some limits that I shouldn’t and offered what I was not asked for, I’m working to set my boundaries. I can only thank you and the others that share their experiences here, I never thought it could be so helpful to feel recognized and understood. And yes, in fact it is slowly getting better. Despite being still hurt, my life is a much better place now. I hope this experience will help me not to lose my sense of self again. And I really hope that I never again feel the levels of anxiety that I suffered with it.


Miel
9:30 PM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

@Charlotte It’s important to note that ASD men manifest it so differently than ASD women, the two almost can’t be compared. ASD women suffer far fewer emotional deficits. Their condition is frequently misdiagnosed as ADD, or never diagnosed at all because women mask so expertly. Sadly, the ability to care (about yourself, your pets etc) does not mean one can genuinely care for others. Without the ability to empathize with others or intuit their feelings, there can be only surface caring. A robot can also care, up to a point.


Nadia
8:21 PM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

Charlotte, You sound like a lovely person, and I understand the need to explain certain aspects you don't agree with. I also agree completely that members continue educating themselves about this disorder, and also continue to talk with others going through similar experiences. The one thing I have trouble with is "going straight to the horse's mouth" for this information. Whether one agrees or not that the ASD person lacks empathy, I believe it's accepted that this disorder lacks "theory of mind", "mindblindness", as you yourself stated when you said, "unable to understand people and their needs". The effect of that alone leaves a NT person dealing with a narcissistic style. It's very damaging to our self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. Some of these testimonials absolutely contain co-existing conditions. In my case, I was just dealing with HFA. No physical, verbal, or financial abuse. Just inability to meet my most basic needs of reciprocity, empathy, validation of being seen and heard. I've been in therapy off and on for decades, and was never diagnosed with anything but anxiety, which turned out to be related to the effects of being married to a person with HFA. I lost all joy, and basically the will to continue, until I finally was told by a therapist recently that maybe the problem wasn't me, but the person I was married to. Decades of going through life with someone who couldn't see me, hear me, due to a neurological and developmental disorder that can be masked very well. If people with ASD do have empathy, but just are unable to "recognize when it is needed", then why, when told directly, that they have hurt someone, can't they show it then? It's my experience, and I believe others who live in similar situations with ASD, that it's because they don't have the ability to feel empathy due to their lack of "theory of mind". As I stated previously, maybe some can learn "Cognitive Empathy", and respond in kind, but the emotion will not be there. It doesn't feel genuine and we as NT's sense that. NT and AS relationships are not a good fit for the NT. I say for the NT because it is not a good fit for them, but for the AS person, it seems to work just fine. As empathetic people, we practically kill ourselves trying to accommodate and keep things flowing nicely for them, while also taking care of others, and everything else. My own husband who was recently diagnosed HFA, didn't see a thing wrong with our relationship. I cried nearly every evening while he slept beside me. It's important to state that we cannot get educated and/or talk with a person who has ASD, simply because there is no ability to understand and/or have insight into our experiences. I was traumatized by my relationship, and never had a hand raised to me. Abuse has many definitions, and to be neglected emotionally by the one person who is supposed to love and take care of you unconditionally, fits under the label of abuse. As always, I wish the members here, clarity, wisdom, and courage, to see their own worth, and know that they matter.


Flávia
7:59 AM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

I'm so exhausted from going over the story in my head, at the level of madness that this story meant. I never imagined that at the age of 29 I'd violently encounter such a sick story, being the protagonist of my own pain. I'm so demolished, physically disfigured, upset in my own thoughts and tiny in front of myself... I just wish this mental madness would come to an end. Why doesn't this end and I don't recover? This path is so hard and I feel my foot still in the mud, wanting to escape with all my strength. But the feet just don't come out! I understand the syndrome, I understand where I abandoned myself. I understand mentally, but I don't absorb and I don't swallow. We broke up 6 months ago and haven't spoken for 2 months, but still... With therapy, with a lot of self-care, with personal time and projects, I feel the past getting drunk. He left me with a million mental mazes, he made me really terrified of our own history and new people. He made me become insecure and suspicious of obscure pathologies in people. I look at the details of the behaviors and think that everything is a trap. I run and avoid. He hurt my tolerance and empathy, he fed on my vital energy and left! I know that this is turning into self-knowledge and wisdom about the next relationships... I know that it taught me how to never let someone else step on my head when I was a rug. But I'm simply E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D to go over this whole story. When does this hell end?!!


maggie
7:49 AM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

This is for Anon123-he will NEVER understand why or how his behaviour affects you and your children, try as you may to explain it to him. To understand requires empathy and Aspergers has no empathy, it is missing in the brain wiring ( not their fault, it just is)I understand this completely having been married many years to my Asperger husband and have tried until I turned myself inside out and upside down and depleted myself of all energy to the point of burnout, then I learned about Aspergers and mind blindness and lack of empathy.......so I STOPPED trying. This is a "profound disability" to quote Dr Kathy Marshack who has extensive understanding and knowledge of AS. I understand that inside you are dying, it happened to me too. You mention your daughter's light is dimming and she seems cautious about what she does--this is what we partners often end up doing, it's walking on eggshells, and it's so wrong, and to observe this developing in a child is heartbreaking, I had to help my children with this also.


maggie
7:23 AM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

Nadia, your comment about Emotional Intelligence in these relationships is timely and powerful for me. We are indeed dealing with children, and the fact that these relationships consist of one adult and one child in these terms reinforces my understanding. Thank you for sharing your insights.


Charlotte
12:26 AM
Wed 2nd Dec, 2020

@Lisa Hey there. I'm not a professional so I can't tell you the most reliable info about Asperger's, but I do have it. The difference is that that one is a personality type which in my personal opinion is somewhat arbitrary. The other is a deep-rooted neurological thing that will also cause things like sensory issues and special interests. We absolutely can be caring just like anyone else. People with Asperger's don't have trouble caring about people; we just lack some social skills and don't understand people or their needs that well. Some of the things claimed by this website about Asperger's (ex: no empathy, manipulative to other people) I don't see reflected in professional sources and many of the testimonials seem to be about Aspies that also have other issues or people who don't seem to have Asperger's at all. I don't mean this to try and invalidate anyone's experiences and I genuinely sympathize with anyone that has dealt with toxic or abusive people. Really, if you're curious about Asperger's, I'd recommend you look at Psychology Today for basic info or to learn about autism in general straight from the horse's mouth, look at the tag #actuallyautistic on social media. Good luck with your relationship.


Anon123
7:58 PM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

@lisa I definitely think aspies can be kind and thoughtful. I think my husband is thoughtful/shows concern for my wellbeing etc most times. Sometimes it comes naturally and other times he's rigid and comes off very awkwardly that I just push him away/ reject his thoughtfulness. It's odd for me, I know that he is on the spectrum, yet I expect him to behave as a NT. I'd love to hear others experience on this aswell. My husband is quite the *masker* he is able to play the game well and most times I forget he isnt a NT adult. Then he does or says something so bizarre and un-adult like and it crushes me because I was tricked into this marriage and now I have to live with it...


David
7:44 PM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

@Lisa- I am INTJ according to the Myers-Briggs criteria. I will leave it up to you to read my posts here and come to your own conclusions regarding whether I am an aspie. You see, I believe that these diagnostic and personality trait "buckets" label people unfairly and oftentimes inaccurately, which is why I've concluded that we shouldn't even try to diagnose Aspergers in a given individual. Not even mental health "professionals" can do it accurately. It only matters to me that someone treats me in a caring, respectful, and empathetic manner, and that my emotional energy in a relationship is reciprocated. That's it. If they do not, it doesn't matter to me what the reason is, whether it's Aspergers, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or an NT who is just not a good fit for me. It only matters that I recognize a bad fit when I see it, and that I move on before wasting my energy on someone who doesn't appreciate me. I have broadened my view of relationships to recognize that, aspie or not, there are certain traits that are bad for me in a partner, and I have enough self-respect to not tolerate them anymore. Lack of empathy and lack of reciprocity are deal breakers, no matter what the cause. Having dealt with an aspie woman was important for my personal growth, only because it demonstrated the extreme end of behaviors that I never want to invite into my life again (regardless of the diagnostic label). If she never told me she had Aspergers, I would have gone through the same process of pain, confusion, and then self-improvement. So it's not about labels (Myers-Briggs or otherwise). It's about the behavior that one directly observes in their partner that should inform one's decisions.


Lisa
6:28 PM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

Hi guys, Wondering if anyone can tell me the difference between someone who has Aspergers and someone who is a Neurotypical but has a Myer Briggs Thinker personality where they use thinking more than feelings. E.g, an INTJ..... Could you give real life examples of Mind blindness and Lack of Theory of Mind of an Apergers as compared to a Thinker Neurotypical Person. I am trying to understand these concepts..... I am dating some one who I think may have Aspergers but he is a thinker personality and is genuinely caring/chivalrous(Makes sure I am warm, that I have eaten well etc) and kind at the same time. Can Aspies be caring people too?. Thanks


Idem
6:24 PM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

David@ - I thought what you said about lack of respect. Aspies are robotic they can only copy and mimic NT people and I don't think they quite understand respect. Just as I wrote before about my awful experience of working with Aspie people. It is different than personal relations but the team was small and all was very intensive in this Company it affected me quite badly. I thought about this high unpleasant woman there... if she saw someone as strong character she run around them like little submissive puppy but if she found someone weaker she behaved like aggressive bully. Plain awful.I don't think they know how to relate to other people in respectful and equal manners. I oslo think that lots off them feel superior to us as we have feelings, emotion they have only logic so in their eyes we are weaker as 'humans'.


Anon123
2:50 PM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

Today he decided to call me at work, because he needed me to do paperwork that he could never do. I answered and his tone was rude, no apologies, nothing. Just asked if I could do his paperwork for him. He cant live without help. Theres no way he could survive on his own without the assistance of someone. I wish I could drop him and watch him suffer the same way he has controlled and made me suffer. To top things off my period is late and I cant deal to have another child with this psycho. Even though I'm so desperate for another angel. I honestly considered myself to be too smart to fall into this hell I've gotten myself into. How did I rush into marriage and kids with someone that was acting, now there's no turning back. Hes adamant to buy the house that he wants and expects me to agree, God forbid I reject his choice. I would literally give up all the riches of the world to have my old life back. I guess we never know what we had until it's gone. My biggest concern is my children ever being affected by his ways. My dream is for them to thrive and find happiness like I never did. I'm literally tearing up as I type this as I feel like this will be my emotions for the rest of my life.


David
6:20 AM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

@Alex- I cannot give you much direct advice since everyone's situation is different, but your pain is so palpable that I would like to share with you how I handled an almost identical situation (that I've written about here a while ago). Before I do that, I would like to say that men often love very deeply and unconditionally- we are stupid in that way, myself included. I used to fall in love too quickly with a woman, making assumptions about her that were based upon my fantasies as opposed to reality. That is what happened in my short relationship with an aspie woman (and I believe that aspie women are quite common, but they hide it well, and men are often embarrassed to share their experiences about them). She told me everything I wanted to hear- unbelievable love bombing, cute and innocent "quirks" that could only be described as charming, and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. When I found out about her Asperger's, the co-dependent part of me wanted to feel wanted and needed by her- I wanted to help her, understand her, help her realize that someone else in this world (me) understood her. That kind of co-dependency stems from my being in the health care profession, which is by definition a selfless and giving calling, but I lost a sense of my own boundaries with her. I didn't realize at the time that she didn't really want my understanding or compassion, and that she was simply playing out a finely tuned script- a robotic act without feeling. I was her focus of attention, her special interest, but once that time passed, it was like she flipped a switch. Almost without warning, making me question what I did wrong, without closure and without an ability to understand what had happened. Someone important to me, or who I thought was important to me, pulled the rug out from under me without her caring how it affected me. She knew I was in pain but she didn't care. I was on my own to figure it out. Without closure, I kept on thinking about her every day, reaching out to her for a chance to talk, to reconcile, to come to an understanding, only to be met with silence. In retrospect, meeting someone like her was a very important part of my personal growth. It make me realize how much I was dependent upon external validation from others who are not in a position to give it, and when I shouldn't have needed it in the first place. I'm very accomplished and have helped a lot of people in my life, and when I finally realized that no one should treat me like this (or anyone else for that matter), it gave me a good solid kick in the pants. But it took me over a year to figure it out. My own switch was turned off at that very moment- I stopped obsessing about her because, quite frankly, she treated me in a very disrespectful manner, and I should think better of myself than to accept that kind of behavior from anyone. So I moved on- not because she was an aspie (and somehow we're supposed to be understanding of their behavior), but because I don't accept that kind of behavior from anyone now, regardless of the underlying cause. Not an aspie, not a narcissist, not someone with BPD, and not an NT. No one. My life is worth more than obsessing over someone who used me as a new shiny toy for a brief moment of time, as her new special interest, until something shinier entered her life. It's her loss, not mine, and it's your girlfriend's loss too. I can tell that you're a very introspective and caring person- she doesn't deserve someone like you, and frankly she doesn't want someone like you (sorry to say). You represent everything that she is not, and that she is incapable of being. Read that again and let it sink in. Recalibrate the way that you feel about yourself, realize that she didn't treat you right, but it's her problem, not yours. Be civil at work, smile, say hello, and just move on, self confident in the knowledge that you don't want someone like that in your life. You dodged a major bullet. It's hard to accept at the moment, but I promise that it will get better.


Anon123
5:15 AM
Tue 1st Dec, 2020

It's been day 3 now and he hasn't spoken to me. Goes about huffing in the house when he gets back from work. I cant stand the creature. If you have an issue just talk it out. He is capable of that, so I will not expect anything less. I am always the one that has to approach him and it has drained every bit of my emotional and mental state. With each day I cant stand him. This is basically a diary and release for me sharing this. I want to leave so badly but he has threatened to take the kids away as he is fully aware I have anxiety, heightened by him!!! But he only knows the anxious me as I'm literally walking on egg shells for the past 8.5 years with him. I wish I could turn back time, i dream about being free every single day of my life. I envy the couples I see walking and talking, being friends. I detest going out with him and try to avoid going to social events with him, hes embarrassing and controlling. I have not confided in anybody so this site has been a form of relief of me, knowing I am not alone and also a place I'm able to share my emotions and thoughts whether it's being read or not. I hope for better days. One day.


Alex
11:45 PM
Mon 30th Nov, 2020

Hi! I have been writing here these last months just to empty my soul of all this pain and anxiety i have been suffering during the last year. And also, to leave a testimony of what it is to be with an ASP person, probably with BPD traits in my case. Now I’m in a process of recovering, going to therapy to understand what happened and how I went so far with a relationship that was damaging me so clearly. Many months have passed since she left me, and while she is still in my head, I can say I’m no longer in love. I’m still hurt but not in love. She has moved from my heart to my stomach. How can I love someone who treats me like a piece of wood? Just managing strange emotions I feel when I have to meet her for work. She really feels no-thing for me, total coldness and indifference. She asks me how I am in a total impersonal way, it’s a mechanical act, to ask me how I am when we have to talk to be because of work. But no real interest in how I am, never had the chance to go one day for a walk, a talk… It makes me sick in my stomach. As always the feeling is about emptiness. In general she doesn’t even have the need to be slightly polite, no care at all, no recognition that I might be hurt... nothing at all. I can’t recognize her, I don’t know who this person is. And I was told not so long ago to be the most important person in her life. It helps me a lot what @Nadia said, to remember that emotionally is not an adult person. And I also recognize what some of you have been saying. I am just beginning to know in a very calmed and slow way a new person, and since its good to know that I can care for someone else and that someone can care about me, I find myself trying to find if she is ASP or has some kind of dark hidden personality. Is amazing how just a few months made such a great impact on me. So please listen, if you are with someone who is ASP, the relationship won’t go any deep or further than it is in the present moment. I hear now how she speaks about her new relationship (no filter); I wish I had known how it was when it was me in there. There is no depth, no willing to evolve, to compromise. There is a great seduction game, but just sometimes, because when it gets too emotional, there is distance and silence. You are a piece of wood. Maybe a charming and wonderful piece of wood to admire, but you don’t truly love a piece of wood. It is hard to hear, but you are not seen or loved. I’m not sure if an ASP can really love someone who is not part of their blood family or a pet, for what I have experienced. It’s amazing how sometimes she is fully aware of when she is hurting someone (or me) or being unfair or selfish. Is not that she doesn’t realize, is that she doesn’t care at all. And I also have the gut feeling that she doesn’t really care who she is with, that she has platonic obsessions and then the real person can be quite random. Not really sure about that but have quite a strong feeling.


Help needed!!
2:56 PM
Mon 30th Nov, 2020

Hi All, so I have been speaking and seeing my ex aspie for several months now and we are all but in a relationship without it being official and his just admitted he doesn’t know if he wants to be with anyone (his said it previously aswell but still wants to keep me in his life because he doesn’t want to lose me) and that he loves me or still has love for me. What do I do?? He says he doesn’t expect me to wait around until his figured his shit out, if he ever does because it’s not fair on me but he just can’t figure out if he wants to be in a relationship or not. Is there anything I can do to help him decide and figure things out ?


Jekyl & Hyde!
9:26 AM
Mon 30th Nov, 2020

Hi All, goodness I experienced my ex fiance who I am still seeing in full aspie mode. So he can't talk about emotions as he doesn't know how to mentally deal with the conversation (and his currently doing an engineering degree so his focused on that)... so I was texting him on Saturday/Sunday how I am currently feeling with everything going on between us and poured my heart out and instead of his usual "I am sorry, I don't mean to make you feel like that" text messages .... the douchebag blocked me! So I was contacting him via email and whatsapp asking wtf did I do (when he ended the engagement he completely shut me out for 2 weeks and was so cold towards so I was like oh crap his doing the same thing). He finally caved in and admitted it was a "temporary thing" as my messages got him angry cause he can't process them properly and it takes him off course with his focus and study and I told him well how about you just tell me to get lost instead of "blocking me" and then he apologized and finally admitted he knows its all frustrating as he can't focus on making us "official" again as his mind is elsewhere with uni and that he does not want me to feel the way I feel at all. Do they seriously just take the easy way out and stonewall you instead of easily saying - please give me space I need to focus. Am I crazy for still "seeing him" and trying to make things worse or could it get better after he finishes uni?


Anon123
6:30 AM
Mon 30th Nov, 2020

I'm married to one, I had absolutely no idea but based it off his lack of english as he grew up in Europe. I'm going to keep details as neutral as possible as I'm not ready to share my experience with anyone I know yet. It's just so difficult, I'm sitting here with a huge knot in my stomach and feel like throwing up. We went house shopping over the weekend and he demanded I accept the 3rd house we viewed literally after browsing it for 5 or so minutes. I had no time to process what I thought of it and all the logistics. He started yelling at me in the car with the kids telling me if I didnt like it, he wasn't going to bother with any more home buying. The truth is, I'm just stumbling in life, I try to live each day as it comes. I have 2 beautiful children and my younger child is asd. My whole family is aware of my husbands autism, but we all keep it on the down low so he is not uncomfortable around us. He has not been diagnosed but his mother has casually mentioned that he isnt like the rest of her children. My husband gets angry when anyone mentions he is slightly different from everyone else. I'm all over the place with my thoughts and this post but I just need an outlet. I'm young and have been married for almost 9 years. I have my whole life in front off me but I feel like death, daily. I used to be so bubbly, happy, outgoing. Now all I feel is angst, sadness, anger and absolute hate for him. I cant stand him. It's so difficult I want to leave this horrible marriage but just feel so suffocated because nobody really understands how I feel and its difficult to describe. In fact nobody knows of my suffering. I've become the worlds best actor, I live like life is grand and I have it all but inside I'm dying. I haven't really spoken to him about his meltdown in the car in front of the kids. He would literally act like he hasn't done anything wrong even if I did. I'm not speaking to him atm, and he is being a total asshole about it and probably has some bizarre scenario in his head about me avoiding him as he always does. The harbldest part is he NEVER understands why or how his behavior impacts me or the kids. My daughter is very bright and a go getter but recently I've noticed her light is dimming and she seems cautious in what she does. No child deserves to feel that way. It breaks me knowing the kids will be affected by this. I'm just so heartbroken. I want out but just dont know how. He is controlling and just a soul drainer.I'm so conscious of what others think which affects me more.


Frida
10:10 PM
Sun 29th Nov, 2020

I'm deeply destroyed and tired of this new and long phase that I am living after breaking with an ASD. I feel that I have changed so much and my thoughts are rarely coordinated by my will. These partners are really able to break down levels of our sanity and our own lives - we never live the same way again and we don't feel present in our own bodies or existence. I know they don't know the impact and they don't suffer in the same situation, but I just hate it all. I read all the testimonials frequently and wonder if they are all brothers of my ex-partner. I try to put myself in their heads in all the situations described even though I know that this is impossible (because I'm EXTREMELY a NT). But a specific question is always spontaneous for me and I'd really like an answer from you: Why do Aspies, after the complete disconnection and breakup of a relationship, return in our lives? Sometimes they can disappear for months or years, without communication or a sign of life. But why do they return? If they don't remember us or don't really consider us, what do they think and why do they act to return in our lives? There isn't real bond or remorse, so what can explain this behavior?


Polly
7:15 PM
Sun 29th Nov, 2020

Linda, thank you so much for your response. It means so much to hear you describe something so similar. Sometimes the problem feels unique, because it is so outside the realms of my other relationships or the relationships my friends have. A 'horrible vicious negative feedback cycle' is exactly how it feels. He thinks I don't care about him/the relationship because I am scared to bring things up, I am scared to bring things up because he thinks I am the problem behind everything and we will not be talking rationally, and round and round we go. Thanks for showing me I'm not alone with this problem.


Flá
10:40 PM
Sat 28th Nov, 2020

Sometimes I have already written on this forum with a story similar to yours, @Utterly Confused. Me and other people experience the same situation as the "relationship without a name" or a lack of definition on the part of the partner Aspie due to pressure or other demands that consume their time. What I can say, in all honesty and after months of trying from personal experience, is that this situation will not evolve to another level. Simply the rigidity that you observe now will remain almost perpetual, regardless of whether you were engaged or not in the past. His conception of relationship isn't and will never be like his concept. I didn't make any progress on this and tried desperately, alternating my behaviors or communication. Nothing worked. And when he was free from our relationship, he just didn't want to make any effort to return. The more freedom they gain, the more of our space they consume. And they walk quickly while you're wearing out to rebuild something they don't see and maybe want to abandon right away. We aren't talking about balance, we're talking about sacrifices in which YOU ARE the sacrifice. We, NT, don't endure for a long time the uncertainty that isn't part of our love repertoire, of the examples we have as relationships. You can try for a while... but we're people used to creating bonds, establishing a future together with the people we love, we genuinely appreciate the company and we don't like to lose people. This isn't the case, of course, for ASD people. Unfortunately, the situation that these ASD partners demand is a complete adaptation of our concept of security and emotional stability, generating extreme anxiety and frustration. I know you don't want to lose all the plans you had for a while with your aspie, mainly because you're engaged. But remember the way he broke up with you (as mine ended up with me): abruptly, regardless of your needs or your existence. A month after the breakup, my ex was walking forward without any grudges. And today I'm rebuilding myself from this abandonment. So, do you want to continue walking in this uncertainty to be discarded again at his first opportunity for despair? Is it part of your future to walk on such an uncertain and scary path? I got rid of this "wait" and understood that I cannot live because of a person who isn't really with me. I need bonds and I need a real connection that gives me value! I'm like this and I don't accept to be treated in "airplane mode". I'm sorry for these people and the syndrome, but I'm even more sorry FOR ME and FOR US. Love isn't love if I have to cancel myself because of the difficulty of the other. Think of yourself, beyond the love you feel. You exist and deserve your emotional conquests.


Nadia
8:01 PM
Sat 28th Nov, 2020

"Utterly Confused", the reason your ex fiance needs down time and self isolation is because he wears a "mask" to hide his true self when interacting in the world. It's exhausting for the person with ASD. When the mask slips, that is when you see the real self. Everything else is disingenuous, fake, not real, a script. What comes naturally to the NT, is anything but, to the disordered ASP. This is a serious neurological and developmental disorder, no matter how high functioning the person with ASD is. Their emotional IQ is stunted anywhere from toddler age to around the age of 10, according to the latest research. Their Intellectual IQ may be normal or even high, but not so with the Emotional Quotient. We are dealing with children. That is another reason marriage counseling will never work. It is geared towards 2 adults in a relationship, and in the NT/AS marriage, there is one adult and one child. Absolutely impossible to have an intimate reciprocal relationship with an adult and a child. It cannot happen. It's very confusing in these relationships and that is one of the biggest reasons. We sense it. We need to listen to our intuition that is warning us.


Linda
7:08 PM
Sat 28th Nov, 2020

Polly - I went through the same dynamic. Nervous and flustered to broach subjects which had led to upset before, which just meant that I was perceived as the one with the problem, more argument, often resulting in his near meltdown and verbal and (once) physical abuse, leaving me shell-shocked and flabbergasted that this man, seemingly so articulate and high functioning in his career - on the phone daily wheeling and dealing with people all over the world - couldn't understand the nuances and mindset of his supposedly significant other. I'd be gaslighted and told what was wrong with me. He had no ability at all to see my perspective. Oh and then a few hours later acting as though nothing had happened! No idea that his words and actions had any lasting effect on me. It was a horrible vicious negative feedback cycle, that killed it for me. I'm in a relationship now where problems get discussed rationally - we can both take the other's perspective and achieve a mutual understanding and find a joint way forward. Just like it should be. The memory of Aspie communication / arguments haunts me still though and I check in here regularly to remind myself of the reality and not succumb to magical thinking! It's not you who needs to change. And they can't. It's a hard-wired cognitive impairment - mind-blindness and empathy dysfunction.


Aragorn's Demise75
3:27 AM
Sat 28th Nov, 2020

"Glad" to see some males on here that I can relate to, to an extent. I'm too afraid to leave any details of what I go through, but needless to say, it is the most challenging thing I have ever faced in my life.


Lina
10:44 PM
Fri 27th Nov, 2020

I'd like to thank, deeply, all the people who wrote me an answer to my comment the day before. This forum has the function of demonstrating that good people exist, especially those who care about our emotional issues. I appreciate you and encourage you to stick with your journeys! Really reading that other people have lived or live the same repulsion of people is something that has allowed me to be more comfortable with myself, especially at this very moment that I no longer recognize who I am. Being with someone in the syndrome changes our social interactions on many levels and also disfigures some of our best characteristics. I remember being so empathetic and open to communicating with new people, so energetic and curious... and these days, I just want to withdraw and hide from integration with them. I no longer have the patience to discover their inner world. I'm afraid that they will hide their psychopathologies from me and that I will be trapped again that I never expected. I don't want to give my life to people anymore. I'm currently in therapy and getting involved in many hobbies, as many of you have suggested. But my energy remains very, veeery low. Can I have been "vampirized" for so long by my partner? How difficult it's to think of true feelings from that point on. I hope to be able to break free from the paranoia that everyone is Aspergers. :(


Utterly Confused
6:45 AM
Fri 27th Nov, 2020

Hi All, I have been seeing my aspie ex fiancé since he ended it abruptly close to 9 months ago, we are pretty much in a relationship but "without the title" as something "mentally" is stopping him from making if official again (his not seeing anyone else and is still loyal I know that).... the wedding scared him and he realized he couldn't continue with his "mask on". He still loves me, wants me in his life (whenever I suggest maybe I should stop talking to him and leave him be his like no I want you in my life don't do that etc).....but something I have just realised is that he needs "quiet days" where he has his ups and downs and just doesn't want to talk/interact with any human and just zones out .... Is this common for people with Aspergers and if so why do they do it?


Polly
10:45 PM
Thu 26th Nov, 2020

I am in such a state of confusion, living with someone who is highly articulate and very focused on talking/arguing but who also seems unable to forgive or understand emotional processes in other people. We often fight about the fact that on occasion, I get flustered, shakey and upset when talking about things that have previously led to arguments. This is proof that I have a problem and am demanding support, not that we communicate in a way that makes me panic. We constantly argue about me avoiding difficult subjects, but I am used to arguments that go on for days and days and leave me emotionally bereft and hating myself. In a very difficult situation for him, I went quiet before comforting, feeling that there was a decent chance I would say the wrong thing, provoking upset. This has caused a massive rift because I was not supportive enough. Sometimes I feel like I am the one who doesn't understand how to behave in relation to other people. I want to change to make it work and can't.


putting the pieces together
3:49 PM
Thu 26th Nov, 2020

@Cat, how I understand, I was raised by a (still) undiagnosed aspie mother... My father died young, and was super empathic and caring but worked extremely long hours - probably to stay out of the house. My brother is textbook ASD and of course mother's pride and joy, despite his weirdness social awkwardness and extreme egotistical selfishness. What I"ve come to realise is that they both tried very hard to make me like them - no hugs, no kisses, bever heard the words "I love you", never talk about feelings. The topics of conversation were current events, my mother's childhood, her family members, and other people and how incapable stupid or inadequate they are. My mother hasnever made a mistake, of course. I was so deeply entrenched in their world and fantasies and narcissism that of course the world was a horrible place for me. I failed, I was hurt and I was heartbroken but didn't have their thick skin, and ability to always blame others for any difficulties. I had feelings, without having ever been taught that it's ok, that it's normal. After becoming a mother, I realised all the love and guidance and caring I didn't get, and everything slowly comes into place. I resented my mother, and sometimes still do, but I now know sge just can't bloody help it.


Roisin
5:59 AM
Wed 25th Nov, 2020

Oh, "stupid girl," my heart bleeds for you, but you are not stupid at all, because you got out of the relationship!! Please stay strong, and stay away, stay away! I haven't posted in a while, but always check in to read the testimonials, and to remind myself of my past, six year relationship, with an aspie, and to never ever "go there" or to a similar place, again. My aspie ex also blindsided me with physical force, throwing a seashell-laced wreath into my face and causing lacerations and some scarring. This was an unprovoked and sudden occurrence. There was virtually no apology, just promises to buy scar cream. I quickly made plans to leave, but it took several months to actually be able to get out. Years later, I couldn't be happier or healthier, even in the midst of this pandemic! Each morning, I breathe a sigh of relief. Please, please, please stay strong - many aspies are capable of inflicting not only emotional but also physical damage. For those of you who are able, my love and compassion -- if you feel that you have had enough, try to muster up the courage and strength to leave, even if it takes a while. May "the force" be with all of us who suffer with, or who have suffered in, relationships with someone with "high functioning" autism.


Bridgette Elizabeth
2:19 AM
Wed 25th Nov, 2020

Hi, Tiffany. I'm kind of in your situation but he was my third husband and I didn't realize his asperger's until I came back to live with him which was after our divorce. We were married for 9 years then my 17 year old daughter, his step-daughter, died. That's when I starting having affairs. That's how I coped with my grief because I had a man who was not only incapable of comforting me but actually asked me rudely what my problem was 2 weeks after her death. I would tell him before this tragedy that if anything ever happened to one of my kids I would no longer be able to tolerate him. I left him a year after when he decided to yell at me after I told him off for giving my other daughter a hard time about something so silly. I had 5 children before we married and we have one together. I really thought he was a good guy taking on me with 5 kids. My daughter died in 2013. I left in 2014. I came back in 2016, another story. I've been asking the same question you are? Our daughter is 15. Can I make it 3 more years? I left her once and she is the glue that is keeping me here. I have told him this so many times. Nothing I say helps. Whether it's loving or stern. My feelings for him have died as far as passion and romance. It's more like roommates. I'm 49 and I'm trying to enjoy my life despite this loveless, sexless relationship. If you ask him he would probably say he's fine with the relationship. It seems though that he doesn't understand and he doesn't care to understand what I have repetitively tried to tell him for years now. I would advise against an affair. You may end up with someone worse. Leave first before you start another relationship. I just hope I have the courage and health and finances to leave when the time comes. Take Care and try to enjoy life despite the relationship.


Lily
1:10 AM
Wed 25th Nov, 2020

Lina...amd everyone else. Remember: rejection breeds obsession. Every testimonial has the same underlying theme that the person who was in a relationship with an AS partner feels REJECTED (rebuffed, ignored etc). When we feel rejected, it consumes us in constant draining brutal rumination. We can’t piece it together. I only recently started feeling better. I work with my AS(S) ex so I still have moments where I feel rejected. And then I remember the hell amd odd behaviour. I remind myself that everyone notices his AS behaviour. I remind myself that he cannot change for anyone. And suddenly I don’t feel so rejected. For me- if I remind myself of these things, it not only takes the sting away but helps me refocus my attention towards better things. Lina, it will take time. You will heal. Time will help. Sleep, water, hobbies, family, dinner with friends...they all slowly help, along with therapy of course.


stupid girl
11:53 PM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

I am here to testify what can happen when you try to stand up to someone so deeply disturbed. What can happen when they are overloaded and you don't know it. I don't dispute they go through hell throughout their lives trying to navigate their way through a predominantly neurotypical world. Or at least they used to until it was recognized in the nineties. I severely underestimated the impact these experiences had on my my boyfriends life. The man I ended it with last night is 45 years old and from the minimal things he told me about his school years, he was thought to have adhd or some other problem. He would only drop pieces of stories about his prior relationships and described them as a series of one night stands gone bad. Although I thought he was gorgeous right from the start, he was not charming. Actually, alarming might be a better term to describe him. After seeing him a few times, I even commented he appeared "shell shocked"-like he had been through some great trauma that left him nervous and distraught. I figured out two months into our four month whirlwind that he was textbook aspergers. Right from the start I was almost obsessively drawn to him even though I knew it was a weakness in me and his horrible behavior that was creating this strong magnetic force. He said he had trust issues and dropped little examples of where he had been burnt in prior relationships. Of course this caused me to want to be the most trustworthy girlfriend he ever had. He took more and more advantage as time went on. I referred to him as a damage control guy-he would only swoop in and be nice to me when he saw I was ready to end things. I'm ashamed of what i put up with=the lies the stonewalling-the rejection. But when he would toss me a bone, as i called it, it was the warmest, sweetest love I had ever felt. I figured if I just was steady, trustworthy and loyal enough he would soften up. I'm only human and one night I didnt just accept his callous rude behavior. I turned into a typical pouting girl, packed my things but then decided not to leave because he couldnt care less. We did the typical circular argument however, when it came to verbal dissagreements I always had the advantage of words to express my feelings. He just used the typical name calling and insults. He pretended to fall asleep on the sofa when he ran out of ammo. I gave up and was tired as well so i went up to bed. Within minutes he came up and ordered me to leave his house. I said i was too tired to drive home and asked why he wasnt sleeping as well. He repeated i must leave but i just sat there. He snapped without warning and began dragging me to the stairs. I got free. He did it again. I grabbed the collar of his sweatshirt and started yelling his name to get his attention but he was not there. I was looking at a stranger that did not even see me. This time i fought him off and he actually flinched away and did not try again. I agreed I would leave but needed to find my smokes first. He helped me look for them. All was calm and we eventually found them and i was proceeding to leave. When i reached the top of the stairs, he pushed me so hard i never touched a step. Every horror movie i ever saw flashed through my mind. As i lay there gasping to breath at the bottom of the steps, he laughed and said "you should be more careful". This was not in the heat of the argument; this was passive aggression at its worst. Do not underestimate the pent up anger inside these people. It does not show on the surface. Moments before he started dragging me he didnt even look angry when i think back. I made it out alive and continued to talk to him for these last three weeks. After the first week, i was all but desperate to see him again but i would not return to his house to see him. He made no attempt to see me but offered his usual saying “you know where I am”. The only reason I broke up with him tonight is because i was sick of him rejecting me. Know there is something wrong with you to want to be with a man this warped. Stop whining about all their bad characteristics-they are what they are and dont profess to be anything else. There is a term for their condition and the resulting other behaviors that can be a result of it. Whats you're excuse? Get out. Get out now. You have no idea how traumatized they have been in their life and you have no idea if you will be the one to trip their breaker. Unless you are educated and he is willing to work on the relationship with you, you are feeding the monster and making it stronger. Its how they got this way in the first place. Mommy coddled them because they were picked on and had no friends. They learn how to be fabulous actors to fit in. Put those two factors together and you have a highly skilled narcissist. Mine was especially hateful of women. which i would imagine is not uncommon due to the difficulties in dating. I thanked my now ex last night for being mean one more time. I thanked him for finally setting me free. Stop trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole! Either leave them be and get out or if you have a willing one that's not too damaged, maybe you'll be able to create a little world the two of you can manage in. I do believe ones that were not humiliated and traumatized as bad are probably sweet and kind and workable to a degree. But careful around the old wise ones that couldnt care less if you were with them or not. Mine used to ask me why do i make myself cry all the time. He said this is who i am either take it or leave it. Who cares if they meant to hurt you or not, the result is the same. They will survive the relationship with you with minimal damage when its over. You, however, will be a mangled heap in the end. I almost became one literally. I can not tell you what went through my mind as I laid at the bottom of those stairs. Stop trying to change them and beware if you push too far. You really have no clue how thick that mask is that they wear. You think youve seen behind it, but thats just one layer. Stop making yourselves cry and stop torturing them as well.


Mouse
9:42 PM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

I too feel that finding out about ASD feels like now knowing about a dark creepy secret.... I hear stories, see people with possible ASD traits, and hear them tell stories about their seriously mentally ill close relatives...i also meet mentally ill people, who talk about partners who's choices and behavior seem very aspie like...i'm not saying ASD is the explanation for all mental illness, but i think it could be in a lot of cases, and people just don't no about it.. and if i start talking about it, with all the grief and worry it gives me, i would probably be considered another crazy person...again... In some cases it might be paranoia..just happy to know i'm not alone with the 'creepy' feeling... And about having an affair..i would think theres very little chance he will pick up on the normal clues, that a partner has distanced themselves, and might be getting their needs fulfilled elsewhere...maybe one good thing about being in a relationsship with somebody with ASD... other people might be better at picking up on it though, and might not be very understanding, unless people around u also sees he's bad sides....selfcare and healing might help too...best of luck!


Nadia
8:34 PM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

Tiffany, I know that anger! It's scary. I recently left a 4 decades marriage. Believe me when I tell you that the anger will leave eventually. You deserve to move on and you will realize that the anger will keep you stuck and you won't want to sacrifice anymore of yourself than you have already. For now, you need to feel and process that anger, but don't let it define your own sense of dignity, respect, and civility. Then, the power continues to stay with them. You will feel your power returning when you know deep inside that your anger is valid, but it is also a motivation to learn how to get back to who you are, who you want to be, and who you can be. Give no more to this relationship in any form. It's your turn now. Be who you could have been, who you were meant to be, and get there with your God given sense of dignity, respect, and civility. Lina, yes, I felt dead inside for years, decades actually. Couldn't stomach the thought of intimacy, not only with my partner, but with anyone. No desire, no energy. It's trauma. It will improve as you improve. It recently felt foreign to me to look at an attractive man and actually picture romance for the first time in forever. To actually want to feel that again. I feel the stirrings of my mind and body coming alive again, but only because I have worked to process what happened to me. And, it takes time and patience. And I'm old, lol, so there's plenty of time for you to heal and go on to have a wonderful, passionate life! It can and will happen. Take the time to process and learn from this now, so you can live life and love the way it's meant to be.


Cat
7:54 PM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

32 year woman here, raised by two undiagnosed aspies, I have no words for the anger I feel. I ended up with ocd, trichotillomania, social phobia, cptsd. But undiagnosed aspies are not to blame, because they, for their live, don't know what they are doing. Only if someone they respect as an authority figure tells them they are doing something wrong they can correct it, but if no one stop them to make them aware, there is no hope for the person affected by their behaviour. I think lots of testimonials in other forums about narcissistic parents are really undiagnosed aspies that developed narcissistic tendencies. I realised this year and realised that they didn't had empathy for me, they just felt something like guilt and pitty, but couldn't relate to me. Their main concern was that I won't die and that I did well in the academic stages, but to me it felt horrible shallow, like they were nevver really listening. I had to make a huge effort to my father to listen (never about feeling, just tópicos of conversation). Will try to continue later.


Bella
6:08 PM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

Lina, You are injured severely. It will take time, lots of time for you to heal. It seems very reasonable that you have no interest in pursuing another relationship and that you dont trust people. Your mind and heart are protecting you from further hurt. I’m having trouble with this also - I don’t trust myself to be able to recognize traits that are harmful to me in new people I might meet. It’s horrible to have a person who messed you up occupying a place in your head. It’s really hard to kick them out of your mind. It just takes determination and time. As you continue in your counseling to help you heal, perhaps focus on other aspects of your life and don’t pressure yourself to want to find someone new. Maybe you have career goals or a talent you want to develop? Putting some energy into those things can be very therapeutic. At least while you are concentrating on these things, it gives your mind a break from your painful memories.


Tiffany
4:28 PM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

Now what? 19 years in a very confusing marriage. Finally figured out ASD earlier this year. Husband fully accepts and agrees with diagnosis. I feel like I’m in a mental breakdown. EVERY cruelty now makes sense. All the neglect, odd comments, sensory issues. It is not that I have been unworthy of love all these years. It is that my husband isn’t capable of expressing love. I am mourning the loss of hope. How did you let go of the bitterness? I hate him. I want to ruin his life like he has ruined mine. I want to hurt him, make him feel like he has made me feel. I will never cover for his bad behavior again. I refuse to make excuses for how he acts. I’m too bitter to care if he wants to work on things. What’s the point? He will never understand my needs. I’m embarrassed that I chose him as a partner. So much shame in staying with someone who has done the things he has done to me. I’m 42, I need to get my kids into college. Can I just stay put for 5 more years? Do any of you start affairs? I am so lonely but can’t divorce just yet.


Aussie
9:34 AM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

To JENNY who wrote on 23 November So sorry to hear your story and the awful way you have been treated. Am so glad you have made that decision...it is right to care for yourself indeed your very life depends on it as you have just found out. God bless..praying for you to have a far better and happier future.


Lina
3:47 AM
Tue 24th Nov, 2020

Is it normal that I no longer feel the desire to have romantic relationships? I don't want to and I can't get to know anyone else.. I'm 29 years old and now I don't think about dating, marriage or partnership anymore. I feel stolen, a corpse, with no energy or hope in people. My relationship (2 years with an ASD) ended in a tragic and extremely traumatic way. He doesn't remember that I exist. I have been in therapy for months, but my ex partner lives in my mind.


Jenny
7:04 PM
Mon 23rd Nov, 2020

For three decades of marriage I have lived with an AS husband and finally I I knew last week that I am not going to take this any more and am leaving. It is such a relief to make the decision and this site has been so, so useful to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Last week I became gravely ill from very bad food poisoning virus and was running a big fever, unable to eat for six days and hardly able to keep water down or move from the bed. My husband hardly noticed and just said ' I have to work' ' I have to sleep' 'i'll get you some water once I've finished this (he is a programmer/geek). or 'I'm sorry you don't feel well. I have a zoom call in 10 minutes' Finally I called one of my artist friends and said please, please take to the Accident Emergency. When he saw the physical state I was in he was very worried indeed. After seeing the doctorsII asked not to be taken back home because I knew there was nobody there who had the faintest idea how to care - I would just feel totally alone physically and mentally so I couldn't go home. So now I am recovering in a large Victorian house with love, care, empathy, everything, oh I am too so lucky. That's enough for now _J


Yvonne
11:18 AM
Mon 23rd Nov, 2020

Lily, reading your message validated all of my concerns for my health. I have chosen to leave my relationship, I hope one day to be in a better emotional state like yourself too. I have developed my own personality and attachments disorders during my relationship with my ASD boyfriend. I'm less affectionate, I'm avoidant in my intimacy and I convince myself that I am fufilled. The rejection of my own needs was what made me realise I needed to get out- and the deterioration of my health also; which you also spoke about in your message. So thankyou for outlining the detriment emotional stress can be on our physical health. I have ironically become more distant and disconnected from my ASD boyfriend- once I craved all of the emotional connection that was just impossible to receive in this relationship. I no longer require the emotional reciprocity, I have denied it so deeply that emotional reciprocity feels foreign in this relationship. Emotional reciprocity is a skill I have naturally, as an empathetic and intuitive person it is shocking to see this gift fade and become dull during my relationship. I am ending this relationship so I can hold onto the ability to emotionally reciprocate. Please, if you're reading this, leave for your own self-preservation. Leave and cultivate what has been diminished in this relationship. Time to come back to yourself. love x


Elodie
5:58 AM
Mon 23rd Nov, 2020

@Nadia - 100% what you said. It's the 'what isn't there' - that took me so long to put my finger on and work out and then once I'd worked it out, spent so long trying to decide whether I was being unreasonable or not. I remember writing in my journal so many times that I'd lost sense of what was normal in a relationship. Thanks for your post, you put into words what many will be struggling with.


Lily
3:45 AM
Mon 23rd Nov, 2020

I'm sitting here in a much better place emotionally than I was a couple of months ago. I posted way back about my experience with an AS boyfriend. I have more good days than bad. I no longer doubt and wonder if it was actually me. I no longer feel rejected - because he doesn't have the capacity to reciprocate and so ANY woman would likely feel rejected, alone, CONFUSED, rebuffed, and frustrated. I work in the health care field and I meet people all day long who are in pain - usually physical and many who's pain (I believe) is part and partially due to psychological/emotional strain and pain. Now that I'm feeling a lot better about things, I realize how precious I AM TO ME. This means that it is important to protect my self because a few more years of life with my ASpie bf, truly would have led me to possibly end up ill, or even to end up with a personality disorder/attachment disorder. I really urge any person coming to this site, that if they are wondering if they should run - YES run. A lot aspies have an innocence to them like a boyishness that makes you second guess your thoughts. Someone else posted that she got sick of wondering if her partner was a bad person who sometimes did good things, or a good person who sometimes did bad things. Then as an NT, one ends up in this vicious unending cycle where most of your time is spent expending mental and emotional energy trying to figure every thing out, trying to fix things, blaming one's self, etc. That, and the rejection etc sum up what's in store for life with a partner who has AS. Please see yourself as a priority. Please take care of yourself and cherish your own heart and feelings.


Nadia
8:29 PM
Sun 22nd Nov, 2020

Hello All, As I continue to read on this site, it occurred to me that there are very valid damaging behaviors perpetrated against us by our partners, but I think even more important are the gestures missing from our partners. Having recently gotten out of a 4 decades long marriage, I am working on the damage that happened to my soul, my very being. However, I find it easier to process the abuses that I can label, for example, stonewalling, gaslighting, etc. In my opinion, the far more challenging damage came from the extreme neglect of my emotions, lack of support, and overall apathy of my most basic needs. To me, living with an ASD partner was akin to living with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at the least, someone with narcissistic styles. It wasn't so much what was there, but what was NOT. 1 year, 1 day, 1 month, is enough to damage anyone, but having spent decades living this way, I just want to caution those who stay, and/or reassure those who left, that nothing ever changes from the first day. Nothing. There will be no growth, no deepening of respect, understanding, or love. It is a perpetual cycle. It can only get worse because as a NT, you are designed to grow, experience, learn from, and repair, all of which gets thwarted over and over, while your partner stays at that stunted emotional quotient age, forever locked in childhood. We should all accept this gift of life and honor it to the best of our ability. Life is a blessing. We owe it to ourselves and others, to share the best of ourselves. We are not our authentic selves living like this; we are merely surviving. In healthy relationships, which I believe we should start our focus of study on, each partner lifts the other up in a way that enables the other to grow and thrive. I'm not just speaking of intimate partners here. We have no energy, emotional reserves left at the end of the day to cultivate anything after a day living with an ASD partner. It's no way to live. It really isn't. Please, spend a little time thinking about your value and worth. You deserve better. Let's live!


Cathy
8:54 AM
Sun 22nd Nov, 2020

Laura, having just read your comments I feel as if I'm going back in time, this is why this site is so therapeutic, there is literally nowhere that people can talk about this stuff. You mentioned that your partner talks about sex with his ex, that's what my husband used to do. So irrelevant and inappropriate. Plus comparing you with his ex, again, exactly what my husband used to do, it just made me so mad. He would go on and on about things that I'd done wrong until I wanted to scream. He brought the worst out in me and took great pleasure in embarrassing and humiliating me in front of people. Blatant lies to bolster his stories about me so I'd look extra stupid or ridiculous. Once we were having a meal with my aunt and uncle, I had just found out that a close family member had an addiction and although I shared it with my husband, I told him he was not to tell a soul as it was awful for the relative concerned. During the meal my husband blurted out that my relative had this addiction and how shameful it was etc. I sat with my mouth open and asked that we not talk about it, suddenly my husband said "If this gets back to anyone, I want it known that it was Cathy who told you and not me". My aunt and uncle were in shock and my husband swore blind that I had told them. When I quizzed him afterwards I was told to shut up, subject over. Madness. This is the crazy stuff I have dealt with over the years. I am so glad you have managed to leave him and even though you miss him now, believe me it's temporary, you won't miss the insults, gaslighting, nagging, threats and pedantic behaviour. Bless you and good luck


Cathy
8:23 AM
Sun 22nd Nov, 2020

Ah Rosie, your words are heart breaking to read and I really and truly feel your pain. You sound as if your spirit is broken. I have given my testimony earlier, I have been married for 30 plus years now to a man with AS and it has been Hell on wheels. He is sick now and I can't leave him. In the past I thought I couldn't leave because of the kids, I was afraid of standing on my own two feet and because of finances, every reason not to because I was an emotional wreck and it was easier to stay because I couldn't face the trauma. You see an abusive partner can do a great job on you. They have you believe you'd be useless without them. I couldn't make a decision to leave, although I desperately wanted to. My weakness made me despise my marriage more. What I know now is that you will have incredible strength to what is best for you, dig deep, you will find the courage to save your sanity and your future happiness. His bullying, gaslighting and domineering behaviour has made you believe that you are dependent on him, you were once single, happy and content. Do you have a confidante you are able to speak to? A trusted friend, relative, counsellor? Don't be his prisoner, for now you're a nervous wreck, but you can get help and support, don't be afraid to ask for help. If you want to leave, set your intention and do it, your marriage should be a loving partnership not a life sentence from which you think there is no escape. I look back at some of the trauma I went through and I think I must have mad to put up with it, if I could speak to my younger self I would tell her to pack her bags, walk out and don't look back.


Laura
6:03 AM
Sun 22nd Nov, 2020

Hi there, I came on here as I'm feeling alone and feel like I lost my sanity, I left my aspie partner a few days ago, he kept lying and contradicting and it made me question anything he said, everything would always be my fault or everyone else's but his, he would also compare me too his ex or speak about her sexually in what they did in the bedroom (no filter), if I dare did the same or spoke about my ex in anyway like that I will get a ton of grief, he would be very jealous he would twist my words for example "I need too go somewhere too fix my back it hurts so bad" (massage by a professional) " his perspective said that I said his shit and he's useless when I didn't say that, if I want too see my friend who I barely see that will be a issue even if I told him in advance so he can adjust, if I forget too tell him that I got my eye brows threaded last minute I will get called a liar, one time we was going on a walk and he started to put me down he said "it's the truth and honesty" if I don't agree too what he likes for example kids names, he told me "fine I get someone else pregnant who will like the names" I can never do anything right,anytime I say how I feel its either my fault for feeling like this and then I'm being put down for my nt ways, I feel like I'm screaming and that he can't hear me and my pain I cry every night I miss him, I wish we could fix all this but everytime I try and say how I feel he just goes on about what I've done that's bad such as me getting frustrated and annoyed when he speaks too me soo horribly, I always made effort too meet up and do things and I try listening too his rants and thoughts, he gets angry really easily I tried walking away as I though if I walk away he may stop, he got worse and threatened too push me in the water (I can't swim) he has no idea how all this and so many other things have made me feel, he says his hair dresser and friends knows his a good person with a good heart, I mean I know he can be a good person with a good heart, I know he has struggles I get that, but they don't see the other side of him that I do, I'm getting upset just writing this, I love this site so much it makes me feel less alone. I could write so much more but I leave it here for now, Thank you x


Rosie
2:30 AM
Sun 22nd Nov, 2020

He manipulates and controls me to keep me in his isolated bubble, a slave to his needs. He tries to isolate me from my friends so I do not experience ‘normal’ and am not tempted away. He ignores household responsibilities (bills, etc) but spends thousands on his obsessions. He struts about, governing and supervising me. He analyses at length every aspect of everything and has a meltdown if things aren’t quite right. He hides away from the world, which I must also do - in support. He tells me he is normal - and I am ‘difficult’. I must fend off visitors, and make excuses to cancel social invitations – both make him uncomfortable. His normal must be my normal. We haven’t had a holiday for years; holidays are irresponsible because he is always ‘up against it’ OCD’ing everything or working on his obsessions. He spends countless hours on his obsessions – I must accept the fob offs and lies when he tells me he is not. I must abide by and implement his rigid rituals and rules, as these are ‘normal’, my way isn’t. He has a meltdown if I don’t ‘get behind him’ I must give full attention to the hours of monologue lectures, none of my views allowed. I must let him OCD every aspect of our lives without me interfering, must not take on any tasks myself, and must not make any decisions because he knows best. I must accept the rages, melt downs, sulks, intimidation and verbal abuse that result if I don’t adhere to all of the above. He is never wrong. I live with permanent tension, anxiety, and the fear that results from the constant threat of his aggressive, explosive temper. I used to be a successful college lecturer with a management position. Underneath I am a creative, adventurous, sociable, intelligent human being – but he has stripped that all away. I am broken. Why don’t I leave him? Because we are in debt due to his inability to manage his finances, I have no money and nowhere to go..


Faczis
11:51 PM
Fri 20th Nov, 2020

I wonder if anyone has had the same experience as mine. After my (unprepared and naive) encounter with the ASD world and my ex-partner, I met several people who describe some people / friends / relatives as if they were on the spectrum. Parents of friends, school friends, life colleagues, neighbors... My head seems to explode with so many stories that people don't understand, but for me now it's so clear. Giving autism an explanation for these behaviors can always generate an offensive and hostile climate because we have been taught that they are ONLY "cute and different". I just hate it, I lose my energy with it. I feel like ASD is a dark secret among us and that few people access it - usually through pain. All these other people are hurt by the same "emotional damage", with no answers and deep ignorance about ASD. I don't want to judge or be a generalist, but I'm afraid of meeting more ASD people in my life for fear of the slightest damage they can do to me (even if I don't live in a loving way). I just don't want to be interested or know about their world anymore and I don't want to keep them close to my life. This is fair?


Anna-Jane
11:16 PM
Fri 20th Nov, 2020

@Bridgette - In answer to your first question, it's definitely 'yes' from me! I am the sister of a man who although undiagnosed, is almost certainly a Aspie (or the more I read, maybe has NPD!) Through childhood we were very close, although the way I communicate with him is very different from how I would communicate with anybody else. It sometimes feels like I am 'emotionally bilingual' if that makes sense? It is his way, or the highway and he still speaks to me like I am a child. He appears genuinely baffled should anyone contradict him! (I mean, why would they when he is always right?!) Any attempts at discussion are met with him launching into a rapid, often pedantic tirade and then 'so that's it - this is what we will do...' The only way to prove he is wrong about something, is to keep quiet, let his way fail and then allow him to announce 'this failed because......' (suffice to say, it has never yet been any fault of his!!!) "And so we will do it this way!" People who don't know him extremely well have no idea what he is really like as he is charming and can appear very caring and even humble. Even when people hear how he can behave, I must admit I get fed up when they said, "Why can't you just tell him / make him / change the way you do X, Y, Z" because they genuinely have no idea how futile that would be!


Bridgette Elizabeth
9:13 PM
Fri 20th Nov, 2020

Hi, Bridgette I don't understand it either. Rudeness for no reason. Damaging to our souls because it's done over and over again. Sending thoughts and prayers. Changed my name:)


Bridgette
9:07 PM
Fri 20th Nov, 2020

I look on the testimonials just about everyday. To my surprise I see a testimony from me. Just want to let you all know the Bridgette that posted Fri. Nov 20 is different person than Bridgette, me, that posted Tues. Nov 17. Maybe I'll change my name here lol. Anyway, I'm Bridgette from Michigan. Have a good day all.


Bridgette
7:54 AM
Fri 20th Nov, 2020

Has anyone experienced their own emotional and communication skills decline in the process of making your life with your aspie compatible? I have been with my partner for the past 2 years, we live together. I've come to the conclusion that this relationship is not sustainable. He can say the most hurtful things, but can also be sweet and genuine, (I think genuine). Until he says another hurtful comment, and then I think "is he just masking and mimicking me when he isn't rude?". When I say rude, he once attempted to reassure me: "maybe they don't care" in response to me sharing a vulnerable moment with him "why do my friends not ask me about my experience with chemo medication" You may be thinking now that "rude" isn't the term to use- that moment was deeply hurtful but that was over a year ago now and I should have taken that remark as a sign, and not a reason to probe further. It's hard to say good-bye to someone you love, but it is harder to lose yourself and grieve for the strong and spirited person you were before this relationship. Leaving a relationship during covid-19 is scary, searching for the housing market right now is scary. But I have to be strong. Send me your Goodluck and thoughts. Love x


Flá
5:01 AM
Wed 18th Nov, 2020

@Susan, for the readings I took this week for cognitive deficits is the fact that the speed with which they transmit information from one cerebral hemisphere to the other proves to be abnormally high, impairing the way it's processed. This speed in the transmission of information can make the individual perceive the tips and emotional clues and make mistakes in reading the situations, responding to them without reflecting. Since these two brain regions of ASDs are less able to send information and respond correctly to them, competition between the two hemispheres makes it difficult to understand and produce language. The interesting part: the lack of communication between the cerebral hemispheres causes these individuals to develop "a double personality", a kind of "The Doctor and the Monster" effect. Surely there are still others deeper mechanisms in the brain that explain how they also regulate behaviors or manipulate depending on the response and interest in the person generating the situation. (Masking and camouflage - the time when they're most kind and pleasant - usually occurs at the beginning of social interaction because they do it as a mirror for other people. But it isn't supported for a long time because it requires energy and high cognitive investment).


Lynne
4:58 AM
Wed 18th Nov, 2020

Susan, I get everything you have said. Have been married over 30 years. Husband has A. I feel like I am the one going mad. My husband can be really lovely and then, out of nowhere, Dr. Jekyll appears and he is with me for a couple of weeks. Has no idea how upsetting he can be, No empathy. So much worse over the last few months. I am actually struggling with him. Only compensation is, not just at me. One of his friends wives told me that he had been quite abrupt and verbally out of order to him. He is aware of hubby’s condition but.....after all these years I wish I could toughen up.


Vicky
2:36 AM
Wed 18th Nov, 2020

Susan - I had a realization this morning. I ended my 21 year relationship and thinking about our years together completely shifted when I realized something. My memories of our wonderful (my word) times together were seen by each of us in completely different ways. Therefore, I decided in order to see situations with an asp partner as anything other than your own perspective is all you can do. I know he will "not" remember our times in any way resembling the way I do and it was rather enlightening for me to see it this way. This means I don't see him as dr. jekyl or mr hyde but more as someone that just reacts/responds in way I can't relate to and won't ever understand. That way I take it from a non personal perspective (easier now that I left) and it doesn't seem to hurt any more. I almost feel sorry for him because he will never truly enjoy anything with his tortured "nothing is ever good enough" mind.


Bridgette
11:41 PM
Tue 17th Nov, 2020

Hi, Susan. That's exactly how I described it for years until I searched things he was doing and it came up aspergers syndrome. Jekyll and Hyde. Hyde will come out from something as menial as a simple question, a question that shouldn't cause such a rude reaction. He doesn't shut down for weeks, though. He does the opposite. When he's rude and verbally abusive, very often, sometimes in only a half hours time he will come around me trying to hug me as if he wasn't the abusive monster a short time ago. I resist of course and point out what he did just a short time ago and that I don't want him touching me but it never seems to register in his mind as he stares at me like I'm the one with the problem. My feelings for him are caring for him as a human in my life but as far as being in love. He killed that in me.


Elodie
8:10 PM
Tue 17th Nov, 2020

@Susan - oh the Jekyll and Hyde thing - I can totally relate to that. In the early years I used to be happy when the nice side appeared because it meant things would be easier for a while. As the years passed I started to like it less because I knew it wouldn't last and it felt so fake and also I found that the mood of the whole house would be dictated by his moods. As soon as he swung into happy mode, we were all allowed to breathe a sigh of relief and get on board. Got so sick of it in the end. Also @Vicky - I have found your posts so helpful and comforting. Reading through, I could really relate to a lot of what you were saying. I was so happy to find you have found peace and happiness - and I am happy to say I am taking steps in that direction too. xx


Susan
9:20 AM
Tue 17th Nov, 2020

Why do Aspies have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality where they switch from almost too nice to completely abusive? Sometimes all it takes is to do one thing they don't like for them to have a meltdown and abuse you verbally or physically and then give you the silent treatment for weeks. Keep in mind you never know what might cause them to have a meltdown so you're always walking on eggshells around them. But then there's other times where they seem caring and nice... almost TOO nice and caring... Is that all an act?


Flá
12:03 AM
Tue 17th Nov, 2020

After the end of my traumatic relationship with an ASD partner (which everything was deeply horrible), I started to investigate my personal causes for getting into these situations. I had other relationships with narcissists and realized that my life was spent with years dedicated to parasitic people. I found a book by luck and decided to buy it. The title is "Women Who Love Psychopaths: How to identify men with personality disorders and get rid of an abusive relationship" by psychiatrist Sandra Brown. Developing reading was scary because I didn't expect to recognize so many traits identical to those of my ex-ASD in this book. The similarities in the pathologies were in all the situations described! This reinforces my thinking and other readings of scientific articles that autism and narcissism are neurologically very connected, similar even in shared origin. I really liked the fragments because it summarizes important points to think about when we are suffering for a partner inserted in a psychopathology/syndrome. I'd like to give an example to the forum: 1) We are not strong enough to "overcome" his genetic propensity for pathology. 2) We are not going to repair his genetic problem "with love". 3) We will not correct his neurological changes with "understanding". 4) We will not improve his neurobiology "through prayers". It is quite likely that a person on the spectrum of low consciousness disorders has a combination of associated mental disorders. This not only makes it more complex to try to maintain a normal relationship with someone who has this serious condition, but it also increases the risk of lethality for the partner exponentially. The greater the number of mental problems a person has, the greater the risk of damage from the relationship.


Darcey
7:27 PM
Sun 15th Nov, 2020

Something to help those who are in that frame of mind consisting of doubt, wonder, is it really Asperger? May e its me? Confusion, confusion, etc. If they are truly Asperger and even if undiagnosed Asp, they have a fixed set of characteristics that will not change. Their brain is hardwired in a different way. Their amygdala is different. They have different brain pathways and processing that are fixed. And so to is the onservations of lack,of empathy, mindblind to others and little or no ability to see anoers internal world, (A key component to relationships, interpersonal reciprocity, and building trust ) Their processing is different. They often excel at things that require organization, systems and order, however they do not excelling things that require emotion, inference or knowing what wrong bc they “know you se well”. They dont know you. They are bisual thinkers and cannot guess how you feel by the grimace on your face or tone in your voice. They remove emotion from their life in a sense to be more efficient and look at people who are emotional as irrational beings. Most of them suffer from fairly severe anxiety and controlling their anxiety is what drives their actions. There is an immensely helpful set of YouTube videos by Mark Hutten, MA. In fact it is the only information, a series of mis and short videos, that will allow the women who write in these pages to let go if they need to. It’s really a matter of what kind of life do you want to have? Asperger humans have things that they can and cannot do. The cognitive rigidity is almost impossible to change and the wiring cannot be changed, the way they process the world and information and the relationship in it is not malleable.


June
5:13 PM
Sun 15th Nov, 2020

I have in unusual story and it’s only been due to a ‘marriage break’ that I have realised my husband may have HF ASD ( Aspergers). We have been married for 21 years with 3 kids. My life is my normal. I suffer from depression, anxiety ( at times), thyroid issues, codependency and low self esteem. I used to be passionate and full of life, inspired, grateful, kind and considerate of others..... Now, age 44...I’m tired, seldom laugh ( unless with others), feel I can’t do anything right, unmotivated, no purpose, unsure of myself, I feel ugly, unattractive, uninspired, often unloved.. I love my kids dearly ( and they give me great joy - ages ). My husband is a good man and my issues could easily be ‘my issues’ and not a reaction/result of his behaviour ( I’m not a psychologist..). I’ve written a list of his behaviours that seem to stand out... Defensive, never wrong, can’t take a joke, happy to insult/joke at others expense, says odd things ‘I told my boss off today!’, very negative, very oppositional, often an angry tone or goes from zero to angry very quickly, anxious, adverse to change, others are at fault, needs alone time, no close friends, doesn’t keep in contact much with family, no compliments, not grateful, seems arrogant at times, know it all, can go off on tangents especially when we have friends over - they often don’t know the subject or can’t get a word in ( it’s embarrassing! - and if I gently discuss it with him later he gets angry, defensive...), competitive of ailments ( if I mention I have a headache he has one or a stomach ache too...). He has said some nasty comments over the years...I told him I was having a mammogram and biopsy on a breast lump, he replied with ‘and a hypercondriac test as well?’ We talked about planning our funerals etc a while ago and I asked what he wanted, he said he didn’t really care ( atheist) he just said scatter my ashes over ...... mountain that will stick it to the (racist comment) people’. Seriously! Who thinks like this? If he talks to his relative, I’ll ask how they are - he will reply with ‘ I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening’ The good he does.... loyal, helps around home ( must mow lawns - won’t train kids), I do financials, insurance, holidays - he just can’t seem to do it, understand or care ( I have tried), he’s company, father of our 3 kids. We do have intimacy 1+ times per day ( 70% my initiative). It used to be 3 times per year, due to my lack of interest. The intimacy gives me closeness that I desperately need ( serotonin hit). Earlier this year I initiated a break (as far as I was concerned it was over). I touched base with a platonic friend and after 6 weeks we met up - he offered to drive down and catch up, I was very attracted to him ( mutual), we talked, had some fun - it went well. He started to open up about his own health concerns... anxiety, insular, stimming, very intelligent, adverse to change, cried when overwhelmed, son has ASD.... Turns out I had gone from one undiagnosed Aspie to another....OMG! His HF ASD was a lot more severe ( than my husband) but he was stunning, caring, charming, I’d known him 4 years ( mainly via messages with a few platonic catch-ups)....in the end I was ghosted and blocked. Too much too soon for him ( I fell hard), he had told me when we were friends he was still getting over a past relationship ( that he had discontinued), he’d had several relationships and a traumatic childhood. I am guessing he had co-morbid conditions with his ASD as he could be very quick to anger. After that painful disaster ( that I am still recovering from) I couldn’t cope with it ever happening again so I went back to my husband - ‘better the devil you know’. Since then I have researched for weeks....months to get understanding of ( at times myself...) but also HF ASD. I have also read up on ‘Cassandra Syndrome/Phenomenon’ the ASD partner with low esteem who feels unheard as she/he battles through the partnership with their ASD partner. Others see the ASD person as a good person without flaws where as the partner experiences the ASD’s true personality at home ( where the ‘mask’ is off). So that’s my story... Thinking of you all, I understand ❤️


Anonymous
3:45 PM
Sat 14th Nov, 2020

Posted many times, embarrassed to give my name as I’m still in same situation my ASD husband s behaviour is becoming more child like ... used to amuse me to some extent, but now it’s pathetic he’s a grown man of 55!! I know without you all saying ... but I guess I know I need to do something Keep thinking it will improve or not get worse !


Cindy
5:45 AM
Sat 14th Nov, 2020

I'm not sure what to do anymore, I was ghosted out of a 4 year relationship with someone on the spectrum. The day before I was told how wonderful I am and that they wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. When strange behaviors came up I would try to hold them accountable for the ways it made me feel. I was told that that was not okay to say. I was told that if I felt the way I did then we should break up. I was told we are going to counseling or we are breaking up which I accepted and was still blocked and ghosted. And I was told that I was the bad guy for saying that the situation was getting blown out of proportion. These situations happened on occasionally and I was usually ditched for days without resolution or knowledge that the relationship wasn't over. I have been ghosted for months now and it hurts so bad, and they seemed to have just moved on with their life like nothing happened. All I wanted was to love this person, and to be treated with respect. I want them back, But I also am afraid that these behaviors will never stop. Where is the person who would help me fix these issues, Console me when I was upset during an argument, and take responsibility for their actions? By the end of our last talk, they told me that the last 4 years were the the worst of their life. Even though I was only told how much I helped them be better and that I made them very happy, and that I was the best thing that had happened to them. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?


Vicky
4:59 AM
Sat 14th Nov, 2020

David - I respect your stance on not giving "advice" or playing "therapist". I think what most of us women do is validate and give our own similar stories to help other women/men not feel like they are alone. We know very few therapists understand our situation (none in my area) so we really need someone to hear us. I spent 21 years with my asp and it was such a difficult journey trying to understand him and find a way to make him happy that I drained myself. Listening from others that lived or are living my life was so refreshing and if there is anything I can do to help someone in a similar situation, I will do so. I am being more selfish by loving myself and staying single but I will still do anything to help someone else, it is just my nature. The only difference now is I have more understanding and clarity. I would be grateful if I can pass that along to ease someone else's pain.


Tuppenceworth
6:13 PM
Fri 13th Nov, 2020

@Elodie. Thanks for your message, it’s pretty uncanny we really are going through very similar circumstances. I read back through older posts and I noticed some of yours which are the very same as mine, just written two months earlier. Journaling is what I have to do. I still somehow think there’s a possibility that me expecting more has caused all of this. My mother pretty much said to me this week, that I don’t matter now, I have to look after my kids and my husband. Elodie Id love to get in touch. I’m not in London but a fellow European until Christmas anyway ;)


Rachel
9:44 PM
Thu 12th Nov, 2020

I am astounded to read my story over and over on this site. I am wondering what I will do. My husband of 16 years has not been diagnosed with ASD, but we are working with a therapist ; we assume that he is on the spectrum. My recognition that he has ASD is quite new; I keep asking myself why I didn't realize. We are 71 and 70, respectively. My husband has learned how to mimic many neurotypical responses. As a result, I thought his behavior resulted from being a very linear thinking and having a terrible temper. When we met, he was very romantic and patient; softly spoken. He appeared to empathize with me when I told him about my experiences in a past abusive marriage. He began to change after we married. He is not at all romantic, hates celebrations such as birthdays and Christmas, has no friends, and has been domestically abusive towards me for many years. We rarely go out. I moved to the USA to marry him; it's been up to me to make friends and carve a social life, however, I feel still alone. Intimacy went out of the door in the first year of our marriage. He suffers from ER, and while I empathize with this and don't see it as the cornerstone of our marriage, he does not like to touch me and I rely on our dogs for any tactile needs. His meltdowns are appalling; I see them as rage/temper tantrums. It's terrifying. He's broken things, thrown things at me. He used to tell me repeatedly that he will change, is always apologetic. I had spinal surgery last year; his treatment of me while I was unable to move, caused me to breakdown. The visiting nurse was concerned about me, and contacted a social worker. Acting on their advice, I saw a pscyiatric nurse practitioner, who helped me with medication. She saw my husband, and told him I was vulnerable. He seemed to agree with her; but he reverted back to being rude and uncaring within a day or so. He has changed now to be very brazen about his anger, and distespectul treatment of me; calling me names and showing no care. He tells me every few days that he is leaving. When we talk about this to his therapist; there are some things he says, he won't discuss. I try to do all I can and more at times to gain some credit with him; but he is unappreciative and entitled. I feel trapped. I stay because I am afraid I won't cope alone. I do not have good health. I have Complex Post Traumatic Strees Disorer, arising from an abusive childhood; I don't have the confidence to leave at my age. I am relieved in some strange way to read what others have written here; from what I've read, I can see that my husband can't change and that I need to think about what I can do to make my life peaceful. I have felt suicidal at times. I thought a lot of what was going on in my marriage may have been my fault. I have had therapy for my CPTSD and I do have some life-sacing skills; but I can't break free. I feel cheated; sad that I've wasted so many years on this unfeeling and cruel man. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I will continue to work on a way through all this. Does anyone have any suggestions?


Flá
9:32 PM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

@Bianca, your story is exactly mine. The only difference is that I wasn't engaged (almost!) and my ex-ASD wasn't an engineer, but a mathematician. The point of our collapse was also his doctorate abroad, in which he didn't understand that the romantic life could contribute or even walk in parallel with his studies. And even after the abandonment that he created me in the worst possible circumstances, I tried to be understanding and stay in communication with him at a distance. In the end, I was getting so intoxicated and couldn't experience a fair process with myself. I felt myself swallowing poison from my own hands. I was feeling emotions for him the moment we communicated, but he wasn't. And he was following his life naturally and quickly, just having me as an object on the shelf with which he could talk whenever he chose. There wasn't healthy exchange or hope between us, as some neurotypical couples do. I think more that you are functioning as a guarantee, a routine attachment that it's difficult for him to have no more. He'll not give you value or recognition because you're present, after all, he clarified that studies are the most important. I insisted for 3 months and only received rudeness, lack of understanding, decreased priority even in relation to unknown people that he preferred to keep in touch with the new doctorate. You're simply seen as an anchor, but not as special or that will be resumed in his life at a better time. That better moment, in my view, doesm't exist for them. The best time for them is related to their goals, the things they want to pursue and that does not mean maintaining affective or human interaction as a priority. In the end, I left completely injured and had to cut it for now. I had no mental and emotional capacity to deal with a robot that he had become - after the end, he simply lost all of the most admirable characteristics. He made no effort because it was no longer interesting to him. I know it's hard to do what I'm going to tell you, because I also suffered as if I was being a murderer, but... I didn't see another chance. Reading the book about CoDa, I understood that I'm not the only one responsible for maintaining someone in my life, especially when the other person has a manipulative or thankless mental condition. The other person has to be very aware of the effort he has to make, ASD or not. Doesn't matter. You cannot be the global foundation of a relationship. I couldn't either! And do you want to be that person he chooses every other day? Either you are saved or you are swallowed forever in these uncertainties while he feels nothing. It will be very difficult... I also cannot improve emotionally because I miss the person I fell in love with. But slowly I'm killing this mental delusion and trying to think that my life will be healthier without a mental disability tormenting me to do everything myself. I hope you love yourself and take care of yourself. You are more important than him and his studies, aren't you? <3


Joy<
7:55 PM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

@Bianca. I was in the same place 10 years ago. My partner relocated with work not long after we got together, so for the first year we saw each other every weekend and spoke often. There was lack of commitment, awful communication and he has also said that he couldn’t be himself with me. That hasn’t changed. Because he hadn’t had any long term relationships previously (we were in our mid 30’s), I put the behaviours down to lack of experience. He too can only do one thing at a time (and that thing is always self focused). He has never opened up on an emotional level and says he shows he cares by ‘doing’ things. 10 years and 1 (ASD) child later (its genetic)...I seem to be in the same place as @Elodie and @Tuppenceworth. Our relationship went down hill very quickly after having our child. The only emotion he shows is anger. It’s like living with a cardboard cutout most of the time. In fact, I think I’d prefer a cardboard figure now. Hugging a bit of board would release a similar amount of Oxytocin. I’ve had a lot of shouting directed at me. I now know these to be ‘melt downs’, followed by ‘shut downs’. Nothing ever resolved, never an apology. I’ve lost my self confidence and my mojo. Emotionally drained. It’s an odd predicament to be in. I’m with a nice, reliable, respectable person. Yet he’s nearly sapped all the joy from my soul. More recently I’ve mentally left the relationship. I’m not quite ready to physically step away. I can already feel my confidence returning. I’m not going to tell you to leave. But please have a jolly good think about you want/expect from a relationship long term.


Clare
7:05 PM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

carmella and dmc, thanks for the replies, I think he does get stressed with work, as he's had some physical symptoms of stress lately, but never actually says he's stressed. Bianca, I think from what I've learnt in a short space of time, that a.s people are overwhelmed with the effort it takes them to maintain a relationship and they seem to be terrified of labels (ive actually read that too) for them, just saying they are in a relationship is to us like committing to a marriage. I've made sure we've had the sexual exclusivity chat, but apart from that, it helps me to just think of us as good friends who are slowly developing some sort of relationship that may last, may not. Yes we deserve more, but if we really like all the other aspects about somebody and they cannot help how they are, its hard to give up on them, I know. Hope that helps.


Alex
3:56 PM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

Hi all, in my opinion an ASP person doesn’t understand a relationship the same way we do. So is not useful or safe to expect to be treated with care and respect even if they say they love, care… or whatever word they use. When they seem to not care, is just like this, they don’t care. And it will not change in the future. In my experience there is a conscient desire or need for not compromising. My relationship ended many months ago, but I’m still struggling to understand what happened to me, why I was so stucked into a relationship so unfulfilling, to say briefly, to me. And why I can’t get her out of my mind. Therapy is helping. Thanks to all of you talking about co-dependency and trauma bond, it helped me to see some things about me and go for professional help. Please, read about trauma bond. So ask yourself what do you expect from a relationship and what are you getting now. And have crystal clear that what you are not having now, for sure won’t appear in the future. I have also been there. There is never going to be the day when your ASP will turn to you and say the magic words you always wanted to hear. That just won’t happen. They don’t feel this way and are unable to communicate emotions they don’t have, don’t understand or just overwhelm them. There is not much chance to “work on a relationship” with an ASP. At most you can negotiate some aspects. They work with priority lists depending on the current interest, and humans with our feelings and emotional needs are not set into a special category. We are just like duties, hobbies, pets, objects… So be clear about this, what you have now is how your relationship is going to be. Unless you are discarded without further explanation.


Bianca
2:59 PM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

Hi All, I need some guidance. My fiancé ended things 8 months ago because he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know how to just call the wedding off itself, but we have continued seeing each other since then. He is currently doing uni (engineering) and his unable to concentrate on more than 1 thing so he hasn't had the mental capacity to think about making us official again as his focused on uni. We see each other weekly, talk frequently, he says he loves me. he has an issue with communication which his working on His been diagnosed with Aspergers back in 2016 and has ADHD on top of that + clinical depression. He says he doesn't know what the future holds and we could get back together but its going on 8 months & I don't know if its just me getting extremely inpatient and not knowing where I stand but should I continue trying? Whenever I have said I will leave him alone to give him space as I might be distracting him, he always says no its okay you're not distracting me so whenever i give him an out sort of thing he doesn't take it. I tell him I think its because I am apart of his routine and his just used to having me around so his just "stringing me along" but he assured me he is not and his just alot going on with uni so he can't full focus on making us offical. His 100% aspergers with his lack of communication, non affection, no filter, laziness (Note I did not see any of this until we broke up as he was "masking" the majority of our relationship which was 1 year). We fell in love hard and got engaged rather quickly and he admitted he couldn't be "who he was" as he didn't think I would accept him even though I have assured him i have accepted him the way he is. It is just so frustrating with not knowing where I stand as whenever I do bring it up he either changes the subject/ignores my text message as he "doesn't know what to say or how to act when it comes to talking about emotions". He shows me he cares in his own way and is obsessed with his cats (he feels like they don't judge him like other people) but his very non emotional (he didn't cry when his father passed away) due to him getting that Cognitive Therapy and instead of using it to help him open up, they used it to help him "shut down" his emotions. Sorry i think i am just rambling as no one else understands, they all say just cut him off but i know that we do have love between us and we can actually go good, the break up was so out of the blue as he didn't know how to bring it up. Should I keep giving it a go or could it be possible that in the future he has another meltdown and is like, nope i can't do a relationship again sort of thing?


Jane
1:15 PM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

Hi All, I know that one of the traits of an Aspergers person in the dating relationship is that they may be clueless on how to go about the relationship. How do you know the difference between a neurotypical person who didn't have much experience with girlfriends and someone who actually has Aspergers? Thanks


Flá
3:38 AM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

I feel like my relationship never ends. Even if the relationship really ended 5 months ago (with only 1 month without contact). My mind remains so disturbed by the lack of recognition that it never came. It's horrible to want him to return with minimal awareness of something that has happened. I'm always saddened by the memories of a man that I valued so much and that every day I wonder if it really was or existed. I liked him so much, but today I cannot say about a characteristic of him that I liked. It's a hole to affirm anything in history. The problem with all this is that I have been intensely blocked with COVID in Brazil for months, after months also in Italy. I haven't had contact with close, real people since last year. I cannot see my friends and the internet is insufficient to strengthen the links. After the relationship trauma I don't want to meet anyone for dating, but I'd like to meet to make new friends. The problem is that I have so much trauma that I can't move towards something new. I don't want to use apps because I have the feeling of meeting thousands of Aspies or problem people (my ex was in a language app). I'm so scared that I'm afraid to find him using the same app as mine, for example. He's a robot that doesn't give up on carnage and resources. What is the suggestion to generate movement? I'm taking care of myself, I do therapy, I walk, I study, I have my projects growing... but it's insufficient after so long without human contact and after a toxic, miserable and indifferent relationship. :(


Carmella
3:25 AM
Wed 11th Nov, 2020

@Claire, I’m sorry no one responded to your post. My husband began doing that “rough play” out of the blue too. Not as serious as pinning me down, but squeezing my leg and pinching me. He had never done that before. It was part of a personality change he had while enduring a tremendous amount of stress at work. Other things were odd about how he acted with me too. He was having a mental breakdown. I know this for a fact. Stay close and do your best to communicate with him that this behavior is not ok, and you’re concerned about where it’s coming from. Good luck.


Laurie
10:31 PM
Tue 10th Nov, 2020

I don't buy the codependency label either. Unless you want to use the definition of it as "trying to make the abnormal normal." Sometimes I think these people just have a seared conscience and I'm supposed to build a life here. No thanks!!! I simply want to and have to remove myself from the equation.


Laurie
10:28 PM
Tue 10th Nov, 2020

Here is an old quote for you, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Also, my favorite definition of intuition is "knowing without knowing how we know."


David
6:25 PM
Tue 10th Nov, 2020

I check in now and then, and I don't comment on individual posts because I don't feel comfortable giving advice on an individual level. I will say, however, that a lot of the characteristics being mentioned are obviously not good for any relationship- whether they are attributed to Aspergers, NPD, or some other personality trait becomes unimportant to me. Most of the time these problems are not correctable, as much as we would like to think otherwise, and the best one can hope for is to recognize them early, and then leave. I know, easier said than done, especially if you are married with kids. If we are experiencing self-centered and non-reciprocal behavior in our partners, which is the common thread in most of these posts, we need to look more deeply into ourselves and ask why we wanted someone like that in our lives in the first place. Perhaps they had their mask on, and we didn't realize it at first, or perhaps their "quirkiness" was endearing and made us ignore the warning signs, but eventually the warning signs painfully reveal themselves. I believe that whatever the underlying cause for these behaviors, whether it's Aspergers or something else, we shouldn't try to be therapists. In my experience, therapists themselves aren't very good at diagnosing Aspergers, and if they do, therapists tend to legitimize and enable these behaviors, not improve them. We need to muster enough courage and self-respect to recognize when our partners are hurting us, when our boundaries have been irreversibly crossed, and then we need to move on. It's hard, but necessary, if we are to survive. A little selfishness is sometimes necessary to deal with someone else's selfishness, whatever the cause. The contributors to this forum are, by definition, not selfish people. That is why we find ourselves in a situation in which we continue to give, but receive nothing in return. Perhaps it's time to be a little more selfish.


Janet
7:48 AM
Tue 10th Nov, 2020

Wow am I ever grateful to have found these testimonials. I feel like everything else on the web that deals with dating an Aspie is "the benefits of dating someone with Aspergers" which does nothing but make me feel terrible for not being able to handle it. It's been a few years off and on for us. But this last time back on has been a real eye opener. I've let go of trying to find that first man that I met and fell in love with. He left after about a year. And what a shift it was. It was not just your normal honeymoon period wearing off. He turned into a completely different person. Of course if I ever brought it up I was gaslit into thinking I was crazy. But ya Like so many of you on here I thought I had found the perfect man. I couldn't believe my luck. He was handsome and neat and quirky and honest and kind. He treated me like gold. But that sure changed. Now he's cruel and moody and defensive and argumentative and selfish. I'm walking on eggshells. I do everything for him and get nothing back. I feel completely alone. But I'm going to leave him again and not look back. Thank you to everyone on here for sharing your stories and helping me cope. It's nice to know I'm not crazy. I'm terrified to date again as I'm scared this will happen again. After all, what were the signs? He came across as the perfect man. But honestly, I don't even care if I meet anyone. I'd rather be alone and free, than alone and in a cage.


AClark
2:15 AM
Tue 10th Nov, 2020

I have been married 3 yrs and dated for 1 year before marriage. He is undiagnosed and driving me insane. He love bombed me for 2 years. Then it stopped and the nasty attitude and mood swings hit. I feel like I need to strap on armour before he comes home from work. Eggshells are plenty to walk on. My son had a psychotic episode unrelated to my situation, no comfort or concern for me or my adult child. My mother died 6 months ago, still no comfort or support. My family lives in Texas and I live in Wisconsin. So I feel very alone. My husband and I have alot of friends we ride motorcycles with and some kind of sense he's different. I just recently talked with a few of then about it. He puts up a charming social front but as soon as we get home he can change into a complete asshole. I talk to him about finances and it's like he doesn't get it. I take care of everything. Money, house repairs, yard work, housework, etc. Granted, I'm unemployed right now. But it seems like he doesn't care about anything but himself and his own interest. I don't even talk to him anymore about anything. I keep to myself. I don't feel comfortable really talking to our friends because I don't want to seen like the bad person because he's 'so sweet'. I'm looking for work and my only way to save myself is to make plans to leave. I have been in abusive domestic violent relationships in the past. Stayed single for 18 years. I thought he was different. He definitely is! My adult children and grandchildren like him but he hasn't reached out to connect with them. But he will claim the title. My kids understand what is going on. I feel like I'm going insane some days.


Daina
10:09 PM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

Hi All, how can you tell if someone is shy vs someone with Aspergers? For they both don't do eye contact well, may be reserved to show physical affection and poor at communicating. Also how do you differentiate a neurological person who has a personality that is unaffectionate vs someone with Aspergers? I am dating someone who I am not sure has Aspergers or not. They explain their behaviours by saying they are reserved. Thank you


Elodie
9:23 PM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

There is so much I could say to you but I don't want to put you off reading mountains of stuff!! Everything you are saying, all the stuff going round your head on a loop, is stuff I have been through - thinking you're going mad, that you're making it all up, that you're trying to brainwash people into seeing what you're experiencing... Yup, I went through all of that. I had to convince MYSELF first - that was the hard part - because I had this constant backing track of 'he's such a good man' - and yes, he is - but there is nothing behind or beyond that and I realised it was that lack of interest in me, in anything, that was slowly eroding me as a person. I used to be full of vitality and life - and like you, was finding it hard to get the energy even to be a mum. I thought (and he suggested) it was PND. I believed it. Had counselling for that. I went through so much soul searching about myself before I finally worked out that I was not the problem. In terms of whether to bother getting a diagnosis, this is a whole other conversation (!) but I quickly dropped it. He didn't seem to think he had ASD and I thought well whether he has it or not, his behaviour, and how I am feeling (cassandra) is the only proof I need - so what about the label? If a dog barks let's call it a dog, kind of thing. I know what you mean regarding your PR, I really do. But for me, I am not sure I will even bother explaining to people the 'real' reason. I am just going to tell people things didn't work out. Those close to me will get a bit more detail. It is really hard to think you might have people turn their backs on you and they won't understand it because they see the nice guy - but you know what - only YOU know what goes on at home and how you are feeling day to day and even when you try to explain it, not everyone will understand. You asked how I got conviction to leave. It was a combination of reading back over my journal entries (which made me realise I was not going mad), finding this forum and reading other people's entries and being able to identify with so much of what was being said. It took me a few months from figuring out the ASD to ending things and it was an extremely intense period of reading up a lot on ASD and a lot of soul searching. I just realised I would be happier going it alone. Where are you? I am in London. If you wanted to get in touch directly I would be really happy to talk to you / mail. I think admin can organise if you're keen. If not, happy to talk on here. Stay strong - the old you is still in there. xx


Tuppenceworth
6:17 PM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

My goodness I am sorry for all the typos!


Tuppenceworth
4:05 PM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

@Paula, thanks Paula as well. The minute I read the Irish reel comment I notice that when I long walk on Sat, I listened to Paul Brady and the third song on the Playliust was the lakes of Pontchartrain, I’ve never really listened to trad music but it really spoke to me and in the country road in Autumn I felt myself. I couldn’t believe you’d wrote that. Are you in Ireland? Like I’ve just said to Elodie, I need to prepare myself to leave and get my courage together and faces all the people who I know will think I’m crazy. You must be a person person to have endured the loneliness for so long. You’re right I know the answer I just need to start trusting myself.


Tuppenceworth
3:54 PM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

@Elodie. Thanks for taking the time to write. I admire you so much, you believed in yourself and went through with. It funny my husband is such a good person, I feel like I’ve made it all up and brainwashing people. So until I get to the bottom of that I can’t do anything. A friend did say to me, why difference with a diagnosis make. Selfishly it was go some way in helping me feel better about leaving, it help my PR (!) which is ridiculous really and not brave. How were you sure, how did you manage to feel such conviction to leave? I feel so guilty and I know and I shouldn’t care but some of my own family members will turn their backs on me. And meanwhile he’s just goes along with whatever and continues to act like everything is normal. He’s just leaving it up to me.


DMC
5:19 AM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

Regarding the other things about playing hard, he also do it sometime. The more I react like I want free myself the more he grab me harder and block me. Sometime I have to say stop several time because he doesn’t listen to the first couple of times I say it.


DMC
5:16 AM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

Claire, I have this experience. My partner behave exactly like this. I get the cold shoulder whenever I call out some bad behavior to him. And I mean bad behavior in the sense of bad. Like insults or even manipulation or lies. If I cry as reaction to something he did or say he ignores me and stop even talking to me. He used the pillow or shoved me away several times during our relationship in the same way your partner did with you and after something similar.


clare
4:35 AM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

Hi, im just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience. Things have mostly been going well with my aspie man since we reunited a few months ago when he finally told me he was on the spectrum, but in the last couple of weeks he has got into a strange habit of play fighting with me to the point of hurting me. He will squeeze me too tight, try to bend my fingers or neck, or pin me down and try to give me a sadistic style massage with his elbows until I scream. Its like he really doesn't understand that he's causing me physical pain! Its almost like its his way of flirting because I tried to laugh about it the first time. Also in the last couple of weeks, he's told me a couple of times that I'm thick and stupid which made me cry. He couldn't seem to understand why I'd got upset because "it was a fact" I said he was missing the point but it was like talking to a wall. I couldn't tell if he was bothered or not that he'd made me cry, but that night he slept with a big pillow between us & didn't want to touch me, even though he seemed fine and I said I'd forgiven him. Strange is all I can say! Im gutted because things were going so well, but i should have know it couldn't last, and now I'm thinking I might need to end it again.


DMC
4:05 AM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

I don’t know what to do anymore. It is really like we talk a different language. But the thing is that I cannot even think that his abusive characteristic come from having autism. Feels like he is always trying to get validation and everything he does is not because he cares but because he just want to be complimented. He cheated on me and did all the bad things cheaters does: lied, con me, blame me, make me believe I was overreacting and demeaning my feelings of sadness. He didn’t want to be called out and couldn’t see me sad but not because he was caring for me, just because he could deal with his actions. I went to a therapist because I thought I was borderline or going crazy. I went away for a while but then I came back home and I was trying to forgive him but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and I just wanted to understand if he is really meaning that he was remorseful. Everything I talk with him feels like he is not really remorseful for how his actions affected the relationship and my mental and emotional health but more remorseful of gettin caught. But all this ability of lieing and pretending are not a characteristic of autism. He started also saying that I am not sensitive enough for his autism when I call him out when he treat me badly. I know that maybe rudeness is something someone with autism have, but I call him out when he personally demean me or just really treat me badly like doing really unfair critiques. I am really confused. Am I a bad person for not understanding this behavior?


Elodie
3:29 AM
Mon 9th Nov, 2020

This is for Tuppenceworth. I could have almost written every word of your testimonial. The parts about wanting to show your children the magic of the world in particular struck a chord. I am in a similar length relationship and like you, have two young children. I had visions of how it would be having children and it has been a far cry from that. I have done practically all of the parenting on my own, every idea / thought / decision comes from me. My partner is undiagnosed but after much reading and research I have decided he must have ASD. After so much time of being sad and let down and lonely and everything else everyone experiences as a partner of an ASD, I took the decision to break up with him. It was not easy and I felt awful breaking up the family but I do strongly feel it will be the best for all of us in the long term. We are still living together but I am already feeling joy and seeing glimpses of the person I used to be. I want you to know there is hope and life can be good again. I felt trapped and like I had lost all feeling. No joy, just flat all the time. I realised it was time to end it when I knew he was never going to make me happy.


Paula
8:57 PM
Sun 8th Nov, 2020

This is for Tuppenceworth please read your last sentence in your post over and over again as I did before I wrote to you.I too am married to a good man good father etc. with the engagement interest or ability of a gnat. Although I now live separately from my husband of 27 years we are not divorced. I thought I was showing my kids a different kinder way to be. But the harsh reality I am facing at 60 was I was too scared of the opinion of my family and friends who saw him differently than I and I didn't think I could live with that condemnation. Went out for coffee this morning and took it to the ocean. An Irish reel came on the radio and I remembered the girl who loved to dance all those years ago. Show your kids self love and advocacy so that they can learn to do it too...be who you were before and let your husband be who he is. Leave when you're ready . I think if I had left earlier we both would have been freed from the daily disappointment.


Psyc RN
10:40 AM
Sun 8th Nov, 2020

Jenny, First, even though it feels like it, you are not alone; we know your pain, and we are sharing in support. I am a retired professional nurse, and even I am in this mess, not once, but several times over ...This information was not readily available during my young years. I am caught up in a lonely situation myself, though I suspect from your story you are much younger than I am. Therefore, this in itself is cause for celebration...You have learned early on what to be wary of. I read a lot about co-dependence, etc., and I disagree with that suggestion here...We are most likely not codependent; we are more likely trauma-bonded... There is a huge difference. With trauma bonding, the chemicals in the brain cause us to "need" the fix of the abuser, which is why it is called mental abuse...Intermittent reward is the most powerful brain washing, accomplished with reward interspersed with punishment to make the other feel that it is their fault for the abuse, when it's really a (sick) projection of the abuser...That is not codependency. Stockholm syndrome describes trauma bonding very well. Self love (which is self respect) is the antidote to this madness. On another note, speaking of medicine, I still get breakouts myself (!), though what keeps my skin clear is the blue light; I use Light Stim, and it works. As far as feeling like you will be alone forever....Remember that it is a feeling, which always changes with your thoughts; sad thoughts make us feel sad. When we replace sad thoughts with happy ones (even funny ones), we can't help but feel differently....I had a back injury a couple days ago...And in recovery I accidentally watched a silly movie (while trying to rest from the pain) that my ash had on a monitor while he was sleeping, and I started giggling! Then I was hurting from laughing using muscles that were injured! Change your thoughts..Change your life...So, even in my early sixties, I am taking my own advice....Love and light to you....


Tuppenceworth
7:15 AM
Sun 8th Nov, 2020

I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown. I’m a married five years with two young kid. Since I married I feel like me and my life and who I am is being suffocated. I thought for the first years that it was my, maybe post natal depression or tiredness or even that I had crazy expectations. But I know that’s not the case now, but feeling so damaged and trapped. I am a blue print of a Cassandra. I don’t know what’s left of me and all i see is a dark tunnel ahead. My husband is the kindest man or the most obliging man, but without an original thought or idea of his own. No thoughts on life, zero curiosity, no need to connect. He doesn’t really even want or need to know me. What does he want from me?! I’ve asked and asked and I now I have to give up, as it’s causing me so much pain. We’ve had therapy individual and marriage and Aspergers has come up a lot. He has an appointment in a few months, but I just cannot live in this sterile emotionless world any more. He does not want to engage. He is a good father though in a very simple way. That I am so thankful for. It’s like all the demensions, colour and life had just gone and I know not that my gut feeling after we married was right, there is something so very off. I wish I had more strength. I’ve used it all up getting through the weeks and telling myself that I’m lucky and grateful for what I have. But I’m married to a robot or someone who is so so so repressed, he’s so good natured but it is now starting to give me the creeps. Someone described being married to a piece of cardboard, that’s exactly what it like. We never talk, we never have adult conversations, I am dying with loneliness. I was so strong and full of life and hope and why life can bring and I want to show my kids the magic of the world. But right now I can barely get out of bed. I hate the weekends cause it’s just us. I don’t want to take his kids from him but I’m starting to realise that I am not surviving anymore.


Vicky
4:42 AM
Fri 6th Nov, 2020

Jenny - you are going through situational depression if you didn't suffer from depression prior to this relationship. If you did, I would strongly recommend you start reading anything you can find that may help you cope. Reading and communicating with others that have been in these types of relationship can help. However, you have to be willing to start realizing how unhealthy that relationship was and start working on loving yourself and finding joy. Everything in life is temporary as is your present pain over a specific person. I spent 21 years with a soul sucking joyless ASP and my self esteem was shot. I also had many people that were dependent on me staying with him including his mother. I walked away for my sanity and in 5 months I feel like an entirely new person. If you allow others to influence you then your happiness will never be a priority. You are worthy of happiness and being loved in a way that you absolutely know for sure you are loved. I realized I spent 21 years trying to understand what was going on and why I felt so miserable. My Ash was a kind and sweet person but had no idea how to meet my needs by spending time with me and having a good time. He was constantly a kill joy and nothing was ever good enough. Now that I no longer have to try and make him happy in order to receive a crumb of time or help. I wake up every day (meditate for about an hour first) and I smile and am content.


Jane
4:32 AM
Fri 6th Nov, 2020

Jenny, I am so sorry you're in so much pain. You have a lot of people out here rooting for you. There is so much to respond to here-- and mostly I want to echo everyone else and say you made THE BEST choice for yourself. You are saving your own life. But I mostly wanted to flag one thing you wrote-- if that acne medicine is what I think it is, very severe depression is often a side effect. For my friend, the depression happened very very fast and it was bad. I would strongly recommend that you consider your current emotional condition before starting on something that could rob you of your perspective completely. Please please consult with your doctor, and be honest about where you are. More to come, but I wanted to wave the red flag here as soon as possible.


Helpless
4:32 AM
Fri 6th Nov, 2020

Have you ever felt so hopeless and helpless and worthless at the same time? I have for months...I had hope for this amazing man who was masking for months until I got to know him. Now I see his true self and the worse it has gotten for me. I have lost the joy I felt before meeting him. I have done nothing but help to make his life better and in return I feel like an emotional punching bag. I can't do anything right, everything is my fault. Emotionally I am drained, anxiety has filled my days and I have no energy to participate with anything. Jenny, please don't look back. We aren't committed to these men who treat us so poorly. I completely understand how you feel. I am a strong, independent women. I have a great life and I keep going back to this man for more, and I have absolutely no idea why I do this. I look in the mirror and ask myself WHY! EXCEPT...I've had to admit I've been being abuse and sadly this is the cycle.


JUST SAY NO
3:54 AM
Fri 6th Nov, 2020

This message is for Lena in response to your post on 10/26 at 7:31pm. Please...if there is one thing I can tell you with absolute certainty and concern for your future and well being...if he has AS this WILL NOT end well for you. I went into my relationship of 6 years with the EXACT same thoughts that you mentioned in your post. I fell deeply in love and thought he was the one for me. ITS NOT REAL. I was a strong, very independent, outgoing, fun, charismatic woman. After the love bombing phase of about two years ended and the abuse cycles started, I was left as a shell of myself. Literally felt as if he sucked out my soul. You don't want to learn this answer the hard way. Listen to your gut! DO NOT ignore the red flags. Why is he so wonderful and different from everyone else? Because he is not being genuine and yes, its too good to be true. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and I'm happy to help you navigate this if you need someone. If I could save someone from the emotional torture that I experienced, I would do anything to help. I'm in my 2nd year of recovery from the abuse/PTSD. Trust me when I say, its INTENSE. I wish no one ever had to experience this type of pain and I'm extremely sad I can't go back to my life where I never even knew that pain existed. When I thought the majority of people were good. Slowly but surely, I'll heal...but it was questionable for a long long time. Take care of yourself!


Miel
11:08 PM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

@Jenny It’s chemical. You were attached to him and the up/down abuse cycle he created kept things exciting. Now, your chemistry is taking a dive and it’s like you’re withdrawing from a drug. The safest drug to help this pain is serious exercise. Do it until you can hardly say his name. It’ll take about a week before that deep depression improves but you’ll be able to make clear rational decisions in a month. (Put everyone off for a month if that alleviates your guilt.) I guarantee, you’ll meet someone new at your campus gym. It’s where young men your age go to boost their own self esteem. Workout boredom makes them good listeners and they get a beneficial testosterone boost from helping you reject him. It’s win,win.


Nadia
10:30 PM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

Jenny, I meant to add that it is not safe to take some acne medications when you are feeling depressed. Please reconsider the timing of this. I know you are young and I remember thinking few things were more important than how I looked, but the truth is, your emotional well being is so much more important. Many think that if they look their best, everything else will fall into place, but that is not the way it goes. This trauma has to take priority, and there are other options for your acne, in the meantime. Most of us learned the hard way about priorities, so please believe the wisdom of years and experience, on this forum. Please take care of yourself from the inside out, first. I'm praying and wishing you Godspeed with your recovery.


Mouse
10:27 PM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

Hi Jenny, leaving some one who used to take up all of ur attention, thoughts and feelings, will leave a huge gap! It might be that u chose him, and stayed with him for three years, because he did excactly that. We as humans tend to attach to whoever we r close to for a longer period of time, even if they r not nice to us, or good to have around. Cutting that bond is always painfull. Also, when in a dramatic intense relationsship, we never need to make our own plans, figure out who we r, or what we want to do, or find important in life. We r constantly engaged and distracted from that job, by all the emotional drama. For that reason, the empty space he used to fill out, might feel worse, than the drama of being with him. If when growing up, we didden't somehow learn to make our own plans, and find our wishes and plans important, we r simply out of practice with doing that! So being with someone who distracts us from the scary task, might FEEL like a better idea, but usually isn't. Grieving a three year emotinally turbulant relationship will simply take some time, but it will get better! If ur relationsship has been violent, don't go back. It will probably not get better. Stay safe!


Nadia
9:58 PM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

Jenny, First of all, you can live without him, and you can heal and go on to have a healthy life. You have experienced abuse, and you are feeling the effects of that abuse. Most of us need a professional to help us understand and process what and why we tolerated. It's not easy, but it's part of the process. The people who are telling you that you made a mistake, are invalidating your experience. The people who are calling you are known in the field of psychology as, flying monkeys, and they are on the side of the abuser, to keep you stuck and confused. Maybe they realize that he is an abuser, and maybe they dont, but either way, it's invalidating to you. I know it's scary, and I know it's confusing, but once the fog lifts, and you have had time away from the abuse, you will be back on this site, trying to help others move on. You will truly be shocked that you ever considered tolerating a relationship like this, because you will have the knowledge and truth of the dynamics, and the effects those dynamics had. Right now, what you need is some support and help for the anxiety, confusion, and pain. Think of the little girl within, that innocent, loving, little girl. What do you want for her? What does she deserve? We are all deserving of dignity, respect, civility, and love. I believe we are here on Earth to connect and love one another. To strive to be the best version of ourselves. It's impossible if our partner's stagnate our growth. Abusive relationships keep us from growing, and worse, do not allow us to live our truth. Nobody has the right to hurt us, and when we find ourselves in pain due to an intimate relationship, we owe it to ourselves to find our way through. We deserve to live life in a way that enables us to grow, and thrive, not merely survive. Something is giving you the message that being with him is better than being without him, but that message is wrong. If this man has abused you in any way, shape, or form, than that message is wrong, and you have to explore where that message came from, and start changing those messages, to the correct ones. We were meant to live our lives, not the lives that others want us to live. When we tolerate abuse, we are not living our lives, we are living the abuser's life. I urge you to be around people who are listening to your pain, and have your best interests at heart. I also think you would benefit from a person experienced in trauma recovery. You deserve to get through this. Your life matters, you matter, Jenny.


Jenny
8:45 AM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

I have never been this depressed in my life. Is there anyone on here that would perhaps be able to talk to me? I don’t know if I can live without him. He was the only person I had that I could talk to about anything and everything without judgement. I don’t care if he hit me or upset me. Being without him is worse than hell. I don’t know if any of you have gone through this in your break up? I have people telling me I’ve done the wrong thing, his mum messaged me as if I was unfair in talking to him how I did during the breakup. I think I was too harsh. I should’ve been nicer when leaving, I left him with a huge paragraph of everything he’d done, even said I never enjoyed our sex as I felt violated. I can’t believe I was so mean to the person I have loved for three years. I feel the most guilt I have ever and will ever experience again. He was not always nasty, he was so loving sometimes and would hug me when I was sad and I could go to him when I had a problem and he’d no judge me for it. I have literally no one now I seem to just push everyone away and I can’t come back from this. I’ve unfriended all of his family, upset them and him with how I went about breaking up with him to the point where if I did go back, it’d be even more of an embarrassment as this is. I have one friend at uni and I feel like I’m a burden with these constant melt downs as I don’t know normal anymore. The relationship was so intense and he was so intense I don’t know how to carry on without him. I’m in desperate need of help but I can’t get therapy as I need to look stable for my new acne medication. It’s going to make my acne so much worse but I know he’d be there for me when I was feeling my lowest. Man alive I’m not doing well


Fooled
8:14 AM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

I've been reading everyone's posts on this site ever since I broke up with my High-Functioning Autistic Ex towards the beginning on the COVID shutdowns. It's helped me out immensely too! My ex and I dated for just over 1-year, and it started out, like many others here, with me thinking that I had met the love of my life, despite our 18-year age difference (he was older). I've known several people, who were diagnosed with Aspergers, throughout my life, but I too missed all of the obvious signs in the beginning; like the fact that he wore the same outfit every day, because of sensory aversion to seams and tags in clothing, so he choose these same wool T-Shirts every day that could be worn inside-out without looking to obvious. He hasn't held a job and years, and I could tell that he would almost prefer to live in a box, before having to seek work. He had almost no social life. He also kept refused to visit at my place, and insisted that I come to his place always around his terms, and always had me adhere to his schedule. The one time I got him to drive to my place, I figured out why he never drove anywhere, and it was because driving caused him anxiety. Getting him to go to a group event, or just a public event was like pulling teeth. He also told me early on that he went to college for Physiology, not because he wanted to pursue a career in the field, but because he knows he feels/senses the world differently than most people and he was desperate to try and understand more on how most people think. Only after 1month together, things abruptly turned sour; he consistently was always trying to prove his superior IQ to me. He never said even one good thing about me after the first 1month, and made me feel completely worthless, yet at the end of the day he always wanted me to be with him and and told me he loved me; I was never able to say I love you back to him anymore, because it just didn't feel sincere that he could say this to me, after constantly making me feel like a failure all day.  Nothing that I ever did was right, according to what he told me. On top of that, he had to top everything that I told him with a story, and most of his stories made me question whether he even heard me; yet, when I discussed something with him, and tried to give an example by telling a story he would almost always say "I've heard this story before. You really need to get your memory checked, because it's like you have Alzheimer's", and I knew that I had told it to him before, but it was always relevant to what I was trying to point out, and this action, again, made me question whether he ever really heard me. The silent treatment was common in our relationship. Finally, one of the truly most messed up things about him, is he told me early on that he felt Birthday's were dumb, because you are no different on that one day than the day before. Therefore, I was not the least bit surprised when my birthday went by not being acknowledged by him. Yet, when his Birthday month arrived, he posted on social media, everyday, that it was his birthday month, and he arrogantly expected to be treated, by me, for his birthday; constantly bringing up that he looked forward to his gift and having me take him out to dinner. Additionally, he was always offering to help and was very helpful in fixing things before we got together, and in our first month together. After the first month together though, he'd still insist on letting him fix something for me, but he'd never get to it, no matter how much I'd stress that it was important; he would just say "I'm sorry", or have a childish melt-down after I pointed out that something important to me wasn't getting done, even though it was he who insisted on doing it weeks or months earlier. He didn't tell me before until the day that we broke up, that he had been diagnosed with Aspergers in the early 90s, but I had already become pretty sure that he was a HF-Autistic person by the time we had been dating 9mos. So many issues that we were having could only be explained by him being on the spectrum, or maybe borderline personality disorder. All intimacy had ceased to exist in our relationship, after only 1.5mos, as well.    Now, I do admit to being codependent in this relationship; my closest friends cannot believe how long I stuck up for him and stayed with him. It was always me putting in all of the effort, and trying to make things work between us after the first 1.5mos. If it were not for the COVID shutdowns, that finally caused me to snap, I do not know how long I would've still put up with the abuse. The whole experience put significant strain on my self esteem, which is still effecting me to this day! Leaving him wasn't easy either, because in the first few weeks he didn't seem to get that it was over between us, based on the messages he still sent me daily. Once he realized it was over, he became really scary, and almost suicidal sounding, tormenting me with dozens of messages, that made me terrified that he was about to walk off a bridge. This didn't stop until I blocked him from on all social media, and from my phone. Hopefully this helps someone else, struggling to recover from the trauma of being with someone on the spectrum.     


Adrienne
1:49 AM
Thu 5th Nov, 2020

Elise, I have been with my undiagnosed husband for 10 years. He has told me on numerous occasions that if I get sick, or debilitated in any way, he will leave me because that would be an inconvenience. I thought he was joking, in the beginning, but reading your story and others makes me realize he is being honest. I hope you can find the woman you once were again. I know I look forward to a day when I can be me again.


Flá
6:47 AM
Tue 3rd Nov, 2020

Dear Jenny, I know you want to end the relationship in a decent way with your boyfriend, after all you're the part that genuinely cared and loved. I believe that many NT people on the forum, or almost all of them, tried to make deals, tried to smooth the way out as friends many times. I wanted it that way too. But it's just too common that there isn't such possibility. Keeping in touch or friendship is a way of maintaining abuse, as they suck your energy and are always selfish and one-sided. I aaaalso tried! The reaction you want him to have or the "best form" just won't exist, in my opinion. You don't need to suffocate more from guilt and tears any longer because finally you're strong to fight for your freedom and your happiest moment in life. In the end, you already knew the answer and you also knew that you have fought enough and sacrificed yourself enough. We all know here, I'm sure! You know what your limit is, think about it. It doesn't matter if you spent 3 years with him or more... You'll have many years with stories that are much happier and less compromising on your sanity. There are many people waiting for you in the world to truly love you, with a history of true complicity. You have already understood that you're the most precious person in your life. As some people have already written on the forum, he will do anything to get back with you or even prevent it from ending. These people can be cruelly manipulative and rascal when they are guided by their syndromes. With diseases and disorders, we aren't heroines. I say this because I was also a victim of this manipulation and had a hard time getting out of my two-year relationship. While I was scared to death and trying to achieve harmony, my partner was angry at the problem created by me and he did the "dirty job" of excluding me from everything like rubbish. This is how they do it when they realize that you are creating turmoil and they will have to predict a future problem with a very stressful routine disorder. Just before you're the "murderer" of your own story, try to end up with a definitive cut by yourself. It doesn't matter that he doesn't understand, my ex never understood until the end.. It's a matter of disability and something without possibilities. You aren't guilty or responsible for this. Abuse is abuse and you aren't the person who should argue to death about how bad you feel. Action is what matters! Life is always faster for them than for us. He will be more agitated about breaking the routine instead of caring about what you represent or your feelings. You'll have broken feelings and need to walk away to take care of yourself with a lot of love and care! Be strong and enjoy your family, friends or therapy support if possible. Be away from him when announcing the break up. It was just that way that I managed to leave. Don't forget to research Codependency and start thinking more about yourself and your needs. You're young and can do this path very intelligently! :) I wish you the best and trust yourself! <3


Jenny
5:59 AM
Tue 3rd Nov, 2020

I broke up with him. I told him respectfully, that I cannot continue with him after all he has managed to do to me. However, he seemed to think I left because I did something to him when this is not the case. I’ve blocked him on everything and I feel the most overwhelming sense of loss. His routine that he bashed into me is straining my understanding of what I should be doing now I’m all alone again. I feel so lonely. He’s such an intense person to be around, he consumed my entire existence and now there’s nothing. I know I am better off without him but I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty for leaving him all alone and I miss him terribly. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I have done today. I sent a massive paragraph of what he had done to me, abusing and disrespecting me the entire relationship in an attempt to prevent him blaming me for being unfair in leaving him and then ultimately stalking me/harassing me after the breakup. I feel so unbelievably guilty in leaving him with that paragraph and then blocking him immediately after. He means so much to me still that I feel completely and utterly messed up now that he’s no longer around. He used to make me call him every single night for the entire night and I’m dreading going to bed without calling him. My mum is sobbing as she misses him too and I can’t help but feel responsible.


Bridgette
4:15 AM
Tue 3rd Nov, 2020

Jenny...Just leave. Tell him when you are safely away from him. Get to where you need to go and call him later.


Elise
9:14 PM
Mon 2nd Nov, 2020

Although I have been using this site for quite a while, this is the first time I have got the courage to contribute. I have been with my ASD husband for 20 years. I am 68 and he is 71. Before I met him I was a strong, independent woman living alone, working and I knew who I was. After 20 years of this emotional hell I am no longer aware of who I am or what I want in life. My husand is very generous and has tried hard to change to make me happy. However, I feel like a roommate rather than a wife. Like many of you on this site, he started the relationship by being the perfect partner. After two previous marriages and several other long relationships I though I had hit gold with him. We very quickly moved in together and all seemed to be well. I remember telling my Aunt that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. After about 18 months I ecame ill with a life threatening disease. It hadn't occured to me that he would be anything other than loving and caring whilst I went through treatment. I couldn't have been more wrong. I would even go so far as to say that he treated me as if I was an inconvenience. To cut a long story short I recovered but from then on couldn't get it out of my mind how he had treated me. As time went on I have exhausted myself to try and find the person I fell in love with. I have now realised finally (after trying to talk to him this morning) that that person does not exist. I often wonder where that sociable, intellingent, independent person that I was when I met him, has gone. I feel a lot older than my years and sometimes feel that there is nothing left for me to live for. I don't feel I can do anything at the moment but wait until I can at least get away on my own for a couple of weeks (due to COVID). Please, if anyone is starting to suspect that their partner has ASD don't be fooled into thinking they will change. They won't. Get out while you can. I love my husband very much. He is basically a decent human being. However, I am drowning in a sea of neglect in terms of respect and validation.


paula
9:02 PM
Mon 2nd Nov, 2020

This in response to Cassandrs's question about relating to an adult child with Aspergers. Oh Casandra I am so sorry for your distress.I too have a 27 year old who is detached. She is happily married but I no longer fit into her world. She is content with her life and I am left reeling from the grief of disappointment. She visits my separated AS husband frequently but very rarely calls me. When we do talk I find myself anxious to not say anything that would offend her making things worse. I have two children and a husband on the spectrum ,which in my particular situation means no conflict ever gets resolved. No matter how kind and calm and humble I express my feelings regarding a certain situation I am met with zero response because they shut down. Motherhood was my hearts deepest desire but it has not been as rewarding or fulfilling as I thought it would be.I am painfully trying to reorient myself into learning how to nurture and love the "me" before I was a mother and now that my kids are grow. Sending you compassion.


Jenny
7:13 PM
Mon 2nd Nov, 2020

I’m planning on leaving him tomorrow. I’m really struggling. I’ve told my parents whom I’m still living with (I was planning on moving out with him soon) that he has been abusing me and I made my mum sob. I have no idea what I’m going to say to him. He came to visit my family last weekend as it had been planned for ages. I couldn’t pluck up the courage at that time to cancel it, when he was getting ready to leave my house I had a breakdown and told him that I’m unhappy with being with him. I said some more specific things that may help him understand how I feel more, such as the old people on the bus make me feel depressed as I bet the old woman’s husband hadn’t ever done the things my partner has done to me. I’d think to myself if I was her, how would I see my partner when he’s all old and frail after everything he’s done to me. My partner didn’t care that I was crying as per usual and was more concerned with that I may break my promise to marry him. He made me promise to marry him again and then proceeded to appear theatrically depressed to make me feel guilty in confiding in him my feelings. I’m just venting to you guys as you all seem to understand my situation perfectly. I have family coming over before our lockdown is put in place and I’m going to have to tell them all and I’m so embarrassed that I was so spineless in letting this continue for three years. I’ve gotten to the point I’m crying everyday all day. I have stopped telling him I love him back too as I’ve grown to hate him, yet he doesn’t care. I don’t think he’s ever loved me and it’s heartbreaking. Any advice on how to break up with him would be appreciated thank you


Jenny
5:01 PM
Sat 31st Oct, 2020

Thank you all so much for your support. It has given me the confidence to confide in my uni classmates who have since become close friends. Before this, I had no one as my partner didn’t want me to. I have taken your advice in and will leave of my own accord when I’m able to. Thank you all again.


Mary
10:07 PM
Fri 30th Oct, 2020

@Jenny. Your description of your relationship has haunted me for several day since I first read it. It is abusive regardless of whether your partner has AS. And my heart breaks to think that your expectations of what a healthy relationship is, will be forever scarred by this traumatic, abusive, emotionally devastating victimization that you have endured for 3 years at the hands of this man. You are only 20, and I know this is your first relationship. You need to get out immediately, heal, and then open yourself up to someone who will mutually participate in a healthy, loving exchange. Someone who will cherish you. Someday you will look back and see your departure from this nightmare as the turning point in your life. As for how to get out: Please, seek the advice of your local Women's Shelter. They will have resources. I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic: If you give him a heads-up that you are leaving, you will see a (temporary, contrived, manipulative) turnaround in him that will leave you second-guessing. You will be surprised at how suddenly he will seem to start behaving better ... until he doesn't anymore. True to form. And you will feel even more stuck, like a jail prisoner who made a failed escape attempt and is now beaten down. So you will need to have a firm plan and good support, because abusers like your partner do not like to let go easily. I know this sounds harsh, and alarmist, and over-the-top... but while you are in these kinds of relationships, you end up so depleted and beaten-down and in a fog of his creation that you cannot see the reality of how much you are suffering. You also cannot accurately see how much strength you can actually marshal in yourself, to leave him. It's learned helplessness. But you can do this, Jenny. Your friends are right -- No Contact is the best way to leave. Any other method will leave the door open for him to try to wheedle his way back in. But do get some good advice from community resources. There are also great resources online, and many books dealing with how to leave abusive relationships. Good luck to you.


Nadia
9:13 PM
Fri 30th Oct, 2020

Jenny, The following is just my opinion, but it is based on a lot of research, and my personal experience. You must keep your plans from your partner. No discussion on the decision to leave, or the reasons. You have to have a plan, especially with the resources you will need. But first, you have to educate yourself even further on what you are experiencing regarding the "trauma bond", or you will find yourself getting sucked back into the vortex, and confused. It is easier to resist the "love bombing" phase if you truly understand it for what it is. Also, once you leave, it is vital to go "no contact", if you are able, and if no children, businesses, and/or finances, are involved, then this includes, no means of communication, or even "checking out", things like FB, Twitter, etc. Nothing. You will find that your head will clear little by little, once away from this abuse. When you have everything that you need set up, only then do you have a trusted confidant help you move out, and only then is it that he will learn of it. This is the safest, most effective way to go about it. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything. You must understand and believe that, in order for you to not use "cognitive dissonance", which will only confuse you and keep you stuck. There is a ton of information available on how to leave an abusive relationship, as well as anonymous hotlines that will guide you and offer you the resources needed. Utilize these, as you don't ever have to divulge your name, and can remain anonymous. You are on this site because you cognitively are aware that this relationship is a problem, but, you are not only trauma bonded, you are using what most of us have used throughout these relationships. "Cognitive Dissonance", which is when our brain is not in harmony with our emotions. We may know something to be true, but we tell ourselves that it isn't really that way, or that bad, or what we are feeling is because somehow we are to blame. No! Keep educating yourself, keep sharing on this site, take advantage of resources, and give yourself the self care that is vital, to move on.


maggie
1:59 PM
Fri 30th Oct, 2020

Also Nadia's fantastic comment .." It is my opinion that if we were emotionally healthy people, with our own sense of self, we wouldn't have tolerated this disorder at all. It never would have been our choice to become involved. I dont think, for the most part, this just happened to us. I believe whatever we carried from childhood made it a perfect fit for a relationship with an ASD person." 100% true, I have never had a sense of self, didn't know what a self was until recently, emotional abuse & brainwashed as a child to ignore myself and do what others wanted. Perfect wife for my ASD husband.


maggie
1:46 PM
Fri 30th Oct, 2020

Yes Nadia running parallel to everything in daily life today is the surreal truth that I've invested everything and overextended myself for decades for this man and this life, born 2 children, one of whom has Aspergers, even writing this I can't explain my feelings, and yes words are hard to utter. It's profound grief. My intuition tells me I am trauma bonded. So that is my present challenge to really get a grip on what this means and recover. You are right, my relationship also has been a facade and a lie, and to think I too have poured myself into this for decades thinking it was the right thing to do, while it was always futile is too much for my battered mind to fully absorb. I appreciated both yours and Fla's wise words to Jenny, I hope she considers them carefully. Her words hit me hard: "I’m just so worried that I’m never going to experience real love, where all the feelings are genuine. Am I missing out on something?" Yes Jenny you are, listen to people here and take care of yourself


Memory Does Not Serve
6:09 AM
Fri 30th Oct, 2020

My ex HFA partner used to think all conversations had to include a story (memory) from his life. He would compulsively add a story to every single one of mine. If I expressed sadness about a disappointment regarding work he would tell me about a random friend he had in high school who was also disappointed when something happened to him. I would just look at him, like, why are you telling me this. I finally got the nerve to point it out to him and he said he had such vivid recall people just can't relate. I asked him about why felt the need to always share his memories. He couldn't understand why it would be annoying and would say, "Don't you want to know me?" This was his way of justifying telling me any memory from his history I couldn't care less about. He would be excited to share the most mundane story from his youth (he's 48). He would talk incessantly about exes because his memories were just so vivid and I was supposed to think that was great? He didn't care who his audience was either. I caught him telling his neighbor, as she was unloading groceries, about a delicious meal he had eaten. She smiled and nodded but I could see she had no clue what to say in response. I felt this way with him often. He also refused to agree that this was unusual behavior or that it was related to his Aspergers. He swore it made him a good story-teller and proved he was superior with his memory. Does anyone else here relate to HFA people being obsessed with memories? This guy could NOT think about the future much at all. It was like he was stuck in the past and thought everyone would be interested in it. Oddly, he wouldn't remember details about trips we had taken in more recent history. I'm wondering if this was just a tic.


Jenny
5:14 AM
Fri 30th Oct, 2020

Thank you all those who responded to me, literally sobbed reading them as I waited for my bus ride home. Do you have any advice on how to leave? He has controlled every single minute aspect of my being and I have no spine to know how to do it myself. I’ve finally actually opened up to two friends about his abuse and treatment of me for the three years I’ve been with him. They are very insistent on me leaving ASAP and although I agree with them 100%, I am still struggling so much with the idea of being without him. I need him and he most certainly needs me. Any breakup advice would be great as I don’t want it to be violent or end up being aggressive towards me in doing so. He’s made me feel so undoubtedly unworthy of love, that I’m ugly and no one else would want me or cope with being with me. I’m scared that when I leave, I’ll be alone forever. My friends want me to write him a long message and once sent, block him. However this feels so cold and harsh to do to someone I’ve cherished for three years. I want to wait for our next argument as they tend to get heated, he usually does something to warrant me leaving him during those violent outbursts which is when I feel I’d feel less guilty for leaving. However, I think he’s sussed that I want to leave and is being incredibly stubborn in that whatever I say he won’t react to or listen or care. He used to react so violently whenever I went out with friends but now he’s tolerating it as I seem in his words “distant and more confident”. Please help, any more advice on how I should approach this in taking his disorder into account also will be greatly appreciated. Thank you x


Flá
11:03 PM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

Dear Jenny, you have found the right forum for many of the answers you're looking for. His experience can be found in almost all other people's testimonials, including what can be expected from a future relationship with a person on the spectrum. It's difficult to advise someone who is in the place that I was once, but... if I were younger like you and knew it earlier, I would never have continued or insisted so much that I lost myself and made the sacrifices I made . Today I'm still recovering as if I were leaving the war, while he lives his normal, worry-free life. He travels, he studies, he does everything he wants and has everything he wants from others. Is that what you want for yourself? Because it's a fact that a relationship with a person on the spectrum you'll have to choose between you or him - hard and difficult. It's almost impossible to think that there will be coexistence, communion and the life project of companionship that you imagine, however much effort they make to improve.. The extremely important point here is that we all have a hard time accepting (since our partners seem very normal "externally") is that we're talking about a very serious and, unfortunately, immutable neurodevelopmental disorder. Efforts and improvements may exist, but you'll always have to lower your expectations and demands for life, you'll have to accept being emotionally broken by someone who cannot recognize you, validate you or see you as an individual. And that for the rest of your life, even when you're the person who needs help more than he does. It will always be all about him, as far as we know from our experiences. Go ahead without looking back... You can experience love in many ways and there are really many opportunities for you to open up to the world! But think about whether you see yourself with this man for the rest of your life and why so many people who love you warn you about it. I was warned by everyone and didn't want to listen. In the end, he abandoned me without any emotion (and did me the favor of freeing myself from this before it further destroyed my future in a hypothetical marriage). Remember that your intuition says a lot about what is best to do and that love is not meant to hurt that much. You deserve the best, focus on it no matter how much attachment makes you want to stay. You MATTER.


Nadia
7:05 PM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

Hi All, To Jenny first: In my opinion, I truly believe that what you are experiencing is "the cycle". There is a cycle, without a doubt, that we experience, akin to the cycle experienced in narcissistic abuse. Right now is the "love bombing" cycle for you. Everything feels good, and like it's going to stay that way, finally. There has been convincing evidence that we actually experience the release of dopamine, and that pretty much seals the deal that "trauma bonds" us. But, alas, it never lasts, because it can't. It's not real, not genuine. It's done as a means to an end. Next comes the "devalue" phase, which can take many forms, like invalidation, on through verbal name calling, and worse. On to the "discard" phase, where you are anywhere from stonewalled to physically left. This cycle repeats itself, and for me, it went on for decades, until I finally came out of the fog, educated myself further, found this forum, and learned about my role in this dynamic. After decades of this, and my recent decision to finally end this, the love bombing is at a degree I haven't seen from him, ever. It's not me he wants. It's the things I did, and who I represented for him. He doesn't like change, and doesn't do well with it. I was dying in the relationship. Never hit, financially secure, but dying. Please learn more about this disorder, for you have your entire life ahead of you. Please spend some time learning about yourself, as well, because, in my opinion, that is where the key is, to unlock your way to freedom. It is my opinion that if we were emotionally healthy people, with our own sense of self, we wouldn't have tolerated this disorder at all. It never would have been our choice to become involved. I dont think, for the most part, this just happened to us. I believe whatever we carried from childhood made it a perfect fit for a relationship with an ASD person. I didn't look at my childhood as being traumatic, but after deep reflection, I understand the dynamic now. I wish you health, happiness, and peace. None of which these relationships provide.


Bella
4:22 PM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

@Jenny, I’m afraid for you! He hit you and has been abusive. That right there is a deal breaker, even if he was not AS. He won’t change for real. People are who they are. You’re only twenty. There is someone out there who will cherish you, adore you, return your love. You need to be free and ready for that person. You have some healing to do first. Please get yourself out of this terrible, and possibly dangerous relationship.


Cassandra
11:17 AM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

Hi Nadia what a clear perspective! Is there a way I could get your contact? I would love to get more understanding. Is there a way the admin can connect us? ADMIN: If Nadia would like to email us, we will pass your email to her.


Flá
8:50 AM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

@Nadia! Thank you very much for your enlightening testimony about this difference. Sometimes when living with them we forget that this insidious world inhabits the head of the person that we already loved someday. And that nothing in the world can change her lens and perspective. :( I'm very sad to recognize the total damage that the disability causes.. And that explains the moments when I was despised when I needed help most. Is this lack of self-perception so true? Is that why they get in and out of relationships quickly as a game? Do they meet people, don't know how to differentiate whether they love their characteristics or if they are using people as objects? It's the most painful part to realize that there is no barrier to "choice". I felt cruelly used and discarded.. :(


Jenny
5:53 AM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

Further to my previous testimonial.. I am 20 on Saturday and I’ve never had another relationship other than this 3 year long relationship with my high functioning autistic partner. I’m so unhappy yet happy at the same time. I’ve never experienced a relationship like this before and he’s been my first everything. Through all the abuse I’ve endured and manipulation etc that has happened I’m unsure of whether to stay now that he’s suddenly focused on changing for me. He peaked in his abuse right before lockdown and since, I’ve only just started seeing him again and it’s all roses atm. I’m just so worried that I’m never going to experience real love, where all the feelings are genuine. Am I missing out on something? My friend (the only one after he made me remove everyone else) has insisted that our relationship is not normal and my parents dislike me being with him. I’m so confused. One minute I hate being in the same room as him but then others I long for his company. Please any advice is helpful or any experiences worth telling me!


Nadia
12:54 AM
Thu 29th Oct, 2020

Dear Maggie Fellow decades long survivor. Do you find it surreal trying to come to grips with the regret of so much time invested, without denouncing the joy and love for your children and grandchildren? It's hard to utter the words, "I would never do this again", without separating the emotions concerning any children that may have arisen from the relationship. I find it impossible to believe that anyone could love their children and grandchildren more than I, but to wake up from the fog I've been living in, to the realization of what this relationship really was, and was not, I find myself unable to express how I feel, in terms of this dilemma. The relationship was a facade, a lie. I know that as sure as I'm sitting here. To try to comprehend the amount of time I tried to work on this relationship, when it was futile, keeps me stuck. The hours, days, months, years, decades, ruminating, praying, going to therapy, researching and googling how to "improve" a marriage, alone, only me, used to fill me with anger, hurt, and emotional pain. No more. Never again. I remain grateful for the family I was truly responsible for rearing, alone. Everything else, I learned to let go of. I'm not giving up any more of myself. Even though I'm older, I found new found peace and joy. My wish for you, and everyone here.


Nadia
8:52 PM
Wed 28th Oct, 2020

Hello Everyone, I saw a discussion about "Cognitive" vs "Emotional" empathy, and I just wanted to expound on that. I have experience in this field of study, and would like to express my thoughts. "Cognitive Empathy" is the ability to see that a situation requires an empathetic response, and the ability to respond and/or act accordingly. It is not "Emotional Empathy", which is the ability to put yourself in another's situation and feel what they are feeling. The best a HFA person can achieve, is "Cognitive" empathy, but the response or the reaction will not be genuine. It will be a "script" that was learned. When a person with ASD gives you a hug, or says the appropriate words, they are not responding because they genuinely can feel your distress, or pain. How many of us have gone to bed crying, while our partners have slept soundly beside us. How many have been "stonewalled" after a disagreement, where you tried to explain that you were not interested in being right, or winning the dispute, but rather, just needed validation of your feelings. And speaking of feelings, how often have your feelings been validated? It doesn't happen, because it can't. The ASD person has no access to their own emotions, never mind yours. It's not, nor will it ever be, a reciprocal relationship, no matter how "high functioning" the ASD person is. We,as NT's,can feel whether someone is being genuine, or not. It's painful to endure these relationships, no matter how high the degree of functioning. I understand the respect some have for the partner that is able to work on "Cognitive" empathy, but the fact remains that we are entitled to have our needs met, and in a genuine way, as well. Again, please understand that it is damaging to our very being, to live like this, day after day. It chips away at our self-esteem, and leaves a void, like non other. I choose ME, and I pray you all see the value of YOU, with no guilt, or regret.


cassandra
12:35 PM
Wed 28th Oct, 2020

guys, almost all of you talk about your relationship with your spouses or boy/girlfriends. I have come to accept my husband of 28 years for who he is...but I am struggling with my 27 old son who is in a relationship with someone i don't know...he absconds, remains silent for days, very short intermittent responses to my msgs. shows no interest to connect at all. I cant walk away from my old child right. I am hurt all over everyday trying to connect with him. He has absolutely no regard for anyone of our family members. The only person he ever interacts is me...I don't want to give up but communicating with him is also hurtful Anybody has adult asperger children? How is your relationship? Any advice from anyone here would be hugely helpful


maggie
9:53 AM
Wed 28th Oct, 2020

Nadia thankyou thankyou for your post, I feel such similar things


Vicky
3:25 AM
Wed 28th Oct, 2020

Juju - The way I have coped is by holding my self accountable for the wasted thoughts of "what could have been". I feel I have been blessed to figure out what exactly was going on and knowing I had nothing to do with the end of my relationship. I also focus on the relief on not allowing another person to negatively affect my moods, interests or how I spend my time It is so peaceful not agonizing over his neglect of us or lack of communication or lack of initiation with intimacy. In the 5 months that have passed since my divorce, I am so grateful to be free of the mental torture that comes with being with someone with Aspergers. I also found the "Home" section of this website that spelled out on a chart ASP traits and the damage they caused to me (NT) was an eye opener and really helped me to move on. You have to realize the only person that can help you is you by recognizing the wasted thoughts that are keeping you stuck.


Mouse
11:44 PM
Tue 27th Oct, 2020

Hi Josefina and everybody here. Everyone has a right to protect themselves. And doing that, is not being a mean person! If he doesn't show signs of remorse, or will to change he's lesser atractive ways, chances r he will never change them. And don't worry to much about him being on his own. He might not enjoy changes, especially if he didden't plan them himself, but in my experience, AS people move on a lot faster than u might have expected. And if he does, don't think ur too unimportant to grieve about, its just that because of the mindblindness, he isn't really able to see u as the unique individual u r (with whom he shares or shared a unique bond..), he probably sees u more as a 'replaceable object', and who wants to feel like that?


Nadia
7:05 PM
Tue 27th Oct, 2020

Hello Everyone, I just wanted to add, that for all of those that feel stuck, unable to move on, it's absolutely necessary to turn all that energy expended on trying to better the relationship, inward now. You need to turn the focus on yourself. You need to practice self-care, every day. You also need to understand that you will never have the formula to break through, and get your most basic needs met, in these types of relationships. It won't happen, it can't. This is a serious neurological and developmental disorder, no matter where on the spectrum the person is, HFA, or not. For me, I believe the answer to healing, and more importantly, not repeating this cycle, lies in our childhoods, and the messages we received. I'm not talking about blame, but understanding. We all learned an attachment style, and I believe we make choices based on that. Learn about yourself, so you can find yourself again. You can heal from this and find joy and peace again, but it won't happen without the work. It's worth it, I promise.


Nadia
2:59 AM
Tue 27th Oct, 2020

Hi Everyone, First time poster, but life long endurer of this unique form of abuse. I agree with Heinrich, that HFA, formally known as Aspergers, is just a place on the spectrum to differentiate between the extremes of non functional to functional. It's the same disorder, but it presents differently in some. The "lack of theory of mind", results in narcissism, and it is abusive to be on the receiving end of that. The HFA person seems to be able to mask to the degree that enables them to get what and who they want, and continue that push and pull, for extremely long periods. In my case, decades. When you are blessed enough to finally find the information that seems to fit what you've been experiencing, only then can you seem to have the ability to start trying to find your lost self again, and start living your own life. Because you will realize that you have been living their life, not yours. The lack of empathy is probably the most damaging aspect of this disorder, for me. I was fortunate that I didn't endure physical, verbal, or financial abuse, but the emotional abuse, resulting from the lack of empathy, almost left me with the loss of a will to live. I found this site, however, just before that happened, and it has given me strength, and the will to not only live, but honor that gift of life. You matter too. Your life matters too.


Juju
1:33 AM
Tue 27th Oct, 2020

I'm also curious about your testimony, Heinrich.. I didn't really see my ex abnormal and I never suspected autism. The family itself never suspected their whole lives .. so, for me, it's a strong sign that it "appears" to be very normal (only in the intimate relationship the peculiarities were numerous and visible). At first he was so sweet, attentive, kind, intelligent and elegant and very pleasant looking. His French way was so charming (although I saw some childish and hysterical behaviors inadvertently escaping - I thought it was cultural). But over time, his normality disappeared and gave way to his true "me", who became more and more self-centered, distant and cold. We were dating at a distance for 2 years and in the last he abandoned me completely in another country, lonely in the pandemic, without mercy, in exchange for his doctorate in mathematics (special interest)! Really, I found myself dating someone I would never appreciate in my life, I wouldn't be attracted even if I tried hard. He didn't do anything he promised in the first year. It was all fake, a very liar pseudoself. And I really believe that he feels corresponding to what he thinks he is as a person. He's confident that he's normal like the others because he does some small things that seem "normal".. But he doesn't question himself, sees no problems or and has no idea what the maintenance of things and people is. The world is available to him and he should always make the least effort (if not the special interest). And he was physically becoming strange as well, putting on weight because he was not motivated to conquer me, changing his behavior, with his eyes fixed or not looking into my eyes... no affectivity or notion of support. The silence started to become more intense, uncomfortable and irritating. About utilitarianism I cannot deny it because I see similarities in every case I read. They're really looking for benefits. We were victims even though our boyfriends looked very "normal" compared to the other cases we observed. On the other hand, I also believe that they are almost on the same level without the mask and this stage only appears at some other point in the relationship (like many cases of marriages reported here that start in the same way). The mind corresponds to a very typical pattern, it is difficult to deny that for them people or goals are "objects of need". I was useful for him to know Brazil while traveling with me, probably you were also useful in something in his history. You were discarded for having nothing more to offer in his new interest. I know that this week he is with someone else in Spain (I saw the person's profile and there is none, not even the slightest compatibility between them! he was in love with Spain. Et voilà, he did it!). The worst of all is when they make you realize that you are a "spare tire". Because he wanted to keep in touch with me after a horrible relationship with an exhausting and heavy contact talking only about him, probably for him to return to Brazil someday using me as a caregiver. I've been bleeding from the inside for months... the damage was irreparable. I have been in mourning for months, almost a year. I am undergoing painful therapy to recover from this experience. And everything is worse because he does not care, does not notice and is already advancing in his new achievements without the minimum recognition, decency or sensitivity expected. I know that we must be strong and cross the swamp forgetting the memories that were perfectly created illusions. But this is very difficult and I believe that we all feel deceived in the depths of our soul. Our empathy, true love were thrown directly into the trash without any mercy.


Alex
1:10 AM
Tue 27th Oct, 2020

@Heinrich and others. I dont really understand what mild exactly means, but i'm sure that high functioning autists cant be into a healthy relationship as NT understand it. I dont even think they really want to. They say that want to have a "partner", but dont want (or cant, whathever, but at the end its the same) to have common goals in life, commitment, responsabilites, share feelings, support their partner, real intimacy... I mean, have in mind that when an ASP says "relationship" or "partner", we are talking about completly different things. They can present it in many different ways, but at the end thats what it is.


Juju
10:04 PM
Mon 26th Oct, 2020

I'm looking for recommendations to abandon the feeling of being used by an Aspie.. How did you overcome the end of the mask? Even in therapy, I can't progress any more. I've been mourning for this crappy relationship for almost a year. I feel isolated. I'm even afraid to use the internet for new friends because I don't want to find any aspie anymore! I realized that they use this tool for socializing and I don't want to cheated again!!! The lockdown in my country makes me feel more desperate on my own in the end process. I can't find people to talk to. Any suggestions to overcome this crap?


Jenny
7:45 PM
Mon 26th Oct, 2020

I’ve been with my AS partner for a little over three years now. It has been utter hell. At the start, he was so comforting, sweet, affectionate and protective but then started to gradually decline. He then went on to continually and constantly go behind my back to fulfil his drug related fascinations when I was clear from the start I am not wanting to be in a drug infested relationship. He has now gone behind my back in snorting Valium once with a girl on video chat to make me jealous as I was apparently being ungrateful and methamphetamine on multiple occasions whilst I thought I was pregnant with his child. Since then, he had confessed and promised it would be different. He stopped talking to the guy he did the drugs with and all seemed well.. turns out he snuck him back over and lied to me about what he was doing. He isolated me from all of my friends and family, he became incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. He even hit me and became physically violent when he found out I still found actors attractive. He didn’t want me to have a past before him and hates that I have a life of my own. He publicly humiliated me several times violently whilst in arguments simply because I was feeling depressed (with my clinical depression) and he felt like I could just snap out of it. It became unbearable and dangerous when I had to isolate with him during the start of COVID. Since then, we didn’t see each other through lockdown and I felt it was a good excuse for a break as talking to him about the negativities in our relationship always starts a never ending guilt trip and depressing phase. He seems to be rather positive and says he’s taken the abuse on board but my parents dislike him and I’m starting to have a life of my own again through meeting new friends at university. I’m worried he will start up again. I’m considering leaving him but scared of what he may do; he’s told me several times that he’d kill himself if I left as he has literally no one else. This is true, I am the only person he talks to ever! Even his parents refuse to socialise with him and he hates himself yet says he can get any girl he wants and continually puts me and my intelligence down in comparison to his own.. it’s all so difficult and this is my first long term relationship as I’m only 19. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Lena
7:31 PM
Mon 26th Oct, 2020

I am in a relationship with a guy who is super sweet, kind, gentle, chivalrous has lots of friends, great job and seems 95% normal. He is even nicer than some NT men. I believe he is on the very very mild end of the spectrum with some quirks associated with Apergers such as not good with physical affection, saying insensitive things occasionally and not very good romantic relationship skills initially which was hard but his change is consistent now. Now he is such a great boyfriend........From the testimonials I am reading, there is a lot of advice to not marry someone with Aspergers at all... How can I tell if he is masking or sincerely a great guy with very very mild Aspergers?.... It would be terrible for me to end a relationship based on assuming that he is masking especially if he wasn't .....but the testimonials about masking also scare me...... Are there any tell tale of masking? .....Any advice on this situation?..... Do persons with mild Aspergers still mask? ....Has anyone experienced marrying someone with who didn't have serious symptoms of Aspergers and made genuine change and stuck to it?....:) Thanks


Heinrich
6:19 AM
Mon 26th Oct, 2020

Hi, I have read some testimonials lately talking about mild Aspergers. I wanted to give my two cents about it. I would rather call it high functioning autism. And I think a lot of the testimonials are about high functioning autists. The guy I dated was very normal a lot of the time. He had friends and a good-paying job. He claimed he was "a little" autistic, but damn, it was a roller-coaster ride. He was so sweet and cold and sweet and cold. Most of the time he was normal - more than normal, the perfect man. But then he got very narcissistic and he really hurt me (not physically). Just one example about how he looked normal but wasn't: he hated to spend time with people unless it was centred around information gathering. He didn't like bowling, theatre or dancing. But he would always go with his colleagues to not be the only one who didn't go. As he told me once, if he is doing something, there always has to be a benefit for him. So when people say "mild" autistic, I think people here are referring to high functioning autists who are just very good at masking. And as soon as the mask gets its cracks, it is horrifying. Most in here dated that wonderful wo/man who often has a good job, colleagues, and "friends". I am writing about this because I want to hear your opinion on that. What do you think? Do there exist autists who are nts with quirks? Or are the mild ones just the guys who are very good in pretending to be normal, but are just as autistic as anyone else? Sorry for my bad English.


Kate O
4:05 AM
Mon 26th Oct, 2020

Viola, I really felt like you and I had a similar experience. For the first 6 or 7 months, he was sweet, attentive, seemed to be fully committed to us in a forever kind of way. We felt we were soulmates and I was so happy. Then he began criticizing about stupid stuff-like was I recycling a can? Made such a big deal about it and looked at me like I was dirt. Then he would get impatient and make cruel remarks-he thought he was smarter than anyone. He also did the ghosting thing. We would have a fight and he would leave, then stay gone for months. He blamed me for everything that went wrong. He loved me when everything was going his way and I had no needs. We have been apart for 6 months this time and I will cut off my arm before contacting him because he refuses to acknowledge that he needs help or there is something really wrong with him. I miss the person I met, but this other man has zero accountability and is cold and cruel. I really stayed because he did not have anyone else to date and he liked having sex and being told how great he was. One day he just got upset, told me he did not love me and that was it. I don't know if an aspie man comes back, and I admit I really loved him. The problem was he could not love me. He was sooooo self-absorbed and obsessed with himself. I spent 3 years trying to figure out what was going on with him and he could put on a gentle face but then shift quickly. IT all was about him. I don't think it bothered him at all when our relationship ended. He just goes on. I have grieved it for months, especially since he left me at the beginning of COVID. These men are not normal and it has taken me a long time to realize that the larger part of him is a mechanical robot. IF you ever read the entries in the ASperger's thread on reddit, you realize that these guys worry more about a smell or loud noise or their interests, but not about people. They are stunted and I can see how they destroy people. I put so much in trying to rescue him that I lost my self-esteem and was in a complete state of breakdown and exhaustion. They say they have feelings and miss people, but only those with a light form of Asperger's. The rest will break you down, show no concern and leave in a mess. They turn away and forget you. There is also a very covert narc trait to these people-they glorify and small achievement and are all about them and what you do for them. No effort on the part of an Aspie man unless it is to get what he wants. And passive aggressive? Whoa! They manipulate and then blame everything on their Aspergers.


Aspie Wife
11:11 PM
Sun 25th Oct, 2020

In response to someone talking about therapists. My therapist told me to quit talking so much to my husband and believes he doesn't have Aspergers, but something else like OCD. I finally just said, I know you don't think he has Aspergers, but he has something and it infiltrates every part of our marriage.


Josefina
5:56 PM
Sun 25th Oct, 2020

i I´m from Sweden (excuse my english)and found this wondefull site. I dated a man with AS and ADD for 3 months. I broke up with him two days ago and find my self wondering what happended. It got serious realy fast.He was perfect in every way. I live with a vulvodynia and he told me it did not matter to him, that we could do other things in bed and kissing and hugging. He just wanted to be with me. He came on his bike and comforted me when I was sad, he bought me underwear for my birthday on our second date. Hi told me he had AS so I was always super distinct and even wrote things about e.g. what I whanted and sex down in e-mails so that there would be no missunderstandings. I soon saw some weird things, but nothing I could´t live with. The lack of initiativ was starting to become a problem. A week ago we had our first big fight. We were carrying a heavy out door table in to winter storage at my summer house. All of a sudden he starts pushing and pulling way too fast and hard, almost destroying the table. I say stop, I cant lift that fast, i´ve hurt my hand. Afterwards I ask him why hi became so aggressive and he says he was anoyed at me. -Whit what? -I cant remember he replies....When comes crazy things like: If you say that again I´ll walk out on you. if you do that again, we have no future. Since we where on my island and we had taken the boat out of the water he could not leave. He also tells me that it did not happen the way I remember. For some reason we kiss and make up with out me getting any wiser two days later. Four days later, He is coming to stay in my house for the first time, because one of my 4 kids is saying with me full time, and tonight she is at her fathers for the first time. I have big plans. So has he. He tells me he has been fantazising about me all day in a message. He arrives and we start making out, but then he says he can try if I want.... I turn that offer down. I trie in the evening too but no response at all. Next day I´m super clear with what I want. You just cant miss it!!! He pretends like nothoing is going on and totaly ignors me. In the evening I ask him if he does not like my place, why he ignors me and trie to tell him I feel low self confidence and sad when he does not even say, sorry I have a head ache or something. Then he says he did not understand that I wanted sex on any of the occations. He also say the situations has not hapened and that I´m crazy. Then he gets aggressive again and tells me how bad I am, but he wont tell me in which 4 ways. I call hin a lier for saying he did not understand the obvious. Then he gets mental and jumps in an out of bed and threatens to leave me if I ever say that again or do this and so on. I go silent and ask him to calm down. He beggs me to talk to him, but I cry now and say I wont because you jump at everything I say. He ended up threatening to walk away och leave me 5 times that night. Next morning I get a message saying: Hi honey, I hope you´ve sleept well. Cant you give me a call later, I love you. In my opinion hi has managed to get at least 4 narcisistic/psycopathic/psycic abuse things in to one night. Blocking the other person from speaking their mind effectivly remove any possibility of the original problem, gaslighting, moving focus from the original problem to me beeing wors, threatening to leave, aggressive behaviour and in the morning pretending like nothing happened....I thought Aspies where kind people, not abusers. Perhaps hi is an involuntary narcissist, but its just the same to me. I have been traumatised by a narc once so my tolerance is zero. Maybee my Aspie did not understand that...Was I to mean leaving on the spot?


maggie
8:46 AM
Sun 25th Oct, 2020

This is for Darcey - you said a lot of things so well and I feel the same way. You as an NT have empathy and want a relationship, to be together and be seen by him. Dr Kathy Marshack says aspies want to talk about topics, not feelings as we do, they don't get all the feelings stuff because they can't. You say "There is so much missing between us, and he doesnt miss it bc he cant know what it is." YES! And it will never change.


maggie
8:22 AM
Sun 25th Oct, 2020

D80R80 I am very sorry to say that in my experience and what I have read there is NO light at the end of the tunnel. You live 250 miles apart and only see this man on weekends, imagine if you were living in the same place. Alex whose comment is just before yours is right "The only possible end is a broken heart and a nervous breakdown, if not worse." I also say run far away. I have been married 40+ years and it has broken my heart and my spirit. I wish I would have run a long time ago.


Nana T.
10:10 PM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

Just thought I"d reshare Maria's experience, since I think she deserves more of a response and advice. "I hate my life. I rearranged my entire life in another state to help my Asperger boyfriend with a new business venture. All he does is rage out at how much I'm NOT doing..."What do you do for 8 hrs of the fucking day?!" It takes 3 hrs a day just to keep his environment in a state that won't flip him out every day... and even that he tells me how mediocre I am at it. The rest of the hours is handling administrative crap that simply is too "overwhelming" for his "high-functioning" brain to handle or time is taken up cleaning up his messes... from him not paying bills or missing appointments or not picking up much needed RXs. Tells me to leave on a weekly basis yet when I start packing my stuff he becomes an even bigger asshole. Talk about mixed signals. I don't know whoever said people with Asperger's have a hard time lying cuz mine doesn't. He's cheated on me more than once and has made several more attempts but won't admit to it or apologize for it even when faced with the black and white of emails...and let's not forget the sex videos he took with the 25yr old whore he was training. Videos he doesn't know I've found and kept...just in case they serve a future purpose. He talks about wanting to put a bullet in his head. I often want to hand him a bullet so we can both stop being miserable. I honestly don't know if I'd even be sad...I toggle back and forth with feeling like this. I have 1 good day for every 4 days of hell he brings. I'm laying here on the couch where I've made my bed for the night because I can't stand to be around him right now. I'm wondering how has eight years passed and this is where I'm at How did this environment develop so insidiously. I actually take a lot of comfort in knowing that a lot of other NT partners have wondered the same... it's unreal the progression of time and the sudden realization of acute misery and feeling stuck. F my life."


Jacqueline
1:56 PM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

Found this site, whilst looking for a way to explain intimacy to my AS husband. We’ve been married for 20 years, we’ve known each other since childhood, he was only diagnosed around 5 years ago, so I spent 13 years wondering where the person who courted me before we married had gone. Once we found out I’ve spent the last 5 years working out how to help him and keep myself sane. I feel I broke a bit last night because we had the annual chat about Christmas, he doesn’t want to celebrate, no tree, no presents, no people. I said how important it is to me and that I know with Covid it’s going to look different but that we will be doing Christmas. His reply, we’ve done it your way for 20 years, it’s not all about you!! This has been said before, but this year I just feel broken. How can I explain the daily compromises I make with the lack of affection, no foreplay ever in sex, not been kissed properly for at least 16 years. The fact when his step daughter got married (ex husband in Canada, not been present in girls lives for 24 years) I had to do the speech p, whic was an honour, but then he left around 7pm because he couldn’t cope anymore and I was there without him for the rest of the wedding. No desire to want to share walks with me, no understanding of why I get upset when he goes on a drinking bender whilst he’s on various medications. I found my story reflected in that one page about intimacy but I don’t know what to do, I’m deeply in love with him and won’t leave but how do I begin to make myself feel better?


Shannon
10:19 AM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

Erin, please listen. It doesn't matter whether or not he is on the spectrum. He is abusive. You want him to leave your home and he won't. Time to call the authorities. Seriously. Be safe and sure of your rights. I wish you the best.


Erin
5:45 AM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

All of these comments and experiences have greatly helped me. I have a graduate degree in social psychology and feel like a complete and utter fool. Like most of us, I have had my share of challenging relationships. But nothing prepared me for this man. I met him 2 years ago, he was handsome, charming, talented, highly intelligent, loving, loyal and kind. I told my friends I won the lottery. I couldn't believe my luck. I met the perfect man. OMG. I don't even recognize myself anyone. Sad, depressed, lonely, flat, financially a wreck. Numb beyond belief. I read that once you remove yourself it gets better. Joy in life returns. I have been subjected to financially supporting him (he quit his job and lay on couch for over a year), I cook for him, do all the cleaning, do the laundry, make sure he showers and brushes his teeth. Its quite unbelievable. He has me under surveillance, hacked my email, my phone, has gone through my entire home. I didn't invite him to move in, he just did. He uses everything against me and wants me to delete every memory I have ever had apart from him. He is violent, emotionally and physically abusive and aggressive. He is such a bully. My days are filled with name calling, insults and accusations. Yet he has no clue how he behaves or how it is wrong. He prefers quiet and isolation. He has an unusual fascination with technology. He has me cut off from the world. I am exhausted. Here's the thing. He wont leave. He simply refuses to move out. I have never seen anyone behave like this. Today he agreed to leave in next few days. He keeps saying wants to leave but then its as if nothing happened, and no conversation took place. Soooooo challenging. Of course, he has just gone back to a very low paying job, and has no car. My last resort is to call the authorities. Anyone else gone through a refusal to leave? Oh and he wont get diagnosed, but I am sure, 100% sure that he is an AS and I am an NT. I am exasperated.


D80R80
2:43 AM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

I’ve been dating my bf for the passed 8 months. There have been some good times often then not. He does get these emotional rages and if I do not seem to be listening and providing comfort, he lashes out at me and makes me feel like the bad guy even though he says he isn’t trying to make me out to be the bad guy. I’ve read most of the comments from this month and I find I have a lot in common with most of them. He wants me to comfort him but no matter what I say, it’s not that right thing. We live 250 miles away from each other only seeing each other about 2-3 weekends a month. I feel that when it comes to his emotions, it’s better when we are face to face. On the phone, I don’t seem to get through. It’s almost like he has a script in his brain that I have to recite and if I don’t, then I’m not listening and I’m basically the worst gf in the world. Then he compares me to all that he’s ever had a relationship with and still thinks that we are the issue, not him. He often says that he feels we all have Aspergers and that he’s the normal one. When we have an issue, I will recite the same script he prompted me the last time and it will still be wrong. I’ve voiced this and he basically puts me down for not knowing how to handle him. I’ve got a Psychology degree and still I’m lost. I do my best because I love him and his daughters but he says I don’t because how could I if I’m one of his triggers and that I seem to not know what I’m doing. He refuses to say he loves me. I want to think that he’s just scared but sometimes I just think he doesn’t realize what he has with me. It hurts so much but I can’t break up with him. I want to have a future with this man. We’re 40 yrs old. He’s already a grandfather. Please give me a light at the end of the tunnel. I saw some say that therapy won’t work. Is this true for all? He’s only known about his Aspergers for 5 years so he’s also still learning about it. Any words will help. I appreciate everyone on this site. Thank you for whomever started it.


Alex
1:54 AM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

If someone has not yet fallen in love, run away. If someone has already fallen in love, run away even further. The only possible end is a broken heart and a nervous breakdown, if not worse. There is no end to frustration and disappointment. There is always more, even when you don't expect it, when you think that this time is going to be fine, there it is again. You will never be seen or recognized, never. His/her heart will not soften one day and say all you need to hear, not even a minimum. Is just a mirage, beautiful to see, but cant interact with it. Completely merciless.


Jen
1:09 AM
Sat 24th Oct, 2020

I've been on and off on this site for a while now and when I read other peoples stories I just think "holy shit, that is my life". I get that everyone is different and each relationship is different but there are so many similarities its just nuts. It's only recently started bothering me how when I try to explain the things that me and the bf are dealing with to other people that have never had a relationship with someone on the spectrum they look at me like I am the problem. I should be the one to be more patient, or be more understanding. There is only so much patience and understanding that a person can give before they feel like they are loosing their damn mind! I tried to go to counseling but it turns out there are not many therapists that are familiar with NT/AS relationships and I pretty much got told that maybe I should be more direct with him when I speak since his ability to read another person’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions isn't as well adapted as mine and that why we have communication issues. LOL People know that I am NOT one to beat around the bush with anything when I speak. I am a total Sagittarius when it comes to telling people what is on my mind and what I need, want, etc. It just doesn't work in my relationship. "Hey babe, the garbage is full and too heavy for me to take out, can you please come and take it out now for me so I can put in a new bag?"....somehow translates to "So the garbage is almost full, I can probably cram some more stuff in there so just take it out when you feel like it." I have no idea how he even processes things I say, let alone try to figure out how to say something that he will understand. The other day he was playing with his airsoft guns in the back yard. I asked him to please not do that in the yard because the dogs were out and I didn't want any of them to accidentally get shot by a BB. He told me ok, but as I'm walking back in the house I hear the dog start yelping and its because he accidentally shot a BB and it bounced off the fence and hit the dog in the face. When I asked him what happened he flipped out and told me that I was distracting him and that's why the dog accidentally got shot.....I said the dog got shot because I asked you to not do that in the yard when the dogs were out and again I get yelled at that's is my fault because I am distracting him. Honestly at this point I have given up. We are not married and will never get married. I go to work, pay my bills and do whatever I want at this point. He is more my room mate. He will either figure it out or he wont but when I'm ready to sell the house and move he will not be coming with me. Thank you for letting me vent and to just get all this off my chest. If it wasn't for this site I would have lost my mind a while ago! Thank you for making me see that I am not alone and I am not crazy! Much love to everyone here!


cassandra
11:18 AM
Fri 23rd Oct, 2020

Hi Jeanie, I am married to a man with mild asperger’s syndrome for the last 25 years w/o knowing anything about it. Oh no! My life has been hella of roller coaster ride. He is good looking, gentle, kind and generous, but completely unmindful of my existence. To outsiders, we have a wonderful life, loving, caring and successful couple. Only I know the hurt and pain caused by his cluelessness and rigidity. We only realized it about a year and half. He tries to change, but he genuinely cant change. The biggest challenge is the lack of connectivity. We don’t do things together, there is absolutely no synchrony in anything - eating or sleep patterns, entertainment or travel choices. We don’t enjoy anything together. He is a workaholic and that’s the only thing he enjoys. He makes good money, but doesn’t know how to spend or invest. He wont pay bills on time incurring penalties all the time. Decision making is another big problem, he wont easily settle down for anything. He will want me to do to research and present to him all options and he would settle down for a mediocre choice. The physical intimacy is totally absent except for sex, which is a routine act. We hardly have common friends, he invites people he is comfortable with and put the burden on me for socializing, cooking meals and entertaining them. And surely my guests wont be entertained. Anything and everything is done on his terms. Sadly he is not doing any of them purposely, he is simply unaware that he is hurting me. Another big issue is lack of empathy. Oh my God! When I suffered in menstrual pain, had undergone 2 surgeries, he was totally unempathetic with his words and behavior. He was loud, boisterous, having fun with his nieces in the hospital. Every time I point out his errors, he would appear to regret and try to change, but genuinely he is unable to do. He never misses my absence, just self-engrossed all the time. The bright side is I have 100% freedom to do what I want so long as I don’t involve him – travel, finance, work. There is no much restrictions, but it could be he cares less. The biggest downside of this marriage is I have my son who is also an aspie. God lord! The trouble he gives, I can’t express. I disapproved his girl friend 3 years ago and since then he has completely shut us out from his life. Wont call, wont attend to my call, wont respond to my msgs, wont tell me where he lives, whether he is married to her or not. Only because of this incident I figured out that Aspergers runs in his family. I am still tormented by him, trying to rebuild our relationship, but its hard and slow. Final verdict, aspies wont change, either you both get used to each other or you part your ways. Either way, its you who will get hurt. They wont feel the pain. I am a smart and intelligent woman (that’s what my extended family think of me), but right now I am crumbled, lost all my confidence and become negative. Why I continue? Codependency and I genuinely love my family. Knowing about aspergers is a blessing in disguise. I am glad I know why they are the way they are, but I am disappointed that they will never change.


Flá
8:21 AM
Fri 23rd Oct, 2020

I believe that most people on the forum were enchanted by the masks worn by our aspies at the beginning of the relationship. While they maintained everything, it was a wonderful fable. But in the end, we know that it neeeever existed, it was a very well promoted illusion! And then, in the moment of mourning, the mind is confused to determine what was reality and what was illusion. I find it very difficult to understand the true and illusory moments. What is the suggestion to go through the moment of mourning rationalizing that everything was an illusion? My memories don't respect my rationalization and I miss that lie.


Viola
6:06 AM
Fri 23rd Oct, 2020

It's enlightening to read everyone's accounts. I've been trying to remind myself what it would've have been had my ex and I stayed together. I was in a two-year relationship with a guy who is suspected of Aspergers (undiagonosed, but he admitted that he's scored highly everytime he took the online assessments). Some time has passed since he left abruptely (sudden and emotional breakup for both of us) but before that, we had a very close relationship, spending time everyday. He was completely different in the beginning, constantly sweet, loving and acting very much in love. I thought I'd never met someone like this before, thought I found my soulmate. He said the same. The first 6-7 months were great, but after we started to live close together things just spiralled down. Little by little, he never acknowledged my worth anymore, and ignored all the things I was doing for the relationship. Any affection and care I had were completely ignored or disregarded. I was doing most of the housework and whenever we've visited his family I'd buy gifts and cards and do things for their birthdays - he just didn't do anything and piggybacked on them, a lot of the times not mentioning that they were prepared by me. None of the things he promised in the early part of the relationship never came true, whether it be any practical plans or long term commitments. I felt he stopped paying any attention to me. I was a fairly confident person before but started to really question myself on who/what I was. I started to feel completely invisible. People tell me that I am lucky he left, but a part of me questions this. I think it's because I am still hurt and don't quite grasp what actually went on. I am also very hesitant to get into another relationship with anyone, especially with those online, as so many men seem to exhibit the traits on the spectrum. Everyone's words and comments reassure me that I am meant to be where I am though - so thank you for sharing your stories. Please stay strong everyone, my heart goes out to all of you.


Vicky
3:11 AM
Fri 23rd Oct, 2020

To the last two testimonials I will reply to both of you. Looking back at the beginning of my marriage I can absolutely see the Asperger behavior. I had no idea what Asperger’s was and only through my own extensive research did I come to this conclusion. Remember in the beginning of a relationship with someone that has this trait they are wearing a mask and giving you their very best based on imitating other relationships they’ve seen in either movies or around them. The issues you are dealing with today will magnify exponentially as the years go on. If I could have gone back and rerouted the direction of the relationship I would never have married him nor moved in with him. I think as the years went on we would’ve faded away from each other because they lose interest and it would have been so much easier to just fade away. Everyone on this site understands the temptation you have to stay in a relationship with someone like this, you cannot even imagine the emotional damage that will occur to you as the years go by. Please do your own research and proceed with caution. Good luck


Jeanie
6:31 PM
Thu 22nd Oct, 2020

Hello, my boyfriend is exhibiting mild Aspergers traits (in comparison to the testimonials I am reading here). He is Nice, kind, very quiet, socially awkward, gentle, doesnt show emotions, sometimes rigid, has some restrictive interests etc. But this isnt obvious to an outsider. Have any of you married someone like this with very mild traits and does it stay like this after marriage or are there surprises on store? What is it like being married to someone who isnt expressive with words? Thanks


Phoebe
6:22 PM
Thu 22nd Oct, 2020

Hi All, I was wondering if any of you knew that your husband had Aspergers before you married him? Were there signs or were they just not obvious? Was he the same after marriage? Would love to hear your insight. Thanks


Amber
4:50 PM
Thu 22nd Oct, 2020

Athena..18th Oct post. I really relate to your comments on NT burnout and withdrawing. I have felt living around my father-in-law to be able to manage my frustration, hurt, confusion and emotional pain which usually leads to crying or saying harsh things which then ultimately leads to guilt, which an HFA doesn't seem to experience due to no empathy, but I seem to have alot of, I have had to live around him as though he is not in the house with us. This is so alien to me as I was in care work for most of my working life and I feel an instinct to help someone if they have a problem. Unfortunately we were in the process of having an annexe converted for him so my husband and I could put some space between us but due to Covid pandemic there has been a delay. The awful thing is I think he doesn't care that I don't interact with him, let's face it we are still doing everything for him so he is getting what he wants, Its just a whole lot easier for me as I felt I was mimicking his compulsive behaviour by compulsively trying to sort his problem out. Like I could fix that!! Not.🙄


David
7:14 PM
Wed 21st Oct, 2020

What I have learned about relationships in general, is that an "ex" is an ex for a reason. And going back to that person may be comfortable at first, like an old shoe that fits well but soon reveals its cracks. That's why it's always better to find someone new. And this is with an NT-NT relationship. Consider the fact that an NT-aspie relationship is even more problematic, because it was never really based on reality in the first place, but merely an act created by the aspie to pull you in, only to discard you once he or she found a new "special interest." With an NT-NT relationship, at least there is a kernel of sincerity behind the attraction, but with an NT-aspie relationship, it's all a facade. Don't go back to an ex, regardless of whether your ex is NT or aspie. But if your ex is an aspie, realize that you are going back to an illusion that you've created in your own mind, and which will hurt you in the end. With an aspie, I've learned that the only way that I could move forward was to cut them out of my life as soon as possible. No more obsessing over what "was", because it NEVER was. No more obsessing over what could have been, because there is no real future with someone like this. Block them everywhere so that you cannot even hope to hear from them. Save your hope for someone else who will appreciate you, not for someone who just views you as an object to toy with from time to time. I realize that it's hard to block someone whom you hope to hear from, but you must do it to preserve your sanity, and to start with a clean slate. You DON'T want to hear back from an aspie ex, even if you think you do. There are plenty of normal, loving, empathetic NTs who deserve you instead.


Batasp
9:03 AM
Wed 21st Oct, 2020

What are the chances of an ex-aspie boyfriend returning contact after a relationship breakup? Why do they come back after months away? I have the feeling that my ex left me in "Stand by" in a very strategic way for the future (when he chooses to be "the right moment"). While he doesn't have "the perfect and best time for him", I'm like a ghost in his life. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Avoiding interaction with me makes him "have more time" effortlessly and confrontations of normal human interaction. PS: I don't think more than once about never falling into his trap again!😷😡


Kitty
3:32 AM
Wed 21st Oct, 2020

Had lunch with aspie ex yesterday. First time we've spoken/met up since splitting up 8 months ago. We had a quick walk in the park after lunch and he made a pass at me. It was as if nothing had changed between us. No respect for boundaries, still treating me like an interchangeable object. When he left to go back to work, his eyes immediately switched focus. I could tell that as soon as he began walking away from me he had already forgotten about me. He said "I'll call you in a couple of weeks time. I'm really busy." I got home and immediately joined a dating website and spent the evening talking to a man online. I now plan to meet a few guys. I have to move on and get out of my mental rut. I love him still and the grieving process has been hard and slow (partly thanks to lockdown and living on my own). I know that I have to accept that my ex didn't really miss me. He will never, and cannot ever love me, and that he will not miraculously change.


Vicky
11:28 PM
Tue 20th Oct, 2020

Darcy - I divorced six months ago after a 21 year relationship and you put me right back to what my life was like on a daily basis. I feel so heavy inside after reading what you wrote because it caused me situational depression. I promise you if you get out you will not believe how much happier and free you will feel. The relief of not being burdened by someone not being a partner is amazing. I am so happy being single right now and have no energy for another relationship. However I have never felt this level of bliss in over 31 years which is the total amount of time I have spent with two different husbands. Please save yourself, take care of yourself and love yourself by leaving.


Idem
3:51 PM
Tue 20th Oct, 2020

It is good definition of autism: (clinical psychology) Bio-neurological disorder that is observable in early childhood with symptoms of abnormal self-absorption, characterised by lack of response to other humans and by limited ability or disinclination to communicate and socialize. abnormal self-absorbtion........... The word "autism" comes from the Greek word "autos," which means "self." It describes conditions in which a person is removed from social interaction. In other words, he becomes an “isolated self.” Eugen Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, was the first person to use the term.


Darcey
3:12 PM
Tue 20th Oct, 2020

I think the hardest times are when Im struggling amd need so e support, whether its nc of a family problem, work stress (which is a lot) or just worry about the uncertainty of how he behaves and feel run down, exhausted and need a little support. And cant get it. I go through the motions as he plucks away on ideas for yard work, or grand ideas for something like changing the carpet, all the while never noticing anything in me. Dying inside, or just depressed and out of gas. Its just my body walking around, no difference to him. Today I was accused of not wanting to do anything. (After six work days in a row in healthcare Im effing spent). My exhaustion is annoying to him. Ive ruined his mood. And by getting out of bed and sitting on the couch in my stupor of exhaustion, Ive inconvenienced him by being near him. Im depressed. I need help. I need love. I need something. A conversation that reflect he sees me. But I sit and he continues on his ipad, showing me various video topics on the same thing. Filling up the space and time with meaningless discussions about material things. It has dawned on me before, but it was glaring today...that there can never be the contentment between us, when two people just enjoy eachothers company bc they like one another. That they can have a simple back and forth exchange demonstrating u derstand of the other in that exact moment. Im fairly certain he doesnt actually like that I have a personality. He prefers me controlled and quiet. There is so much missing between us, and he doesnt miss it bc he cant know what it is. I feel suddenly too heavy with the weight of my own body as I drag me back upstairs...its too much, and I know in my heart, it has to be over. He sends me a text after I retreat telling me Im stupid bc of how I intend to vote. He doesnt even see, the woman he says he “loves” feels like leaving and seeking other company bc I cant do this alone. And with him, Im alone. But I need people.


Alex
3:27 AM
Tue 20th Oct, 2020

This page is a great help for me to clarify some aspects of my failed relationship. First of all after many time feeling that was something strange in "my undiagnosed-aspie"(now i believe she knows), searching on the net, i found this place and everything made sense. So many people with similar experiences made me realize that i was not losing my mind. I have also seen that my ex-something has problably some borderline traits. And understood that i am a codependent person, due to a narcissistic father problably. So now, everytime i feel broken, empty, fooled or just want to text her, i read the posts one more time to give me strenght and say to myself that is my codependency hitting hard. Everytime that she hurts me, because we work togheter and she is now with another person and does not take any care in not hurting me, it helps a little bit to make it feel less personal (no, i dont want to go with you and your new partner to make a coffee, no, dont need you to explain me what you do with him, yes i also was not feeling like seeing your face today but i'm not being rude... and so). This page is really helping me a lot to get over this hell, to deal with it all. And also to understand what happened, for me its very important to know what happended so i dont have to blame myself of feel guilty for anything. There was absolutly nothing i could do to make it work and even if it hurts so much its a good thing for me that she left me. Just because she feels i talked too much about my emotinal needs (it was not too much, i measured evey single word for months, but made a couple of comments, as delicate as i could, on how she blocked communication with me when my mum died, for example, and previously a couple of times how it was difficult for me to deal with her continous random absence). Always being positive, emphatic and always always ending conversations saying nice stuff to her. Completely useless, now i know. That really hurts and one can feel very lonely in this situations, because no one around really knows how its been fo me, since she is sooo wonderful to everyone. She seems so mature, deep and committed... and it simply seems that i have been discarded by a loving and compassionate woman, no one knows about the pain behind the curtain. Is just not possible to see it. Her pain and emptiness, she seems so secure and is completely lost and terrified and the emotional hell i have been living. Always frustation and distance and silence... For me the worst has been the silence. So thanks for this site, is saving my life. And i must say that with time things are getting slightly better and though i feel deeply hurt, my life is much better right now. Sometimes i feel some peace inside, then stop everything and simply enjoy that feeling, which I did not feel even for moment during the time I was with her.


Idem
4:26 PM
Sun 18th Oct, 2020

Shannon@ >>>Such is life with these stiff, self-righteous, generally joy-sucking people>>>. This is so spot on- I have noticed the same if I longer spend time with autistic people I am always is MISERABLE. Lorelei@ Aspies are rigid,unflexible and they can't relate /understand other people point of view. That is why in my opinion they are unfit to be in relation with Nt's. As you said they think they are always right so if you don't agree with them they will try to force on you their opinions, or belittle you in arogant manners or completely ignore what you said as if you did not exist.


Athena
1:15 PM
Sun 18th Oct, 2020

I keep looking for something here that reflects me back and I can't because although I relate to some of the things that the mostly straight NT's say about their Aspie male partners, women Aspie's have different presentations, for instance trying to blend in by developing a special interest in trying to understand relationships, means they often aren't recognised until they are in a primary relationship or in a work role that requires more relational and emotional skills. One of the things I really relate to is the crazy making aspect of me (and our kids) being the only ones who "see" it. I guess I am fortunate in that my woman partner knows she is Aspie and really is doing so much to try and grow relationally, but we are both exhausted. She keeps feeling like a failure and I feel I have turned into someone I don't like, which is the NT burn-out, being dismissive, withdrawing, angry, reactive, even nasty and then I hate myself, because I don't want to be like that, yet it's almost compulsive in me to keep joining the emotional dots for her, which cognitively I know is useless because it is just groundhog day. Same pattern over and over.... I know deep down she can't change, even though she wants to so much, and I have lost my joy and hope - and yet I know she is a good person and I feel like I'm expecting too much, but I don't seem to know how to change either. Everyone loves her. She is really good at her job, but never puts energy into friendships and forgets so much that is important to me, and becomes defensive and reactive, not seeming to recognise the difference between criticism and care. That has gone on for so long now, that I have become more critical, because part of me thinks what is the point, because she thinks I'm being critical even when I'm trying to connect, so I may as well be. I don't think that consciously but I think that is what has started to happen. I know I am trained in rescuing and I can't stand to see her feel so bad when she yet again forgets, reacts, misses cues, etc. However it's not working for me and I think the worst thing for me is the isolation. I have lots of friends and family, but people even think I'm lucky because she has been socialised as a woman and although she gives love practically, lots of straight friends who don't understand Aspergers think I've got a better deal than they have with a typical Australian bloke who doesn't pull his weight in the domestic sphere. And that is true. So I feel small minded for complaining about not getting my relational and emotional needs met, because compared to many straight relationships I am better off. Yet the loneliness of having to explain what I mean over and over, and because I am a person who puts high value on emotional and relational connection, means that I am really struggling. And seriously there is NOTHING about same sex relationships in relation to NT - AS on the internet, which makes it even harder to be seen and understood. I understand Aspie's can feel isolated, misunderstood and not belonging, but so do I in the end. We have tried telling some friends together but really it is me that explains more even though my partner wants to share it, and then I can see they don't understand and it makes it worse.... well thanks for the purge.....


Nana T.
12:40 AM
Sun 18th Oct, 2020

@Maria, I feel angry just reading your comment. This man: 1. Curses at you, and doesn't appreciate what you do(including stuff that is HIS own responsiblity). 2. Has cheated on you more than once. Has made a SEX VIDEO with another woman on top of that. 4. Won't even admit to what he does 3. And yet you are still with him after all this and you are NOT even married to him. He's just a boyfriend. Why why why are you still with him? Ps: I'm a man, btw.


lorelei
10:08 PM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

I was wondering if anyone else had this experience. With my AS ex, if I had any sort of feeling that didn't match up with the way she felt about things, she would either say my feeling was wrong and I should change it, or would refuse to believe I felt that way at all. Case in point: she wanted to go to sex clubs and hook up with strangers; I don't like to sleep with people unless I have a strong connection with them, and I only want to be naked in front of the people I choose. She explained that she had a lot of shame around sex and was using the sex club thing to try to work through her issues - fair enough. But when I said I didn't want to go with her and didn't like the idea at all, she started pressuring me into going and said that I should "face my fears" and "stop being ashamed of my body". I just felt like she wasn't hearing what I was saying to her, and that she was projecting all of her own issues onto me. It also made me feel kind of sad because she was treating me as if something important to me was kind of valueless. This is just an example - it happened over and over and over again. If we happened to feel the same way about something, she could empathise because she could draw on her own feelings. If we had different opinions, mine was either incorrect or I was just faking my opinion because I couldn't acknowledge my true opinion, which was hers. I ended up feeling so completely invisible by the end of the relationship. Can anyone relate?


Mrs. Jones
10:04 PM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

I love my Aspie husband, but somedays, its very lonely. When I married my husband, I didn't know he had aspergers. His mother, who knew, who had him officially diagnosed as a child but never told him, warned me he had some "quirks". His mother is an extreme narcissist with an electra complex but that isn't why I am here, its because I have no one else to talk to about it. My husbands work does not know he has Aspergers and he wants to keep it private - only family can know. Except family, on both sides, don't really see him or know him well. They don't know what Aspergers is really like, or what I deal with at home. Do not get me wrong, he loves me, I love him, we have great chemistry ect. I understand his need for quiet and order. But, when he gets in a mood and goes silent or what I call his "stompy mood" - for any reason. I.e. a bad day at work, he didn't sleep well or I didn't finish the tasks he wanted me to get done, he gets very passive aggressive and shuts down. When he is in a good mood, he is super thoughtful and affectionate. Its the moody times that are lonely. I struggle knowing that his moods are not my fault, that they are not my responsibility, that it is not my job to keep him or get him out of these moods. But it is still lonely. I have tried to talk to him about it. How his behavior is hurtful. I get told "you act like I am beating you or something". He doesn't understand how the way he does something is just as important as what he does. I worry because we have a son - who he loves beyond all reason. But our 8 month old is still young. Once day I will have to explain that his Daddy loves him, but he has Aspergers, so sometimes it may seem like Daddy loves him less. This breaks my heart. I haven't brought it up to my husband, I don't know how, because my husband is determined to be a great father, he is afraid of being a bad one. But this morning, while he was doing dishes, our 8 month old attempted to get into the trash while I was in the bathroom. He yelled at him. He forgets he is talking to an 8 month old. I am not sure what to do. I don't want him to feel like a bad dad...but I want him not to yell at our son.


Shannon
10:03 PM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

Gaslit, you wrote: "I don't think therapy can work on autistic people because therapy relies on self-reporting. To self-report about your feelings and behaviors, you need to have both some amount of self-awareness and some amount of objectivity in comparing one's self to others." You've nailed it again. When my husband did the online test for aelf-diagnosing Aspergers he first scored himself not on the spectrum at all. He has no insight. Then I did it imagining I was him, and he was firmly on the scale for Aspergers. Even though he now acknowledges he's on the spectrum, he continues to see many of his behaviours and attitudes as right and good and is very defensive, even regarding slight, mild suggestions. Things I see as teamwork are interference and criticism to him. Like cooking. He'll make a salad for five people (our family) and I see there's only enough for two people, so I'll say, Do you want to add more lettuce? I don't think there's enough for five. And he'll get very defensive, saying "I can handle it. Don't interfere." If the tables were turned, I would honestly say, "You think we need more? Okay. You're probably right." And then I'll add more lettuce. Collaboration does not sting my ego. I donlt even mind when I'm driving and someone say, Let's take this other route, it;s faster. I say Great! Not him. He gets defensive. Everything becomes a conflict. Such is life with these stiff, self-righteous, generally joy-sucking people. You sound like a smart young woman, Gaslit. Good luck finding a fun, warm NT guy to spend your time with. I wish you the best!


Destroyed
12:54 PM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

My aspie bf chased me like crazy, convincing me that he loved me. He seemed so gentle and kind, at first. Soon the passive-aggressive comments and anger bursts out of nowhere began. We started fighting over his forgetting to show up for special holidays-usually with his mother. He was her caretaker and she berated him, and he shut her out and was angry with his sisters because they stayed away. On and on for over a year when I asked him where we stood, did he see a future? Did he think I was the one for him. He stared at me and said I was a question mark. He did say he loved me, mostly to get sex. He was into music and constantly talked about it, or any activity of the say in 1000 chapters. So after two years began the ghosting-if he felt uncomfortable he would leave, for months. Total silent treatment. Sometimes he would run into me and act normal. We would get back together a couple of months and then get into the same issue of his not knowing what he wanted. Then I got pregnant-right then he asked me to marry him. I was not happy. He was only doing it because he felt like he should. Flash forward I had a miscarriage, or so I thought. So after the miscarriage he withdrew his proposal picked a fight and left. I soon realized I was still pregnant but did not want him to return because of that. I tried to talk to him and he was stone cold. I went on, had the baby. He did not make it. Then I ran into him again and we talked. I told him what happened and he seemed to feel bad, then forgot about it. More issues with mom, on and on, and soon I knew she was near death. His sisters then told him his mom was a narcissist and that is why they stayed away. I told him she was not long for this world and he needed to say what needed to be said with love. By this point I was completely insane and showing a lot of physical issues. I got laid off and he pulled away and later told me he did not think he loved me anymore-this was by phone. I kind of lost it and then went home to find a note only saying "thanks for being kind to my mom-it meant the world" and then nothing. Never heard from him. Went to drop off his stuff and he looked blankly asking if I needed to talk. I just left. I still feel like I have lost my mind. I am home, isolated, still trying to figure what happened. I beat up myself for getting angry when he told me he no longer cared. Like the 3 years was nothing. I was nothing. On my bad says I just think and think. But he is perfectly on with his life. Was it real at all? I am a shell of who I was, anxious, untrusting. Hell on earth. Any guidance would be appreciated.


Gaslit
7:33 AM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

I wanted to expand on my comment from earlier this week about how I believe therapists are big part of the problem with relationship issues between normally-developed people and autistic people, and why I don't believe therapy can help. My current boyfriend has seen three different mental health professionals, but then he just lies about himself, incorrectly reports his behaviors and issues, and ultimate has gotten a lot of external validation that there's nothing wrong with him. I don't think therapy can work on autistic people because therapy relies on self-reporting. To self-report about your feelings and behaviors, you need to have both some amount of self-awareness and some amount of objectivity in comparing one's self to others. I've dated two autistic men and known many more since I work in STEM, and they are absolutely oblivious to it when they are acting strangely or hurtfully. Remember, the etymology of the term autism is self-ism, an obsession with the self an inability to perceive the world beyond the self. My current boyfriend has received a formal diagnosis from one therapist and completed the diagnostic paperwork for another, so I've read two sets of forms where an autistic person is asked, in essence, "Do you think you're weird?" Of course they don't think they're weird! They think they're normal and that the rest of us are oversensitive and crazy. The therapist who diagnosed him had me fill out a questionnaire that mirrored one he filled out, and it's like we were scoring an entirely different person. There were questions such as "I can cook a meal by myself" or "I can maintain a clean living space." My boyfriend rated himself on all of these questions as the most fully-functioning option on a scale, whereas my ratings of him were a mix of middle to low scores. He perceived all of these "are you a functional adult?"-type questions not as statements of current events, like "I have a clean living space" but more as hypothetical challenges, like "If I absolutely had to for a one-time special occasion to impress others, it is possible that I could clean my living space." Before we moved in together when he was still masking full time, we would go to my apartment, and I only dropped by his apartment once when he wasn't expecting me. All the windows were covered in blackout curtains or black plastic because he hates light/airflow, it smelled like mold, and there was garbage strewn all over the floor like it a was a crack house. It was horrifying. He swore it was because he'd been extremely busy at work and he was ashamed for me to accidentally see that. However, after we moved in together, he told me that the piles of moldy garbage were his normal state and he didn't see anything wrong with that. He firmly believes that I have obsessive compulsive disorder because I don't want to have rancid food containers scattered around my living space. In his mind, it's not him who is gross, it's me who is too clean. That's what happens in the brains of autistic people - they always center their own beliefs/actions as normal and will not consider that they might be the one acting strangely. So, the boyfriend will take autism diagnosis forms and self-report his that he is a fully functional adult, whereas I see him as someone who should have had a case worker checking in on him because he clearly doesn't function at the level of a normal adult. My boyfriend's autism also manifests as sensory perception issues, which he denies. If there is any level of background noise, far below what any normal person would consider "noisy," he can't hear what I'm saying and I sometimes have to repeat myself so loudly that people around us stare. He struggles to parse spoken information, which he says it's only because someone had "such a heavy accent there's NO WAY to understand them." But, the person had zero accent and was speaking in clear and well-enunciated English. I know this developmental disability is not his fault, but it bothers me that he refuses to consider that he's the one with a problem. When I brought this up with two of his therapists, he's said things like, "Well of course I can't hear you if you're whispering in an extremely loud environment with tons of people yelling! No one could!" And the therapist agreed with him. But, to him, an "extremely loud environment" is a sparsely-populated grocery store where someone 40 feet away says something at a volume level that barely registers to me. He is sensitive to temperature and overreacts easily. Recently, he almost got us in a car accident when he swerved around on the road because all of a sudden he hollers, "OH MY GOD I'M SO HOT IT'S LIKE I'M ON FIRE" while trying to whip off his jacket in the car like it was full of stinging wasps. He could have killed us in a car crash because the temperature went from 70 degrees to 70.5 degrees and that sent him into a fight-or-flight writhing painful panic, and he thinks that's normal. I've tried bringing up his sensory perception issues in sessions with two of his therapists in hopes they might have some sort of exercises or even anxiety medications he could try to work on this, and both times, his opinion that he doesn't have sensory perception issues always overruled my observations. He lies about his life and severely downplays his issues, and then trots around all proud of himself that he's found three different therapists to assure him he's only just barely on the spectrum, if at all. Therapists, even ones who market themselves as autism specialists, see an autistic person's mask and don't realize it's a mask, despite "masking" being a well-known autistic behavior. It boggles my mind that mental health professionals don't seem to see any problem in letting these compulsive liars self-report and self-diagnose. I would have thought they would be less susceptible to manipulation by autistic people, but my experience shows they are far more susceptible to it.


Leah
7:07 AM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

@Idem on October 6th - Thank you for that explanation. It was just amongst the most messed up aspects of my relationship with an Aspie. He was very upfront and almost obsessive in talking about sex and the wonders of it. Not just to me, but he would often bring up sex with people he hardly knew; often to a TMI situation when the people weren't that familiar with him yet. You could tell he spent years reading about/analyzing the psychology behind intimacy, so he could talk on and on about it. And yet, after the honeymoon phase was over, only a little over a month after we had gotten together, he just couldn't or wouldn't do it, and that mask quickly came off; in his tantrums he would often get mad about us not doing it anymore, but never could explain/would talk about why that was. My aspie ex had a sensory aversion to seams in clothing and tags, so he often liked being completely naked when at home. When he went out he usually wore the same shirts everyday, inside out, to compromise, but he was extremely good looking, so most purple were able to look past that with him; he was never able to hold a job either so wardrobe wasn't a concern for him. He would often get a hard-on when I was there, and he was just going about his day naked. Sometimes he'd even walk around me naked, with a hard on taking non-stop about something totally unrelated and I'd just be there listening and showing very obvious signs of desire. He would just go on standing there, and talking and talking though, so after 15min of non-stop taking. and remaining oblivious to my signals, I'd move close to him and try to initiate. He would then smack me harshly or push me away and say something like "what the he.. are you doing? Have you even listened to one word I've told you about my thrift shopping today." Then he would usually go on with his tantrum harshly claiming that I had to be mentally ill and was in need of some serious therapy. It just seemed so cruel, and almost teasing me, that he walked around with a hard on, but could never make a move, and blew off my initiation attempts; it was so messed up! It took a serious toll on my self confidence. Only 1 to 2 hours after one of these tantrum episodes too, he usually came up to me and would tell me he loved me, like nothing ever happened; I just couldn't believe it either after everything he said about me made me feel completely worthless. I had other serious relationships before my Aspie Ex, and intimacy was never much of an issue. Anyway, there were so many issues, that just caused me to break up with this my aspie-ex, including the feeling, often expressed here, that I felt more like his caretaker. One thing that I just want to add, is that when my Aspie Ex and I first got together he boasted about how every woman he had been with (he had several girlfriends before me because he was so good looking, and can wear the mask well at first) told them that he had a tremendously positive effect on their sexual confidence, and often told him that he was the best they had ever had. I'm quite sure it was all a complete lie!


Gaslit
6:19 AM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

@Shannon, thanks for your words! I'm also financially dependent on my autistic man at the moment thanks to COVID making my job situation and income unreliable, but we're not married and don't have kids. It could be much worse - my boyfriend isn't violent, and he has a well-paying stable job so we'll never go hungry or get evicted even if COVID gets worse - but it does mean I'm stuck and cranky until the world gets back on track.


Charlie
6:11 AM
Sat 17th Oct, 2020

I spent 4 years in a relationship with a girl on the spectrum, in the beginning we never fought for about a year and a half. I was the best thing since sliced bread. (Find out later that she was just “being passive to agree and not disagree” Then we started having arguments over time and in standard relationships, it’s a normal thing. romantic or not, arguing healthily is good for your relationships. Over time these arguments would grow more and more intense and very often when I would bring up something that she did that may have upset me a little, she would just erupt in tears and I would have to console her and stop talking about what I was trying to work out. As this happened more and more it felt like she stacked every grievance together and would storm off on me when we fought with no idea of how long it would be and ignore my attempts to fix it. (Usually about 3 days to a week) when I was only trying to have a calm conversation. Eventually we would resolve and she would say how hard it was for her while we weren’t talking as if to imply it was my doing. When we broke up, it started over me saying “You should come over more”, this made her feel pressured and I was being told to not say that anymore. Stood my ground on it being an appropriate if not endearing thing to say. And bring up that it makes me feel like she thinks I’m a jerk when she makes conclusions like those. This was apparently a GIGANTIC insult to her and I was told that “if I felt that way we should break up”. This was also followed by a second ultimatum of “counciling or break up”. I accept trying it frustratedly obviously. Then she just wants to break up. Wait a day, try to resolve, “nope you’re emotionally manipulating me is what my mom says and I’ve thought the same thing, bye” and I’ve been blocked for a month. (Were in our mid 20s btw). Sorry for the long read. Just really in need of support to not feel so gaslit


Maria
4:01 PM
Fri 16th Oct, 2020

I hate my life. I rearranged my entire life in another state to help my Asperger boyfriend with a new business venture. All he does is rage out at how much I'm NOT doing..."What do you do for 8 hrs of the fucking day?!" It takes 3 hrs a day just to keep his environment in a state that won't flip him out every day... and even that he tells me how mediocre I am at it. The rest of the hours is handling administrative crap that simply is too "overwhelming" for his "high-functioning" brain to handle or time is taken up cleaning up his messes... from him not paying bills or missing appointments or not picking up much needed RXs. Tells me to leave on a weekly basis yet when I start packing my stuff he becomes an even bigger asshole. Talk about mixed signals. I don't know whoever said people with Asperger's have a hard time lying cuz mine doesn't. He's cheated on me more than once and has made several more attempts but won't admit to it or apologize for it even when faced with the black and white of emails...and let's not forget the sex videos he took with the 25yr old whore he was training. Videos he doesn't know I've found and kept...just in case they serve a future purpose. He talks about wanting to put a bullet in his head. I often want to hand him a bullet so we can both stop being miserable. I honestly don't know if I'd even be sad...I toggle back and forth with feeling like this. I have 1 good day for every 4 days of hell he brings. I'm laying here on the couch where I've made my bed for the night because I can't stand to be around him right now. I'm wondering how has eight years passed and this is where I'm at How did this environment develop so insidiously. I actually take a lot of comfort in knowing that a lot of other NT partners have wondered the same... it's unreal the progression of time and the sudden realization of acute misery and feeling stuck. F my life.


Jay
12:13 PM
Fri 16th Oct, 2020

@Renee I stumbled upon this site because I cannot sleep out of frustration, sadness, and anger. I recently as of a year am Married to an undiagnosed AS husband and my life is slowly dying as I know it. I am at my wits end. It’s almost as if a switch flipped and he’s a totally different person. He spends 14+ hours in the basement working. I feel so lonely and desperate for anything attention or interaction. I feel that I am withering away. He’s very defensive and we have been reduced to only doing activities that he deems acceptable. Every idea I suggest now is cut down and picked apart. I don’t even know what to do. He will never accept a diagnosis. I’m completely heartbroken and depressed.


Laurie
2:50 AM
Fri 16th Oct, 2020

He does this thing of when he asks a question and I explain the answer with reasoning and insight he repeats the question over and over until I conform to an answer he has preconceived. I am a teacher with 2 master's degrees and am very articulate. I am crying as I confess his antics and behavior and bullying and dastardly behaviors! God please show me a way out!


Laurie
2:45 AM
Fri 16th Oct, 2020

I know on a visceral and cellular level that I need to leave my marriage. No counsel will fix change or heal. I've made beyond hard decisions in my life before and I know that level of loneliness but in the end those decisions were worth it. My health will go if I stay. I am dead on the inside and my body may not be far behind.


Laurie
2:39 AM
Fri 16th Oct, 2020

I destroyed my life by marrying my husband who has traits of HFA! Can't describe the emotional abuse done behind closed doors. We are currently at Mayo for his annual checkup for ulcerative colitis. He verbally berates me for everything and is otherwise non-communicative. 700 mile drive one-way in total silence. No touch ever. Went to therapy for 3 sessions but instead of keep sticking my insurance for $190 hour rate-I focus on anything else in my life but my marriage. This is something that can't be fixed only left behind. If I stay I will become gutless just like him. He has trained me as a servant and first thing out of his mouth in mornings is orders for the day. No point in talking to a single living soul about my life with him. No way to comprehend if not living it. ASPHOLESRUS could be their tagline!


Shannon
9:51 PM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

Gaslit, hallelujah, sister. Thank you for your last post. The writing is on the wall and you nailed it there. My aspie husband also has told me yes when he meant no and never intended to do what he promised, more times than I can remember. Just to end a conversation. I don’t have time to write more right now but just want to add that I have endured 30 plus years of what you describe. Kids and financial dependence have kept me in it. Argh!


Amber
5:42 PM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

Response to Flavia post 14th October. Yes my experience that I have of 38 years with my father-in-law was that he only gravitated towards my husband (his son) because he sorted everything out for him after he left his wife (my husbands mother). Because the other son (husbands brother) could not be around so much. I have only just recently realised that he put nothing in. We arranged everything for him, including his social life with us. He has never shown any appropriate appreciation you very rarely get a thanks. We both feel very used and have started to analyse his relationships with everyone and it was all based on what he could get out of them otherwise he disregarded them. He is now living with us because old age is something he could not deal with being so emotionally childlike and he has just become more dependent and expectant. You cannot explain to anyone how frustrating it is to be around someone that cannot understand any complexity of an issue, we have explained a million! times how one can express gratitude but we might as well talk to the walls.if your no good in offering something to them they are generally not interested and will move on. Hope this helps


Gina
4:24 PM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

Hi Clare I'm Gina I'm in the UK in Chelmsford Essex I dated an undiagnosed Asperger's guy for approx 3 months After the first month I ended it after we came back from a comedy show in Birmingham ......something was just really off .... Within 2 weeks or so he said your being very hasty etc and I agreed to see him again .... Within 7 weeks I had to end it again for good The behaviours on the emotional level the self absorption the lack of empathy etc as listed across the board in these testimonials My ex stated himself he was a different person on the outside than he was behind closed doors ......and yes I too experienced the 'act' in public.....and the different person behind closed doors ......and the one upping etc and things On a couple of evenings out with his friends comments were made stating he was a very 'tricky character' 'nobody ever knew where they stood with him' etc Now my ex was also nice..... You have stated in your comments that you feel like you are being 'trained to be a little servant' in terms of doing things for him? It is nice to do for others However you need to be aware that on an emotional level ......you are also being 'trained' ......to accept that in order to continue a relationship with this man .......you are sacraficing your own needs for emotional connection and genuine care for the benefit of essentially a one sided relationship with an Asperger's man......and they also lack conscience as those benefits he's around for that you speak off.......could essentially come from anybody My ex tried to come back a 3rd time also ......all sweet compliments and words and asking to see me And I refused told him it was over and I wasn't going back You seem like a lovely genuine girl but unfortunetly there will be no exception to the rule with an Aspie especially one who is not committed to engaging in therapy to genuinely address the issues he may have as you can see from the posts across this board With the Aspie you will be around as long as you can put up with it essentially ...... My ex and I had many long conversations into the late hours also socialised with his friends took trips etc just normal stuff at times But it still did not change the fact that had I off stayed with him ....I was knowingly committing myself to someone who essentially to put it very bluntly as Henrich also said ..... Does not care about anybody else except himself Asperger's is far more than just a few quirks and a bit of shyness. They do not truly 'see' or 'hear' anybody else except themselves And the more sociable ones from reading testimonies etc. Do tend to have narcisstic traits also I still feel compassion for my ex as a friend/acquaintance But I had to accept the reality. Rather than hang on to hope etc or thinking that I could love a nuerological disorder 'out' of someone I hope your doing ok


Clare
1:55 PM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

@gaslit, your story about the therapists is shocking, but doesn't surprise me. I can see why your so frustrated and angry. Please look after yourself first now till you can get out of this this situation and try to find a healthy outlet for your anger and dont turn it inwards. And @kitty, I completely agree with your theory that a man with aspergers/hfa chases someone because of the immediate benefits he can get out of you (company, sex, someone to go for meals with, someone to do favours for him etc..) not because he has feelings. Or if he does, he just doesn't even recognise or understand what they are. I feel a bit guilty posting on here, as the autistic man I've been dating seems alot nicer than people I've read about on here (or maybe hes acting) and i feel like I'm bad mouthing him behind his back. But I've obviously found this site for a reason, and i keep feeling compelled to read the new posts. I think it helps me have a realistic view on expectations. Also I've already recognised some of the behaviours others have posted about, i.e:- acting narcissistic and superior infront of others to the point of embarrassment, then acting completely different at home like an adorable gorky child. Always chasing perfection and trying to one-up on others. And also getting me to do alot of things for him like im being trained into being a little servant. He is very self sufficient and has a lovely house and own business, but despite this I've told him I dont want to live with anybody for the foreseeable future, as I do like my freedom, and things are 90% great at the moment, but I do believe from what I've read and witnessed, that living with him would be a different story and would ruin things completely. All the best to everybody.


Renee
12:19 PM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

Bless every single person who has given their account of dealing with an AS here. I am deeply grateful for the creation of this site, more than I can ever express in words. Reading your testimonies, it is clear to me what has happened to me is not me misunderstanding someone, it is real and I can see clear enough from all of you, the EXACT same thing has happened to me after 8 years of dealing with a male aspie. It is heart wrenching to read your stories and often am thrown into tears because I KNOW EXACTLY what you every single person here is feeling. No one else fully understands except the person living this hell. I love him so much and WHY??????? Listening to your stories has helped me understand so much about my situation. I have scoured the internet looking for assistance to help ME, the NT, in enduring the pain apparently unknowing inflicted to us via an AS. No offense to any of them. They have the most admirable qualities in another human being you would ever want to know and all in one place. But as white and comforting as he is, flip the coin over, and it is one of the darkest places known to man. It is black and white, there is nothing else, and onset often sudden like running into a brick wall at full speed. I figured out today, I am likely codependent because of what someone said here about it. I cannot recall which one of you said look it up, but you saved my soul from continued torture because I did and I am. There is nothing you can do... unless you become a robot (which he has actually joked about turning me into several times) or the AS is self aware and seeks to understand and compromise. And to those dealing with an undiagnosed AS, I wish I could hug you each so tight. It is scary to think about bringing up. I am so sad. I cry for him being so unaware how damaging his words and actions are. I cry for all of us here who have to endure someone you love treating you as though you were simply around to be used like a tool. However, on my quest to bridge the gap, I found a guy on YT channel who has helped more than anything. "Aspergers from the Inside" is the name of the channel. I have employed some of his suggestions he gives from an AS viewpoint and I have been able to make some progress. HIGHLY suggest if you have not watched him, please do. I we need more resources to help us all learn to navigate this better. It is not only the ill who need care, the caregivers often need more.


Aspies Suck
11:23 AM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

The testimonials here are so articulate and expose Aspies for what they truly are and the damage they cause. It's similar to being the victim of a crime. If a criminal deceives and takes advantage of us then we are the victim of a crime. If an Aspie does the same then we are somehow to blame for the crime committed against us. How twisted is that? They can spin some pathetic sob story about their "disability" as a get out of jail card. They are devoid of any conscience whatsoever. I wish psychologists would read this page and realise that they have been duped by Aspies too.


Gaslit
6:43 AM
Thu 15th Oct, 2020

This is my second time posting. I'm in a live-in relationship with an autistic man in his 30s whom I've been dating for two years and living with for one. I'm his first girlfriend. I'm mentally done with it, but I'm not able to leave yet because things will be financially precarious for me until COVID is over. I've grown to hate the "high functioning" label and the idea my boyfriend is "barely autistic" because he went to grad school, has a job, and manages to go through the motions of adulthood when someone he wants to impress is watching. A "high functioning" autistic person is just one who is skilled at deception and manipulation. It could be indirect lies like "masking" and pretending to be a different person when it suits them, or direct lies where they tell you a falsehood to your face with no remorse. I can't think of another mental disability/illness where a patient gets praised constantly for being deceptive as though it means they are somehow more healthy and functional. I've dated two autistic men, with somewhat different manifestations of autism, but one thing they have in common is that they both lie a lot. If caught in a lie, they either deny it and dig in further, or admit it but can't grasp why it's wrong to lie. I've had countless arguments where their rebuttal was either, "So what if I lied, I got what I wanted so I don't see what the issue is" or "Yes, I did promise that, but only because it was what you wanted to hear, and I never had any intention of following through." They have no conscience or morals. They just say whatever they think is likely to benefit them in the moment and get angry and indignant if you call them out on having purposefully lied to you. My current boyfriend spun a fantasy version of himself to mirror my interests/goals when we were first dating. Almost everything he told me about himself was a lie. This facade didn't fall apart until we moved in together. He knew he'd trapped me and could finally relax and be his true robotic, selfish, antisocial, inconsiderate self. It was like a switch flipped. I've read a number of other commenters here note that therapists are part of the problem with autistic adults, in that they coddle the autistic person or fall for it when the autistic person pretends to be normal in front of them. I feel gaslit not only by the boyfriend, but also by his therapists. My boyfriend has seen three therapists, and all it's done is give him outside validation that he is a victim of me because I am "not understanding" when I get upset with him for doing something hurtful, lying to me, or refusing to do his half of our household chores. (He's extremely messy and getting him to do even basic cleaning tasks is a battle and such a source of stress for me.) I am certain that if we went to a counselor and talked about our problems and never mentioned autism, the therapist would say that he's an unrepentant sociopath/narcissist and that I should leave. But, just because he's autistic, it's like therapists see him as some sort of adorable three legged puppy, broken in a way that makes him more lovable. Therapists think that being autistic absolves a person of all of their hurtful and manipulative behavior. I've been present for two of his therapy sessions. In one, he casually admitted to his therapist he lied to me about his interests and life goals because he knew that if he was honest, I wouldn't want to date him, and he wanted a girlfriend. She didn't see anything wrong with this! I think she may have even found it endearing/romantic somehow, that he'd gone to the bother of spinning a web of lies to trick me into liking him. She's well-regarded in our city as an expert in autistic adults, so who knows how many hurting, confused, lonely wives and girlfriends she's gaslit into thinking they're the ones at fault. Autistic people are shielded from all criticism and consequences of their hurtful and antisocial behavior, whereas people with any other mental illness/disability are expected to learn how to get along with others and acquire prosocial behaviors. Why the special exemption? Why are they allowed to behave however they want, regardless of who they hurt, and have mental health professionals gush over how "high functioning" they are and insist that the rest of society needs to bend over backwards to accommodate their bizarre and often cruel behavior? If you don't enjoy experiencing manipulation and lies from a sociopathic partner, you would be considered an emotional abuse victim and would be correct to leave, but if that partner is autistic, then you're an ableist monster not "being understanding." It's maddening.


RT
4:20 AM
Wed 14th Oct, 2020

@PhD...I'm from NY


Kitty
1:57 AM
Wed 14th Oct, 2020

Clare: I was chased too for months but what really confused me is that if they admit to having no empathy, and cannot love another person, why do they still chase us? Well, my theory (in my case) is that I was chased because logistically my man needed practical things: ie, what I could supply (home, money, security). Moreover, he was lonely, his mother and father had recently passed. He told me he wanted to settle down (he needed someone to cook, clean and care for him, it turned out. He couldn't even wake himself up in the morning with an alarm). Your story is interesting and resonates with mine. All the best.


Flávia
12:00 AM
Wed 14th Oct, 2020

Has anyone on this forum ever felt used by an aspie (partner/friend)? For example, as if you were offering a resource of interest to them, financial/material benefit, an object, a trip, protection, etc? I know that many people are like that without any mental disability, but I have the impression that I was a victim of this with my ex-partner. And his interest in being in contact with me can probably be due to some resource I have (there isn't real emotion)? He didn't pay much attention to me, he didn't talk without his terms and he could be rude to his comments. But he kept in contact with me constantly to "check my availability". I feel like a "bank investment". :/


Nana T.
10:05 PM
Tue 13th Oct, 2020

@aspiesurvivor, haha. I'm glad you backed up what i said about cognitive empathy.


Aspie survivor
3:34 PM
Tue 13th Oct, 2020

To the aspies on other sites who say we are haters for expressing our viewpoint here, I say thank you for proving the point of what we are saying by exhibiting your lack of cognitive empathy. Brilliant.


Idem
8:44 PM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

Cathy@ I have read somewhere that autism quite often has other comorbid disorders. I have no doubts that my dad has autism( never diagnosed). All symptoms - avoiding eye contact, selfisheness, rudeness, mean with money always got separste accounts, cold, detached, special interest, so often saying wrong things and upseting people- no filter. Also he is argumentative and can be arrogant ( superior feel about his knowledge), unable to talk about emotions but he is not aggressive. I think what you wrote about your husband throwing basket at you as you should have iron not chat..... it is very nasty and controlling behaviour. - I dont think it is classic autism - more just nasty , mean personality- I dont think you should let him behave like this. I think he takes advantage of you with this behaviour


Flávia
8:01 PM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

@Linda, you're very kind and reading your message on this forum has helped me immensely to think about my needs. I blocked him, sent a very clear messag repeating several times that "I'm not here to be treated in this abusive way". But I don't know, I have the impression that he will never reflect on ANYTHING. He never wrote to me again. And even that makes me feel guilty... But I'm fighting this thought every day because I know it's a sign of my codependency (a person who never set limits like me). It's strange, but it's like I'm addicted to drugs (abuse). I want to get out of this hell. And I'm also very happy for your testimony, after all, you deserve to be free from any harm related to a person without empathy and who hasn't even given you the opportunity to exist in a worthy ending. Even the dirty work they don't do! "It isn't your fault, you cannot control, you cannot heal". :*


Clare
5:59 PM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

I posted on here about 2 weeks ago, about how I've been dating a 34 year old man with aspergers for 7 months and he'd gone into one of his quiet weeks where I was obviously not in the forefront of his mind. I decided to leave things be and see what happened, but he pursued and chased me even more the last 2 weeks and has been wanting to see me almost every day, although I've had to make excuses some of the days or I've genuinely been busy. I do enjoy his company, he's not nasty atall, we have amazing chemistry and we get on really well, but after a date night a couple of days ago, I brought up feelings. He was very honest, I'll give him that much, but basically said he likes me a bit (actual words), but has never loved anybody, only his dog. He said empathy is not in his vocabulary, he admitted he's very selfish, and that nothing bothers him whatsoever! It made me realise that he is only with anybody for what they can bring to his life at that present moment and as soon as the honeymoon period is over, he will be bored and be gone, because he will not be emotionally tied/in love with me. It was an eye opener! I'm in deep and I honestly don't know what to do. My immediate plan is to just focus on myself and my family and friends as much as i can. I can't even be angry at him cos none of this is his fault, its a faulty brain wiring. But im certainly not going to be angry with myself either, because we can't help who we fall for at the end of the day. We can only try and look after ourselves. Best wishes to everyone on here!


Ann
5:35 PM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

I can no longer bear the hurt I feel from trying to be friends with an aspie, so I know the pain from dealing with a spouse or significant other must be excruciating. A typical aspie, this person can only see things from her own self-centered point of view, so she is oblivious to the pain inflicted on others. Once when she had blown off plans we had made to meet for dinner, and I told her how I felt hurt, she explained to me that I should be happy for her because she had found something more exciting to do. I stopped talking to her for months after that cruel remark that showed how she could only see things from her own viewpoint without empathy for my feelings. She contacted me several months later, and I foolishly agreed to meet her. This time she showed up, but then spent the entire time in a monologue about herself, without asking me a single question about my life. She never was able to have a normal back and forth conversation with me as long as I knew her. I had always put up with her self-centeredness because I knew this was due to her autism. After finding this blog, I have made the decision to end this one-sided friendship. It wouldn't be right to have contact with her at this point anyway because I now dislike her and resent having wasted my time on a person who was just using me to vent about her ridiculous petty grudges and talk about her special interests, while she had no capability of being a real friend.


Cathy
5:05 PM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

Jim, you mentioned ptsd and I believe this is a factor for a partner living with the worst kind of Asperger's syndrome. After over three decades of verbal, financial and psychological abuse, it is no surprise that I was in the grips of almost constant anxiety. A normal scenario of having a friend over for coffee would always result in excruciating embarrassment for me, I have even had a basket laundry of tipped over me as I was happily talking to a friend at home, apparently I should have been ironing, not chatting. I realise now that I cannot expect any more from him, the absence of hope that he will change and become reasonable helps me cope. I practice emotional self care and detach myself, I get lost in books, films, long walks, hobbies, friends. I switch my phone off as so many times he has rung me and shouted at me demanding to know when I'll be back. I don't exaggerate when I say shouting. I have stopped taking the abuse personally, it is his anger, not mine. I feel stronger and stand up to him. As he is ill he doesn't have the strength to be so abusive now and needs me to care for him which leads me to believe he is quite capable of controlling his behaviour. Last year, I had the dog on a very long retractable lead, the dog was ahead of me, and my husband for some reason took the lead off the dog, this resulted in it whizzing back to towards me and the metal catch hitting my bare shin with such force that I felt weak with pain, my leg was bleeding and my husband just stared at me before walking off. I asked him if he realised what had happened, he just shrugged. It was a light bulb moment, he would never change and I should stop wishing for a time machine and a different past. If anyone is considering partnering up with someone who has AS please please think very carefully, don't ignore the warning signs. I am grateful for this site as there is nobody I can talk to about the pressures of being married to someone with AS, the shame and embarrassment of being abused is something I cannot discuss even with my closest friend. So thank you.


Aspie survivor
11:29 AM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

All who have posted their experiences and insights here have helped me tremendously. Thank you. I dated an aspie for a year and learned a lot from my own experience, but some of the comments here really put things into perspective. I just wanted to say that I found two important points here. I now see how being an aspie helps to explain their actions, but is not an excuse for bad treatment of others. I also found out I was attracted to an aspie (and narcissist and other self-centered jerks) because of being codependent. Please read about codependency. Like me, you will most likely see yourself and your relationships described in surprisingly familiar detail.


Jim
12:10 AM
Mon 12th Oct, 2020

Why do websites about people with mental illness or mental disabilities downplay how disabling and extremely difficult their conditions are for other people to deal with? You can go to any mental disability website whether it be aspergers, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. and the websites all say the same exact things and say how NT people need to support these people by altering their behavior and accommodating them constantly, how these people are usually not violent or abusive, how they're actually the victims of NT people and society and not the other way around, they can have a normal life with medications and treatment, etc. Anyone knows that people with these mental illnesses and disabilities are not in a right state of mind and become entitled by all of the accommodations they are given, they can be very violent to others or themselves, they're completely mindblind and abusive to others around them, and the people around them basically become caretakers because they can't hold down any jobs or responsibilities. Treatment also often doesn't work because they know how to manipulate therapists and pretend to be good in front of them but then act crazy around their spouses and families. One website said it was because they don't want to promote stereotypes about these people but there's a reason those stereotypes happened in the first place. I would argue that many, if not most, people with these mental illnesses are not sane and can be very dangerous to the people around them whether it's emotionally or physically. I would not be surprised if many of the spouses or families of people with these mental disorders and illnesses have some form of PTSD from the abuse, violence, and just plain abnormal behavior.


M
9:53 PM
Sun 11th Oct, 2020

I completely agree with David (and a majority of people here). There's also this constant see to shift the blame on us, for being "too emotional", "not patient enough", "not understanding enough". When you voice your opinion about someone on the spectrum, whether you know them well, or not,you are instantly dissmissed and your opinion is invalid because you are just a "hater" a "Cassandra" or whatever outsiders come up with. It's very easy to just be in denial about your flaws but autistic people take it to the extreme. To those who have the misfortune to share their lives with them, this is just exhausting... All you feel is frustration, and even desperation, constantly... No matter what you do you have to put up with a behavior that is not normal, and should not be acceptable to anyone, and yet you can't say or do anything and if you do, it will lead nowhere, you will just be the bad guy. It feels extremely isolating and lonely, but all those psychologist and defense group, (which are the first to claim we should make an effort with aspire so they are not isolated, and left out) don't think, or care much about the impact this has on an NTs mental health, do they?


Nana T.
8:39 PM
Sun 11th Oct, 2020

@idem and David. I've seen what you guys are talking about too, since I did a whole lot of reading on autism this summer. That includes their message boards. They claim that their deficits and trouble are because everything is set up for NTs: and that they are just different(some claim even better). @david, I've also seen some talk about this site as well. Recently, on one board, I saw some even claiming that most of the women on here were not really married to aspies, but to narcissists instead. But, I've read and am sure what they say is NOT true about this site.


Nana T.
7:06 PM
Sun 11th Oct, 2020

@Darcy, that's true. I'm actually pretty positive I do NOT have autism or asperger's. I was just simply giving the story of how I ended up at this site in the first place. As for what I mentioned to Heinrich about empathy, that's just what I've been seeing as I googled this subject. Many places say that those with autism are impaired in cognitive empathy but the affective enpathy is intact.


Idem
3:02 PM
Sun 11th Oct, 2020

David@ - Also I find them full of contradictions - one minute they say it is not disability they are only different and 'better' than NT people....then they expect special treatment as they are overloaded with 'l stress of life' and all sensory input so we have to be always understanding for their selfish, indifferent behaviour. I will be honest - I don't hate but I don't like most autistic people I met in my life and you are right the best way is just avoid them.


Darcy
2:19 PM
Sun 11th Oct, 2020

To Nana T. This doesnt seem like the right forum for you. You seem to be looking for something to confirm your own dx or not. You should see someone formally trained if you want the real answer. This is a place for people to discuss their experiences with living close to someone with asperger. (Yes the DSM took it out but they did that for benefit of asperger not the public) and the emotional stripping that occurs. Dont look for someone here to tell you that you are normal.


Kwad K.
12:05 AM
Sun 11th Oct, 2020

Hey, all. I wonder, do some with severe Asperger's, like to make extreme wishful goals, or even go as far to have make-believe worlds? I'm talking about adults, btw. One man, I know over FB, he had a relationship for a couple of months with one lady over Zoom(didn't get to meet). He lives in Florida, and she lives in Wisconsin. They broke up, though, this past May. In July, he met one lady over FB as well, and they have been 'dating' over Zoom or other electronic platform. This lady lives in Uganda. But, they did a facebook engagement a few days ago. And he mentioned that he will meet her in person to do a proposal. I asked him "where will you two meet?". He says, "I will be moving out there to where she lives" And I asked, "You're gonna move to Africa?", and he says 'yes'.


David
9:07 PM
Sat 10th Oct, 2020

For those outsiders who call this a "hate group", I would say this. It is fashionable for people to have a victim mentality these days. It makes them feel entitled to defending themselves, even when they are in the wrong. It allows them to avoid introspection and to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, by accusing someone else of "hate". Sorry, but I don't give anyone a free pass if their behavior is harmful to me. I call it the way I see it, I avoid such people, and I move on. If aspies don't like the fact that many of us have figured them out, that's their problem, not ours. I have tried so hard to reason with my former partner with Asperger's syndrome, and I was met with callous indifference, total lack of empathy, and the most chilling self centered behavior that I've ever observed in someone. The only reason why I even considered her a friend was because she put on a mask and was a terrific actress at the beginning, which "imprinted" me with an image of her that was hard to shake. "Imprinting" is a good word for what happened to me- I could not reconcile my initial impression of her with the eventual reality of her. The acting was calculated and premeditated on her part. Nothing was genuine, and when the mask came off, it was pure hell. I would not mind if someone was honest with me from the very beginning, but these people are simply trying to fool others into thinking that they care, when they do not. I am able to detect such behavior now, and I avoid it. That does not constitute "hate". It represents self-preservation, and I won't apologize for it. This site serves an important function- it helps us share our stories and increase awareness of what we've all gone through. It makes us feel less alone, and it validates our experiences. If an outsider calls us a "hate group", I am perfectly comfortable with that, because I know that I don't "hate" anyone. I am simply smart enough to avoid people whose behaviors are damaging to me.


PhD
4:16 AM
Sat 10th Oct, 2020

Is anyone here from NY?


Elodie
2:01 AM
Sat 10th Oct, 2020

@Breaking - I really felt your post. A lot of your words I have said myself. I could really relate to your comment 'Leaving me alone without communication seems to be his way of letting me deal with difficult feelings' - and I, like you, am also conflict avoidant. I have suppressed my feelings and pack them all away while I work out the best way to present them to my partner, to try to get the 'best' outcome possible when talking about issues/past hurts. It is not an easy road. I have posted before and am at what feels like the end of a 6 year relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. I have days when I seriously doubt whether he has ASD but the signs are all there and have always been there since the beginning. I didn't know anything about ASD when we met and there were, looking back, warning signs which I ignored, as I was hopeful that with love and time things would improve. Sadly they have not and over the years I have learnt to take care of myself and not rely on my partner for any emotional support. As with a lot of people here, he is not a bad person but he just does not have the ability. You mention counselling. Someone before here has mentioned Carol Grigg - she is based in Sydney but does zoom sessions. I had a session with her and found it very validating. I wish you all the best.


Khey
1:27 AM
Sat 10th Oct, 2020

Please Help: Do second opportunities work to get a significant change in behaviour: comunication, socialising, intimacy (from celibacy)? In my experience, every time I've told my partner (undiagnosed Aspie, which has no clue about asperger's and lives thinking "Iam antisocial and cold") I needed more affection, communication or intimacy, has change a little bit very momentary because he doesnt want to lose me, but after a couple of days, back to normal, again. May 2019: I told him need more connection, intimacy and conversations -> one week later we made a trip, have sex and stopped and back to normal. Jan 2020: It has been 8 months without touching and affection again, I'm not confortable in the relationship -> two weeks later, sex without connection and back to normal Apr 2020: The relationship is not working for me. I'm starving human connection -> lets move together (a disaster on cohabitation) September 2020: I'm leaving (picked up all my stuff) and breaking up. "Let me fight for the relationship". But really, what changes should I expect in the future? A couple of weeks or months with subtle improvements on plans outside (we always do everything alone, no social interaction with friends and families), maybe sex without connection, and then back to normal? Thanks.


Cathy
9:43 PM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

I have been married to my husband for 32 years. I knew there was something unusual, or eccentric about him when we first started going out. He is much older than me and although I had been in a couple of long term relationships I felt comfortable with him because he was funny and attentive and we liked the same things. There were red flags early on, of which I took no notice, he seemed safe and reliable. Nothing prepared me for the gas lighting, the accusations, the insults, the being stuck on a subject and not leaving it until I agree with him or until he shouts me down. So pedantic, I want to scream, I've been screaming inwardly for years. Although highly intelligent, he has never been able to hold down a job, it has always been down to me to cook, clean, work, look after our children, the pets and organise pretty much everything. When I was pregnant with our last child, 22 years ago, a surprise, he chased me around the house, screaming and shouting at me that he wanted me to have an abortion. No consideration for the children who were crying and in shock, or for me, scared out of my wits. The pregnancy was my fault, I was irresponsible, I was stupid, foolish and I was forcing him to be a father against his wishes. I have been called stupid, ignorant, unsophisticated, vain, ineffectual, he told me that he was sorry that I was pregnant (with our first child) because he would rather have had a child with his ex. Apparently I took that the "wrong way". If we had work done in the house, I was told to go away as it had nothing to do with me. I have been told off by him in front of friends and family, leaving me devastated and broken. I have been told off for looking younger than him, told off for putting make up on because I'm making other women jealous or I'm doing it for other men, I'm a slag. He has offered me to his friends when drunk. He has embarrassed and humiliated me, will tell people extremely personal details about our lives or finances and exaggerate stories to make me look stupid. "My wife never, my wife always". He tells me I am deluded because I believe in God and only uninformed and unintelligent people believe in an after life. I have had panic attacks in public when he decides to raise his voice to me about something I have or haven't done properly, going to a shop that I like and he doesn't for example. I have looked in envy at women whose husbands/partners are kind and treat them respectfully. Couples who can sit down in a cafe and talk to each other, I wonder how does that happen? How can she talk and he listen and be interested? How blessed she is that he isn't complaining loudly about how much it's costing him. Sometimes I think I'm going mad, I wanted to leave so many times, but then I wanted my children to have a father and a stable home. Plus the constant bullying and berating immobilised me. People have said they have never met anyone so stressed and impatient as him. He pushes in queues, in traffic, he doesn't care and only thinks about himself. When my mum died, I cried so much and asked him for a hug, he pushed me away and told me that I was hormonal not grieving. I promised myself I would go when all the kids were adults, now they are grown up, he is ill with a long term disease. He is milder, more respectful, grateful for my help and support, I know he is frightened. I can't leave him, our adult children would be horrified, I couldn't do that to them, or him. He needs my care and his illness will get worse. Only recently, I was very ill with food poisoning, I didn't have the strength to get a drink and asked him if he would get me some water, he did, but slammed it down and said he was the one with an illness not me. He was raging. He accused me of putting his life in danger when I walked with a friend (loudly, nastily) we were in lockdown, but I was wearing a mask and walking at least a meter away from her. All within government guidelines. Yes, this is milder behaviour on his part. I don't know what to say about my marriage, without him I wouldn't have our marvellous children (one works in a MH capacity and says he is definitely Aspergers) Our children are great but find him such a strain, I don't moan to them about him, because they love him and besides it wouldn't be appropriate. We are more focused on his illness now and they too have said how different he is, it's as if he's losing his power to create such unhappiness. I feel guilty for not caring enough, not worrying enough, I do all the things I'm supposed to do, the cooking, cleaning and taking to appointments, asking the right questions with health professionals about treatment plans, I will be there for the long run out of duty, but my heart just feels empty. Anyway, that is my testimony, if you've managed this far, thank you. My heart goes out to all those living with AS and those living with a spouse who has AS.


Linda
7:58 PM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

@Nana T. & @Heinrich The empathy thing is a rabbit hole. My ex Aspie thought he was being empathic but he wasn't. All he was doing was imagining himself (his personality and his experiences) in somebody else's situation and thinking how he himself would react. He genuinely thought that was empathy! He had no idea that empathy is the ability to imagine yourself with someone else's personality and experiences in the situation and to imagine how they would react as a result of them being themselves! His mind-blindness simply prevented him doing that. He couldn't acknowledge that someone else might have a very different experience in the situation. Kathy Marshack has written very eloquently on what empathy is and isn't and I think it's worth sharing her definition of it here : " Empathy is the ability to hold onto yourself (your thoughts and feelings) while you acknowledge the thoughts and feelings of the other person. Further, it is the ability to add to the mix of emotions and thoughts, words that describe both what is going on with yourself and the other person. It is the ability to take all of this information and formulate a plan that creates a win/win outcome. Both you and the other feel understood and appreciated. And yet even more, empathy is the ability to process all of this information in milliseconds. “Aspies” cannot do this. They may have many of the qualities of empathy as I have described them, but they struggle to integrate the parts into the whole, in the right time, with the right response for the situation. This profound disability leaves Neuro-Typicals not only feeling misunderstood, but feeling rejected — even bereft. " from https://kmarshack.com/2019/07/10/empathy-aspergers-style/ @Breaking - I can relate to a lot of what you say and would be happy to discuss experiences privately via email if admin can facilitate.


Breaking
4:19 PM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

I've read in other forums pointing to this forum as a hate site. However, I do think that all perspectives deserve to be heard. Just because the testimonials here are mainly from NT individuals whose relationships with their AS partners have failed does not mean that this forum exists only for the purpose of vitriol. I'd like to contribute my story. I fell in love with an AS man last year (undiagnosed, but with family on the spectrum). There were good times and bad. The main issue, to me, is that he tends to avoid conflicts and displays of negative emotions. Leaving me alone without communication seems to be his way of letting me deal with difficult feelings that I express with regards to him. I, on the other hand, am also conflict avoidant - I tend to suppress my feelings until they bubble over, so that when I do express myself it comes as a surprise to him. I am aware that much of my anxiety, feelings of despondency, trust issues, and low self esteem are of my own making. But his behaviour does amplify my negative tendencies. When he distances himself from me, I get worse. The more I try to reach out to him, the more he backs away. Communication has been the main issue lately, but there are the other familiar issues regarding porn, lack of sexual intimacy, planned and rigid routines, etc. I love him but I'm slowly withering. It has been difficult for the past month to get work done, to sleep soundly, to smile genuinely at friends and family, and even to eat. I've lost weight, and I feel weak from the inside out. This has already happened a few times in the 1.5 years since I've known him. I have had counselling in the past and I think I should seek out a counsellor again, hopefully one who has had experience with AS-NT couples and is able to guide me to cope with my anxieties better. I suppose I just wanted to say that reading these testimonials have helped me realise that I'm not alone in feeling so out of balance. I, for one, am starting to realise that I have to take more responsibility for my emotional wellness, independently of him. I won't be a trusted and reliable friend to him until I first learn to be a friend to myself. I try to cheer myself on everyday. But everyday is heartbreaking. I've left out certain information in my story due to privacy concerns. I'd love to hear feedback or to provide more information through private messages. Maybe the admin can facilitate.


Nana T.
3:58 PM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

@Heinrich, Apparently, the research has found that, ausistics are impaired on COGNITIVE empathy, but are NOT impaired in AFFECTIVE empathy.


Heinrich
12:46 PM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

Dear Nana, autism is not about being unique or quirky. It has nothing to do with shyness or being stressed. Autism is about not being able to see anyone else but oneself. Not having empathy. Just not getting other people. It is devastating loving someone on the spectrum. You say you have empathy and you do understand other people. With that said, there is no way you are on the spectrum in my opinion.


Nana T.
4:01 AM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

Just a few more things about me. I'm also very good with cognitive empathy, which is an area that generally those on the autism spectrum are impaired. I'm I'm also very able to read between the lines. Sometimes I'm even able to make guesses at why people do certain things, even reasons different than what they may say These can be negative as well, as I have the long-time tendency to speculate over when people say things to me, and would read too much into it, getting worried unnecessarily.


Linda
3:18 AM
Fri 9th Oct, 2020

Hi Flavia, your post brought a huge grin to my face! Well done you. Blocking contact is a huge step forward. I remember your original post and it struck a chord with me at the time. The physical and emotional abandonment - very relatable sadly. I haven't posted my story on here but everyone's testimonials here have been a huge inspiration to me and I check in regularly. To know I'm not alone and that so many relate. I am one year out from sudden discard by an Aspie and feel like I've turned the corner recently. I still think about him from time to time and the grief & sadness overwhelms sometimes still but a lot less than it used to. I'm rebuilding, focusing on me and my children and good self care. To all of us on this journey - we deserve so much better. We've got this!


Flávia
9:03 AM
Thu 8th Oct, 2020

I'm the same person from previous testimonies who described being abandoned in another country, alone, in the pandemic by a French mathematician boyfriend. We have been at a distance for 2 years. This all happened after our plan to be together in Europe and he betrayed everything by going to Canada to do his doctorate. After a few months, he returned to speak to me using me as a "safe place" where he could return as soon as he wanted to make his long flights. What I suspected today in a conversation, was that he was going to Spain to travel "alone" on "vacation". But the information was extremely contradictory, often with a "false" tone of response and with many avoidances / silences. He changed his behavior in the last months to "online" all the time on whatsapp, busy all the time and without giving priority to my messages. I was irritating with our contact and had wanted to eliminate it for a long time, but as an unconscious codependent that I was, it was very difficult for me. I started to realize that he was using me to be "his guarantee" for everything that could go wrong in his attempts, especially in this "hypothetical meeting" with a new person in Spain. Today I finally managed to block it! I know that many people are able to do this before me and I know that I received a lot of advice on this, but I never block anyone in life and I feel terrible doing it. But after so much reading codependency books and feeling like an object for months on end, I really managed to break free from this human being. I hope I don't want to look back. But I doubt that this can happen, after all, receiving a value so inferior to what I really am is something that I no longer tolerate in my healing process. He can try with thousands of people from all over the world, but every time the mask falls... he will finally be alone again. I am happy that I'm no longer there and I'd like to share this victory with you. Thanks for everything! <3


Nana T.
5:32 AM
Wed 7th Oct, 2020

Hi, Mary. I'm a male, btw. You're definitely right in what you said. But, I believe the 4 traits I mentioned are pretty constant among people on the spectrum. I think I can say that probably everyone on the spectrum has at least one of those 4(sensory issues, problem with eye contact, need for routine, literal in thinking). For me not to have ANY of those(not even in childhood); I think I most likely don't have the disorder. And I've never had these symptoms at anytime in my life, not even as a small child. But yeah,maybe I will go for a test/diagnosis sometime in the future.


Laurie
2:44 AM
Wed 7th Oct, 2020

Also, I believe that righteous indignation or anger has a place in healthy relationships! Not to control or manipulate someone but rather to set boundaries or say hey, "knock it off." I grew up in a large family and if I asked a sibling to stop doing something or to help me with a favor...no problem. They/we all adapted to each other. Does not work with husband. And the boredom of no recreation, outings or conversation. It is criminal. All boils down to I am abusing myself by staying in this real form of hell on Earth 🌎!


Laurie
2:32 AM
Wed 7th Oct, 2020

Thanks to all of you for sharing. You are very courageous. This website has been affirming to help me process my marriage. As Gertrude Stein said about Los Angeles, "there is no there there.. " I moved to a rural area from a beautiful city to marry my husband. Grew up 75 miles away on a farm so thought no big deal. Really, really blamed the remoteness of this area for my dead feeling for the last 15 years. Like something vital died in me by moving here. Went to counseling this summer and within 15 minutes the counselor labeled the deal... believes husband has HFA. I thought our marriage would grow and thrive over time. Instead peaked early on then nothingness. Like being married to a cardboard person. About as fulfilling or real as Velveeta cheese 🧀. Also, my counselor said that people look at me and "see" a rich farm wife. So they think I have it made! Comical. I am processing the truth that he won't miss me when I do leave/travel. I have been had in the worst way. What a bunch of deception and lies.


Mary
10:18 PM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

@Nana T. If you are looking for an potential diagnosis for yourself (or for advice for your friend Shana), the people posting here won't be qualified to do that for you. Plus, as you likely know, Autism is a spectrum, so having/not having specific traits does not rule out a diagnosis. And female Aspies in particular are exceptionally good at masking, and picking up on the 'rules' around social cues that allow them to fit in, which is why so many escape a diagnosis entirely. But there are many other sites that might help you get answers, such as WrongPlanet.net, Reddit's subforums on Aspergers, etc. Good luck, I hope you find the answers you are looking for.


Laure
8:19 PM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

@Dahlia, your comment is perfectly pertinent! I recognized myself exactly in your words. My French ex-boyfriend was obsessed with Brazil and so he probably "used me" for two years to visit everything possible with me. Certainly accompanied by me as a "facilitator" - I was a "special interest" and he really made incredible efforts (masks). And now that he got a doctorate in Canada, he didn't care about me anymore and and he abandoned me :). Simply the story didn't matter, but the impact on his selfish routine!! And now he still tries to communicate with me, but I sense that it's only out of interest to return to Brazil when he wishes (and if he doesn't find another real person who will give new benefits in the new country of study). He's cold and totally indifferent, despicable, unrecognizable. The grief of a relationship is disturbing when we face it. There isn't more traumatic way than this and everything has always been a mistake in our eyes. But luckily and consciously, I'm learning about my codependency and abandoning it as an offense once and for all! It's useless to imprison so much love and empathy with these people.


Idem
2:33 PM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

Leah@ >>>I just want to know why many aspies seem obsessed with intimacy, and talk about how wonderful it is, but then just shy away from ever actually engaging in sex with their partner?>>> They are like robots ( it is all fake) they mimic NT people, they think intimacy is important for us so they talk about it. When it comes to action they shy away as they are not interested and with all these sensory issues they clearly struggle with it.


Nana T
10:32 AM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

And now, for some things that I happen to have in common with 'Aspies'/Autistics. 1. I have always been good with math. I could/can do math in my head. in 7th grade, one kid called me a 'human calculator'. Earlier, the teacher came and told me how good and accurate my mathwork was 2. I can remember a whole lot of things in accuracy over my lifetime. I can tell you what grade I was in when they happened or when I did so and so. I can often tell you what part of the school year I went somewhere, did something, etc. I can tell you what year and what month(or what season), I did something, etc. And as I mentioned earlier, I am very good at remembering people as well. 3. I've been known as a 'quiet' person by many since late elementary school years. But starting in late high school, social awkwardness(and moments of not knowing what to say) set in. In high school I did not fit in with my classmates and did not follow trends much at all. But there were reasons for this, which I've been able to fix. But, from the time I was 3/4 up through middle school, I socialized with my peers pretty normally. Elementary school I remember joking with my classmates, daycare mates, etc. I remember engaging with people of all ages in fun conversation. I played with kids in my neighborhood(s) all through elementary school. 4. I did get diagnosed with ADD in elementary school(not sure if I really have that or not). I did struggle in school because of not being interested and not having much confidence. I was able to perform well in school, when I was really determined, esp. in middle and high school. I read that many Aspies are greatly talented in math, have exceptional long term memories, get misdiagnosed with ADD, etc.


Nana T
9:46 AM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

Now for a little of my story. This is the reason I ended up on this website. My mom actually thought I might have Asperger's, which she mentioned to me in 2017. She even tried to get me to go to Autism speaks to help me in getting a proper Job. This is partly what made her think I had Asperger's. I had been with Walmart for 6 years and had been going to interviews to get an accounting job(also since 2011), but had not landed anything. I had been to 5 interviews over the course of 2017(3 at the time she mentioned to me that she thought I had Asperger's). There may have been a few things she read(which I'll get to later) that also made her think that I may have had it. Anyways, I went to an interview in early 2018, and finally landed an accounting gig with a small company, that I'm still with at the moment. Since that time, she hasn't mentioned autism or asperger's again. So I'm thinking maybe she later realized I probably do NOT have it. Anyways, from the time my mom brought that up to me, I did not want to believe that I was on the autism spectrum. But, in the back of my mind I kept thinking that I probably did. I even found myself thinking things I did, were because of possibly having autism/asperger's. I even saw myself in pics and videos and thought that I 'looked' autistic or something,lol. It was like this from 2017 up until a few months ago, when I started doing a whole bunch of reading about autism/asperger's myself(articles, messageboards, etc.). Now, I have enough evidence that tells me that I most likely am NOT on the autism spectrum at all. To start: The fundamental/core traits of autism, I do NOT have. 1. I have never had any sensory issues. I have always been able to wear any type of clothing. I am not especially sensitive to any lights, loud noise, stimuli. I dislike overly bright lights, in the way that most people do. 2. I have never had trouble with eye contact anytime in my life 3. I've understood figures of speech for as long as I can remember; and am not a literal person 4. I have never had any special need for routines. I have had routines in my adult life, but they were not rigid at all. Whenever I have had to switch things up, for whatever reason, it has never been disturbing to me. 5. Even as a child, I had varying interests. I was interested in cultures of the world. I enjoyed reading about all different subjects and people in the World Book encyclopedias(early 90s books). But I also watched a whole lot of TV(too much actually). I enjoyed riding my bike daily. I played soccer on a team. 6. Faceblindness is common in autism. I don't know what percentage of folks on the autism spectrum have faceblindness. But, I absolutely do not have this. Even as an elementary school child I would recognize people no matter where I saw them. Even people that I did not know well, I would recognize them if I saw them elsewhere. That's all for now. More in another post.


Nana T
8:40 AM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

Anyone remember the scenario I posted about, last week. The FB convo between me and my friend Shan? Well, the gentleman that she broke up with a few months ago; HE is already engaged(well, according to his facebook post)now to a woman that lives in Uganda, that he has virtually 'dated' for 3/4 months. Just thought that was odd for two people on two different continents, who have NOT met, and have talked for a few months, to be ready to be engaged already.


Kieran. I
5:00 AM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

Been reading these a while now off and on. Helped me realize I'm not alone. Relationships are a struggle for all human beings, I just feel it's a unique challenge for those with a partner that has aspergers. Arguements are normal, they're one of the unpleasant but necessary parts of communication. I just desperately wish my partner could do that like other people can. No eye contact, a lack of body language and if he shows any its inappropriate. When he is angry, he's too angry- like can't talk to me angry and must dominate angry through screaming or threats. I know that's not normal. Other men are out there like myself- who when they're angry with their partner know that you're a team and let's sort it out / get along. I don't get that vibe from him ever. It makes me feel a little more disappointed every day. He's a great friend. I just don't understand how I will live with this man for the rest of my life when this is the kind of person he is. Need to take care of myself. It's hard but I hope it will be worth it.


Leah
12:30 AM
Tue 6th Oct, 2020

Hi everyone. I've been reading these testimonies for many months now, and they've been so helpful in getting me to not feel so alone. I dated an Aspie, who was 18 years older than me, for just about 11months. He told me, before we were officially together of his diagnosis, and how he received it almost 30 years ago, when many of those on the spectrum were still being missed. However, he sweet talked to me about his dream of meeting someone who saw him as more than his diagnosis/didn't define him by his diagnosis. I was touched by this info he shared, and also had confidence from the fact that he did not seem socially awkward; i had met people previously, who were diagnosed with Aspergers and they all came across as out-right socially awkward types, who never dated. My ex was 48 when we got together, and although he doesn't work and has seemingly grown lazy in his 40s, when he was younger he used his diagnosis to drive him to try and defy odds, by being part of a nationally competitive ultimate frisby team, volunteering for youth international travel groups, and joining a town development council. He has done none of that though for the past 10+ years and is now what you'd consider an insanely isolated individual; looking at things now, it's a true unfortunate wonder that i had ever come to meet him. Its been nearly 1-year since we broke up and I'm still mad, and feeling abandoned. I have read every single testimony on this page and have seen that I'm not alone in this, but have not really seen anyone really address why this.....WHY do so many aspires talk about sex/intamacy often, but seem to have no ability to engage in the actual act after the initial honeymoon phase? The vulnerability I put myself in showing strong consistent desire, and obvious initiations that went on unaddressed with sometimes cold, harsh rejection, has caused me such humiliation that has made me more mad than just about anything about our relationship. The consident/growing lack of reciprocity overall, and just the constant badgering about how awful I was, and how great he was as a person, is what really caused me to call it quits on our relationship. We almost broke up several times before the final time, and he always drew me back by bringing up our lack of sexual relationship, and how our initiate relationship would come back and be amazing if I stayed with him (it never happened). I just want to know why many aspies seem obsessed with intimacy, and talk about how wonderful it is, but then just shy away from ever actually engaging in sex with their partner?


Lisa
8:11 PM
Mon 5th Oct, 2020

Michelle, I feel exactly the same and would love to talk.


Khey
8:08 PM
Mon 5th Oct, 2020

I want to share with you my story, since I decided last thursday to end my relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie (I think I'm right). We met each other on the internet 2 years ago. He was studying, and it took us 2 months of texting before having a date. He told me that "I don't understand social protocols, so I don't like being with people", "I stutter when I think about ordering a coffee", "I'm not confortable with sex, and kissing". We started dating and I focused all my energy on making him comfortable. We had sex (no connection at all, no kisses, no foreplay, and a lot of the things I've read around aspies and sex) but very very very few times - once every 3 weeks, and then suddenly stopped- First "my cold hands", then " the moon", and finally " I have this important exam, so I will not be available for intimacy until it ends - and he is stil studying. We have been celibate since then (1.5 years). He is not able to follow small talk, not even listening to me when I'm talking about something that is important to me (90% of the time, silent, or turning on the radio or changing topics while I'm talking). We just hold hands and hug when going to sleep. He is used to ask "is everything ok?" and if I say "yes" there is no further sharing.  He just wants to share films, youtube videos (on his interests) and mountain walks with me.  I also realised when I share something with him, that he doesn't understand the emotional part. I told him I was divorced, and after being silent I told him... "What do you think about it..?" " His answers... " I don't know, it's up to you" and this kind of weird answer... Last week when I told him I was leaving he promised me he would fight for the relationship, being affectionate and going out with me (something that has not happened in 2 years). I feel exhausted and drained, and I think that he is never going to provide me the level of connection I need in an intimate relationship. Sometimes he hugs me and kisses me slightly in the mouth but I don't feel it is sincere.  Just want to share. I don't know whether to settle or keep going with the breakup. Something inside me tells me that nothing is going to change. Just maybe temporary, just like when we started. Thanks for your testimonials.


Dahlia
7:47 PM
Mon 5th Oct, 2020

It’s heartbreaking and hard to accept, but unfortunately no one is “everything” for an AS. They don’t miss us for who we are or what we have done and experienced together. If they miss us, they miss what we did or can do for them in the future... If their longtime partner leaves or dies, AS miss benefits and services a partner can provide, like good economy, someone to do the work they don’t like, to organize their social and domestic life... ASs don’t like change and are heavily dependent on routines, so a partner leaving can be disruptive, but as soon as they re-establish their routines and get economic issues sorted out, everything is good in AS-land.... It’s heartbreaking, but they really don’t have deep connection with and romantic love for their partners, at least not how NTs feel and think love. AS-love is more about cost/benefits, functionality and partners meeting their needs all the time. That’s why they are so “in and out” and “hot and cold” in relationships. They are “hot” when they need us and we “function” as expected, and “cold” when they have other priorities or we stop to function properly (like when we are sick or have needs of our own)... Please don’t worry how they will manage emotionally without you, they will be perfectly fine sooner than you can believe... ASs are usually more deeply connected to things, like cars, house appliances, electronics etc, than to real people in their lives. Sad but in my experience true :(


Alex
5:04 PM
Mon 5th Oct, 2020

@Trevor, yes, the point is that nothing is clear and nothing has a sense in the usual way. (not from Northen Ireland, so im afraid there’s more than one girl like that…) I finally came to surrender, just trying not to look for more meanings where i suspect there is not at all, or in any case i dont care any more because is not good for me. This last year stress and anxiety has made me lose almost 30 lb, that’s just one glimpse of how i have been. As you said, if those messages meant nothing and wanted nothing with me, why did she send them? Why did she came to me? Is she aware that this attitude and messages mean something more than friendship in the context we where? Frankly, i dont care any more. I wont waste any other minute of my life analysing her messages. After that i had a major issue in my life involving one of my closest first degree family members and i was rewarded the next months with support through silence and distance. Not to mention how i had helped her in any possible aspect and way. Look, I really feel sorry for her, as i see her suffering and sometimes guilt and its real, still lover her and have regular contact. Now much less since im not a major interest any more, but some kind. But I also know that i dont want to have her as a partner, besides the fact that she left me. And i have to say that lately i am starting to feel a nice and peaceful feeling inside. I dont want to suffer any more, dont want to spend my time wondering what she means, what she wants, what have i done wrong, just cancelling everything in my life waiting for her to decide what to do, just to decide in the last second that wants to be left alone or do any other thing without me… finally is just a toxic relationship, no matter if its because asp. But I know what you mean, with a no ASD woman would be much more easy to let go, I also feel the same way. @Idem you are right, all those messages are not accurate at all, and lead everyone to frustration and damage. I think also for aspies, as they many times keep bumping on the wall trying again and again what is not possible. To be honest I don’t think they really want to be into a relationship with anyone. For what I have seen they don’t understand what it really takes. But leading to the point we are now, i think is just in our side to decide how long do we want to continue to consume ourselves. In my opinion, is just not possible to be into a healthy relationship with them, no matter how hard we try. And remember, they don't mind letting us down, don’t forget that.


Kevin
10:26 AM
Mon 5th Oct, 2020

I am so greatful to have found this site. I've been in relationship with an undiagnosed aspie for almost ten years. I feel alone, invisible, unattended too. I go through periods of just sucking it up and moving along with life and then I go through periods of struggle and constant desire to leave. I am his life, it's too much. I don't know how to leave without totally crushing him.


Miel
3:42 AM
Mon 5th Oct, 2020

@Karen Your experience echoes mine: the added betrayal of having trusted him as a friend, his anxiety and relentless anger (not to mention his terrible fashion sense and videos). You did nothing wrong. He made you feel loved and you reciprocated. (They mean nothing they say but, they’ll also say whatever it takes to stoke your feelings.) It’s normal to react negatively to the senseless cruelty of their rejection. Take comfort in the fact that he soon may not even remember you as the mask often hinders their memory (in part, this is why they’re so shameless.) This forum and endorphins saved my life. That anxiety and low self-esteem feeling of no longer knowing who you are is partly chemical. I liken it to whiplash, the emotional result of your love getting so violently jerked by a jerk. Working out helped with these feelings. Any activity that exhausts you enough to push him from your mind will eventually strengthen you enough to forget him. I highly recommend it.


Idem
8:40 PM
Sun 4th Oct, 2020

Alex@, David@ You are perfectly correct. Unfortunately the problem is that we are constantly bombarded by press, different pro-autistic organisation claiming that they are so poor, abused and bullied by NT people that we should be so UNDERSTANDING to them all the time. There are this YouTube talks by Australian Aspie bloke ( don't remember his name) and from their perspective it is : -They are often overwhelmed by different situation and life in general so they have to re-charge and be left alone ....they get into meltdowns and shut downs so WE SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDING -if there is any problem in relationships which needs discussing ( what is normal in any relationships) it happens the same they get overwhelmed,shut down and that it is and again WE SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDING -if NT partner has any problem ( maybe someone close in family died) it is the same they don't know not to support us so they get into meltdowns and shut downs so WE SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDING So I don't understand why they don't just live alone or go in relationships which each other ? What benefit they bring in relation with NT person? Even ( I don't have these experiences) but sex with them is mechanical with zero tenderness....so it is the same like buying sex toy as replacement. At least sex toy would not get into meltdowns that it was touched in wrong time in wrong place and she does not like it.


Trevor
8:19 PM
Sun 4th Oct, 2020

@Alex the 'clear' message you've got might be only clear to person with ASD. Since they can't read between the lines I assume they have no clue that "Nothing, don't worry about my messages because they don't mean anything." is very manipulative, especially while they keep sending these messages and won't go away. I bet you asked yourself 'If they didn't mean anything then why were you sending them in the first place?'. Probably any person with a drop of logic in their head will ask this question. To normal person such message can sound the same as NT woman saying 'Nothing.' when you see she's pissed off and you ask 'What's wrong?'. It's constructed the way that it sends a negative emotion and will cause you to seek what wrong you have done. It's the exact tone the girl I was involved with was using. Very enigmatic, arrogant and manipulative. Please tell me that you don't live in Northern Ireland cause I involuntarily keep reading what you quote in this girl's voice. I can only advice you what my friend did advice to me. Stay away from this woman and you'll be fine. I did for a year and I was great until my recent interaction with her. Now even knowing that she has ASD I'm still completely confused and having hard time letting it go as I would with any other incompatible woman. Stay strong mate!


Alex
6:31 PM
Sun 4th Oct, 2020

@David you are awfully right. We cannot respond eternally with more empathy to those who dont recognise it. The only thing we get is to end up emotionally exhausted and empty. I have a degree on that. This is difficult and painful because surely many of us are highly sensitive, empathic and possibly in need of recognition (I speak for me). The natural response would be to increase the dose of empathy, but this is totally useless. Just as it is useless to ask ourselves what we have done wrong, why they have left us, why we have not been able to alleviate their suffering, why they keep ignoring us any our needs... We have to start using some of that empathy towards ourselves, recognising the value of the effort made and knowing that we too deserve to be loved, understood and forgiven for who we are. Because at the end we are also using a mask denying ourselves what we are, want, need… just to get some crumbles of affection, and maybe not even that. In my case I also need to stop looking for meaning and coherence where there is not. For me it was very clear, after some absolutely consuming months looking for the meaning of her messages and her actions I asked her directly what they meant, because I really thought that she wanted to go further and I was not being able to reach her. The answer hurt me a lot, but surely it was the most clear one I could have: "Nothing, don't worry about my messages because they don't mean anything". So let's keep our empathy and understanding to ourselves as well, don't judge us too harshly and keep going on because the world is full of people who can love and appreciate us for what we are, even if we are not perfect. I also say all this to give some strenght to myself, i am fully aware of how difficult it is sometimes to give up and move on. We should start dating among us, he he.


Karen
3:34 PM
Sun 4th Oct, 2020

Hi Michelle I would love to chat, I hear you and I feel your pain. I am still reeling in pain months later, my heart physically aches. No closure, no understanding.. I’m at fault. I know it’s for the best but it seems I have low esteem and feel so low. I am happy to talk and support each other. ADMIN: Karen, I have removed your email address. If Michelle would like to email us, I’d be happy to pass it on.


Jean
10:22 AM
Sun 4th Oct, 2020

@ David- so right! A friend wisely reminds me sometimes the healthiest thing to do is "ration the compassion".


Vicky
9:05 AM
Sun 4th Oct, 2020

Michelle - you have the exact relationship I lived for 21 years. The awful feelings you have now will eventually extinguish your soul as the years tick by. I am 5 months divorced and I smile and feel happy every day. I was just hanging out with my friend and told if I knew I could be this happy without him I would have left years ago. You are stuck as I was by the fear of the unknown. I am living the unknown and it is fantastic. I no longer have to endure him being neglectful, minimal communication, robotic mannerisms, me having to take the initiative for everything and just joyless existence of that relationship. I know you are still there but I too thought of ending it every day for 4 years & to this day I can’t figure out why I dragged it out. I was telling myself I was unhappy and even started getting sick but I stayed and I regret not taking care of myself by leaving sooner. I am choosing to make up for lost time and love me each day! I hope you find your resolution.


Michelle
10:09 PM
Sat 3rd Oct, 2020

Karen I just read your post. Even though it hurts you are super lucky he spit you out. I am 4 years into a relationship with a man who is high functioning. The pain he causes me is bone crushing. I always blame myself for his weirdness thinking I’m not lovable. My friends remind me that he is weird and I’m not. :) He is so super selfish. I’ve never received a real gift ( he got me a life preserver for Christmas one year. For my paddleboard so I could be law compliant) I have spent thousands on him over the years. I just figured I do t really need gifts and that receiving a gift is t important. Turns out over time it makes me feel worthless. There are COUNTLESS stories I could tell. On the outside my dude looks normal. Tall, handsome, smart, accomplished... but ... he is far from normal. He is not diagnosed because he refuses to go to a Thearpist. I spent thousands of dollars seeing a couple who specialize in neurodiverse relationships. I went to understand but it does not eliminate the pain he causes. I keep thinking one day he will get it. He won’t. We live together. I’m like his mom. I do everything. He is on his computer constantly. Sometimes he is awake for two days no sleep researching his pet topics. He is very social but is very surfacy. Sex is awesome BUT it has no emotional connection. He gets up right away gets dressed and leaves the room. He never says I love you first. If I say it he parrots back in a super weird voice. We have never cuddled. He never reaches for me... Why do I stay. I’m so tired... I think about breaking up all day everyday. But I don’t. I do t want another failed relationship. Actually this is a failed relationship. I need the plutonic attention of other men just to keep myself from going over the edge. I have thought of suicide... the depths his weirdness bring me to is unimaginable... he has no idea. He is busy being himself. For anyone who is reading this and gets it I would love to chat. There are no support groups for people lime us. There should be! I’m in Southern California.


Amber
9:29 PM
Sat 3rd Oct, 2020

Please help. I have posted before. Living with father-in-law with HFA.Does anyone feel so frustrated at the lack of understanding to have reciprocal care or empathy and trying to explain to the individual how this works to them and they sit there looking dumbfounded and say the most inappropriate hurtful things just to prove they haven't understood a word of what your saying.I then end up getting angry and start shouting with frustration. I feel so guilty for losing my temper, but even then the reaction from them is like talking to a cupboard cutout. I then beat myself up thinking I'm the heartless, uncaring individual.


David
9:24 PM
Sat 3rd Oct, 2020

I've found it useful to no longer make a firm distinction between aspie and non-aspie, but rather to acknowledge that certain behaviors are incompatible with fulfilling relationships (no matter what the underlying cause might be).  We are always looking for diagnostic boxes to put people in- it helps us make sense of the world.  But in the case of relationships, I look for certain qualities that can add value to my life.  I also want to do the same for my partner.  The universal traits that are common to all successful relationships are empathy, selflessness, and emotional reciprocity.  Aspies represent an extreme example of just the opposite, and they unknowingly provide us with a useful (if painful) lesson.  My interaction with them has helped me understand what is most important to me in a relationship.  When I hear from people struggling with their empathy-deficient partners, I wonder whether co-dependency is part of the problem.  A co-dependent person constantly needs to "rescue" such disordered people in order to feel good about themselves.  That is not a healthy way to think.  In order to guard against being sucked into an emotional black hole where one gives but gets nothing in return, we need to become more self-centered and have less empathy when dealing with empathy-deficient people.  This does not come easy for us, but we need to do it. My "empathy switch" was always in the "on" position, and this was emotionally exhausting and self-defeating.  I have learned (and continue to learn) to selectively turn it off with some people in order to protect myself and have a better quality of life.  As difficult as this may be, it's a good way to restore one's self worth and dignity, and to move on.


Karen
12:41 PM
Sat 3rd Oct, 2020

I met a beautiful, intelligent and charismatic man 4 years ago at a camp. I felt chemistry then but timing was not right as we both were in relationships. We kept in platonic contact for 4 years online mainly. I reached out to him when my marriage failed, we chatted online for a few weeks before he offered to drive down and meet up. To cut a long story short...I fell hard, I adored him - between that date and knowing him from afar for 4 years I thought he was just incredible! I ignored the red flags because I was so besotted....the flags were.. talking about himself a lot ( I was mesmerised, so that was ok!), clothing limitations, awkward but at times charming socially, food limitations, limited friendships, minimal contact with family, adverse to change, anxiety, negative outlook, awkward questions before intimacy, insular, very intelligent, he told me he could get very angry, so many assumptions and misunderstandings, several relationships ( at 47), son with ASD, no goals, makes thousands of edited music videos, anxious, sensitive, cried but he didn’t want to be comforted. We had an evening of intimacy, I initiated it - I offered feelings ( just that I liked him) - he backed away. I apologised ( I unsure of what), he blocked me, I waited 5 weeks then sent a gift for his birthday, he was angry with me, I waited and contacted him again, apologising - for anything I could - I didn’t understand, a month later ( just wanting understanding..), his anger towards me continued...finally I let go - I adored him. I feel traumatised by my feelings, his lack of communication - so I could understand. This website helps... I know I should have let go after his first ambivalent reply but I was infatuation. I have researched many conditions and disorders trying to figure myself out and what I did wrong ( I’m possibly rejection sensitive with low esteem). However he ticks many boxes for HF ASD. My heart feels broken but I know it’s for the best.


Jean
7:55 AM
Sat 3rd Oct, 2020

I still occasionally see or talk to my ex whom I strongly suspect is ASD. Once I understood my resentment lessened and it made it easier to accept him as a friend, or loose aquaintence is probably more accurate since a romantic or even true reciprocal friendship isn't likely. Anyway, I've known him about ten years. He's had three cars. Today he purchased the third one, and it was the exact same make model and color as the previous 2. I just found that so amusingly typical. Also, I never realized it until having some time and space before communication resumed, but he talks about himself in the third person sometimes. A little reading into this brought up an article about this in autistic kids and a study that was done with deaf autistic kids. Something about the mind blindness to even themselves. Interesting and sad.


Idem
3:38 AM
Sat 3rd Oct, 2020

Fla@ I think that with NT partners we usually quite quickly establish main points - if they are caring, sensitive, lavish or mean with money, lazy, abrupt selfish....There are always small things which we discover later ( habits) but they are not so vital in relationships. I think in the beginning we all put on some masks to come across better but this masks are not so strong and when dropped it is not so traumatic for partners. Another thing - in NT relationships - partners come from different homes, backgrounds with different habits so we usually just compromise - in healthy relationships 50% each. Aspie don't compromise they expect NT partner to compromise 100%- first unhealthy unbalance. I was watching some Aspie talks on YouTube except the fact that they are not capable to love anyone as they have problems with defining their feeling they also need lots time alone to re-charge. They are so focused on themselves that it is like narcissistic behaviour. For me they are like emotionally disabled people. Maybe it would be ok if they say it all upfront to their future partners but they hide it and cheat emotionally.


Flá
3:04 AM
Fri 2nd Oct, 2020

Many people who talk to me about my relationship with an ex-aspie question me something very similar to the one described in the penultimate comment @Idem - October 1, 2020. And it's something that I'm reflecting on lately and I'm building a thought as I heal my codependency itself. But in our current context, thinking about romantic relationships, we migrate from monogamy to so many other types of bonds that we create with a new partner. Within any of these relationship formats, I realize that we're adapting with the greatest fluidity of our partner exchanges, with our openness to not getting married too, with the exchange of partners more quickly and, especially, our less tolerance for deviations in behavior from our partners. All of this in a very positive evolutionary form in which "we learned not to accept the smallest for us", which in the past was silenced or even absent. This in relationships with or without neurodiversity. Let's say that we're more alert to what we must endure and we must not endure (intolerable) in the treatment we give / receive from others. This context differs from many decades ago in which relationships were anchored in many categories of stability in people's lives, in which divorces were as exhausting as choice and morally compromising. And, obviously, the fact that the internet didn't exist made it more difficult for these "alerts" to circulate as information to us before making choices or knowing deeply what we know today (in seconds). I'm in many NT partner groups and read many comments from people already married to their aspies partners over 30/40/50 years together often associated with the comments "If I had known this before, I would have run very far!". All this to say that I was reflecting and that I'd like to share with you. Knowing that our emotional "patience / intolerance" takes a very different path from "we must endure everything", what will it be for Aspergers partners? Especially the most unconscious and who can be so "abusive". That is, how many people are truly "supporting" all of this as so many people have endured in long marriages or relationships? At the age of 30 I felt that I went to the limit of mental / emotional / psychological / physical exhaustion in just two years and with a DISTANCE relationship! And when I read the comments of people who stayed longer and the emotional strength with which they dedicated YEARS OF LIFE to these people, I cannot project a similar current reality. And I don't say all of that to invalidate any choice to go or stay. On the contrary, I wonder how this type of relationship with an Aspie can support our new ways? We're already having more difficulties in establishing affective bonds with people without neurodiversity, with emotional resources to make it work, I cannot imagine what a future would be like with an Aspie inserted in it. I hope it was clear and I'd love your opinion. I embrace you all dear people! Thank you for everything! <3


Alex
7:35 PM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

Yes, I also find this page life saving. I keep reading the posts every time I break, start blaming myself for something I did do, say, didnt do, say… Every time I want to text her, even if the personal issue is over, just because I die for my little portion of attention, now gone. 100 to 0. Because she texts me when she wants something. Even proposed me to go to a concert with her, that’s something that always did when together and in all the dating phase. Now I know is not me, is the concert. Well, and also invited me to go to a place in group, also with her new “partner”… without telling me before that was with someone new. Imagine that I went there… luckily enough I was starting to take care of myself and said no. No words. So reading all your posts is really helping me to be strong, not initiate any kind of contact and say no to the proposals. My mind knows it was just smoke, but my heart is not aware of that, because for me it all was real and had a meaning. I live in a small town, so is not possible zero contact since part of social circle is common and have some work issues together. That’s why now I must give my best to get out of this obsession I have, I am ashamed but must admit it, and go ahead. Its been months of constantly thinking of her, moreover with this 24/7 wtspp chatting, nice words an attention, sending me things, even when the official relationship was over. The constant attention continued the same, that’s why I always thought she was still feeling something for me and I had a chance. Except when she disappeared and needed space. Which would drive me crazy. Thanks @Idem, @Clare, @Trevor, thanks for your words. I know is really hard and painful, but to cut on time is best thing to do. I wish I had never started anything with her. I am lucky because I have good friends who are helping me to get over, but for me this place is important because I feel people here really understand what I have been going through. Is not just meeting a “bad person”, as my friends say. Its more than that, and it makes it more difficult. But as @David says, at the end damage is damage. Thanks David for speaking so clearly, it helps so much. I guess we all know, but its also important to hear it from the outside. And reading your experiences and thoughts reassures me when doubts, pain and guilt arrive. I tell myself that even though she is a wonderful person who suffers unjustly, I have been emotionally abused, ignored, neglected, confused, used and denied. Me and all of us have to move out of here, no matter how.


beth
4:15 PM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

Married 5yrs with my undiag as for 15yrs. We just split up 2wks ago. I can finaly breath out. Been the worst exper of my life but I will never look back. I come to this sight almost every day for reassurance. Thank you all. x


Idem
3:04 PM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

Joe@- It is spot on description. The problem is that lots of NT people are not so observant, perceptive and they miss these signs. When you see rude, arrogant,mean NT person it is easy to notice.We don't accept it but we understand it. Aspies with constant masking - they play game which is dangerous for NTs- they are nice, considerate...than mask drops once, twice, more often and we are left completely confused. It is so contradictive behaviour that we struggle to understand. I also noticed that when they find as 'prey' they want to get married quickly as they can't keep this mask too long. I am not sure what they are thinking that prey is caught and locked with no escape? It is 21 century and divorces are still easy available. Unless their next step is playing guilt and control game so NT person will feel trapped.


Laurie
1:09 PM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

I have 2 master's degrees and 2 bachelor's degrees and constantly read and is research. HFA husband has high school diploma. He knows it all however! No room for new ideas or discussing anything. He has it all sewed up.


Joe
11:19 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

Aspie behavior can actually be scary for a NT person to witness. The whole idea of a person who can literally only think or care about themselves and their perspective is frightening. The narcissism, stubbornness, constant criticism and whining, mindblindness, meltdowns out of nowhere, verbal and physical abuse, negativity, and bizarre, controlling behavior in general can be very traumatizing to a NT person. The scariest part, however, is the just the whole robotic, lack of human connection. It feels like you aren't even communicating with another human being. In response to "Over", yes, it is normal for them to be neurotic, unreasonable, and complain nonstop and ruin anything good by either pointing out something negative or going out of their way to ruin it themselves. It seems like they're constantly anxious and need a problem to fixate on so if there is no problem they will go out of their way to make one. You can't make a situation with them better because they lack reasoning abilities and don't understand that there are different perspectives to problems. To them only their point of view exists which is an insane concept to any NT person.


Roisin
9:38 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

IMHO - if you wish to extricate yourself from a relationship with an Aspie - keep a journal for sure!- (365 or more days of "what was I thinking?"). Hold your head high, and keep on moving forward, step by step. Block the Aspie from all social media, and from your cell phone and land line. Do not relent. Time will be your friend. Stay strong. Take care of yourself -be good to yourself. If you recognize codependency on your part, get help for that - there are many online resources available to you, and you will become stronger and much more confident, and you will eventually be far less likely to fall into a relationship which saps you completely, while you are pulling out all stops to serve another who truly will never appreciate your efforts. Stop second guessing yourself!! I noticed major red flags early on, and allowed people to convince me that a healthy relationship was possible - still sorry that I listened to those well-meaning folks. And keep reading and re-reading these testimonials - we are all spilling our guts out here on this website. Save yourselves, whether it be early, or later on, in a relationship. I have mentioned that I am still working my way out of a financial mess caused by my departure from my living arrangement with my Aspie, but am now exponentially happier and much more at ease in my life, and am able to breathe, to enjoy, to take deep breaths, to experience each day fully. Don't ever, ever fool yourself into believing that you are the one magical person who will change your Aspie, when all those whom have gone before you have failed. All the very best to all of us, always!


Lynn
6:00 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

Thank you all for your testimonials, which really helped me process a very tumultuous relationship which I had with an undiagnosed Aspie man more than a year ago. I dated him for three and a half months. Initially, it was fabulous--like a dream come true! He was tall, handsome, very intelligent, fluent in four languages and had a high-paying job in IT/engineering. We had tremendous chemistry together, and he was a wonderful lover. He cooked gourmet meals for me, wrote me love poems, sent flowers, bought me clothes, jewelry, chocolates. I was quite swept away by all this--although now I realize it was love-bombing. We decided to get married and even set a date. We planned a honeymoon and began looking at lovely homes which we could potentially move into after the wedding. But then I began noticing some serious red flags. He was 58 and had been divorced three times--and his most recent marriage only lasted 5 months. (I am 62, a never-married professional woman). One of his daughters from a previous marriage was diagnosed with Aspergers and another was a teenager who had been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. He had no friends. He had narrow special interests, including military history, airplanes and model trains, and knew a vast amount about all these areas. He moved into my house for six and a half weeks, and became very jealous, controlling and possessive, wanting me to spend all my time with him and not see any of my friends. I took him to a couple of social events and he had a meltdown. He could not make eye contact or small talk when speaking with people and thought (incorrectly) that I was flirting with the other men at the events. He insisted on a strict routine and freaked out if something was not scheduled. This was a real deal-killer for me, since I like variety and spontaneity and am very sociable. I asked him if we could have a longer engagement--six months or a year--to make sure we were really compatible. He declined, I now believe because he couldn't keep up the masking for six months. Although I was only with him for a short period of time, I was beginning to lose my sense of agency and felt that I had to contort myself into a pretzel to accommodate his routines and quirks. I also felt like I was walking on eggshells when I took him to social events and could not mingle with the other guests and be myself. So I broke up with him on Valentine's Day last year. It was a very difficult decision because I did love him--or at least the image he was projecting during this "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. But I believe this was one of the best decisions I ever made. I truly believe I dodged a bullet. Stay strong and best wishes to all!


Clare
4:56 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

@mary I know you are not being mean. I think you are 100% right in what you say. I need to look deep within myself. I have have had counselling before and it was already established that I have problems stemming from parent/child role reversal after my mom left and my dad took to the bottle, then my long term relationship that started at 15 was with a lad who's mom had left him and so he treated me more like I was his mom our whole relationship. There is definitely a pattern here. I do also feel like I am trying to prove something all the time, and I dont exactly know what, or to whom. I feel so much calmer today because I feel I have accepted that it can't go any further, and im so grateful I found this site when I did. Thanks for your comments


Kitty
3:45 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

I'm not sure who owns this site, or even which country it operates from (Aussie land?) but I just like to say, from the absolute bottom of my heart what a godsend it is. I read every testimonial and honestly, I have saved a fortune in therapy by coming here. I split up with an aspie in February and finally I'm beginning to feel a mild degree of indifference towards them (I was obsessed with them when with him, he asked me to marry him, but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it was fake and 'mirroring'! Davis et al have been a blessing. I'm grateful that there are others on this site who can articulate in words what I'm feeling as the whole Cassandra/gaslighting/invalidation is very real and almost impossible to explain to my friends and family. Anyway, keep the faith, people. Remember, there is a whole world of lovely people out there reaching out for connection and intimacy. Let's chalk it up to experience and be stronger (and more aware) for our next encounter! Peace. X


Idem
3:21 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

Alex@ >>>>>They don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want and don’t know who they are. You, you are not even in the picture, its just not possible, there is no picture, there is no frame. Just colours. I imagine that it is like looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing only the colours without the shape. But they will try to fit in over and over, and have great social mask, develop amazing skills just to be like anyone else. Because they desperately want to fit in a world that just don’t understand.>>> This is so good description and you come across as so intelligent , observant, compassionate man. I think with time ( even it is very painful!!!!) you will find someone who will appreciate you. In conclusion - they are very unhappy people- like aliens who landed on the earth in error.


Mary
2:49 AM
Thu 1st Oct, 2020

@Clare. Let me bring some focus to your hurt and confusion. In the first few months you were so put off by this man, that you blocked him. Now, just 7 weeks into a reconciliation, he's "gone dark" on you for over a week. Let's leave out the Autism and assess this independently. Let me ask you: When you make your list of ideal traits of your Dream Guy, does disappearing for a full week without explanation appear on that list? How about "keeping you unsettled, confused, and on eggshells?" I'm thinking the answer is NO. These are not on your Wish List. Since you are not truly invested, not living together, not married, and have no kids together, you are perfectly primed to go find yourself a better man. If you stay, then you need to realize that it's not because he is a fantastic "catch" ... but rather because there is something in YOUR own psychological makeup, back-story, family of origin (etc) that keeps you waiting and hoping for a guy like this to act right, validate and choose you. Or because you have a deep-down desire to "fix" him and prove your own special-ness. I say this not to be mean, Clare, but rather with the most helpful of intentions, because this is a common dynamic for people who are involved with Aspies (myself included). I have been on that same journey of trying to figure out why-Oh-why I stayed so long with a guy who was so inadequate and incapable of meeting my needs starting at Date No. 1.


David
10:01 PM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

Dear all- do not feel guilty about not understanding an aspie. Our empathy for such people is self-defeating. Just understand that you have been manipulated by a person who doesn't care about you. Whether they are neurologically capable of caring about you is irrelevant. That is their problem- don't make it yours. Just use the valuable experiences of people on this website to recognize this behavior, cut your losses, and move on. I know, it's easier said than done, but we need to protect ourselves. Frankly, it doesn't matter to me whether someone doesn't care because they can't (because of a neurological problem), or because they won't (because it's their choice)- either way they're not good for us. A little less empathy on our part, when dealing with someone who lacks empathy, is the best approach in my opinion. Too much empathy can be just as bad as too little. We all need to strike a better balance (myself included).


Elodie
8:48 PM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

@Aussie - thank you for your comments, you are so right on the treading on eggshells thing - it is a constant watching and wincing at things he is doing and not feeling that I can say anything. I also wanted to thank you for your comments from 7 September, which I had already seen and off the back of that actually contacted Carol and have spoken to her. Very very helpful - so many thanks for putting that out there. Best wishes to you and everyone on here.


Clare
1:55 PM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

@alex I think im starting to understand a bit how you feel already. The guilt of getting frustrated with them, then realising they dont understand. The emotional rollercoaster. Always wondering if its something you've done or said when they withdraw, or if they think they can do better. But i also understand that they are so easy to fall in love with because they can be so endearing and interesting and because they seem like a child deep down, you get that maternal feeling and start to care for them. If your an empathic person like us you can't help but to get in this cycle because we are the complete opposite of them, and we seem to be the people who end up with them for longest because we're the only people who are understanding enough to put up with them for more than a few weeks. Part of us probably feels sorry for them, and too guilty to walk away, even though they will do that to us without a second thought. Its crazy. At the beginning before my a.s guy told me he was autistic, I mistook his behaviour for him being a player, so after 3 months I blocked him on everything. It felt good for a few days, then i felt like a horrible person and missed him, so after a month I unblocked him but didn't text him. Within 24 hours he had noticed and messaged me, and he didn't even seem to care that I'd done something so cruel, which made me think "oh what a lovely person he must be, and what a horrible person I've been" (I realise now he probably just didn't care) therefore when he asked me out I agreed and and we've been dating again nearly 7 weeks (but now he's gone withdrawn for nearly a week and I'm suffering) i text him to say I'll leave him alone for a bit, but im starting to think I can't do this. Thanks for your warnings Alex (and mary) and take care of yourselves first. Thats all we can do.


Dahlia
11:06 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

@ Mouse (Wed 23rd Sep) I am sure your kid is going to be OK. He learns about love and compassion from you, and you do so many good things for your kid in a special and difficult situation for yourself too. Doing activities with aspie parent can even be a good thing for your kid if there is something they both can enjoy. With my mother it was reading (she read for me before I could read myself), movies and knowledge games. Aspies have their strengths and can be very good teachers if they are motivated enough. The problem is they are world champions in criticism if they think you need “improvement” (not every aspie does this, I know also passive ones who never criticize). When my father was alive he often told me how smart, good and great I was, and I think that was the best medicine for my mothers venom.


Dahlia
10:15 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

@Idem (Mon 14th Sep), Thank you for your compassion. I feel for you too, growing up with an ASD father could not be easy. I don’t have sensory sensitivities, but I do know what is like to be exhausted and empty for energy, so I hope you take good care of yourself to recharge.


Flávia
9:34 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

I have written a few times on this forum since May this year. I'm in the mourning phase for a failed 2-year (distance) relationship with an undiagnosed ex. I have lived some relationships before and I believe that with an aspie it was the most devastating experience of my life. I never imagined that I could feel so weakened in life.. Even if the relationship was at a distance, I just can't digest all the crap it was, especially the amazing masks! Even the dirty work of the terminal they don't do! And emotional pain is thrown at twice the burden on us, NT partners. I detest the fact that he's going for a doctorate in Canada, with success and opportunism, while I'm SIMPLY trying to survive within my emotions lacerated by him. I paralyzed my life for him and he went on easily. I have a human anguish when I think they made me fall. Worst of all, I recognize myself as codependent, permissive of everything that was certainly determined to be "abuse". Sometimes I want to control my obsession with "Asperger"! I wake up at dawn and read dense scientific texts on my cell phone while I don't fall asleep again. I feel addicted. How do I get out of this madness?! @David, I love your comments and I'd love to be able to chat with you on social media. Your texts motivate me a lot to escape! How is this possible?


Dahlia
9:02 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

@Alex, You said it so well, exactly how it is, especially this: “...its an adult intelligence in a non existent emotional development, they live in a flow of mixed emotions that cant recognise and are absolutely overwhelmed by it”... They really don’t know who they are or how and what they feel in close relationships. They are happiest when they are left alone to do what they want to do, usually their special interest of the moment... But sometimes they want to have friends or family or boy/girlfriend and than one of us becomes their special interest for a short period of time. They try to appear “normal” and they mirror people they know or what they have seen on TV, and in the beginning they mirror us too... and it feels like we met our soul mate. It seems like there is immediate connection, long interesting conversations, laser focus and interest in us... But it never lasts, because it’s not real, they can not sustain it, it’s hard work for them... but our feelings and bond is real, and it’s soul crashing when we find out there was never fire it was just a smoke... you felt in love with an unknown person holding a mirror in front of you... You never really know who they are, because they mask and hide, but even if they don’t their true self is so unstable, they are not consistent and they change interests, principles and beliefs often, or they become different personas depending on who they are with, especially if they are not aware that they are autistic... They can be very smart, eloquent and have great passion for their work and special interests, they can also feel strongly about things, but they don’t feel the same way we do, they don’t connect with the people the same way we connect, they don’t feel the loss of the near ones the same way we do... My mother lost 2 husbands after long marriages (they both died), she grieved just in public and just for a weak and after that they were forgotten totally, never mentioned again. Like they never existed. And she had 2 small kids with my father... I really think AS and NTs are so different emotionally and psychologically, that it is not possible for an AS and a NT to be content and happy at the same time in any relationship. One of them has always to adapt and compromise a lot, and given aspies egocentricity and mind blindness it’s usually NTs suffering most... Even aspies who have some insight and really try not to hurt, they still can’t, just can’t give NTs the minimum of what we need to thrive... Its not aspies fault, it’s not our fault, it’s just what it is - IMO we are two different species, we can coexist and respect each other, but should not marry or make babies together... I hope both aspies and NTs learn as much as possible as soon as possible about differences in our neurology, and based on that knowledge choose if we want to involve or not to be involved in close relationships with each other.


Trevor
9:02 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

@Alex: I feel you mate cause it sounds like we ran on the same girl. In short, she was acting the way normal girls do when hitting on guys but sometimes she appeared very aloof out of the blue and changed moods, I just took a note of that as a red flag. She would always text me back almost instantly. One night, just before she was to fly to her hometown to get her two nieces for the summer, she came to me near midnight to print boarding pass and told me that for some time she will be busy with nieces and her stuff. Fair enough, I don't feel like born to wait but she seemed worth it. We were exchanging texts and seen each other randomly cause we live very close by. After a month I invited her to dinner, messenger was showing that she did read the message but was not answering for three weeks. After a week I simply ticked her off as lost case and put on ignore. After three weeks she suddenly sends me a message that she somehow didn't notice the message and she is sorry that she left me with no answer. Notice that she didn't provide any answer in this message. I did not respond to that and thought she will get the clue. She didn't. I had a coffee date with our common male friend from work and he told her day earlier so she came with him just to say hello to me. At this point I got pissed off. Later at work I asked her through messenger what's with her being constantly so busy she can't see me and if that's going to change and explained her that at the moment I think she's just stringing me. Oh God, her question was 'Who do you think we are?' I explained that we are acquaintances but I was considering her as potential partner and what she is doing is unacceptable. She went savage after that. I texted her one more time with some questions cause I was never so confused in my life but got only humiliated. Last thing I have done was sending her email with an apology and explaining that I'm 37, alone in a foreign country and I must be careful cause one slip-up can cost me dearly. We didn't talk for a year. This summer I wanted to build my portfolio and looked at photos on her studio page. She didn't have a website so I made a prototype, uploaded to server and contacted her through her studio page, also liked one of her drawings on instagram cause it was really good. I explained clearly that I need that for portfolio and I can do it on my own but would like her to do logotype, writing and suggest a colour palette. I told her that it's mutual benefit and she will get more clients. No answer. In the meantime (we basically wrote the massages at the same time) she contacted me on personal account about getting back something she gave me and told me she don't want it back, although I told her that when I'm done I'll give it back to her. We had a pleasant convo and I told her to poke me whenever she has a time to get it back. Two weeks and silence, I've made another and much better prototype of page and sent her. No response. After a week I wrote that I can do it alone but the logotype will be a big effort for me and I need her approval cause photos are her intellectual property. I explained that I have like 5 more bigger projects to do next and if she's not interested in it whatsoever I will have to do that with some stock photos as a fictional studio page. Quoting: 'Yes you should do it. I'm busy with something else. Don't worry about my website.' (took her three weeks to say it and don't know about you but to me it's some top notch arrogance blasting from it) This time I got ballistic and told her that I left her stuff in the shed outside my house and she can come an pick it anytime without me participating in it, cause I get the message that she doesn't want to see me. Quoting: 'I'll come and pick it but' My thought was like 'but what?', although I didn't say anything. Like she could do anything worse. :D We exchanged some messages where I told her that I don't understand anything but after last argument I'm pretty sure she's not doing it on purpose and I think she doesn't understand that the wording she used and uses towards me is not something you say to person you want to see the next day. I offered a talk in person to simply make it straight so we don't fight next time we meet somewhere. She finally told me that she has Asperger's Syndrome and she is slightly different. There was a lot more nuances but these were already mentioned by others. What you basically deal with is someone very charming, intelligent, talented, whom you think you can do something with but you can't cause interaction with that person makes absolutely no sense. I had it easy cause I listened to my gut and watched out for red flags so probably by cutting her off early I avoided long term confusing nonsense which would just hurt me and waste my time.


Over it
5:51 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

Just curious, is anyone else's spouse a total energy drain?? Like they just cannot be happy for anything? Or they refuse to look at the bright side of things or refuse to make their situation better? Being with my aspie is like dragging around a 240lbs weight. There's no excitement with this man. Everything is him drum, poor me attitude.


Alex
4:41 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

Thanks for this site, it’s really helpful to hear your stories, I don’t feel so alone. My last year has been all about an emotional rollercoaster, with an anxiety out of range, fear, confusion, loneliness, high peaks of happiness and hormone rush to the brain, always always followed by the deepest despair or confusion. Now I know what has happened. I found one year ago what I thought was may soulmate. This wonderful person with an amazing connection and totally crazy about me. She came for me, and I was on a dream. But there was already confusion since the beginning, she said she felt something very intense and unknown for me, that couldn’t really identify, and was not sure about getting into a relationship because his previous attempts failed and people got hurt. Here was my way out, she told me. But no, I ignored it. Big mistake. Since she was clearly after me, with total and constant full attention and always talking about our special connection, I thought that of course she was feeling love. She was a little naïve and I was just dying for her. It was a dream come true. So I went ahead. After all she was so intelligent, sensible, sweet and caring… I’m myself an extremely sensitive person, so I thought I could understand her somehow. To resume this full drama. Hots and colds constantly. High peaks and drowning valleys. Confusion, never being sure of what she wanted, what would be the mood of the day. One great day was always followed by three days out or in bad mood. Very few physical contact or sex, and quite strange. Very childish, like a teenager. Tons of insecurities. One day would declare that wanted to be with me, then left, then came back, then left. Quite randomly for me. Then said that was not sure about going further with me and that needed time to think. But kept sending romantic texts and voice messages night and day. We were always together, really like a couple but without sex. In fact everyone just assumed that we were couple. But with the hot and colds, me afraid of her changes, moods, disregards, changing plans in the last second… never knew if she was going to be sweet or not. I was always letting my needs apart not to overwhelm her. Everything out of his control overwhelmed her. Even the silliest things. Many times, she was so nice and charming and then would say something really painful. I couldn’t understand it. But we also had those long and amazing conversations that i absolutely loved about shared interests. And when she had serious issues I was completely by her side, and when I had a major issue she disappeared. She said that felt that was supporting me by giving me space. I told her that wanted to be with her, but never replied. And she was also frustrated about it, I think she never understood me and had the real feeling that was supporting me. Really sad. The feeling of loneliness and anxiety has been constant. I have also felt fear and being completely exposed, without any kind of protection. And yet she so lost and vulnerable that I could not just send her away. I gave her my best, helped her in every possible way, but many times she refused what seemed a logical and easy solution for something. Just learned to leave her alone, giving space and silence. I felt so lonely. I was always expecting her to run into my arms and kiss me again. But it never happened. When I asked her directly what those messages and attitudes meant, because I was confused, she said that nothing, that wanted nothing intimate with me. That was just being nice because she felt that had to be nice to me, not to hurt me. But it was always together and constantly texting sweet messages and making me feel very special, talking about our connection… and me taking care of her in a way that no one could ever imagine. She killed me and let me super confused. You don’t text, say and do those things to someone that you just left if don’t want anything else, and for that long. Now she has met someone new and I am out. I know its the best that could happen to me, but I am absolutely broken-hearted. One day, some weeks ago, the thought came to me, she is ASP! And started to read about it. Before I only knew the clichés about it. Now I’m trying to get out of this addiction to her that still have. Crave to death for her sweet messages, long talks and time together. I also have professional contact with her and its quite a nightmare because she is not aware at all of my pain being close to her, so doesn’t take care. So people around, if you are wondering if to start a relationship with an ASP, please, don’t do that. Don’t. You cant see the whole picture in the beginning. There is no possibility of a happy ending. Just loneliness for you, frustration for everyone and a broken heart. They can be wonderful people, but its an adult intelligence in a non existent emotional development, they live in a flow of mixed emotions that cant recognise and are absolutely overwhelmed by it. They are overwhelmed by just any sensorial input. They don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want and don’t know who they are. You, you are not even in the picture, its just not possible, there is no picture, there is no frame. Just colours. I imagine that it is like looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing only the colours without the shape. But they will try to fit in over and over, and have great social mask, develop amazing skills just to be like anyone else. Because they desperately want to fit in a world that just don’t understand. And are ashamed to admit it and live in a world of panic, frustration, extreme anxiety, anger, meltdowns... To me its been a trip to loneliness, sadness, frustration and a broken heart that I have to deal with now. Because I still love her, and miss her a lot, even if I know that is just not possible at all, and that I have been mistreated, unintentionally but mistreated. And all I want is this feelings for her just to disappear. Just hope that I will be able to get over it, now it seems a mountain to me, but I think there is hope because the extreme anxiety is gone and I am so happy about it. In a way I feel free, seeing other people and my friends again. I’m just very sad with a twist in my guts, a hole in my stomach and pain in my heart. So people, here is a living example of what not to do. Please, don’t go any further with an ASP if you know or suspect, the chance is zero. They are not cute helpless people to be saved with some love and attention. It’s a major issue. No one wins. Ah, and no one will understand what you are really going through when you explain it. So double alone. I have seen the sweetest woman in the world say very cruel things to me in my most vulnerable moment, when I just needed to be hugged, being shouted when I was just trying to be helpful, went from heaven to hell to heaven constantly, died of love, pain and frustration witnessing her pain, frustration, desperate attempts to be there for me, tears, meltdowns. People should know about ASP, i feel so guilty for some distress i caused her when she was just trying to be nice and i kept complaining about her absence. But i didn know how it worked and now i regret so much and its killing me. This impossibility of meeting with the one you love is a curse. So if you decide to go ahead, look for professional advide, its not a joke. Damage is real. All that remains is silence, silence, silence. Sorry for the long message, I needed to explain it somehow.


Nana T.
3:33 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

Hey, everyone. Just wanted to share this. My facebook friend Shanna(also fellow Jehovah's Witness), who lives in Wisconsin, started dating long distance in early 2020, I think, a young Aspergers' gentleman that lives in Florida. They were planning to meet in the summer and possibly plan to get married. They did stuff together over zoom, including letter writing that Jehovah's Witnesses do. For whatever reason it didn't work out, and they broke up back in May. They are still friends over FB. Anyways, this past Saturday, Shanna made a post that was unrelated to the past relationship. She asked 'Is being upront and honest a turn off?', since she has mostly been having trouble finding a mate. And she is an upfront and honest person. I inboxed her later, and we had the below convo. Me: Shan. Just thought about something funny. if you had married Bruce Eric, you might have gotten some exreme 'up front and honest' talks. People with Aspergers are known for bluntness. Lol, ...... Shanna: Yes he was blunt at times Me: Oh really? Shanna: But he has too much confidence in himself. Me: Very interesting. Shanna: He wasn't mean to me just overconfident. Like he makes... and calls himself 'hot man' and 'Bruce is the man'. He's okay-looking, he not that handsome. Me: 'hot man' (laugh emojis). Yeah, he looks alright. Shanna: Yes just alright not hot. Me: Exactly. Shanna: And he thinks he sings good, he was singing during the service meeting on zoom. The elder muted him, and said that he 'sounded like a cat dying'. So, he cannot sing. More convo, I leave out. Shanna: Bruce didn't take it seriously. Bruce thinks he's an artist, singer, and writer. Just wanted to ask, have any of you seen similar behavior in your relationships?


Lincea
3:33 AM
Wed 30th Sep, 2020

I'm in an emotionally tough state right now. When it comes to people in my circle... there is a general understanding of the abusiveness that comes from a person who has Aspergers... but people in general (not on this site) don't really completely understand it. I went to court yesterday for Temporary Custody and Support... I have a world of people that know my character and would willingly stand up for me...I'm calm and I extend Grace ALL OF THE TIME. Even when I really shouldn't. It's like its in my DNA. This is prime ground for an Asperger abuser.... There is no "fighting fair"... your Grace is always seen as a desperate attempt at winning them back... I was actually called the emotional and verbal abuser by his Attorney. I'm so worn out. The False Accusations and Character Defamation is ramping up. I am afraid to be in the same space with him because of his bullying tactics...fear doesn't have to be physical. I literally feel so afraid to be around him. His unpredictability and ability to skew truth into his favor is masterful...and he totally has a false sense of reality... he has been burning his own bridges and I know that truth always comes out... but one issue is, he didn't actually get a formal diagnosis... and now I don't think he will because he has too much at stake through these divorce proceedings. He is calling tons of people to get character references and actually shown his true character by being brash, angry, rude, and just plain awful to some of those who won't stand up for him. The court is ordering the kids to spend every other weekend with him... and they do not want to go. Over the years, we have had a rule that has said he can't have more than one child at a time because he cannot handle it. Now the 3 have to go stay with him... In the meantime, he's trying to get spousal support from me because I make more money than him... I'm working my tail off making ends meet when he dropped me because he felt I was financially sinking us. I just want to stop being hurt by him... and for him to leave me alone.. I almost want to concede and give him whatever he wants and accept the consequences... just in the hope that we can have paperwork drawn up that he can never bother me again and the kids don't have to be forced to see him... they are thirteen... right now they can go see him whenever they want... and they aren't forced to spend the night with him. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I just want to live my life without having an attack at every turn... and ironically turn around and have him be like everything is ok. Literally an hour after the Court Hearing with all of the accusations, he called me like nothing had happened. It is like I'm living in a bad dream... or maybe a nightmare. There are so many mental issues... It's like living in a warped world. But the one thing I have going for me... is the bad dream is going to end (I hope) because I'm breaking free from him. It's just holding on and enduring the craziness until I can move on and not look back. I'm just praying for an end to it all sooner rather than later...


Sarah
8:07 PM
Tue 29th Sep, 2020

@katherine from Aug 12, 2020. Can you explain how you are making your relationship work? I’ve been with this man for 9 years now. I need to know if it’s worth it to get married. Like your husband, he has a lot of odd behavior...but I think he’s overall a good guy. My issue tho is that we run into occasional situations where he does things that are hurtful but he doesn’t get why. Or he will not clean up after himself, and gets so hurt and sad like I’m attacking him when I ask him to help. Overall he’s not “that bad” , is very affectionate and I can see that he has a good heart. I just wonder if with marriage and kids, his lack of cleanliness and inability to understand situations will end up leading to divorce.


Clare
7:12 PM
Tue 29th Sep, 2020

@alina Hi there, I live in Telford u.k. im thinking this site is u.s? The more im reading, the more im thinking I need to run. He seemed obsessed with me for weeks, now all the attention has suddenly disappeared in the last 5 days. This is why I broke up with him the first time and nothing has changed obviously. I'm realising its devastating for my self esteem and my stomach is constantly burning and I'm starting to feel tired all the time and tearful. If I can't handle this already, I've kinda got my answer there, as to whether this is worth carrying on with. Thanks for your advice!


Alina
5:17 PM
Tue 29th Sep, 2020

@clare your AS person sounds exactly like mine...to the point that I wish I knew you so I could ask if they are the same person. He’s 34 I’m 39. He’s slept with a lot of women but no real previous relationship. The hot cold behaviour, the somewhat obvious AS quirks. All I can say is run.


Aussie
8:13 AM
Tue 29th Sep, 2020

ELODIE...a few thoughts....it is good he told you he was feeling criticised. But if he is AS this wont go away just by you tiptoeing around and weighing every word before you speak. That is walking on eggshells and I did that for 35 years. His thinking that noncritical comments were criticism could be that mind blindness thing...or context blindness as recent research is claiming.And what if you actually feel you DO have to *criticise* ie point out something that you wish could be done differently. Part of the walking on eggshells that is so draining is never knowing how to say something like that. When we married he told me about a course he had done and it said that one should approach difficulties ..."when you do such and such, I feel such and such, because..." Well in desperation as my usual nervous attempts to discuss things often failed to prevent sullenness or an outburst...I TRIED his method...probably timidly...and it failed. And I was starting to notice that nonverbal things were triggering him eg if he was about to do some domestic task and I might notice he was for example going to use the wrong item I might reach out to take it from him and say quickly why. He would either hang on childishly or act like he'd been stung in letting go. It was weird. The ONLY thing that might help Imo is an actual diagnosis and HIM to get couselling about his mind or context blindness. But you do NOT need him to be seeing someone who is going to make it all your fault and be urging you to superhuman efforts at empathy and understanding. I'm not saying be callous...just that if anyone tried to make YOU be the one to do all the changing that will be the walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Not sustainable in an intimate relationship. May God help you. Maybe read my advice of Monday 7th September too.


Clare
5:52 AM
Tue 29th Sep, 2020

@mary Thanks for the advice. I will take it very seriously and will be having a very good think over the next few days. Take care everyone


Elodie
9:05 PM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

@Equanimity and @Idem - thank you for your replies. With the masking, I have read about it and so I should know better - and should also believe - that it is definitely masking...but I have this niggle - my partner and I had a big relationship chat a few weeks ago, during which I said I was at the end of the line, emotionally exhausted and couldn't see a way forward. In response he said he felt criticised and this is why he was behaving the way he was (passive aggressive, not hugging, lack of interest in me etc). This was the biggest chat we have had, and the only one where I have said I am close to ending things. We have had many, many other chats about the lack of hugging/compliments/ sharing of information/forgetting things I have shared/the list goes on. It felt that just perhaps, he had indeed felt criticised and that was why he was behaving how he did. Since we had this chat, his behaviour has, as I said. changed for the better. Which makes me wonder - have I got the aspie thing wrong all along and perhaps it is just a case of poor communication between us and him acting in a defensive way. But then I remember the other signs that are all there - very poor executive function, blank stares, lack of social grace, lack of intimacy etc - and I know I cannot continue my life this way. All I am trying to say I guess is that I am teetering between being almost convinced it is ASD and then moments later wondering if I have got it wrong. Equanimity - journalling is a great tool. I have found it so helpful to be able to go back to specific points in time and see that it is the same old issues cropping up. I only wish I had started sooner. Good luck to everyone and let's keep talking on here.


Mary
8:55 PM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

@Clare (Sept 28). I have been where you are; I dated a guy with undiagnosed ASD on-and-off for two years. (I say "undiagnosed" because he would hint at having the condition, then once admitted it, but then recanted and later took great offence if I even brought up the possibility). Like you, I am very sensitive and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is not a healthy relationship for someone like us. Their brains are faulty, and they go in to dark, blank states. When you are dating (not living together), you don't see them day-to-day, and so long silences seem hurtful and very personal. But frankly they just zone out, get depressed and go dark, sleep for days, or get immersed in their special interests. They also have periods of true shutdown (e.g. sleep for 16 hours, especially after an emotionally-charged event, which they cannot process) and weeks or months of burnout (caused by years of trying to fit into normal society). Many of them also struggle with chronic depression and anxiety, which can be crippling even for people without a brain disorder like autism. And for all these reasons, they routinely forget all about you, the outside world, and everything else. And when I say "forget" I really mean we don't even show up on their radar. So all of this is a huge problem when trying to make it work with an ASD person, because as a normal, warm, loving, caring, empathic person, our default is to think of the other person often, reach out and expect reciprocate responses, anticipate their needs, and have a level of attunement. Aspies cannot do ANY of these things (or at least not sustain it, because they can mask at the beginning, but soon have to drop it because it's exhausting for them). Like you, Clare, I was very offended when after 1.5 years of dating, I'd send him text and 3 or 4 days went by without even an acknowledgment. You just don't treat people that you like/love that way -- even strangers can expect common courtesy. But since they are incapable of truly connecting on an emotional level, and since they struggle with these various challenges, it makes it impossible to have a fulfilling relationship. Not merely "difficult" -- downright impossible. Their brains are faulty. And Clare: None of this is clear during the dating phase, but as the married people on the forum will tell you, it shows up soon after moving in or right after the wedding day. As with your guy, my ASD guy was charming, super-intelligent, witty, and we had awesome chemistry. But he was also periodically aloof, distant, uncommunicative, emotionally vacant, insensitive, childish, immature, frustrating, inadvertently hurtful, selfish, callous, and oblivious. My heart breaks that he suffers from this condition, but it's a brain wiring problem that cannot be fixed, and I am not his brain surgeon in any event. So my heartfelt advice is to get out now, before that "love him a bit" feeling you have takes over and you find yourself stuck and on the road to heartbreak. Seriously -- just go.


Equanimity
6:53 PM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

Hi Elodie @elodie The fears and the doubts are with me too as I try to separate after 35 years. They hurt a lot. Just wanted to say that I understand. I am trying to deal with them so they do not prevent me from doing what I need to do to get away from the damage and the loneliness. I have been told to keep a daily journal. That might help with the doubts. I relate to your situation.


Lonelyandsad
6:00 PM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

I've read every single entry here and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Reading these entries gave me the strength to break up with my long term partner, I caved in and now I'm back to feeling exasperated... My partner says they have minor tendencies and never says they do have Aspergers/HFA. It took 8 years for him to even consider he may have tendencies. Yes I'm not a psychologist or a trained professional, but I've known this man for 8+ years; lived with him for 4 of those years. I too get the blank aspie stare and bonus awkward mechanical sex. I empathise it must be a strange world to be someone with aspergers and to be so outnumbered by us. I feel I've missed out on so many experiences. He doesn't drive and I have to plan any sort of trip. He has a habit of railroading and saying I'm the one who doesn't want to go on holiday. He has a million reasons to not do something and is the opposite of spontaneous. He's written letters to me when I broke up with him (twice) and confesses his wrongs but he will never say them verbally to me. Just a couple of notes from these letters he's said he feels like living in a " a glass prison viewing life in an objective manner" " throughout our 8 years I have often appeared cold, for this I apologise I don't always know how to act" "I try to suppress my emotions as I don't always know how to act" "When I'm stressed I'm unable to express myself correctly putting a vicious cycle in motion where because my words are misinterpreted due to my own ambiguity in communication" His father evidently has it although I don't see his family often. Does anyone relate to being around more than 1 person with aspergers/HFA. I feel odd and muted to be surrounded by people who know every single thing there is to know about any topic in the world. It's not fun just so very formal and I feel so uncomfortable. The reason why I've decided to make an entry myself. The other night I woke up with horrendous knee pain and had to hobble to the bathroom and he never helped. He looked annoyed that I woke him up. I made it to the bathroom and felt very faint/sick and he had the nerve to say I'm being dramatic.. He doesn't know how to respond when I'm physically in pain so how can he understand my emotional pain?? He's done thus before when I had my first UTI and felt like I was dying and was more concerned about the dinner I was cooking.. Sorry for the rambles but this is my life forever most likely.


Idem
3:08 PM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

Elodie@. "My partner has made a massive effort over the last few weeks to be more cheery and helpful and happy but it feels masked and fake and I can't trust it." I have noticed it with Aspie- under pressure from partners/counselling they try to change but it is forced and it takes lots of their energy so it will never last for long. You can remind him every time his mask drops .....but after while it is getting tiring and lots NT just give up. Their brains are wired differently and it can't be changed.They socialise, interact, think differently.


putting the pieces together
1:52 PM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

Ican't explain how thankful I am for this website and for all your testimonials... I had a difficult childhood, emotionally... All my emotional needs were supposedly fulfilled, but I've finally realised that those needs were defined by my mother and limited to the bare minimum. She repeated endlessly, to me and the rest of the world, how I didn't want (!!!) kisses and hugs... The repetition ingrained it in my mind but the heart knew differently, and this cognitive dissonance slowly tore me apart. By the time of adolescence the lack of love, interest and understanding led me to such depths of depression that the pain was physical. I spent every day on my windowsill looking for the courage to end it. A yearof thisconstant pain culminated in a confession to my mother (who hadn't noticedanything!)... I told her I wanted to kill myself, that I couldn't take another day... And she continued with her life, never to ask me how I was, never telling me she loved me, never a touch. I know she's an emotionless being, but... The indifference, the rejection was unbearable. Only God knows how I am still here, thriving... Figured out she's as by clashing with my brother's lack of empathy and use of me and my hospitality as a commodity, and researching his obsessions and mannerism i finally unlocked the truth... I am slowly unpackaging my life, understanding what in the past was mine and what was imposed on me in order to fit into my mother's limited parenting abilities... And trying to understand her, so I can maybe love her. I know God has blessed me and here I am ranting about my first world problems... But the emotional pain is real and sometimes oppressive.


clare
4:54 AM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

hello everyone, Im an N.T whos been dating someone with high functioning autism for around 6 months now. I broke up with him after 3 months because at the time I didnt know he was autistic and I couldn't understand his hot and cold behaviour and thought he was messing me around. I gave him anotherunchance and started seeing him again around 6 weeks ago. I asked him igmf he was autistic and he finally admitted it and opened up about it and things were so much better. I told myself not to expect too much of him. Trouble is, after having our best couple of weeks ever, he's gone silent on me again like before. I've not heard from him for a few days and he's ignored a couple of messages. This has happened before and when we got back together and I brought up how this makes me feel, it was like he was genuinely sorry, but actually didn't understand how this would have made me feel. He's 34, im 39, and he says he's not had a proper relationship (I can see why) but he's slept around alot, which concerns me obviously (I've been tested and am clear) can anyone whos got more experience of being in a relationship with an autistic/aspergers man give me any advice on how I should communicate with him how I feel, or if I should discontinue to pursue the relationship. I like him alot, probably even love him a bit, but im a very sensitive empathic person who is prone to depression and anxiety and im worried this disregard from him over time might be too much for me. He is a very nice person though by the way. Very confident, bit of a show off, but very nice and we have alot in common.


Elodie
2:21 AM
Mon 28th Sep, 2020

Rache I could so relate to your words and your story. I am in a 6 year relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. He has moments of being so 'normal' that I have often doubted myself and my diagnosis of him as a high functioning autistic. In my more desperate and weaker moments, I need to remind myself of the standout moments that are so clearly aspergers. I have been journalling for over a year and looking back at the entries keeps me a bit sane and helps me remember that these things really happened. I have never felt so alone in a relationship. We have two kids under 4. I look to him sometimes to share in a moment of madness of having young kids and he just has the blank aspie stare, there is nothing going on for him. I always felt having kids would be a shared experience with someone I loved but it has been such a solo journey. All of the planning, caring, thinking about what needs to be done sits with me - and to some extent, I am ok with this. It is the lack of camaraderie, the lack of being 'in it together' that is killing me day by day. I am coming to a decision to leave. The aspie 'thing' clicked into place for me a couple of months ago. I can only describe it as a moment of euphoria closely followed by despair and fear. Fear of not actually being able to get out, fear of staying for the sake of the family unit. My mind has been full of it since then and I am still not 100% sure I am doing the right thing. I have so many moments of doubting myself. We have been doing couples counselling for a few weeks and while that is helping with delving into past issues it doesn't give me any assurance that things will change in the future. My partner has made a massive effort over the last few weeks to be more cheery and helpful and happy but it feels masked and fake and I can't trust it. I am so unsure that I am doing the right thing by leaving as I am so worried I've got the whole aspie thing wrong but there are just too many things that ring true. If I am honest, my emotional needs have never been met by my partner and I was just always hopeful that over time it would improve. I send love to everyone out there suffering because it can be a very lonely journey as it seems to be so hard to convey to those who don't have any experience of it. This forum has been a bit of a lifesaver for me.


Rache
5:18 PM
Sun 27th Sep, 2020

@overit you're not alone my love. I think we have a very similar experience and thanks for taking the time to write yours out. My partner has all these traits but had so much skill and social conversation ability, hes super clever but just doesnt know how to channel any of it into a positive career or action round the house. I too do all the 'man jobs' I hate it and love it in equal measure haha. I have just hired a strimmer to do our garden after asking him just too many times. Hes not confident in my abilities to use it but when I said 'if you had done it months ago I wouldn't have to' and he came up with a list of excuses and ask me provide the dates so he could give me a good reason why he couldnt do it that time. He then fell out with me. How can this be reasonable or why should I be expectedto deal with this behaviour day in day out? I cannot watch what I'm saying anymore I'm sick of tip toeing too and fearful of his unpredictable moods. Does anyone know if theres a group on facebook to chat about our experiences? I posted just there, I'm getting out I've had enough too x


Rache
5:03 PM
Sun 27th Sep, 2020

Hi everyone I just want you all to know how much you have helped me. Finding this page validated me after 13 years. For the last few months I kept pushing to save our marriage and I read the research testimonials from the 2016 survey. Kept seeing 20 years, 30 years and still no change. But he is a lovely person, doesnt mean to do these things but he checked almost every box in the way he treats me.I have the power to choose when this ends. I left the therapy ball in his court to save our marriage and he hasn't initiated anything. I'm going to leave and I feel sick writing this out, it's like I'm stepping off a cliff but I know that the unknown will be better than what I've been putting up with the last 13 years. Love to you all and anyone from the uk who can advise on how to not freak out and navigate marriage law feel free to message. Starting at the citizen advice page xx


Aspies Suck
1:06 PM
Sat 26th Sep, 2020

@Idem and @Lydia: Yes, it isn't enough that we mistakenly get involved with Aspies. They also cause trauma in the workplace through their offensive and abusive behaviour. Aspies never care about the impact they have on others. They are quick to point to a single famous Aspie who is gifted and, through their so-called "logic", arrogantly conclude that all Aspies are gifted. Often the famous person is long dead, such as Einstein or Mozart, and it is impossible to confirm. Conveniently, it doesn't occur to them that even if an Aspie is gifted and successful, it may be in spite of their disability, not because of it.


Over it
10:26 AM
Sat 26th Sep, 2020

Hi 15 Year Itch- It's hard isn't it?? I've been with my Aspie for 15 years and I totally understand your frustration! My husband and I tried counselling but I swear marriage counselors don't understand the NTs point of view! Our therapist kept talking to ME about Empathy. As if that isn't the only thing that has kept me in this awful marriage! I'm completely empathied out! I think therapists are so focused and educated in the world of compromise, empathy, and communication that they have very limited ability to truly have an effect on a marriage where one partner neurologically cannot do those things nor will ever fully be able to. So, they place the responsibility on the shoulders of the nerotypical spouse. The last thing we need is even MORE responsibility. I stopped seeing our marriage therapist with my spouse and I made it that we see him individually. I prefer it that way. My spouse needs one on one help like most people with disabilities do. I need one on one help because I deserve my own voice without judgement and without my aspie playing the "poor misunderstood spouse" in the room.


Vicky
9:39 AM
Sat 26th Sep, 2020

15 year itch - It has been 4 months since I ended my 15 year marriage (21 years total) and he thought he might have some type of autism but wouldn’t agree to testing. I can tell you despite my specific case that all my research shows you will have to do the heavy lifting and have very low expectations on getting anything in return. The sex issue will always be there so despite you working on the relationship that won’t change. My problem was the lack of naturalness that comes with interacting and the constant pulling teeth to get a decision or having a back and forth normal conversation. I knew it was over for me when just the thought of another discussion about his absence, lack of communication, no initiative on sex or quality time made my skin crawl or my insides shake with agitation and disgust. Only you can decide if this is something you want to keep doing and if it is due to the fear of the unknown, finances or children then accepting is an option. Utilize the therapy for yourself in order to cope if you choose to stay. I am so happy and feel genuine joy everyday now, I feel peace.


15 year itch
4:32 AM
Sat 26th Sep, 2020

Hey everyone:) Just looking for some insoght/support/shared experience. My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. I always suspected he was on the spectrum, and asked him repeatedly to get assessed. He flat out refused and ignored my requests until our marriage counselor suggested it, because after our 3rd round, we weren't making any progress, and I was ready to leave. He took the test. Scored highly, and now we're waiting for a formal diagnosis. I found a therapist who specializes in NT-ASD relationships and we start next week, but I just don't know if things will improve...and I have a feeling things really wont change all that much for me. I'll still be the caretaker/manager that I've always been with him...and the sex is brutal!! He's got ED, porn addiction, and we once went 3 years without because I was tired of initiating all the time, and I wanted to see how long he could wait..he won. And when he does initiate there is zero consideration for my feelings (absolutely no foreplay for me), and then he doesn't even finish!! Which I find even more insulting. Apart from this, he just flat out shuts down at the slightest whiff of conflict. So nothing ever really gets resolved unless I decide the outcome. I feel like I will be in this cyclical hell of constantly prompting him, and micro management and I just don't know if I'm ok with that. Went off on a bit if a rant there...but has anyone had success with AS/NT couples therapy, and how much did you, the NT have to adjust your expectations? Do you feel like you are the one making all the accommodations? Are you happier now? I just don't know if it's worth all the trouble I'm investing. Love sometimes just isn't enough you know?


Sad and lonely
8:27 AM
Fri 25th Sep, 2020

I have been married to who I think could be an Aspie and I just had this realization the past two weeks. We got married 8mo after we met and are almost into our third year of marriage and I have been so sad, lonely, and miserable constantly arguing semantics and being told “I needed to go take an English class because I didn’t understand the English language”. All of your stories are blowing my mind. Thank you for sharing. I have lost a sense of who I am and definitely have become extremely insecure over the last 4 years. I guess therapy/counseling is the first step for me? My husband has no idea I think this, and would absolutely argue to the death and be offended if I ever brought this up. I obviously need some healing and understanding before I try to talk to him about anything at all.


Heinrich
12:18 PM
Thu 24th Sep, 2020

Thank you, Whitney. I have some friends who call themselves “autistic”. What they mean is that they are a little bit quirky and shy. But they are not autistic. They are highly sensible and highly empathic. Autistic people are not. Since I met an autistic person, I don’t like that people use it about themselves or anyone who is kind but a little bit shy and a little bit unique. Because that was what I thought autism was when I met the guy who masked me into a heartbreak. Autism is not quirkiness. It is just devastating to fall for an autistic. Had I known what autism is, I would have ended the ride of horror at the very beginning.


Whitney
9:54 AM
Thu 24th Sep, 2020

There's a trend of socially awkward NT people self diagnosing themselves as having ASD when they don't have it. Just because you're reserved, prefer more alone time than most people, or might not have the best social skills doesn't mean you're aspie. Even a high functioning aspie is far more disabled than the most socially awkward NT person. In fact, some NT people that I've met that may not have the best social skills and are awkward, shy, etc. make it up for it by being caring people, charming, sweet, interesting, good listeners even if they don't like to talk that much, etc. I can't say the same thing about any of the Aspies I've met, sorry to say. There's a huge difference between being socially awkward and socially disabled. I can hang out with a socially awkward person and look past their faults and have a good time and even enjoy their company, it's sometimes refreshing to be honest because they're unique. If I have to hang out with even a high functioning Aspie I will be extremely stressed out because I can't take the way they behave. They're also unique... just not in a pleasant way.


Bridgette
8:08 AM
Thu 24th Sep, 2020

Hi, Mouse. I believe my dad is an undiagnosed Aspie. I always described him as an odd duck. This is just one example but when we were kids, my sisters and I, my dad had this thing where we HAD to poor the ketchup, in glass bottles in the 70's, at an angle. I realize this sounds like he was just trying to teach us but he was so strict about it. He would get upset about it. It was like a crazy focus of his. So the simple act of pouring ketchup became a stressful event. That's all I'll post right now. I will say this, I don't think a diagnosis much matters because when someone is causing stress on another a diagnosis doesn't help. If there was a name to why my father behaved as he did and does, it wouldn't have made it easier.


Mouse
8:47 PM
Wed 23rd Sep, 2020

I'm NT, and have a NT child, with an AS father, and divorced him years ago. To those of u who wrote about having an AS parent, i'm very grateful. I have only resently found out, that he might be on the spectrum, but has always senced, that keeping the contact between them sporadic, was better for him (my kid). Intuitively i senced, that his father could keep the ‘good’ mask on for max 2 days, so have tried, to keep them from being together for longer than that time. I also intuitively senced, that a good way for them to be together, was if they had some specific activity to do together. Just being together does'nt really work. Whenever they have spend time together, and there has also been other NT people around, he (my kid) will return home in a much better state, than if they were just the two of them together. I hope i have managed to take care of him good enough for him, to not suffer to much emotionally as an adult. Having had just one single autistic parent, really must be very painfull. When i was with his father, i remember feeling completely blank at times. In the end, pretty much all the time. Like all my emotions were painfully frozen. Very painfull, and unexplainable to myself, untill i learned about AS, and the effect people with AS, have on their significant NT others. I try to support him (my kid) the best i can, and love him unconditionally, to make up for the guilt trips, and other hurtfull stuff his father will put on him. It’s been very hard at times, cause I was seriously depressed, and without much emotional support. But he's a great kid, and i respect him a lot. Having a parent like that, is really not easy. If anything positive has to come of it, i'd say we both developed a very black sense of humour, and learned not to spend to much energy on stuff that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense right away, and is painful to think about. I try to keep his life as normal as possible, and hope some day, to be able to explain all the weird stuff to him as an adult. As he's growing up, it gets easier to talk about. When he was younger it was really horrible. He would act out in a disturbing way, when returning home after spending time with his father, and i had no way to make sense of his behavior. Not sure, if knowing about what was going on then, would have been easier, as it would have had no consequences. Having AS, doesn't limit anybodys rights as a parent, or bring any special attention to their parenting skills. To my knowledge at least. So sticking it out, was maybe the best option. Hopefully that can change. So thanx again for this site!! And I think there is always hope, as long as you don't give up! I was seriously depressed, and thought life would never be worth living again. It took a couple of years to get out of the hellish feeling, but it’s possible, and will hopefully not take years if u know what happened to you. It is worth the struggle! Hang in there<3! And seek all the help u can…vitamins, minerals, acupuncture, yoga, Netflix, good people, distractions, whatever works for u, to get ur system calmed down and back to balance…


Idem
3:42 PM
Wed 23rd Sep, 2020

>>>>>This woman never worked before her divorce, and seemed sweet, so I helped her get an office job where I worked at the time;>>>> Lydia- it is a lesson for life don't help/recommend someone to get a job in your Company if you don't know this person very well. It appears that she put off quite a few people and they left. It happened to me too. I was in a team of 4 ( 2 Aspies) and I left after 10 months. I found it quite unbearable. This complete self-centred attitude, rudeness, no ability to see your point of view, ,inflexibility, lack of social skills, awful communication skills, putting me permanently down...... one person was permanently anxious it is quite draining for other people.There is no 1 positive thing I could say about them. I find it quite annoying these different actions in press, internet - telling us that we should help people with autism, integrate them- I think April was autism month. Why integrate? to make life of other people to be permanent misery. You never know what triggers them ( life, noise......) and when.I don't think they are even interested in integrations. I am not nasty or vicious or difficult person and I get on well with people in general but after this experience at my work - I lost all my sympathy and understanding for Aspies- I can't stand them and I will avoid them as much as I can.


Lydia
2:14 AM
Wed 23rd Sep, 2020

Thank you so very much for this site! I wrote over 1-year ago about a man I had been in a relationship with, that was diagnosed with Aspergers. Anyway, he is only part of my past and I don’t want to talk about him much. I just want to mention the fact again that he always talked about how good looking he was and how high of an IQ he had. This leads me to another person, whom I highly suspect has Aspergers as well. Let’s call her Karen. When I met Karen, she had just recently divorced a guy who was emotionally unavailable, and had been diagnosed with AS through one of the specialists that sees her sons. She has 2 sons with Autism. This woman never worked before her divorce, and seemed sweet, so I helped her get an office job where I worked at the time; I soon regretted it! As time went on I found Karen had been diagnosed with OCD, and had rapid meltdowns if she wasn’t in control of organizing files, and every little nitty gritty details wasn’t done to her exact specifications with others work. Karen was extremely invasive on other peoples work, and didn’t seem to get why it was rude to go through their files and such after hours when they weren’t around. There was several instances when someone in another office had something happen to them, like they started cancer treatment and she noticed that they weren’t being as responsive to the emails she sent to them, then she’d bug them for days on end with dozens of calls and emails asking why they weren’t responding as quickly until suddenly the person gave in and would say something along the line of “I don’t want many people to know, but I have cancer and have just began treatment, so that’s why I’m not as attentive right now; only my boss knows. Please keep it to yourself”. What did Karen do, right after that phone conversation, she wrote and email to everyone in the office, letting them know that this individual had cancer and may not respond to emails as quickly for a while, because of intense treatment they are now getting. Since I worked in an HR role, I often knew inside things at the organization and would come to speak with Karen after such incidence like this and would tell her “so-and-so wanted to keep her cancer diagnosis under the radar of everyone at work. Why did you send that email Karen?” Then Karen would respond, “I know she did say that she didn’t want most people to know, but if it were me, I would not want people to worry just because I wasn’t as responsive, and let them know why”. Everything with Karen was from her perspective, she didn’t seem to have the capacity to see beyond it. On top of all of this, the office Karen worked in was a very relaxed environment, but Karen raised the stress level insanely with her anxiety; she was losing a lot of her hair, because the doctor even told her it was anxiety. Any little bit of responsibility that was set on her sent her sky-high, into having an anxiety attack; when you talked with Karen though, she would tell you “I am not an anxious person”. Karen would also talk, just like the aspie I dated, about how good looking she was and how she had the sexiest legs. Also, like the guy I dated, she would get on the phone with clients at work and boast about her super high IQ, of which I heard her actually doing on a phone call one time; she said to the client “I have a super high IQ of 89, so that puts me about 89% of people on intelligence, and the website is complex for me, so imagine how it is to the majority of the world”. In addition to this behavior Karen drove other workers in the office nuts, because she would not stop talking to herself constantly, and would often repeat random sentences and words that others in the office said, when they were not talking with her. I came to help another employee one day with a question regarding their benefits, and Karen was mumbling to herself in the background not too far from this employee. The employee said, as we were talking, “that’s very peculiar”, and then Karen all of the sudden raised the volume of her voice and repeated the word “peculiar” 5 times rapidly, while staring off into space at her screen and typing, before going back to low-pitched mumbling; I was told by others that she did this constantly. The new male employee whom I was helping seemed weirded out at that point, and didn’t stay in that role long. Other employees were nice and tried to work with Karen, but it never lasted long and was hurting retention, because they just couldn’t stand her for long. My boss saw this, and even offered bonuses to people leaving, because he knew no-one would work with her, but he had a soft heart and couldn’t help but appreciate her work-ethic in what many would consider a more entry-level office role. Karen would show up to work in a suit every day, even though it was very casual organization, where no outside clients usually saw you. I think Karen the business though, and I myself have since moved on, but am pretty sure Karen is still there. I truly regretted ever helping her to get that position, but she never would’ve lasted anywhere else, as she is truly a very inefficient worker too, even though she had a strong work ethic. She just needed to have her fingers in everything, she always thought she was right, even though a good portion of the time she had no-idea what she was talking about. Karen was very open about being a person who looks for ways to work harder, and not smarter. Karen was horrible with math, and would get on the phone with clients and often receipt this whole thing that she knew nothing about how a business is rung, and has the worst business sense, but that the company had hired her on empathy along, so they can rest assured that she only cares about you (the client), and not the business. Other co-workers and myself would try to please stop telling clients about her horrible business sense, but she continued. Karen did have empathy when I first met her, but then I found her to be very selectively empathetic, if you were someone that was nice to her and that she had regular contact with Karen would often be downright rude, but if you were mean to Karen and treated her like crap, or were a client whom she never met but over the phone, Karen would go above and beyond. This is one symptom that I noticed, as we had an employee who was very abusive and mean to Karen, physically pushing her and cursing at her. I was involved in some disciplinary action we had to give to inflict on this abusive employee for her behavior to Karen, along with several other issues like poor attendance, and who was this employees greatest defender….none other than Karen. Karen worshiped this other abusive employee, even though she was mean to Karen and openly expressed distain for Karen. Finally, Karen did seem to have a special interest and that was Walmart. Nearly every time someone was looking to purchase something, or mentioned grocery shopping Walmart was the answer to everything, and the most perfect magical place in the world; it seemed like Disney-land to her when she talked about Walmart. Karen also became obviously cold to another worker when the employee announced that she was expecting her first grandchild, and told this woman straight-up that she didn’t want to hear about it, as it makes her so depressed, since she knows her grown autistic sons will never produce grandchildren. Then when this woman’s grand-baby was born, Karen revealed that her other huge interest was breast feeding, and would not get off this other employee’s back about letting her speak to her daughter, whom Karen had never met, to help coach her in breast-feeding. It seemed very hypocritical of Karen, and really got on this other employee’s nerves. Even though Karen had only been diagnosed with OCD, much of her behavior could only make sense when I looked at people I had known who were on the spectrum; I truly feel there was a reason why both of her children were autistic; her and her ex-husband both had it, not just her husband.


Hope
12:26 AM
Wed 23rd Sep, 2020

@Over It.....I can sense your frustration. Aspies come in all different shapes and sizes though. My ex-boyfriend, who had been diagnosed with AS many years ago, was good at being a bicycle mechanic and that was about it. He really had very few talents, and a growing hoarding issue, but no job and no ability to think about/plan for the future. He had no ability to see the perspective of people, like me, who work, and would get overly sensitive when others were too busy because of work, and couldn't respond right away, etc. But, like I said he was a talented bicycle mechanic, but would only use that gift on casual acquaintances, strangers, and himself; with family and myself, he wouldn't lift a finger though. He always offered to fix my bicycle, that I ride competitively for exercise on a regular basis, but then wouldn't do a thing, and after weeks of asking, I'd try to take it and he would guilt trip me with something along the lines of, "it will hurt me greatly if you take it to another mechanic to have it fixed, because I care so much". I've sensed this behavior in other testimonies; aspies realize that being helpful to strangers/casual acquaintances in the community will gain them general acceptance and praise that they are looking for, but once you are in a committed relationship with them they completely stop being helpful, because helping out is like flexing a muscle to them and they can only do it so much. They fail to see that committed relationships should be the most valued, and also take work and nurturing; they don't just last for nothing.


Laura
10:48 PM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

@Dave, this behavior is very characteristic for the moment when the aspies are conquered, since they're euphoric in completing their wish list (example: having a girlfriend, although they have no idea how to sustain it in the long term). It's usually one of the only times when they dedicate energy and effort to achieve what they want: a new interest / object / person. It's the moment, perhaps the only one, that is extremely pleasant and corresponds to everything you expect in a person. It's incredible and extremely pleasurable, but attention! My two-year relationship started like this and I got into the game: I thought I was an amazing, kind, polite, hardworking man like no other man. In the end, it all ended a year later when I was no longer his special interest (They determine how long the interest lasts, not you). After the conquest, these efforts reduce to zero in an almost drastic way (in most cases that I know and in my own case). The problem with playing this game, whether or not you are aware of the result, is that we feel discarded anyway in the end. Over time, we want the same things from the beginning and never, even demanding/pressing, but we will never have them again. It's the biggest frustration in the world and the feeling of discard is intense, irreparable. Everything seems to have been a trap and mistakes to imprison us in life that they never presented to us. If I could go back to the past and know what Asperger was, I'd have left and never made room for that person in my life. He destroyed everything and left without any consequences. He has a great life, unaware of his condition, while I'm in therapy trying to reconstruct the entire two-year life he stole. If you love yourself, if you want these intentions to be true of a man, I don't know if this guy is for you. Assess well how much he's willing and, mainly, aware of his conditions to be able to choose to follow or abandon immediately. Your emotions matter and shouldn't be held hostage by any game, an aspie or not.


Nana T.
9:52 PM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

@OverIt. Whoa, it sounds like your husband may be almost a classic autistic(so, possibly with low IQ as well).


Shannon
8:40 PM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

Dear, dear Overit. No, you are not the only one living like this. I can relate to much of your story, but in a milder way. Your spouse sounds eceptionally lame. Together since 16 and now 31? I beg you to find a way out. You were children when you got together and now you are clearly not suited. He sounds like a child. You sound so bright and lovely. You are still so young. Please, for you and your kids, try to find a way out of this horrible excuse for a marriage. I can't write more now but will try to come back to this later. My heart goes out to you. Love and hugs.


Idem
5:31 PM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

@Over.it. I was just thinking what attracted you to your husband in the beginning? Putting aside all Aspie traits - It appears to me that you are not compatible at all.


Laurie
11:41 AM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

As I said before, I went mute 12 years ago in my marriage and husband and his family have not noticed. He just wants his next meal so I put "slop" in front of him and do the other house hold chores. No sex, touch, conversation, and he is quite self satisfied. Workaholic and then watches TV and social media into wee hours. My dignity and humanity are gone. I can't make sense of my life. Never seen a more content person with him. Yet he is a bungling idiot.


Laurie
11:31 AM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

How do I get help for the pain and gutted feeling? I feel eviscerated! I don't know what to do with the constant pain of my marriage. I myself feel insane and question my very sanity. I hurt on a cellular level. I have a plan to leave down the road but have a teaching contract to fulfill for now. Can't describe the emotional pain. Is there any hope?


Nana T
10:29 AM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

Hey, everyone. Just wanted to share this. My facebook friend Shanna(also fellow Jehovah's Witness), who lives in Wisconsin, started dating long distance in early 2020, I think, a young Aspergers' gentleman that lives in Florida. They were planning to meet in the summer and possibly plan to get married. They did stuff together over zoom, including letter writing that Jehovah's Witnesses do. For whatever reason it didn't work out, and they broke up back in May. They are still friends over FB. Anyways, this past Saturday, Shanna made a post that was unrelated to the past relationship. She asked 'Is being upront and honest a turn off?', since she has mostly been having trouble finding a mate. And she is an upfront and honest person. I inboxed her later, and we had this convo. Me: Shan. Just thought about something funny. if you had married Bruce Eric, you might have gotten some exreme 'up front and honest' talks. People with Aspergers are known for bluntness. Lol, ...... Shanna: Yes he was blunt at times Me: Oh really? Shanna: But he has too much confidence in himself. Me: Very interesting. Shanna: He wasn't mean to me just overconfident. Like he makes... and calls himself 'hot man' and 'Bruce is the man'. He's okay-looking, he not that handsome. Me: 'hot man' (laugh emojis). Yeah, he looks alright. Shanna: Yes just alright not hot. Me: Exactly. Shanna: And he thinks he sings good, he was singing during the service meeting on zoom. The elder muted him, and said that he 'sounded like a cat dying'. So, he cannot sing. More convo, I leave out. Shanna: Bruce didn't take it seriously. Bruce thinks he's an artist, singer, and writer. Just wanted to ask, have any of you seen similar behavior in your relationships? Shanna


Over It.
8:40 AM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

Is there anyone else out there with a significant other who is terrible at EVERYTHING?! I always read and hear about the one or two incredible "gifts" aspies have or I'm reading about how lousy they are at home but how great thet are at their jobs. Usually it's a very skilled job like an Engineer, Doctor, or some other well respected employment. I would give ANYTHING for my husband to be gifted at something. Heck, even mediocre at something. He breaks, messes up and loses absolutely everything he puts his hands on. He works in a manufacturing plant and I've noticed his co-workers in his particular department are more simple minded, lazy, or just don't care to move up in life. I hate to say it, but I'm embarrassed. He comes across so simple. I've been with him since I was 16 and we are 31 now. The older I get the further behind he seems to fall. He has zero friends. I have a healthy social life but he just stands there awkwardly while I keep conversation with other people. Because of this, we have zero couple friends. It's so lonely for me. I'm always making up for his short comings. Things I'm tired of: - His defensiveness. He plays the victim like no one I've ever seen. Nothing is his fault and everyone else has the problem. - He makes ZERO sense but thinks and says he's so "logical". Sometimes after a fight I litterally have no idea what he was talking about the entire time. He comes across very delusional. - OBSESSED with movies, books, TV, and phone games. He cannot function without being stimulated by electronics or fantasy. He can't ride in the car and look out the window, he can't appreciate anything that's REAL and going on around him. He takes no delight in living in the real world. If there's a TV on in a room, it's like everything stops and he HAS to watch for at least a moment. It's quite bazaar to witness actually. - He has a problem with staring at women. He will stare at anyone but it's mostly women. Yes, porn has been an issue. I've tried to teach him, like a child, how to quickly glance your eyes at people and things but he cannot or will not do that. Of course he insists he is not checking anyone out. I WATCH him stare at people! He also has no awareness for personal space so standing too close to someone or invading the personal space of anyone is an issue with him too. - He has NO depth perception. He's a HORRIBLE driver!!! He's totalled many cars. He doesn't know when to begin breaking or speeding up. He stops at green lights and runs red lights and stop signs. Usually he zones out and his brain seems to completely shut off while behind the wheel. Because of this, I drive us everywhere. I drove us to and from the hospital when our kids were born. Yeah, it doesn't embarrass him in the slightest. - His sarcasm. I HATE sarcasm. Mostly because of him. I know he uses it to feel more intelligent but he usually comes across even more simple minded because he's terrible at actually being sarcastic. He LOVES being sarcastic and correcting me in arguments. - Emotional abuse. When he's mean, he's HORRIBLY MEAN. There's no empathy, no conscience, no rules. He's says what he wants. He's out to win and he's out to hurt. I have no idea how someone can be as cruel as he can. When I'm angry, I at least know my limits because I was brought up to be a decent human being. There's no limits for him. The names I've been called over the past 15 years would blow your mind. Every house we've lived in had at least 1 hole in the wall because of him. After pretty much holding his hand and spoon feeding him the most basic human concepts, I get treated like crap when he's mad. - FIFTEEN JOBS! He has gotten let go of every single job he's had. Luckily he's held on to his current one for 3 years now. It's not that he doesn't show up or doesn't work hard, or drugs of any sort he's just terrible at everything. Bosses get fed up with him screwing everything up. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if he had one of these aspie talents that everyone talks about. - Breaks everything. We've spent thousands of dollars replacing and fixing things. Phones, computers, cars, home repairs. There's nothing he won't damage. I get so jealous of my girlfriends who's husband's build, renovate or do beautiful things for their homes. I know I will never have anything really nice unless I do it myself or we hire it done. I'm so tired of doing 'husband stuff' myself. He cuts the grass, amd he'll do small stuff around the house. Any big project gets messed up by him making a very silly and un-needed mistake. I just have to bite my tongue and act like we have the money to fix it. - Social Awkwardness. I could write a book on this. He says he wants friends but does everything that sabatoges a friendship. He's cringworthy when he speaks. He doesn't give enough detail to the listener or he gives way, way too much. He has zero stories. He can only make very simple and minimal small talk. He doesn't laugh at the right time or at all. Everything is very short and monotone. I basically do all couple things alone. I wish so badly I could rest in the presence of a husband who can take control of a social interaction. Just once be able to sit back quietly and be proud of how kind or charming or funny he can be. But he's none of those things around others =( My friends have actually stopped telling me when they have couple get togethers. I'm only invited now when it's just the girls and no husbands. Their husbands just don't seem to enjoy him. Oh goodness...I could go on and on. Am I the only one living a life like THIS?!


Dave
7:51 AM
Tue 22nd Sep, 2020

I'm not sure what to do. My Aspie now seems to be obsessed with me. He said he liked being single and needed his space. Then he saw me on the dating site where we met and started messaging me. We talked for a while then he started texting my cell. Then he sent me 2 presents, shirts. He also said it was all his fault that he stopped talking to me. Now he love bombs me with text messages for long periods of time. I would think he wasn't serious but he is putting a lot of time into the communication. Is this normal for them to sometimes get obsessed? I'm going along with the love bombing but I'm not taking it seriously. Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks!


MaryAnne
4:46 PM
Mon 21st Sep, 2020

Further to an earlier comment regarding the experience of being parented by an (undiagnosed) aspie, this has been my experience - Not seen or heard, not having my feelings/wishes/interests validated/affirmed/mirrored/accepted. not having weight or importance given to my feelings. receiving the message from the parent 'My needs/feelings/wishes/interests are important, but yours aren't'. All of which led to me reaching adulthood with a core belief 'I don't matter. I only matter in so far as I help or serve you'. (Cinderella) This core belief made me the perfect match for a marriage to an aspie (again undiagnosed so we are all fumbling around in the dark for years). I would hazard a guess that many on this site had at least one parent on the spectrum. My heart goes out to you all, and I thank you for sharing your testimonies. At least now we can make sense of our experience, and have our feelings validated.


Nicole
1:09 PM
Mon 21st Sep, 2020

My aspie broke up with me the day after our 1 year anniversary. I text him to let him know a few days prior what I deserved, which was basic human needs like affection and validation. He broke up with me that night. I didn’t answer him after he text me it was done. Three days later he text me apologizing saying that he made a mistake. He eventually told me the long paragraph i text him pissed him off and he acted out of anger. Even though during our break up for those three days he reached out to a girl that has been trying to wedge between us and have had issues with before. He claimed he was lonely and just need an”filler” to talk to because he didn’t have his “ go to” which was insinuating that his go to was me. He wants me back but i have completely makeshift my life for him and all i do Is get tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants or silent treatment for weeks. I don’t know if i can do this again. I love him but i don’t understand his way of thinking. I feel like I’m being used for his needs and his needs only. It’s hard to really trust what he says. I have a lot of thinking to do!


Aspies Suck
11:59 AM
Mon 21st Sep, 2020

For anyone still wondering whether to stay with an Aspie, ask yourself the following question: Does he or she care about you or look after you when you are ill? Probably not. Imagine, heaven forbid, that you are seriously ill or in an accident. Your Aspie partner won't care except if it impacts or inconveniences them. As many posters have said, "It's all about them". Aspie brains don't develop the same way as an NT. When NTs are about 3 or 4 year old they begin to develop empathy. Aspies never do.


Lisa
10:31 AM
Mon 21st Sep, 2020

Hello @ Joe et all. Joe, I am American and I believe that no one could have said it better than you just did. American has a HORRIBLE mental health system. This is my first comment. I am currently dating an Aspie. I think he knows he is on the spectrum and suspects I know. He is not violent but he does display some of the symptoms reported here by others. I'm so grateful for this site. Will post more later. Much love to all


Laura
7:24 AM
Mon 21st Sep, 2020

I'd like a sincere request for help. I left a two-year relationship with an undignified aspie... I have been in therapy for years and this episode I understood as one of the most harmful and fatal that I have entered in my life and I cannot leave. And along with so many personal questions that I've tried to find my answers for years, I feel worse for everything I'm as a person. I consider myself an extremely profound person, endowed with a very delicate and intense sensitivity. I don't know how to live with my sensitivity, I don't know how to apply it in my life and I constantly attract so many situations of pain and abandonment. However, I also have traces of my family with a demand and violent communication that I was never able to resolve. In this relationship with a person who didn't correspond to things, I got millions of times worse. I demanded things of a very high magnitude that even an NT partner can struggle to respond to. And today, thinking like an aspie mentality, I feel like a completely abusive and monstrous ex-partner. That just crossed all the limits of his deficiencies... but all without knowing anything. I didn't know what asperger was.. I couldn't see his feeling, so I thought it was indifference. I'm constantly punishing myself for starting to understand that he had deep feelings for me... the way he did. I noticed him losing interest in me and abandoning me a thousand times. I read stories of happy partners together, in which the boyfriend is struggling for the girlfriend.. and just my story is like most others I read: a disappointment and destruction. I feel like I destroyed that possibility with him. And I also recognize that he was terrible with me, with so many abandonments for not being able to solve things with me and also being absent in empathy when I was making mistakes. I feel like killing myself for reliving this cycle of guilt in all my relationships. With an aspie I found the end of the line and have been going crazy crying for months alone.


Joe
4:09 AM
Mon 21st Sep, 2020

I'm not going to pull any punches here. Aspie behavior is unbearably frustrating to deal with. They have no empathy and don't care about anyone else's needs or feelings at all. It is only about them. They may have adult intelligence but emotionally they are on the level of children. The are extremely entitled and expect everyone else to accommodate their bizarre rituals and behavior and if you refuse to give in you will be met with meltdowns, verbal abuse, and even violence. Someone was asking about what it means when people say Aspies care about justice. All that means is that they hold intense grudges against people for years for what they perceive to be injustices against them yet somehow forget the abusive behavior they have towards others. They are not just disabled in social skills or empathy. Their entire mental functioning is impaired. Many of them should be in group homes but in the U.S. mentally disabled people are instead often either on the street corner begging for money or spouses and family members will be their caretakers for the rest of their life and the lives of the NT people are often ruined because of this due to the U.S. having a horrible mental health system for a first world country.


Jackie
2:54 PM
Sun 20th Sep, 2020

https://www.theneurotypical.com/rage-cycle-in-hfa.html Thank you, this is how my Autistic father abused our family. This is why it's hard to speak about how Autism masks and invalidates childhood PTSD in many people. Everytime I post about it I risk being emotionally abused by Autistic people who try to convince me I am crazy, because they cannot empathize with anyone outside themselves. They will make advocacy to prevent more child abuse under the protection of an Autism, a personal attack upon them. I'm trying the best I can, but their insidious means of controlling through guilt and shame is horrific. It creates a unsafe environment, and everyone must look the other way or else. It is legitimately horrifying to be around someone who out of nowhere will become agitated and rage. It's a faliure of the mental health and psychological community to validate this emotional and sometimes physical violence as a pitiable disorder.


Heinrich
8:52 AM
Sun 20th Sep, 2020

@Samantha Yes, I had the same experience. I did set some boundaries after my Aspie mistreated me. He did realize that it wasn't ok how he treated me. So he used two techniques: he blamed me for feeling bad for mistreating me - so obviously I was the evil one for being hurt over his abusive behaviour - or by taking neutral conversations from before, reinterpreting them to make me look bad. In a totally weird way, honestly.


Samantha
6:33 AM
Sun 20th Sep, 2020

Has anyone noticed that Aspie partners tend to get annoyed about something that is completely unrelated to the actual matter at hand? For example, I sent three text messages to my Aspie ex in a single day. Only one was rude— the third one. I was just a bit pissed like any girlfriend would be that he wouldn’t allow me to come see him on a particular day. He was got pissed off. But tried to guilt trip me about the first message that wasn’t rude. He then used the most twisted logic explaining to me he did this because the third message was so obviously rude that I didn’t need to be told. I instead had to be told about the first message that could have been conceived as rude.


Confessions of a NT
11:05 PM
Sat 19th Sep, 2020

David, just wanted to say thank you, your most recent post was what I needed to read today. Being a victim of one's own empathy is a thought that I've been mulling around in my head lately, and it was as if you put order to my thoughts thus laying it to rest. You and your clear incites here are much appreciated.


Winnie
6:03 AM
Sat 19th Sep, 2020

To Flavia: Yeah, tell that guy to fuck off when he contacts you for support. You need a real support system, not that jerk. Sorry, I feel pissed off reading what he did to you, abandoning you in a foreign country. He has to pay for his sins, imho. You don't owe him a second of your time. To Lucky: I TOTALLY know what you meant about the "scoffing" thing....my 5 week relationship with an Aspie (that i'm so glad I got out of by reading everyone's posts here that made me realize that I dont't need this kind of shit in my life) was just like yours! Except that my Aspie (who was from London) would make a Thhh sound with his tongue on the back on his teeth, almost so hard he would spit. It was a scoff, just like you said! It was hard to figure it out at first, but you hit the nail on the head. I'm really glad you called it quits soon, like me. I read these posts on here and i feel ANGRY. I think that they are treating everyone like paid staff persons. DON"T BE A STAFF PERSON...it's not a real relationship...you're a staff person...like the hired help at a facility!


David
5:07 AM
Sat 19th Sep, 2020

There are a lot of people here who are in pain over losing their aspie, especially without closure. Don't be too hard on yourselves. I've been there, done that, and sometimes still miss who I thought she was. But realize that he or she misrepresented themselves- they left because you're not important to them anymore- you were nothing more than a special interest and an object. Yeah, it hurts and you're in denial over it, but you're wasting mental energy over someone who won't change, and who views the rest of us as the problem. What makes it harder is the diagnostic label itself, because it implies a disability that the person has no control over. If a non-aspie acted this way towards us, we would have less trouble cutting them loose. But because we think aspies have a handicap and are allegedly not responsible for their behavior, we are more empathetic and understanding towards them, thinking that if we try hard enough, we can help them overcome their disability. We can't. Trained therapists can't. And even if someone like this didn't intend to hurt us, why should that really matter? Whether someone has a loaded gun and fires it intentionally at us, or if it goes off by accident, we are still dead either way. Their intentions don't matter to the victim, only the end results. I suggest that we not be too empathetic towards people who aren't capable of emotional reciprocity, and who continually turn the tables on us in a vain attempt at projecting their failures onto others. When we try to understand an aspie, we become victim to the very thing that makes us special- our empathy. But our empathy is misplaced in these situations and becomes our liability- it is directed towards someone who cannot appreciate it, who doesn't want it, and who will not change. Once you come to terms with these things and forgive yourself from falling into an almost unavoidable trap set by a clever actor, you can start to regain your self-respect and dignity, and realize that you deserve much more than they would ever be capable of giving you.


Leona
7:27 PM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

To Flávia 6:51 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020: Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you stay in contact with a man who abused and abandoned you?? Why don't you just block him (on the phone, E-mail and all social media) and move on with your life? I think that's the reason why you can't get over the mourning process. You are still entangled with your abuser. Since you are a psychologist, please ask yourself: What is the benefit of your behaviour (keeping the contact)? Do you think you can save him/fix him/make him come back to you/realize what he lost? I don't mean to offend you in any way, Flavia, but in order to move on and achieve the life you desire and deserve, you must ask yourself (and answer) these questions honestly and change your behaviour. Keeping the contact will only increase your misery. "No contact" is the key!


Diamond
7:01 PM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

Hi everyone. I would really love to hear your opinions on something, from both NT and AS perspective if possible…… My aspie ex has completely withdrawn since June from me and also the joint friendship circle we were in. At the time, he sent me a very direct text message of ‘I am really very sorry to have to ask this but please do not contact me in any way ever again’. I then found out last week from a mutual friend that he has decided to move overseas for 7 months, possibly longer if it works out. I know him well and this is his usual ‘run away’ response to try and reduce his stress and anxiety when he gets overloaded. I sent him a text to say how exciting, would love to take him out for dinner to clear the air and say goodbye properly, and he hasn’t responded….. I know that he tends to live in the past in his head and go over and over situations related to failed romantic interests, constantly questioning where things went wrong. He is 40 and would still talk as far back as when he was 18 regarding dates, exes, anything – he would relive the failures again and again. As his happiness is still my utmost concern (always has been) and given that he is clearly stressed and struggling, do you think I should contact him to try and give him some level of explanation as to what I think happened with us and reassure him that he is still very much loved by all? Or would that upset him more than help? My end goal is to make sure he doesn’t suffer more than he needs to from his constantly reliving the past again and again and for him to know that, with me at least, he did not do anything wrong and was very much loved by me and our friendship circle. So hopefully he can find some peace in his heart and mind. Thoughts everyone?


Idem
4:25 PM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

I was just thinking -it is lots said that Aspies are good at 'masking' but from my observation they are not really so good for perceptive person.This mask quite often drops when they are stressed, tired.It is quite confusing because it is like switch from one personality to another- nearly like double personality.


Lucky
10:46 AM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

Hi, I just want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. I was in a very long and serious relationship with a man who ended up succumbing to alcoholism. I tried to make things work, but ultimately couldn't. It was codependent, and I let my own health, passions, and sense of self go all while trying to 'cure' him, help him get sober, help him financially, emotionally, and on and on. It drained me. Flat out of that relationship and I meet someone who seems positively nerdy and non-threatening, really intelligent, different, and had a little bit of an old-fashioned/formal attitude that I liked. We were just getting to know each other, but talking a lot by text. When we talked on the phone things were a little awkward but I chalked that up to being the beginning of a dating relationship. I started to get the sense that he hadn't had a lot of girlfriends, but that would be unusual for his age (40s). On our first date he seemed great at first, warm and friendly. But after about 45 minutes, we were in a pleasant conversation and he asked me a question about college admissions that had nothing to do with anything we were talking about. He asked the question almost like a demand, and seemed really perplexed and mildly annoyed that I wasn't interested in the subject at all. I noticed later he was cool and barely talked to wait staff, treating them as if they were not there at all. More non sequiturs came up, but overall I liked that he seemed stable, reserved, and genuine. Then suddenly, he said he had to leave and dashed off without a real goodbye. It was like he was excusing himself to the restroom, but instead he was done. I was frustrated and really put off, but when he asked me out again (another afternoon, casual thing) I said yes. This time we met outside a restaurant he normally went to. He asked why I waited outside - versus going inside (this is covid but they had an outdoor garden area in the back of the restaurant) and I was so confused. It's normal to wait and meet and greet someone outside a restaurant - he acted like it was some kind of completely abnormal thing to do. At the table things went fine, but it was awkward, I could feel his eye really drilling into me. He didn't share anything emotional and everything he said sounded like a practiced response. I thought it was just him being nervous, which in turn made me nervous. He would laugh at things, but it came off like a snicker and at odd moments, which started to make me self conscious. (Like if I said, "I'm really close with my family." - that's the not the time to scoff at someone.) His tone wasn't really conversational, it sounded really condescending. We spent the afternoon together and at one point were walking down the street in the rain, sharing an umbrella. It felt really romantic to me, but he seemed like couldn't wait to bolt across the street away from me. But if I asked him if he was ok, he said he was enjoying himself. But he didn't sound it, the whole thing was so confusing. We ended up having an outdoor cocktail and suddenly, like the last time, he hopped up and was on his way - date was over! I was shocked and asked him to sit back down and say goodbye properly. He did, but wow, did he look uncomfortable. The next day he sent me a text that he had a great time. When I tried to explain the day to someone else they suggested he might be on the spectrum. Since then, he's texted and emailed - he asks if we can get together again. When I initially said yes but tried to find a date he would respond that he was too busy (yet he has asked for the date?!). I gave up and started reading about asbergers. I tried to gently ask him if he had aspergers but he got really defensive and asked, "What have I done to make you think that sort of thing?" I asked if he had PTSD or was depressed (since that can mimic aspie behavior) and he was less defensive, but said no. We stayed in touch by text for a while, because I was hoping somehow he would admit things and/or I felt sorry for him. I don't think he has any friends. But the more I tried to be his friend even, the more he pushed me away. He lied about things (little things that didn't matter like saying he never read a certain magazine and then I found out he had been a fan for years), would act very warm (for example asking about something I liked) but when I responded had a complete disinterest. Ultimately when I asked if he wanted me in his life in any way, he said it was up to me. I really felt bad for him and wanted to boost his self confidence, but at the same time, he had spoken or behaved in ways that made me cry more than once. I did a lot of research about autism. I'm 99% sure he has aspbergers, and 98% sure I've seen his mask slip a lot since I met him. There is a lot of info out there that suggests Aspies are these sweet teddy bears with little quirks who cannot lie. I thought maybe I could find a way around his quirks since there were things I liked about him... but the more I read and talked to him the more I realized the things I like about him are a put on. They aren't *really* there. I cannot thank you all for sharing your experiences. It was reading this site over a few weeks that made me realize I've dodged a bullet in a big, big way. I have no doubt he is Aspie, and because of that he is emotionally unavailable or downright indifferent to how others feel at best. I feel sorry for him, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have any feelings for me at all if the tables were turned.


Flávia
6:51 AM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

Every day I read your testimonies here. I feel that this is a safe and irreplaceable place that seeks your relief and understanding never before found <3. Unfortunately my mourning process of my two-year relationship with a French guy, after the abandonment I suffered in another country and in the pandemic, is long and I can't get over it. He still writes to me as if nothing is abnormal. He abandoned me in Europe to do a doctorate in Canada and now he tells me everything about his academic plans without feeling the slightest resentment, with immense happiness and indifference. He talks about math all the time and about the millions of scientific articles he wants to publish. He wants my support and compliments while offering NOTHING in return, he rarely talks about me or things I appreciate. Worst of all, he's questioning whether to "have a relationship again or not" after the whole tragic episode. He really thinks there would be a new chance between us with an arrogant and terrible tone! How is he able? What makes me very angry is that, while I was lost in another country, living the worst abandonment of my life alone and without his help, he never again kindly wrote to me as a friend. He disappeared, met new people, and simply coldly ignored all the problems that I could be living in the other country. Now, he just seems to be using me as an object (a kind of anchor) until he goes to Canada and finds his life to abandon me again. What did he create in his head? That I'm a known person and the security he needs if he doesn't find everything he wants there? Have you ever felt like a puppet in the hand of an Aspie?


Flávia
6:40 AM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

@Franks ------ I read your testimony and I really felt the pain of your story because it's very similar to mine. In fact, if you read so many testimonials on the internet, you'll find thousands of them and you'll see that we weren't the only ones "drawn" in the immense pain of the heart. I don't know how long ago you entered the world of knowing about aspergers after your relationship (Me too, "woke up" only at the end of my relationship), but you'll find all the answers in other people and stories.. It's as if our boyfriends were brothers, sometimes. I recognize your story because I also dated the distance for two years with a French / mathematician. We traveled all over Brazil (my country) together, I shared every sea breeze with him to the sound of poetry by Brazilian writers. I was asked to marry in many different places and I believed it was the life I deserved. Today I'm interpreting that I was used as an object for his curiosity about my country. In the end, after all, when I finally changed countries to be close to him, he decided to go to Canada (coldly) because of his dream of a doctorate. He slept on the phone and never answered me again. He abandoned me in the middle of the pandemic and never supported me. The plans we made together just didn't exist anymore and it was all my fault for "pushing / rushing him". I was alone, without anyone and without speaking the language. I was stuck for 8 months in this hell and looping with pure anguish. He was simply a robot and I understood the whole lie of his ~sweet~ masks. Their ingenuity is so captivating and they make us feel so special... so unique! And I found out that he was using a dating app a week after breaking up while I was crying all the tears from the oceans that we visited together. I know that you have no strength and I also know that you'll never have the answers to all the questions and betrayals you have suffered. Distance facilitates masks in these people and really creates an illusion of great effort. I advise you to think about your liberation from a horrible future and for never having suffered more consequences in your real life, as I suffered and so many others, for the possibility of being abandoned / distanced / deprived of everything that is normal and desired in relationships. My pain is also not over (I have been suffering so much for 4 months), but I'm struggling and learning a lot about ASD to remove the blame that he placed on me. Do your purification process, think of liberation and be firm on the path that's the future without it! Rebuild yourself and remember each day the value of love and empathy for your life. He couldn't offer that to you. He will always repeat his cycle with other people until the end of life (my psychologist's words). It's all about him, about his syndrome. The guilt you feel can, in large part, be purified only in your heart (and with the help of excellent therapy). I send you positive thoughts and fight together for these mistakes! (Sorry because English isn't my native language). <3


Winnie
12:35 AM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

To Ima Fool: OMG I would totally flip out and tell your boyfriend, "Yeah I don't respect you and I'm gonna kill all these flies with the flyswatter and if you don't like it, take a walk cuz I'm going on a fly-killing binge." He can just go fuck himself. I mean, really. I felt ANGRY when I read what you wrote. And you gotta get that job and move out. Sounds like the most miserable situation I could ever imagine. OMG I would go postal. Get out. Get out. Get out.....


Miel
12:02 AM
Fri 18th Sep, 2020

@Robert My apologies for the misunderstanding, English is not my first language. While I’m on the subject, I’ve noticed @Lily that censoring and putting a NT in a box/prison is a recurring theme. My AS man, after weeks of censoring me and forcing me to communicate only via his preferred messaging client, actually suggested I write to him only in French. He did not even speak nor understand French but no doubt imagined this would quell further analysis or discussion. He then proposed that he would also call me for one hour per week. I would be required to speak French while he spoke English (he usually refused to speak at all during phone calls). It was near the end of our relationship, within days of him accusing me of being “obsessed” with him yet I immediately refused which enraged him. The proposal was an insult to me and to my language. To be treated this way, “loved” and abruptly rejected, censored and maligned, only to finally be given an allotted phone call like a prisoner!? My refusal spun him into a rage which ended our relationship. I’m thankful I retained enough self-respect to refuse him this final nonsense. At the time, I didn’t even realize it was a common controlling “strategy” from the masking AS toolbox.


franks
11:10 PM
Thu 17th Sep, 2020

What a whirlwind.. I was dating someone for 2 years before I found out he was on the spectrum. During those two years I felt something was different about him but found his quirks endearing and genuinely liked that he was shy, good looking, and unique. But there were so many times I felt like he was insensitive and rude and then whenever I confronted him about it it was somehow my fault for feeling this way in the first place. I felt completely gaslighted and unsure of myself. We also are from different countries..which made things difficult. We were either apart for months or travelling somewhere spending every second of every day with one another. I thought a lot of our issues stemmed from constantly being together. 2 days before I was about to get on a flight home his aunt casually mentioned that she thinks he has Aspergers but his family hadn't told him. My world was shook and I felt so confused. The day before I leave he proposed to me. I said yes and went home with a lot to think about! After 5 months home and a lot of reflection I decided that he was the one for me. (I spoke to him about Aspergers and he was sweet and wholeheartedly agreed that he had it) Who needs to be with someone "normal" how boring and overrated! So I go to be with him and we finally figure out a place we can both live with plans to settle down. At this point we decide on Spain and are there for about 6 months. During these 6 months he felt very distant and cold at times and I was really trying to be understanding and have empathy for him. He also suffers from OCD and I always felt like it must be hard to be him at times and that broke my heart. Due to COVID the lockdown in Spain was pretty serious. During this time he broke down crying one day and confessed to having cheated on me. He went to a beer festival when we last did long distance, "doesn't remember" anything and woke up in a girls bed. I felt so hurt and broken and I was stuck with him inside and couldn't leave!!! The worst was knowing that he did it 3 weeks after he proposed and lied to me about it for a year! I also had recurring dreams about him cheating on me for months and he continually denied having done so when I would ask him. After a couple months of trying to be okay with it because I really do love him, I decided I had to go home and broke off our engagement. Im so devastated and really feel like I may have just lost something special. I love his outlook on the world and we share a love for animals and the ocean.. he was my first love and my whole world has just changed. I hope I've made the right decision. Everyone's stories has helped my process and helped me to stay strong..thank you all so much x


Ollie
6:06 PM
Thu 17th Sep, 2020

To Ima fool: I felt my skin crawl when I was reading your testimonial. Your boyfriend sounds like a complete maniac. This behaviour is not normal... not even for an aspie. Please get out of this relationship as soon as possible (let someone help you, e.g. women's shelter, domestic violence hotline etc.), I really fear for your safety (and sanity)!


Ima Fool
6:22 AM
Thu 17th Sep, 2020

My live in Aspie boyfriend (Ok, he's 65) doesn't want me to use the fly swatter. We have an infestation and he doesn't want me to kill flies, of which there are approx. 100. I did the research to determine that he needs to take out the trash more frequently as this is what the larvae (maggots) live on. He reluctantly did so but does not rinse the dishes off (we have both cat and our own) just leaves them by the sink for *me* to wash. I am looking for work and he has retired on his savings (no, he doesn't share any money with me, all expenses are divided except for those he decides he won't pay). I bought (with my funds but this time I will ask him to split) various fly-killing remedies: clear sticky tape since we have glass windows, and a 'zapper' which is the most expensive. I had to drive around getting these as he does not drive. He interrupted my job search yesterday with a statement that he put one of the flies on the sticky tape, 'out of its misery' but he was sure I would notice so wanted to tell me. He identifies more with the flies than with me. I have a precious job interview Friday morning and sadly the place I like to interview (near natural light) and the only convenient place is by the window *where the flies are*. I explained carefully to him that the place needs to be fly-free by the time of my interview. However, the flies have had a '2nd generation' and they are back again. I tried enlisting his help but he stated that if I 'respected him' I would not use the swatter. He also took me to task for not helping him by removing books and other paper items from the floor where he can vacuum as I noticed pupae. I can't change him but want to avoid doing all the dishes, doing all of the fly work and them have him yell as me (teeth flashing, saliva spitting) after I use a fly swatter. He is insane, I think. I am half-way there.


Kitty
4:43 AM
Thu 17th Sep, 2020

Lily: I cried when I read your story. It is the closest to my own experience. "Not one holiday or weekend spent together." I went through this too. (Although I found out that I was "compartmentalised" because my aspie ex was seeing someone else!) I felt played too. You may not get closure because he might refuse responsibility. That's the thing that hurts the most. They are so like children--different from narcs--in that they claim woman are "too emotional"-- this is their get-out-of-jail-card. They cannot see the harm they cause (unlike narcs). I'm so sorry you spent years in this situation. I knew within the first few dates something was wrong. My situation lasted 6 months. But I understand why these relationships go on for longer. You can't help who you fall in love with. You must now learn to be kind to yourself. Spoil yourself. Get fit. Eat well. Get out and enjoy the company of friends. Travel. New goals. It really is the best way to get over these weird relationships. All the best.


Vicky
9:24 PM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

Lily - he is still consuming your thoughts even after the breakup because you are not taking the time to be aware of yourself or work on the insecurities that developed because of that neglectful relationship. The agony of the relationship was real but you still stay stuck on the fantasy of what could have been. My 21 year relationship ended this past June and 2 months later he had another woman at his home. My only thought was how I wanted to warn her. I started meditating and listening to Mooji on YouTube and it has helped me learn to get in touch with my true self of love, kindness and compassion. I mentally went back & forth of his good and bad qualities but in the end I had to accept he actually made my skin crawl with the awkward and uncomfortable “dead air” conversations. I never felt a sense of ease or security in that relationship and I won’t let myself forget it. I know this is tough but do anything that makes you feel joy and in time he will be a faded painful memory. I can’t believe how much I have grown in more than 3 months of not seeing him or talking to him. There is hope, just have faith.


Lily
3:47 PM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

I need help. I and the aspire broke up a few months ago. It’s been hard tbh. I know 100percent he’s AS. I know the hell he put his ex wife through and subsequently put me through neglect. But for some reason - and I think it’s the fact that my self esteem has been battered by that relationship, that I get thoughts that he might change or do better for someone else. I found out he’s seeing someone new. And I have feelings of anger thinking that he may change for someone else and yet he didn’t for me. I work with him two days a week. I know my self esteem eroded because I accepted and put up with years of delays. eventually I kept threatening to end things and he would beg me to stay and promise to change and literally never change. I did t feel like I was in a relationship. He never ever took me on dates once the three month honeymoon phase ended. He never called accept for his own selfish work stuff, asking my advice. I’d go days and days without hearing from him. Not one holiday or weekend spent together. When I said that for us to be in a relationship I need to see the person I’m with twice a week at least, he said “I do see you twice a week” - he was referring to work. I wasn’t included like a gf...I was put in a compartment , like I was in a shoe box and he’d peek every now and then to make sure I was still there. Slowly I started feeling neglected, then rejected and insecure like there was something wrong with me. He’d tell me that he had to catch up on paper work etc and yet I eventually found out that he did make time for meeting business acquaintances etc. I felt horrible. It’s like all of this behaviour stems from rules in his mind and yet I feel played. I keep remembering how all of his colleagues see the real him - a selfish power hungry aspie, but he gets away with it. They all talk behind his back. He does this thing where he delays any persons request. He makes patients wait and wait. Patients come out of their treatment saying “God he puts me in a bad mood”. His colleagues make requests of him and instead of saying no etc, he will delay them. He will make outlandish excuses as if they don’t see past the B.S., and I realize now it’s his mind blindness, he doesn’t understand how others perceive him. So there’s all this glaring proof that’s he’s never going to change, and it wasn’t ME and yet I somehow wonder and feel sad that he is in a new relationship with someone else instead of putting that time and effort into me. I feel rejected. The messed up part is that he’s gone out of his way to help me open my business. And I know he cognitively understands that what he did and his ways are wrong But it’s like there’s a missing peice. And now I’m left with anger and resentment. He will never change, I keep having to tell myself that. All his relationships will eventually devolve. The mask will slip....right?


Spencer Y
2:26 PM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

@erin 9/12/2019 I'm sorry you had experienced that. Currently I'm in this situation about to escape. I get little to no respect and she claims to love me but doesn't understand that love is more than a two way street. Luckily no children are in this battle. Why are they so manipulative? Yet us NTs are the controlling ones to them.


RMary
11:15 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

@Ree Ree. Sorry to hear about your shrimp incident. Sadly, this kind of thing is all-too-common for AS people. Some have zero ability to consider others. The exAS guy I dated actually *did* have some comprehension of that -- which actually made it all the more insulting. One time I made dinner for us, which we were going to eat after coming back from a movie. I pre-cooked 3 chicken breasts (for the two of us) and was in the course of preparing salads (with no offer to help from him, I might add). I turn around to realize that AS ex had gone into the fridge and eaten all three chicken breasts himself. In response to my baffled look, he said, "how selfish of me", and carried on. No apology. Another time we were at a restaurant and he ordered a meal, but I was not too hungry so I said I'd share a large side salad. I came back from going to wash my hands in the restaurant bathroom, only to see that he had eaten the entire side salad -- including my half -- by himself. Again, the "how selfish of me" line was his only response. I know he didn't mean to leave me with no food... it's just that in his warped brain literally nobody else matters. The total lack of care for us and others can feel so devaluing, if you let it. I'm glad I'm out. All the best to those on this board.


Spencer Y.
9:47 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

Going to keep this short but going through a lot these past weeks. I just don't get it. I spent 10 years and 9 relationship cycles with as Aspie that just doesn't get independence. I'm just so numb right now i can scream. We're going through relationship problems and i asked her to do her part while she has off days. I come home to an messy kitchen and apartment because she wants to hangout. I give 150% while her 100% is a 25% in normal terms. I'm at a lost on what to do because she's claiming she'll be homeless if we don't renew the lease. I'm tried of carrying so much of the load in our relationship. I apologize if this isn't the place for this i cannot sit idle anymore and let her control our life into a life of toxicity.


Robert
9:28 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

@Miel I'm referring to the average person outside of the family who won't believe you when you tell them your struggles, not the NT in the relationship.


Winnie
8:42 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

So the Aspie Doctor kept texting me and I kept not answering. Finally he sent me this, "I guess you're ignoring me. I deserve that. Do you really want to give up on something that could be even better?" (This is the guy who didn't text me back for four days and it turned out he had moved out of state for a few months and hadn't bothered to tell me, but is hoping to rekindle the relationship in November, when he returns.). So I wrote him this, "I gave up on anything when I texted you to break up last Saturday. I came to that conclusion the week previously when you couldn't be bothered to let me know what your weekend looked like. And in the last week you've done a 180 trying to prove you can be attentive, which only serves to show yourself up, from how you were previously. So either you couldn't be bothered to respond to me on purpose before, or you're being manipulative now. Either way, I'm not interested. It wouldn't be better, as you say. You would be in control of the information and choices and I would be a second-class citizen in the relationship. I don't want that." I came across a screenshot of a saying by Emily Maroutian. I thought it described how men see women in general, but after having had this luckily short-lived relationship, I realize it REALLY describes an Aspie / NT relationship. "I am not here for your understanding of who I am. I am here for your understanding of who you are. I am your mirror. How you feel about me, what you see in me, the thoughts that arise from your encounter of me, the judgments you hold about me, are all reflections of you. They have nothing to do with me."


Ree Ree
3:11 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

During this quarantine, I am finding myself yearning for a deeper level of conversation. All we talk about is what we ate for dinner and current events. He hardly shows emotion, looks like he is always angry, doesn't talk much, watches more television than Chauncey Gardner, (Movie: Being There), rarely compliments, too routine oriented, (brushing teeth and showering every night and morning at the same time), rarely laughs, selfish with TV remote, is a money grubber, finds it easier to criticize than compliment, rarely talks about his family. It is like, nobody is home and the lights are off!


Ree Ree
3:03 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

My "Aspie" and I do not live together. We visit each other every weekend; usually beginning on Thursday or Friday through Monday morning. One weekend, he mentioned that he cooked shrimp and rice and would bring some over to share with me. He usually cooks this dish as he thinks it is good. I'm not a shrimp lover, but manage to force myself to eat it out of courtesy. When he brought the shrimp over to my apartment, I noticed that the shrimp dish had the tiny tale part - not the meaty part at the top (where the head would have been had it still been attached). I always knew he was selfish, but this really took the cake. So the only pieces of shrimp that was mixed in with the rice was the tiny, tiny, tiny part of the "tail". No meaty parts at all. So when I asked him if he took all the large pieces of the shrimp and left me with the tiny pieces he said that "you know how I cut the shrimp up - it just happened that way." There is no way that out of 2 pounds of shrimp, 100% of the pieces I got were the smaller pieces. The selfishness is unbelievable. I was supposed to believe this explanation. You don't have to be a statistician to see that this explanation was BULL SHIT!


Miel
2:33 AM
Wed 16th Sep, 2020

Were we “ignoring details” because reality risked making our NT heart “feel bad” or were we performing the empathetic act of setting aside “details” and giving a broken individual we loved the benefit of the doubt? After all, in a normal relationship there’s a give and take of heartfelt generosity that precedes falling in-love. My man would accuse me of being “angry” at him. But, in his AS mind, when women failed to guess that something was bothering him and took issue with his heartless behaviour, he saw us all as “angry” and “lacking empathy”. (My father, who was also a late-diagnosed AS, abused us yet often claimed we “bullied” him if we interfered with his self care or threatened his mask.) And, like him, my AS man raged when others tried to make him “responsible” for their feelings but, a mask is a lie and liars are responsible for the consequences of their lies.


Idem
10:07 PM
Tue 15th Sep, 2020

@Ollie- I think that this deep connection is so normal in most of NT families that they take it for granted - just by reading this forum I realised that for so many people with narcissistic/autistic relations it is not a case.


Ollie
2:52 PM
Tue 15th Sep, 2020

This is fpr Paula 8:22 PM Mon 14th Sep, 2020: I feel you, though I don't have AS-children. I am the daughter of a narcissictic mother and I had these feelings of envy and wistfulness you describe whenever I watched my female friends interact lovingly with their mothers. It was just this level of deepness and affection that I have NEVER achieved with my mother and never will (her loss too, IMHO). For us NT-people (or, as someone pointed out, let's call ourselves "normal" because we are) it is so essential to have these deep connections in our lives, especially with our family members. But we don't. And it hurts. Sending a virtual hug to you, Paula!


Robert
5:43 AM
Tue 15th Sep, 2020

Hey there, I'm an aspie child of parents who definitely had some the traits themselves, especially my mom who had lots of repetitive hand movements and a very poor theory of mind (along with very bad schizophrenia, made worse by the fact that she was totally incapable of self reflection). People would always tell me how much my mother loved me because she loved to give me material things and never made me do chores or taught me how to do them but she was very possessive and neurotic to the point of being emotionally abusive and did not give a damn about my personal development at all. My father did not see any of this until I made him see it very recently which I would not have been able to do without my financial independence allowing me to flex on them when they want to see me. As a child I would find sticks in the backyard and proceed to bang them against the patio for hours on end and would get lost in my imaginary world, did the hand flapping then whem frustrated sometimes (still do) and though I was book smart with a wide vocabulary my handwriting was and is terrible and I often found it difficult to connect with people. I say all this to prove my apsie bona fixes. The purpose of this message is to say that I definitely see both sides of the issue here. I know how frustrating it is to describe things that sound like they're not a big deal to people but they really are. For example my father was incredibly out of touch with me and only paid attention to his own interests, but when you're a teenager describing that to someone it just sounds like a variation of a normal complaint a kid might have about his parent. Ironically I feel like the NT tendency to generalize and dismiss details of situations is part of the issue here, plus being in touch with your emotions more may make it more difficult to accept certain realities if they make you feel bad. When we aspies try to articulate the issues we have we are often confronted with the same dismissal that a relative or partner would face when describing the issues with their aspie because this condition can be so hard to describe in a way that will make a normal person think it's a serious issue. Anyway, I'm still dealing with the scars of both my upbringing and also dating someone for a while who definitely had a severe empathy deficit and anger issues, which in turn have left me with greatly exacerbated anger issues of my own. I hope you all find peace the best you can.


tidalstream
10:19 PM
Mon 14th Sep, 2020

Dear All, thanks for your insightful comments, and for sharing your experience. I could never relax in a social setting with my aspie partner; I never knew when she was going to say something inappropraite, boastful, or just plain odd. She was often trying too hard to impress people when there was just no need.


Paula
8:22 PM
Mon 14th Sep, 2020

Hello everyone I have read and posted on this website before but I don't think I have come across this feeling I have. This weekend I attended a baby shower in my sister's backyard for my goddaughter. It took me the rest of the weekend to get over it. I realized that I was filled with envy and wistfulness at the normalcy of the event. I have an adult daughter not tested but with signs of AS and a younger daughter also with signs of AS.I was filled with grief at the limitations in our interactions. It's all surface talk never anything deeper and practically no interest in companionable activities with me. Wow the loneliness I experienced in my marriage and the loneliness I feel with several of my kids is so disappointing.


maggie
9:11 AM
Mon 14th Sep, 2020

To Kim ( 12 Sept)-- everything you say is true, I appreciated your comments


Idem
6:58 AM
Mon 14th Sep, 2020

@Dahlia, I really feel for you. When thinking about it NT husband/wife of Aspie can always end relationship but NT child of Aspie parents is so defenceless.... In my family it was my dad - I had no idea that he was autistic at the time but I remember when I was growing up when my mum was late from work I was always worried and panicking that something could happen to her.It was sort of child instinct that without her my file would be permanent abandonment and misery. Thinking about it now - I am so grateful I have not inherited it from him but I did some test and I think that I am in group of HSP ( highly sensitive person) I am very observant and emphatic and good with social interactions but I have one trait in common with autistic people: sensory processing sensitivity. Difference is that I don't react with aggression and meltdowns but quietly remove myself from situation ( to loud music, light, heat, cold....)


JodyK
4:56 AM
Mon 14th Sep, 2020

I stumbled across this site this evening. I am blown away by the frank discussions shared, so grateful that these have woken me up to very harsh realities should I chose to continue in this relationship. @ David 28 July - thankyou for you candor - indeed some self reflection is needed as to WHY I think I can "fix a broken person". Thankyou all for your sharing.


Dahlia
2:26 AM
Mon 14th Sep, 2020

I have an aspie mother and a brother, aunt, uncles and probably some cousins too... My mother’s family is full of ASD. My NT father died in a accident when I was 10 years old... He was my rock, and loved me unconditionally. My mother cried and screamed for a week when my father died, and after that never ever mentioned him again... I never felt that my mother loved me, but since I had food, clean clothes and she didn’t physically abuse me I thought that’s how love should be. But she was emotionally and verbally abusive. She never liked my friends, I wasn’t allowed to invite anyone to our home, I was send of to birthday parties without gifts, my birthday was never celebrated or remembered. The worst thing was that I wasn’t allowed to show feelings, not sorrow and not too much joy either. Tears were punished with time out in my room. I could come out when I stopped crying... I was criticized for everything, my work, my looks, my achievements. I was cute, A-student, active in sports and many other activities. She called me names if house chores weren’t done perfectly, or if my closet wasn’t in perfect order. Nothing I did was ever good enough. She always found something to criticize or compare me to somebody else who did it better than me... My brother was golden child. She did everything for him, and made me do it too. I loved my brother, and took care of him and helped him long in to adulthood, but If I complained that I was treated unfairly compared to my brother, I was accused of jealousy. Just once she admitted to me, that she did more for him than for me because he was like her and she understood him. (“did more for him” meant either she or I did all chores for him or helped him with whatever he needed). So she knew that I was different from how they were, but never once try to understand me or ask me what I needed help with. Not even practical female things like a monthly period or makeup or fashion were ever discussed with me. Keep in mind this was academically achieved, attractive and fashionable women we talk about. I could keep on and on and on. I am 50 years old, and still live the consequences of being raised by high functioning autistic mother, and with high functioning autistic brother. Both of them are academics, with good jobs and respected in their workplace. I still have contact with them, they are my only family besides my adult son. I try to understand them and love them, but I have to keep my distance or I wouldn’t survive... My father loved me and was proud of me, and I remember and cherish his love for me, but I was too young when he died to integrate his unconditional love to my core and my self esteem. Intellectually I know that I am good enough and worthy of respect and love, and I know what I should get in a relationship. But still I always end up with unloving, emotionally unavailable, egocentric men, or in the best case immature man-child who needs mamma to take care of him. I was conditioned to work hard for a tiny little bit of appreciation and love that almost never come. That’s how I (unconsciously) operate in my relationships, with the friends or even in the workplace. I had one unsuccessful marriage, 3 longer relationships, and some shorter relationships that all ended in heartbreak and me feeling rejected even if it’s me who ended it. Two of my partners/boyfriends were aspies, that’s what lead me to researching and realizing my mother and my brother are too. I work every day on my self, I try hard to overcome my childhood wounds and RSs with aspies. Best part of my life is my son, he is NT and thrive in his life, so I hope I did something right with him :). I am mostly functioning, with job, friends and activities, but I have periods with deep depressions, I am overachiever, expect always more from my self than from anybody else, give too much too fast, give up too easy when I should stick and get credits and bonuses for my achievements... I also fall in love with wrong men over and over again, I am usually not in touch with my feelings and needs before its too late and I am wounding again. I have problems to identify and name my feelings, so it’s also difficult to do the emotional work on my self, but yoga and meditation seams to ground me, and a lot of physical activities for my serotonin levels and depression. If anyone here have NT kids with aspie parent, please give your kids unconditional love, explain ASD to them when they are old enough and teach them that aspie-love is not what love and RSs are about, and if possible limit aspies parent influence and time with NT kids. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s from my experience of growing up with a very high functioning asd mother, who would never ever believe or admit that she was anything but loving and caring mother. I am sorry for my English, it’s not my native (or my second) language :).


PhD
11:48 PM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

I agree with responses to @tidalstream. However, I’d like to point out that autistic brains are not wired “differently”, which may imply there are different forms of a normal wiring. Autistic brains are not wired in the right way, they are essentially broken.


Lily
9:15 PM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

To Bianca, please please please run. Your story isn't that off from mine. I've posted here way back. I sometimes miss my Aspie (I work with him) and wish that things could have been different. But it's not different and won't be. My ex was recently divorced and he made it out like his ex was unreasonable and overly critical. But then time showed me who he was and even I couldn't take it. I'm overly nice most of the time and overly understandig (this is something I'm working on in terms of having boundaries) - and yet it did not work with he and I. The feelings of loneliness and neglect create an insidious insecurity and erode even the most confident person's self esteem. Run. Use these testimonials as a reminder that you're seeing the same pattern with Aspie's. My ex once confessed that he didn't even tell his parents he got married. His ex was so upset about it, she called his parent's and told them. Of course she was upset. He mentioned things about her and I thought "whoa she's so insecure" - nope, I'm sorry to say but over time he would say the craziest things to me that I'm ashamed to even admit on an anonymous forum. I thought they were just stupid things that came out from his aspie non-filter. But over time the neglect coupled with memories of the stupid things he'd say made me wonder if he didn't want me. That led to insecurity and nearly losing myself. You said you sometimes don't understand why you put up with or want someone that won't even give 5% ... this is an issue of self worth - but I say this: the self worth is eroded by years of dealing with the aspie BS, it eats away and before you know it your conscious mind has these background negative thoughts about yourself, and then that plays like a quiet white noise endless loop in your conscious mind, it feeds into your subconscious and on some level a person may start to have deep seated fears that they somehow don't deserve better; but your conscious mind masks it as you just loving your aspie to bits. Take back your power and your life. You can create and have an amazing relationship with a normal person. I used to think "ugh omg the chemistry is so amazing, he's so interesting no one else will make me feel this way" NO! that's a lie. There are billions of people on this earth and of COURSE you can have someone that you have chemistry with and love and adore, etc AND treats you properly. You deserve the best Bianca!


Idem
3:59 PM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

@Tidalstream- <<<>> Aspies brains are wired differently you can't change it. Diagnosis can bring 2 options. She will just ignore it nothing changes ( she will live in denial) or she will try to change things but it will be artificial. She will laugh at you jokes not because she is amused but because she is expected to. She will give you hug not because she has tender feeling towards you but because she is expected...... It will be mask like for robot who learns these behaviours. There is risk that at home when she is tired mask will drop and she will be as before.


lorelei
6:58 AM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

@tidalstream - a diagnosis can help you understand why you guys don't understand each other, and why you don't really share a sense of humor. It won't create those things out of nothing though, it just partially helps to explain why the situation is like that. You broke up because you weren't happy and because you couldn't fulfil each other's needs. That won't change with a diagnosis. If you feel like you're in a place where you could be friends, without wanting more, then maybe go down that route - ten years is a long time, after all, and I'm sure you have a lot of affection for each other. But you still will have all the same issues as before - and she still won't laugh at your jokes. I'm sorry. I'm sure your jokes are great! It just happens that way sometimes.


Roisin
6:51 AM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

Posting this as, if I am able to save anyone extra heartache, I would love to do so. Bridgette and Bianca - honestly, please do take everything that you are being told and shown by your AS partner as real and true. In my experience, things will only continue to devolve, and you will likely experience tremendous sadness and self-doubt. My partner and I were older, and I had experienced a twenty eight year marriage that was mostly very rewarding but ended with my spouse's downward alcoholic spiral, which was unfortunate. I did not want children, and am happy with lots of alone time, as I continue to work full time eight hours daily, in a rewarding career, and I have loving, accomplished, grown children and adorable grandchildren. My partner and I could have enjoyed a lovely life together, but this was not possible due to his inability to empathize, compromise, or to love me emotionally or physically the way that an NT parter needs to be loved. He would tell the neighbors and his gym acquaintances all sorts of ridiculous stories about me, but many of them witnessed his behavior towards me first hand, anyway. He withheld, lied, confided in strangers, and spent energy which could have been more productively put towards enriching our relationship towards superficial pursuits. We were once on his boat, with his brother, whom I suspect was also on the spectrum, and I had been tasked with climbing onto the dock and tying the boat on deck. I am petite, with long legs, but had lots of difficulty climbing out of the boat. While the two men stared at me attempting to pull myself onto the dock, offering zero assistance, a man came walking towards me and pulled me onto the landing. His brother commented, "Now there's a gentleman!" Just incredible. I could go on and on and on, but will not. Once my partner had caused me injury, I began to make a stealthy plan to extricate myself from the relationship. This took seven months, and towards the end of this time, I had spent one entire Sunday working out, eating lunch, and generally hiding from him, before needing to return home. I opened the door, and he walked towards me, very clearly aroused. He asked me, "In light of what is going on with us, what should I do with this?" !!! I should have told him what to do in very real language, but instead, needing and wanting to keep the peace, I slept with him. I felt like a whore. This continued until I actually was able to get out. When we had met, my expectations were low - to have a nice, happy friendship, loving sex, and a great companion who would spend quality time with me. No children necessary, as we were older. After six full years together, I was abused physically and emotionally, spending lonely weekends, and fully neglected as a human being. I cannot begin to imagine what the added burden of raising children could do to a relationship like this. I felt that I couldn't trust him to properly take care of our cat.


Vicky
6:04 AM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

Tidal stream - you already invested 10 years, why are you backpedaling? I will answer whether she will “get you”, she won’t because her brain is different and her emotional development just isn’t there. I spent 21 years trying to get my husband to “get it” and he didn’t and has no idea why we are divorced. If you do falter and go back for more of the same, don’t marry because it is much more difficult to get out. Why not try dating someone without asp or look into your past. Try to find out if anyone with held emotionally to determine if she is bringing up something familiar and that is why you are trying to stay in a relationship with someone that doesn’t get you. Just work on yourself.


Bridgette
4:08 AM
Sun 13th Sep, 2020

Hi, all. I could post everyday with some incident that I endure from my undiagnosed aspie, though I don't, I will today. So he was trying to force hug me, I say force because he knows full well I'm upset with him for how he's been treating me today, some days are worse than others. I told him that if he wants to talk to me about why I'm upset with him then we can talk otherwise I don't want his hugs. I'm sure you all can guess his response. He proceeded to grab his things and walk out of the house. Though he did say one thing before he left. He said he should have put his candy bar in the fridge. Really? I would say lol but I'm far from amused. This is nothing new unfortunately. The insanity of it all.


Erin
7:59 PM
Sat 12th Sep, 2020

I thought Aspies cant lie. Mine never would let me see his phone and was sneaky about it. We broke up in july after 2 years. He coldly turned me off like a light switch. How can they just be so ok and casual as if you meant nothing? Now I see what a dysfunctional, codependent, self-centered relationship it was. Always accommodating his needs. His family wasnt supportive of me and he would go home and lie to them about things I never said or did then later tell me he had alot of damage to undo but it was just too late. I'm so glad I'm out of that selfish childish place. I think he used me but it diesnt matter now. I'm free. Truly.


tidalstream
7:55 PM
Sat 12th Sep, 2020

I've just ended a relationship of 10 years after realising I'd never marry my partner. I loved many things about her but I felt we didn't 'click'. She didn't laugh at my jokes and we didn't laugh together very often. My family didn't like her as she came across as rude and aloof. She had few friends and spent a lot of time alone. A couple of weeks after a very tearful breakup I've discovered she's most probably on the spectrum for high-functioning AS. I'm tempted to get back together and continue our relationship. I fantasise that I could learn more about AS, discuss AS with her, support her, and and we would get married. Would this be a mistake? Will she never 'get me', will we never laugh together?


Mouse
1:57 PM
Sat 12th Sep, 2020

@RK. I live in Denmark. I've read that in some other countries there r non-govermental organisations, that organize 'walk'n talks' and coffee meetups, for NT-spouses, i think thats a great idea, and hope someday, i can somehow be part of that, or make that happen here. There r different non-govermental initiatives, but as David argues, there really should be some official recognition of the reality of living with a person who has diagnosed or undiagnosed ASD. I really find it weird that there is'nt. Normally an important part of good parenting is, to actually be able to see and meet ur childs needs. As its actually a central part of the ASD diagnosis, not being really able to to that, it should be obvious, that its gonna cause some emotional trouble for their children? Making the 'system' aware and taking it seriously is probably a long hard struggle though. Hoping some day, to be able to contribute to this issue, somehow. Its a complicated issue, maybe thats why its difficult to communicate well. An alkoholic not feeding their children, or being psysically abusive, is easier to pass judgement on. A parent who often claims to know whats going on in ur mind, and being completely wrong about it, lifts u up as though u were a toddler, though being way past that age, smiles a big smile while saying offensive hurtful things, and so on, probably just is a little harder to spot...and to most people it probably doesn't seem like a big problem either. Would really like to hear stories from adults who grew up with ASD parents, if anybody here had that experience? Thanx and good luck to everyone!


Kim
8:38 AM
Sat 12th Sep, 2020

I'm not being heartless when I say this. I'm just being honest. People with mental disabilities, personality disorders, etc. such as Aspergers, OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline, narcissist, etc. in my experience are very stressful people to be around and will cause many problems in your life if you decide to date them, marry them, be friends with them, etc. Like I said, I am not heartless. You can try to accommodate them all you want. They will never appreciate it and somehow you always do the right thing, accommodate them, accept them, etc. and in return you will receive no appreciation and somehow be made out to be the bad person when you've done nothing wrong and often be the person they abuse. Support sites for people with disorders often claim that they are on the ones on the receiving end of abuse from people but they never talk about the absolute hellish abuse and stress their NT spouses, families, friends, etc. of these people go through. I really do feel that these people have very tough disabilities but it's also not fair that people that try to help them and have normal relationships with them are on the receiving end of abuse and just bad behavior in general. I have also noticed an entitlement from these people where they expect everyone just to accept how they are and they think that they're allowed to do whatever they want. Sadly, in my experience some do get better with treatment while others get worse once they are diagnosed because they then use it as an excuse to act however they want. This is the only site I know of where NT people can give their point of view and not be seen as evil people for simply just giving their experiences with AS people but the other disorders are also very tough similar to AS.


Laurie
6:37 AM
Sat 12th Sep, 2020

Watch the old video "Who"s on First?". It displays life exactly with these guys as you will NEVER know who"s on first? Constant chaos and confusion. I wake up every morning from a deep restful sleep in the presence of the Holy Spirit only realize another day of complete and utter nothingness in my marriage.


Idem
4:51 AM
Sat 12th Sep, 2020

@lorelei- sorry I maybe misunderstood you. I think that healthy ,balanced relationship between 2 people is based on some compromise. Unfortunately in Aspie/NT relation only NT partner compromises,compromises.....to the point of loosing their own identity. It is unhealthy and make this person very unhappy. Normal person needs to feel closeness and to give and receive some affection, warmth from partner. Autistic person does not have these needs. The most depressing thing is that they pretend to be loving, warm in the beginning to trick their partners into relationship..


Idem
10:07 PM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

@Hope. Thank you for you thoughts. I sometimes thought that somehow they were bitter, jealous that I am normal and I can interact easily with people and they can't. I think that their behaviour was like classic bullying ( without realising it ? Do they. bully on purpose ? ). I am not so weak I can stand to bully but to normal one not autistic and 3 of them? It was too much for me. I also noticed what someone said before that they can switch so quickly.When I raised all these issues with my boss-he could be really nice, pleasant, polite but for short time - but you can see he tries hard to do it...and that click and switch to be unpleasant again. In the end I just gave up. Normal people don't behave like this. >>>I guess it's their way of attempting to feel some superiority and not feel so alone in the world, which I do believe Aspies feel>>> That is what I don't quite understand they are all superior or submissive they are unable to get to equal relation with other people.They are alone but lonely? I don't think so they go to relations with cold attitude looking for practical benefits ( cooking, cleaning,sex). My boss good looking, single for quite long. I mentioned once something about relations, interacting with people and his reply' If I want to interact I go to pub'. And as you said by criticising, lack of complements... Did your ex-boyfriend assumed that it makes you happy and you want to be with him? What sort of sick mind it is. The worst thing is that all this experience affected my confidence I am not sure how long it takes to recover. On positive side- I APPRECIATE my husband now- we have small arguments from time to time but he is so normal, warm, affectionate and caring- I really appreciate it now what I took for granted :-)


Too late for me
6:55 PM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

Bianca..P.S. In regards to my earlier post to you, if he said he doesn't want to get married or have kids, BELIEVE HIM. If you were to get married, he would emotionally punish you for the rest of your life. And, I'm betting, he would be unfaithful to you if he hasn't been already. He's giving you an "out". Take it!


Too late for me
6:24 PM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

Bianca...Hi. Stay strong in this! Do not, I repeat, do not back down in your decision. You won't change him. I wish I would have taken the red flags seriously early in the relationship. There is someone else out there for you, but don't go looking for it. It will happen. And, if you're one of those women who has to always have a man, change course! Don't settle.


Too late for me
6:08 PM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

Shannon...Thank you. I haven't approached my AS husband about this. I'm reading up on it and continue to realize when I've said "there's some sort of disconnect up there", I was right. It's gotten somewhat better since we've both retired but he still tends to hold grudges against family members' on both sides, that he is convinced, have done him wrong. It's a very lonely existence and I have been finding camaraderie elsewhere for many many years. There are so very many instances and situations I look back on now and realize, 'Bingo!' This will require a lot of prayer on my part to determine next steps. I'm grateful to have found this site to help me navigate this bleak realization. However, as bleak as it is, I now can put it into context. Thanks again! (And yes, he has no ability to put himself in someone else's shoes.) xo


Winnie
8:19 AM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

To Fiona and PhD: Thanks! He's still messaging me and I'm just laughing because it's so pathetic and he's so completely different than he was before (he's suddenly attentive? How does someone change like that? Too suspicious to me). I also am happy to let him have a taste of his own medicine. He should expect four days to get a text returned, that's normal in a relationship, right? I have a date with a younger man on Saturday lol! I Hopefully we like each other. To Amanda - good for you! You deserve better. Keep reading these posts so you know what could be in store for you (that's what I did before breaking up with my Aspie doctor). I had no idea that he had moved out of state anyway, that's the hilarious clincher to the whole story. I'm glad I ended it before he admitted his bizarre behavior (not telling me he moved out of state). I glad I came to terms with it and read everyone else's posts and realized this was silly. A fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me kind of thing.


Heinrich
4:57 AM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

Question about constructed reality: have you experienced your Aspi to create their own reality? The guy I dated just said he couldn't talk politics with me because I was someone who voted for the Green Party. We had never ever talked about politics. It came out of the blue. And I have never voted the Green Party and never told him that it was the party I voted for. I mean, he didn't say it like "I am sure you vote the Green Party". For him, I actually voted the Green Party. It was his reality. Or he just claimed for weeks that I have a girlfriend. I never had a girlfriend (I am gay, why should I have a girlfriend?!). He just made things up and pretended that it was reality. I just don't get it.


PhD
3:12 AM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

To Amanda - I am genuinely grateful for your feedback to my post. I believe in you, and I'm very proud of you, because I have been in the same situation, and I know how incredibly difficult it is to make a decision to end your marriage. You have what it takes to leave the airless coffin which your marriage turned out to be. You deserve to be happy and you will be, I know it. Stay woke! :))


Hope
12:44 AM
Fri 11th Sep, 2020

@Idem......Constant criticism, and rudeness is not at all unusual from those with high-functioning autism. In my experience it's quite common. My ex-boyfriend would tell me he loved me at the end of the day, and meanwhile never gave me a nice compliment after the initial honeymoon phase. He just criticized, criticized, and criticized; he was mind-blind to the concept of nurturing a relationship, and letting the other person know why they are loved/appreciated. He also gas-lit me often and accuse me of having serious issues and deficits, that were really his own insecurities. Once I stepped away from the relationship it became all too apparent, to me, that accusations such as being a terrible communicator, being unable able to make emotional connections to others, and having critically low self esteem that adversely affects my ability to make it in the world, were all seriously his issues that he has been struggling with his entire life. I guess it's their way of attempting to feel some superiority and not feel so alone in the world, which I do believe Aspies feel. Aspies have low self-esteem often, and projecting their own negative qualities on others is a coping mechanism.


Tom
12:40 PM
Thu 10th Sep, 2020

Another day, another argument which arose from his absolute unreasonable and unworkable demands. It's his way 100% of the time and no other, and of course this spoiled man-child had a tantrum when told otherwise. Today's dummy spit was around a home security, and naturally as it was my idea it's completely wrong, and needs to be torn to shreds or slathered up in his neurotic insanity that it's impossible to be workable. Of course if it's his idea, it's perfect, infallible and WILL be done regardless. It's now going to double the price and be largely effective - if he agrees on it at all, and not have yet another meltdown over something insignificant. I'm so tired of everything always being about him and his demands. No comprimise, no support, it's always him, him, him, him ALL the time. And it's getting worse as he's aging. It's like dealing with a spoiled, petulant child that when he's not having a meltdown about his candy stripes being the wrong width or length, he's yapping incessantly about the minutiae of some esoteric nonsense that nobody cares about. I'm at my wits end, and don't know what to do.


Shannon
9:41 PM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

This is for Too Late For Me: Welcome. Many of us know the shock of a late diagnosis or realization that it's this hidden ogre Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) that's been eating away at the intimate bond of our relationship or marriage for many years. My husband is not officially diagnosed but he did online tests and is without a doubt ASD. I figured this out a year and a half ago when I went to see a therapist, after 29 years of marriage, and am still trying to come to terms with it and what it means for the future. Fortunately my husband acknowledges fully that he is ASD. He feels bad about his behaviours from the past, which he now realizes were not kind and loving, not "right", and that they were driven by autism/aspergers. He now sees his rigidity and judgmental thinking, the narrow interests, the sensory overload issues, the black and white thinking, the inability to read body language and I could go on and on. I'm still here because he tries to adapt his behaviour and we have kids and a nice home and community and I don't want to blow up my life at the moment. However, our romantic bond has been slowly destroyed by his behaviour over the years, by hurts big and small, so our sexual relationship is probably over forever. We are trying to be friends, as I have pointed out we need to be. ASD people really are clueless about emotional support and labour and so I continue to play the role of relationship guide, explaining how we can live together as partners and a family. He's now listening. Others married to volatile ASD spouses in denial of their disorder are not so lucky. Discovery is a long, disorienting process. I feel like I'm in a car in the dark, backing up down the long dirt road of our life together. The only hope for eventual peace is if the ASD person achknowledges they are on the spectrum, and you can work togther as friends to find forgiveness and peace. In all too many cases, as we see here and in other forums, that is not possible. I highly recommend the Delphi forum "AS Partners" for dialogue with other nearotypical spouses (mostly women) who will help you feel supported in your healing process and decisoon making. You are not crazy, not an angry person, not stupid. You are a good, neurotypical person who expected and deserved love from marriage. Good luck to you. xoxo


Amanda
7:14 PM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

In response to PHD... I have read all postings and have been quietly taking all of you’re experiences on board. For me, this is exactly what I’m scared of you have all been brave enough to leave these people after 20/30 years... I m in my second marriage with my aspie my first marriage was 30 years .. so In theory I should no better and expect more for myself. My man, entices me promise s me and then forgets me again, just how I read with you all. I suppose I feel I’m making it it all up and it’s my doing .. I promised myself to leave him now he s trying again.. I also feel I can’t forget forgive the things as he sees it as doing wrong.. Not saying how beautiful I looked on our wedding day or having to call police wen he went missing.. So I have read all you’re posts and think hell no I can’t go through what u have and I no he ll never change just Try to learn How to behave better for instance not pulling his trousers and underwear down while we are having a conversation at home... or swearing I realise know he can learn behaviour s to please me remembering to greet me and practicing the right things to say... but he’ll never change Thank you to you all for sharing you’re experience s , yes I have woken up and now very realistic of my future if I stay with him .


lorelei
7:03 PM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

@Idem: I don't mean responsability as in taking care of someone financially. I mean that a part of your happiness is kind of dependent on them. That the way they treat you affects you deeply, and that vanishing and isolating themselves or even treating themselves badly has repercussions on you.


Idem
5:25 PM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

I found this website accidentally and reading it really helped me!. It has been probably different situation but I can see the same 'side effects' like in relations with Aspies. I was working for 10 months in small IT Company ( I left in July). People in general were ok but my team of 4 people..... I have noticed from the start that something was not right. It took me while to realise that 2 of them were autistic ( including my boss) and remaining one was very odd. Working there was like torture - awful interaction but also they were rude, insensitive putting me down, excluding....it really affected my confidence. I always treat people with respect so it was shocking for me. I don't quite understand it- I am good at work and I have healthy social and interactive skills. I was thinking would it be bitterness that I was just so normal?Just nastiness that they can't fit in Society?


Idem
3:32 PM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

@Lorelei- I think that you mix 2 different things. Responsibility for someone ( like in marriage /with children) it is completely different matter. Some Aspie men earn good money and keep family in quite comfortable financial situation. The problem is with relations- if they are cold, aloof,condescending,not interested.....this family will not be happy. I have read somewhere article written by NT woman married to Aspie man. She says she is 'happy' as she realises that her interaction with husband will always be limited so she has group of friends, family to compensate it. I partly understand it , she gave up on trying and somehow she accommodated her needs. I don't think everyone want to live like this.


lorelei
5:27 AM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

I've been thinking about some things lately, that my recent relationship and breakup made me realise. One of them is about responsibility towards fellow humans. I think that really, caring for someone and loving someone is more of an action than a feeling. It's nice to say "True love is a walk on the beach at sunset!" but the reality of the situation is that that is just a sensation - a nice one, but it doesn't really mean anything. Loving someone involves a kind of responsibility - accepting that you are responsible for a part of their happiness and well-being, and trusting them to be responsible for a part of yours. This can go so very wrong in so many ways - some people want you to be responsible for the entirety of their happiness and lay everything on you; some people feel insufficient and say "No, we must all be independent and that means escaping all interpersonal constraints, you must be entirely responsible for your own happiness" which ignores the basic fact that society and relationships are based on us all being beholden to each other in some way, which is *terrifying* but true; some people lie and say you can trust them, and then bail; some people take on all the responsibility for someone else and then feel drained and resentful that they are carrying someone else's weight along with their own, but nobody is helping carry theirs. It is such a difficult thing to find the balance. I think that this is really a big part of where I ran into trouble with my ex. Without compromise and accountability, you can't have this base. I don't know if AS and NT people are really compatible, because it seems to be a common thread running through all these stories - the imbalance of responsibility and the lack of accountability. I don't think it's so much anyone being wilfully ill-intentioned (of course, in some of these stories it is, but I don't think it's a baseline) as just a basic difference, and I don't think it can be resolved. If someone isn't capable of taking on this responsibility, be they AS or NT, lowering the bar isn't the solution.


Too Late For Me
1:15 AM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

Oh my goodness. Just realized yesterday that Aspergers is what I've been dealing with for 36 years. Husband probably fits 80% of the characteristics. Many reasons for not leaving the relationship. I need to read these posts in more depth and process this. I'm overwhelmed now. Always thought it was narcissist disorder or borderline personality disorder. The one characteristic that distinguished that it was aspergers was the 'not getting the joke'. Add to that ZERO EMPATHY and no forgiveness to others. If you aren't married to yours, and its safe to do so, GET OUT NOW! You'll regret it if you don't. And beware, they're master manipulators.


Fiona
12:24 AM
Wed 9th Sep, 2020

I just wanted to tell Winnie: I think that it's so great that you resisted your Aspie ex-boyfriend's attempt at "hoovering" and didn't let yourself be sucked back in. It takes a lot of strength to do that, but you handled it gracefully and in a very cool way! You go, Winnie! :)


PhD
3:27 PM
Tue 8th Sep, 2020

@Winnie - LOL!! They just never seize to amaze me! 🤦‍♀️ Good riddance!


Winnie
9:03 AM
Tue 8th Sep, 2020

Hilarious Follow-up: So I broke up with the Aspie doctor by text on Saturday since it took over four days for him to return a text which left me hanging about the previous weekend plans (actually two weekends ago). Thought I'd never hear back from him but lo and behold he texted to say, "I'm sorry I've been really distant lately, the truth is I moved out of state. I knew I would have to rotate here eventually , just didn't know how to tell you so I pushed you away." Then he went on and on about how I am so great for him and met all of his needs, etc. He did apologize for his behavior. Said he would be moving back to my state at the end of October and said that he wanted to rekindle our relationship since we have "lots of potential." I responded that it may have been great for him but there was a lot lacking on my end and I have no tolerance at all for bullshit (what to me is drama and games). He said he knew we had a good thing going and that there wouldn't be any more games. I texted him to say I wasn't interested. :)


Vicky
5:44 AM
Tue 8th Sep, 2020

Daphne - I was married to a man exactly as you described your husband to be, I am so emotionally drained from that experience because he would not engage when confronted and I had to resolve all issues on my own. He never helped around the house and became more distant and absent as the years went on. It would be similar to being “ghosted” but in real life and not by phone & when trying to resolve or end it, he didn’t engage during those times either. I am a shell of my former self, if I knew then what I know now, I would have never married him and would have stayed dating so when I wouldn’t receive a call or text or any effort to make plans I could have faded out of the relationship so much sooner and easier. I was so very much in love but didn’t know anything about Asperger so all I can recommend is to research it and get both of you into therapy now so maybe you can learn how to communicate and it help sustain the relationship. My ex was so inflexible in the end I actually grieved the end of the relationship as if he had died because I can’t even be around him now.


Sarah
3:21 AM
Tue 8th Sep, 2020

This is for Daphne. I have spent 4 years with an Asperger man and the first two were the best we will have. During those years, I was his primary interest / obsession and he was focused on the relationship. Over time, as he became more comfortable in the relationship, his other obsessions and interests began to pick back up like they were for 10 years prior to him meeting me (wherein he had no normal life outside of video games and internet obsessions and transexual pornography.) He started being agitated by my desire to have a relationship with him, he set time limits (routines) in which he only wanted to donate one hour to our relationship per day. Sex became less and less important, he said he didn’t feel he needs it in his life. He went back to the routine of being checked out of everything and having no idea what’s going on with me or my feelings. It’s his natural state: to be focused on his own world of interests. Anything else causes stress and anxiety. He can only handle it from his job and any expectations from me or for the relationship are a burden. Fights started and the relationship became a glimmer of what it was; I essentially completely lost what I knew of him the first two years because in many ways that person was just a facade. The worst part is caring for someone so much and them not thinking of you at all when you are supposedly in an adult relationship. We are both 40. His first marriage of 10 years ended because he was not engaged in the relationship with his wife and only met people online for relationship. He eventually cheated on her by meeting some of those people. I met him and he said he regretted it and would never do that kind of thing again but the way he completely stopped engaging with me after the 2.5 year mark, I think the same thing would have happened if I had not left him first, overall , I went from being very happy with him to being extremely alone and miserable because the partner I was doing things for was void. I recommend against marrying an aspie. It was very hard for me to leave him but he is living with his parents now and I believe that is what is best for him. We both met at 36 and are 40 now. Save yourself the years of wasted energy and pain


RK
10:11 PM
Mon 7th Sep, 2020

@Mouse...Oh, just another thing to add to my post prior to this one concurring with you about the "superiority" stuff. Hey, I felt the same way toward my father-in-way that you felt toward your boyfriend---I despised him at times for that behavior of his. That is why when I found out my son had Aspergers I fought so hard to work with him and get him the help he needed so he would NOT TURN OUT LIKE MY FATHER-IN-LAW. Yeah, and you know what(?) even my son with Aspergers did not care for his grandpa either later in life. Oh, and as for your English you express yourself very well.


Idem
10:10 PM
Mon 7th Sep, 2020

@curious- I am not sure if there were any studies done about Aspie parents and how they bring up children but I am probably one of these examples. My dad is no doubt autistic ( never diagnosed) my mum was NT. My mum was very warm and emphatic person. My relation with my dad has been non-existent. I don't remember him ever give me snuggle, ask how I am doing.....zero interest. He was also cold towards my mum.He was always mean with money, selfish, obsessed with his hobbies. They were always shouting and arguing. I was the only child and looking back I think my mum gave me all love, tenderness - we were very close. I guess that is how she was coping with all situation. I am probably bit broken by this upbringing. I am just thinking if both parents are Aspies and children too- this is probably ok- All live in this weird, cold , robotic atmosphere. The worst option is where parents are both Autistic but child is NT- this must be awful and dysfunctional upbringing.


RK
9:13 PM
Mon 7th Sep, 2020

@Hi Mouse... Just happened to drop by the site this morning and saw your post.Yeah, as you mentioned about that superiority business, as I told you in my previous post days ago my father-in-law as "very" much that way. Outsiders would notice and comment on it, like my hairdresser calling him, "arrogant". His wife threw up her arms in frustration one time in my presence (he was not around, though) and called him "mighty man". My husband admitted his father did not have social finesse either so he was not "aware" of how he was coming across to those around him. I wonder just how much of that was due to a somewhat narcissistic type personality too. As I mentioned in a previous text too I finally went "no contact" for some time after my father-in-law maligned me behind my back in my child's presence. My husband even went "no contact' with his own father for a year as well after his father "blew-up" at my husband during a phone conversation and "slammed down the phone receiver" cutting off the phone call. My father-in-law's daughter, who had been his caretaker in the years before his death admitted when her father finally did pass away she could get a decent night's sleep finally because she did not have all the stress from dealing with his difficult personality. Yes, sometimes the best remedy with a very toxic personality type is just cutting yourself off from them and going no contact, if possible. Correct me if I am wrong I thought you mentioned something about being from a different country in your last test. If so, do you mind my asking where you are from? I happen to be in the U.S. and live in the state of Michigan.


Aussie
8:34 PM
Mon 7th Sep, 2020

Daphne....I strongly urge you to go on the website and blog of Carol Grigg Counselling.She is an Australian lady...a Christian...who was married for 20 years to a man who was only diagnosed as having Aspergers a few years before their marriage ended. She was awarded an Order of Australia for her work in supporting partners of Aspies. Read all her blog comments. Perhaps consider consulting her by phone.


Bianca
9:46 AM
Mon 7th Sep, 2020

I have been broken up with my aspie fiancé for 5 months (he ended it because he realised he didn’t actually want to get married/have kids) and it was all very much out of the blur and I had NO warning and he “couldn’t be himself” eg his true aspie self couldn’t come out even though I wasn’t telling him how to be!! We have continued speaking and seeing each other for the last 5 months as he says you never know what could happen in the future but I’ve come to the point in my life where I either need to continue trying with him or just walk away. I see everyone’s posts with how their life has turned out and I can see his traits REALLY coming out since we broke up. Before we broke up you couldn’t tell he was an aspie but now that he “doesn’t have to try” the communication is non existent, no emotional factors even though he says he loves me etc ... it’s like I know that it’s not a smart idea to keep trying Because if we did get back together in 5 years time Etc I could be depressed, lonely, wanting out of the relationship but how I’m feeling now it’s like ahhh why can’t I let go of someone who cannot give me even 5% effort to lead us on the right path again? It is so frustrating!!!


Susan
2:10 AM
Mon 7th Sep, 2020

After finishing treatments for aggressive breast cancer in 2015, I sat down with my Dad (who I'm sure had aspbergers) and wanted to share some of my concerns. I told him, "My doctor said my tumor was aggressive." He immediately said, "You think yours was aggressive? My doctor told me to get to the hospital that very day when he looked at my finger." He was referring to a bacterial infection which was serious and resulted in an amputated finger. He said nothing of my condition, and I just breathed a deep sigh, and realized I am a survivor, not just of cancer, but of a Dad who could never offer any empathy. I loved him, and helped care for him before he passed away. He would thank me by handing me money, which I did not want. I tried to explain I was caring for him out of love, but he just did not seem to understand the concept. Aspbergers is such a sad thing, and I know they can't help it, but the damage is real. I have scars on my heart to prove it.


Daphne
10:27 PM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

I have been in a 2 relationship with a guy that seems to exhibit Aspergers traits. He is though a polite, thoughtful, sweet and gentle guy. All his friends love him. He is a passive person who struggles with communication (but has improved), understanding warmth, affection and showing emotion. He does have some really odd behaviours and obsessions and can sometimes seem impersonal or distant at times. His kindness and gentleness is what draws me to him.... I am about to make a decision on whether to get married. Just a part of me is not really knowledgeable with Aspergers so not sure if it is a wise decision and will there be surprises or what to expect after marriage (Because of Religous beliefs I cannot live with him before marriage)..... Does anyone have experience with marriage to a quiet passive Aspergers persons? Are they capable of being truly in love? After marriage are they a different person? Do all Apspergers people have mental breakdowns? Do their obsessions get worse? Does emotional distance get worse? What other things are there to expect living with them or with family life?...Thank you for any insights and thoughts


Elodie
6:32 PM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

This is for Amanda. Please read the other testimonials to see what the future will hold. Things really are very unlikely to improve from the point you are at now so the only question to ask yourself is whether you're happy with that level of contact for the rest of your life? It is soul destroying to have to continue reminding your partner of your need for affection and hugs and is really no life at all.


Mouse
4:17 PM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

To RK (and everybody else reading). Ur spot on. The guy with ASD I have been close to, and still have to deal with from time to time, is the 'superior feeling' 'I know everything better than you' type. He would beat me in every board game we ever played, though i'm actually not completely stupid either. Have gotten good grades, enjoy math and so on...So therefore, i'm really relieved to learn, not all people with ASD r like that. That some r actually able to take some advice, and do some of the work in the relationship to. I read somewhere on this site, that the very intelligent superior feeling type, can send u straight to the looney bin. I'n my experience, there's a real chance of that happening. I was stubborn and lucky enough though, to be able to slowly climb my way out of it again, and though my life is far from perfect, i feel very content and happy, that i regained my sanity. Anyhow, i have given up any real and honest communication with the aspie i know, but feel more hopefull knowing that, at least in some cases, its possible. Probably not easy, but at least possible. People with ASD r probably truly different, and we cant expect them to be something else. If we r lucky, we can avoid dealing with them, if we can't handle it. And if thats not possible, we have to accept what we can, an cannot expect from them. For whatever reason that is, neurological reasons, or personality. Saying this is probably easier for me now though, as i'm not dealing with him on a daily basis. For years i just hated him. For David: Word! For Curious: I think Sweden might have some knowledge about the problem in their social system, will post it if i manage to find it. And 500; yes, people with ASD, who wen't to therapy r in my experience really good at 'selfcare', but they sometimes 'forget' to leave space for their partners to do self care to. U might argue that getting time and space to do selfcare, is an individuals own responsibility, but when in a relationsship, with shared reasponsibilities, like childcare, that's not always the case. U might have trouble handling more than one rule in ur mind at the same time, and as long as u don't recognize that issue, as a real problem, u probably won't see it. In a reciprocal relationsship, spending time together could be a form of 'selfcare'...If u r not capable of that, then taking care of ur partner, is paying some attention to ur partners time and opportunity to do 'selfcare'. And yes, my emotional needs matter to me...not doubt in my mind about that. Try to google Tony Attwood on 'Aspie arrogance'.. he has some constructive statements about that. But, as this is an important site for 'us' to vent, and get validated(!), we need to be able to just do that. U don't have to read it. There r lots of other sites u can go to. U can even get, at least some, help in the healthcare system. U might be a 'minority', but ur 'condition' is officially recognized. Apologies for language mistakes, english is not my native language! Good luck to everyone!


Sarah
1:47 PM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

Hello, I am an female adult with Asperger's and read some of the comments. Some of the descriptions about the spectrum partners are NOT NOT NOT spectrum traits, they are NOT disability itself. They are abuse traits. If you are spectrum and can't be in a healthy relationship because it makes you tired, because it makes you work on yourself as a person too much, than you have the responsibility to own it and end it with the other person. Some spectrum people can be in a healthy relationship but others can't, either way own it. The reason not all spectrum people are the same, is you only need to meet 50% of criteria to be diagnosed. Some people are left brain dominant (spectrum stereotype) but some are right brain dominant (right brain dominant are less likely to be diagnosed correctly but do exist). Some of the differences that have been mentioned are disability + comorbid medical condition = a different result to just disability itself. Being spectrum means you are more likely to have additional medical conditions and more likely to have psyche issues. No not all spectrum people could have a relationship with another spectrum person, just like if you help people will one disability type you directly harm people of a different disability type, disability types can clash under certain circumstances. Understanding and diagnosis of spectrum is less now that DSM 5 is active. Those that meet criteria for disability for PDD-NOS and Asperger's Syndrome, won't meet criteria for disability under DSM 5 especially women. Spectrum people are cut off from diagnosis and therefore funding for supports. This cuts the NT off from support and acknowledgement that they support a disabled person. There are two common problems in literature that I found consistently way before DSM 5. Problem One psychiatrist writing about the spectrum. Often they write about the spectrum looking from the outside in. Imagining what is happening with the spectrum because they are an NT observing the spectrum but misunderstanding certain things. Like a child observing the bugs they caught in a jar and getting some guesses right while getting other things wrong. Part of the problem is they get so caught up in the mental illness thinking they forget foundationally a spectrum person is neurodivergant and give mental illness advice when they should be maximize the spectrum person brain potential. Problem Two, a spectrum person wrote a book and people then think what they say is the spectrum. The problem with this is they are usually moderate functioning and have limited understanding. So what they say doesn't apply to other functioning levels. What they say applies to their life. Applies to their limited understanding. Some of it is misinformation because they lacked the cognitive abilities to understand any difference and the life experiences to understand different. Comorbids may apply to this person distorting what is and what isn't spectrum further. Sometimes an NT parent of a spectrum person writes a book about curing their child of the spectrum by changing their diet. This is another form of bulls*#@. Basically, changing the diet of the child showed some behavioral difference and now they are claiming a fairy godmother cured their child of disability. When parts of the brain in a spectrum person remains child like (because the spectrum is a developmental disability that must show itself from childhood) and other parts are missing wiring, changing the diet is not going to regrow the brain, it just treats a symptom of a comorbid diet issue. People at the high end tend to be more self aware and the lower functioning tend to not understand their own head, let alone anyone else. People with autism are more likely to have cognitive issues and intellectual disability. I complained from 4 years old that I was different and something was wrong. The psyche system can't see the difference between disability and psyche if it smacked them on the head, even when an expert tells them, it's still too hard. I didn't get a correct diagnosis until my 20's. Some of us do try to find out what is wrong, so we can work on our flaws and be a better person. Some of you are suffering from The Cassandra Effect, which is unfair on the NT and doesn't allow the spectrum adult to grow the f#*K up. Do not enable a spectrum person, if they can deal, it just turns them into a dependent. Everyone has limits on their capabilities, if a person is really on the spectrum you could see this on a MRI because the brain is different. Their real day to day limits is what their brain can grow to. Behaviour limit is a choice you can choose to change your behaviour. If a person says they have some traits but they are not on the spectrum, this means they are not a disabled person but a person who spends too much time on Dr. Google. The people who have suffered have a right to complain about their suffering and the neurodivergant need to accept that. I hope this post helps those of you that needed to know the why, behind what you experienced. Not all spectrum people are selfish, not all spectrum people are abusive, not all spectrum are struggling with Theory of mind that they are still not self aware, not all spectrum people are unemployed (but the majority are at any given time). Disability is never a good enough excuse for abuse (statistically spectrum people are more likely to experience a crime as a victim than to commit a crime. when those on the spectrum do commit a crime it is more often a behavioral problem or co morbid like intellectual disability or psyche issue that causes it not the spectrum itself. There are a few cases where it is pure the spectrum in an undiagnosed person.) I am sorry that some of you have meet people, who are trying to buff you and others that abusive behaviour is acceptable because they are spectrum.


Winnie
10:29 AM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

I turned on my dating profile again on the site where I met the ASPIE doctor. I was looking at all the questions they ask and then I realized that the he lied about a lot of the questions. He answered the way he thought he should answer, not the truth. It was part of "the mask." He claimed he was very concerned about his partner being satisfied sexually (a complete lie, for one, I don't even think he knew about the concept of foreplay and two, he never asked if I had an orgasm or anything, because he did, I guess so that was all that mattered.) He said people should check in by text once per day. Lie. It took four days to get an answer to a basic question. He said he always cleaned up after himself (in reality he was like a tornado). There were questions about grooming and honestly, he didn't even remember to cut his toenails and I called him out on it. He jumped up, mortified and ran in the bathroom and cut them. Pretty weird that he had 3 inch toenails for a podiatrist. Couldn't also remember to floss his teeth. Said he couldn't remember to buy floss so I bought him some, lol, because i was grossed out. He would go to bed without brushing his teeth even, which really wigged me out. On the website, said he brushed twice a day. Lie. He posted pictures on the website that were 10 years old, I know because I found his old profile on Facebook and they were the same photos and dated on there. Also lied about whether or not he had been teased as a kid (this was a question on the site.) He admitted it to me later but forgot how he answered on the site. There was this time he claimed he was at work but really he had driven past my place and gone hiking alone. Then he forgot and was later bragging about having hiked the peak in so little time and I was like, "when did you climb that pass?" (Because he's only been in town for two months and I knew him for most of that time). He owned up that he had lied and the trip was spur of the moment. I would have liked to have gone. I didn't go anywhere this summer due to coronavirus and I'm a teacher and that was my very last weekend before I went back to school. I don't go hiking the mountains alone because I'm afraid of being jumped. I was really hurt by that, not being invited. All these lies point to manipulation. He wanted what he wanted out of me and nothing more. I was just a pawn. On some level I'm lucky he told me he had Asperger's three weeks in, but on another level I would have just started thinking he was rude/weird/narcissistic so it's not like he could have gotten away with it. Not returning a text about the weekend plans until two days after the weekend ended was truly the last straw. The hell with that. Not at all what he wrote in his profile...


PhD
9:07 AM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

@Amanda - I'm genuinely wondering if you ever read what other people post here... because you either don't read or you are not registering.. wake tf up Amanda! There are people here that find strength to leave after 30 years of being married to these aspie robots, and you like " what is my life gonna be like?" READ other people testimonials and get a clue. Or not. Your life.


Curious
7:41 AM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

Are there any studies done on parents with AS and how the disorder effects how their offspring turns out? People with AS hate touch, are not nurturing, have mood swings, not social and have no regard for anyone else's feelings or problems, have no emotional connection to other people, lack patience for even minor problems (so something as minor as spilling milk can result in a full meltdown I'm sure), lack empathy, etc. How can someone turn out normal and mentally healthy when raised by people with these types of characteristics? When you are developing and growing up you require all of the characteristics that AS completely lack. I am curious how an adult who spent their entire formative years being raised by parents with AS would turn out and how it affects their brain. I can just imagine a poor kid having parents that don't care about their problems, refuse to give them hugs or display any warmth, won't do anything fun with them because of sensory problems, don't talk to them or empathize with them, flip out on them over minor problems like spilling milk, etc. I wonder how many "helicopter parents" who even treat their college aged offspring like little kids have AS or some other mental disorder.


Susan
2:35 AM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

I would like to thank every fellow NT on this website for sharing their relationship experiences. This is the only support group that really knows what I am going through. I have been emotionally abused just like the rest of you, and for almost 29 years now. The only reason I stay in our marriage is because I never wanted by husband to have partial custody of our children. Knowing him, he'd forget to keep track of them or yell at them out of frustration. I refused to have them think that there was something wrong with them. I made it clear that their daddy was the one with the problem. Now that they are grown and ready to move out of the house, I have no reason to stay with this man. I have a neurological degenerative disease and under no circumstances will I allow this man to live alone with me when someday I will end up in a wheelchair. I can't think of a worse person to be in charge of my daily care. I have been on antidepressants and antianxiety medication for over 20 years just to be able to survive each day with this man. I know that in ending the marriage I will have to somehow find health care without the ability to work, but that is really my only concern at this point. Even my kids know I gotta let go of this guy. I pray that God understands my decision and I'll pray for all of you in this same situation.


Gracefulsilver
12:15 AM
Sun 6th Sep, 2020

I am in the process of ending an over 2 year relationship with a 46 year old man I believe has Aspergers. I am 44 years old and exhausted mentally and physically. My children are unable to deal with his abnormal behavior. He has absolutely no friends that are not mentally disabled in some form. Unfortunately I now suspect that his mother(in her 60's) is an Aspie too! She acts the same way and tells him that he is normal and needs to be taken care of and that his behavior is normal. He was raised by his mother and an alcoholic step-father that did not work. I now know he was placed in special education for being "slow" while in school. He has 2 children from 2 different women (he never married either) that refuse to acknowledge or respect him. The first child was with a woman that was looking to be taken care of and do nothing. The second child was with a mildly mentally disabled woman. The older child is now a drug addict and refuses all contact with him. His 2nd child has just turned 16 and ran away when she was 15. She only ever talks to him if she wants money and he gives her hundreds of dollars each time. I have always suspected her of being mentally disabled in some form. You can imagine my surprise when all this information came out slowly over the course of 2 years. I have been trying to end it with him for awhile now but keep getting sucked back in by how helpless he is without me. He is completely pathetic and unable to even handle a phone call for a doctors appointment by himself. He does live alone and hold down a full time job for over 7 years (menial labor that he struggles with). Over the course of these 2 years I have developed numerous health issues that I need major support with. I was in the hospital twice for life threatening illnesses that almost killed me. After the 2nd time I developed uncontrollable diabetes, asthma, and a tumor in my stomach. I remained on a walker for 6 months after my release from the hospital the last time and still use a cane on occasion. My daughter developed a gallbladder condition that almost killed her and is currently undergoing treatment to resolve it. I have had numerous surgeries on my back and now suffer from neuropathy. I am also entering menopause at this time. He has been either MIA or demanding my attention to his problems with his meddling baby momma during this whole time. We entered couples counseling and he has been medicated during these 2 years. I also got a service dog that helps me emotionally and physically. We do not live in the same home and he is unwilling to make a commitment to marriage. I now feel that I would be better without him but feel totally incapable of getting rid of him. I had to get a video doorbell to prevent his daughter from stalking me. She has major "mini wife syndrome" and tried to have me arrested on false charges. He is incapable of having a conversation to resolve this and is now refusing ANY treatment. He walked out on me when i asked him to work on this together to fix it and now insists it was me that chose this. I'm tired and just want peace but now know that even though I love him I cannot be with him due to being anable to get what I need emotionally from him.


Winnie
8:08 PM
Sat 5th Sep, 2020

To Alexis, Why would you want a boyfriend who isn't capable of taking you in his arms and kissing you passionately? You don't want to date a fourth-grader who needs his teacher's aide to hold his hand. That's bullshit. Find a better boyfriend, this guy is incapable. So I broke up with the 5 week relationship Aspi (by text, because he won't answer the phone and he is currently working at a hospital hours away...at least I think he is because he doesn't answer texts and leaves me in the dark. So fuck him). Anyhow, I tried to be nice but this is what I wrote, " So i really enjoyed being with you but I decided I can't have a relationship with a guy who takes four days to return a simple text and never follows up to see how I fared with the UTI last week (side note: that he probably gave me and was the most painful one I ever had in my life). I know you would say you're just so busy but because I know you work out for hours a day and have to get in so many steps, I know you had five minutes to let me know what was going on last weekend but you didn't bother. A lack of consideration is how it feels to me. I suppose you'll never be able to understand because it's part of your Asperger's but I'm just not willing to deal with what comes across as a very extreme form of narcissism. I know I could never have the emotional closeness I want with you, you're just not capable of it...you're off climbing Loveland pass without even informing me of "when you get off work" (side note: he lied, he didn't work that day)so I'm sitting there waiting for nothing. I'm done with waiting, sorry. Id' rather be single than have an SO treat me like that." So it feels REALLY good to be done with this bullshit. He was a nice guy but that only goes so far. If returning a text is that hard, then how is a person able to be a doctor? There is definitely some level of choice involved here, and he chose not to return my texts. I know he'd return a text from the hospital, after all. So I'm done. Also, if ASPIs are so great and people flip out about how NTs are just bashing them on this site, well how about the ASPIs just date each other and not traumatize us? They should have their own dating site. Oh, a NT would have to set it up I guess but they could do the coding and stuff once it was up and going. LOL.


Amanda
2:38 PM
Sat 5th Sep, 2020

My best friend doesn’t understand why I’ve not left my aspie husband. He’s suddenly gone off any physical intimacy ... I’m so struggling we hold hands we have a hug morning and night, I’ve just got nothing else to give feeling like I’m giving up He says I shouldn’t think about our future But we have only being married a year What’s the rest of my life going to be like ?


Darcey
12:45 PM
Sat 5th Sep, 2020

To David on July 28th (I think thats the date of your post). I sometimes scroll down rapidly and then suddenly stop and that’s where I start to read. I miss several months in between sometimes. I landed on your post for this day and it was exactly what I needed to hear today. I think it’s no accident that it was there that I stopped. I just want to thank you for your ability to write, convey and communicate the things many of us are feeling or need to hear in such an eloquent and readable way. I usually stop and read your post because they are full of insight and advice that is well, almost like having our own psychiatrist :-). Thank you for your insight and ability to help us by sharing and knowing we actually all do share some common themes and why we ended up with ASPI type people in the first place. Thanks.


Exhausted
6:25 AM
Sat 5th Sep, 2020

I was just reading these testimonials again, as I so desperately need the reminders: I am not crazy. I am not unreasonable or a jerk for wanting to talk over an issue and understand one another's points of view. I have a right to feel exhausted, since all of the labor of this relationship, including household management, our social life, dealing with people, all of it, falls on me. Thank you all for sharing here. I don't have a support system, and reading all of your thoughts has become a way to support myself. I come back to reality reading your testimonials. They make it painstakingly clear that we are not the problem in our relationships. I have done absolutely everything I can, yet it is never, and will never, be enough.


Alexis
11:20 PM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

I have been in a 3 year relationship with a quiet guy. As a person he is very kind and gentle. In a relationship it has been very different and unusual. At the start it was a struggle to get alone time with him. He would only invite me to join group events even after 1 year we had only had 3 alone dates that i repeatedly asked for. I asked him why and he said he didnt know he had to spend alone time in the relationship which I found unusual. Initiation of hand holding and affection such as cuddling didn't happen. He didnt understand why it was needed in a relationship. I had to explain why it was important and ask him to do it. I tried to cuddle him but he didnt reciprocate but sat there stiff and unemotional. It made me feel he wasnt interested. I asked him why and he said he didnt know he said his mind was .Sometimes when i touch him he flinches as a reaction as if he is scared. Sometimes when we are together he can walk around as if I am not there and appears to be in his own world which was very cold and impersonal. He has obsessions with certain people and keeps taking their photos until I tell him to stop. The relationship has improved in that dates are regular now and he has warmed up but i never feel close to him, there seems to be a quietness, coldness and unemotional feel like an invisible barrier to this relationship at times. He has good attributes such as loyalty, generosity and gentleness. I am not sure if this is because he doesnt have much experience with girls or has undiagnosed Aspergers. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks


relative_abalone
7:48 PM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

Exhausted NT spouse here. I fully realize the majority of my emotional support needs to come from elsewhere. Thankfully, about to have a visit with my NT family. They are all on the opposite coast, so...it's not easy to see them all the time for support, but I am grateful. Planning to live in a separate state from my husband. I'm committed to the marriage, but I'd rather be around my family full time & go to visit him, than vice verse. He will fully enjoy all his alone time.


Darcey
6:13 PM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

To SOS, you cannot try and make a deal with yourself and rationalize the way this guy speaks to you. He’s using you for sex. He only sees you every couple of weeks and he talks to you in that degrading way that denotes you hold no value for him , even threatening violence because you deserve it? Do not justify, rationalize or use your heart as an excuse to stay in this relationship. I highly doubt, even though you don’t wanna hear it, that it’s love. For either of you. It’s something else and you have to look deep within yourself and understand what it is you’re hanging onto. Perhaps wanting to be saved or rescued, fantasizing about how you think it could be with such a man. He has a personality and it will not change nor will it go away. If he’s speaking to you like this when you hardly see each other it’s a barometer for him to know that if you were actually together he could all out anuse you you and you would take it.


Bev
6:09 PM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

@500 "If your emotions and needs matter so much to you" uhh duh? Do they not matter to you?


Darcey
5:52 PM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

@ 500. I don’t usually reply on here because I come here to read testimonials to save myself on the days that are so extremely difficult. This website is very important to many people. Let me dissect your paragraph however. 500 says “ if your emotions and needs matter so much then why don’t you....” this is 100% an ASPI statement you see, I can tell by that statement, it’s ridiculous to you that a partner has emotions and needs that matter at all. An ASPI does not have any comprehension that the other person has any emotional need. And, is actually inconvenienced and irritated by the notion. Also 500 writes, “if you’re partner abuses you for speaking up then you know they’re not ready“. Excuse me 500.....since when does the ASPI partner need to be ready to meet the needs of the NT partner? As if these things are planned. And...if not ready the Aspi has the right to abuse the NT partner? This is also a 100% ASPI view. Which tells me you know that youre abusive. And you dont care. You also say “I get the impression you’re all expecting to be taken care of”. You may not need another person except for caretaking of logistica things that you cant be bothered with bc you don’t have any or few emotional needs. Aspi are mostly self-contained and time is spent, head down, on meeting their own their needs. I believe this is why the needs of an NT are so extremely stressful for them. You don’t have any understanding of the give-and-take or the reciprocity that brings joy, trust, love and well being to a relationship where people understand they can count on one another. Aspi simply don’t grasp this so I suggest you find another website to defend yourself on. Because you will not convince anyone that has been through the hell of living with an Aspi on this website, that there’s anything about your point of view that is correct.... unless you’re willing to accept responsibility and say you appreciate the insight of the NT experience at the hands of ASPI. What youre reading here is what life is like with an Aspi. Dont like it? Go away or start realizing what youre dishing out to other humans.


Winnie
7:57 AM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

Also to 500...obviously you're an ASPIE yourself...because you can't even empathize with how other people's emotions and needs matter to them, you're obviously not believing they do. LOL! And as far as talking to them, they're only ready if they are interested. Since it's not about them, they're not (ahem, you) are not interested. This isn't about Daddy, this is about them being babies. They need mommy and they seek us out...they set us up. I feel set up for sure but I'm hip to all this so no way in HELL would I put up with bullshit for longer than I did (5 weeks). Would have been sooner if he had told me sooner. And yeah you lot are good at self-care because you only care about yourself LOL! Why don't you guys figure out how to not be leeches? What we need to learn is to blow ASpies off.


Winnie
7:28 AM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

To SOS: Any man that would say that anything I had to say was as a result of my period would be GONE! How on earth could you allow that, no matter what the diagnosis. What an ASS. My 5 week relationship would have been over a lot sooner if he had something like that to me. And to 500: are you kidding? Aspies can't communicate like normal human beings. They will talk to you for as long as the conversation holds their interest. If you tell them something about your life, something that was profound, they will get on their phone while you're talking and respond with something like, "my credit score went up." This happened to me. I was cooking so I didn't realize he was even on his phone while I was talking but to respond to what I was telling him with that was shocking. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. This was before he told me he had Asperger's and I was making excuses him because he is a first year resident surgeon. The thing is, once he told me, I totally understood what the deal was. And the thing is, I used to work in a mental facility and there was a woman there with Asperger's and all of a sudden I realized, he was exactly like her. So I have no intention of staying with him. I'm just not going to respond to him for four days lol. I'm getting him back for not responding to me for that long. Then I'm going to lay it out that I have no intention of having a relationship where I am "unknown." Life's too short to be a drudge, because that's all I'd be. I'm not special. I have this idea that he took one look at me and said, "you'll do." To Aspies suck: You hit the nail on the head. They are a type of alien that will suck the life out of you.


Heinrich
6:32 AM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

@500 Because the Aspie I dated wasn’t able to talk. This way the tiniest things, that normally wouldn’t be seen as a problem at all, would become non solvable obstacles. I even said to him once, let us just talk things through. His response: „I am not able to discuss things.“ Differing opinions was nothing he liked ... for instance, he wouldn’t talk to anyone who didn’t share his political opinion. And I am not the only one having these struggles. A lot of NT‘s who dated Aspies say the same. Nothing will ever be discussed at all. No compromise. All will be viewed as a personal attack.


Laurie
4:37 AM
Fri 4th Sep, 2020

My husband bitches so much that I can't get in any complaining. He covers all of the bases. Never get a chance to be the proverbial nagging wife. Or display any frustration.